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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is offensive isn't it?

86 replies

theodorgeisel · 06/01/2018 03:33

Hello all. This my first ever post. Didn't know whether to start a new thread or add to another.

I am furious with the message I got from my 'lover/boyfriend/friendwithbenefits'. We had discussed a week ago about going out for dinner this evening. We're both busy, so texting is always sporadic and un-gushy. He's also my ex-boss and I've known him for 15 years but the relationship is new. He can be a bit of a grump. Here goes:

We messaged yesterday, he asked if we were still on for our date, I said yes, are we still thinking of going out or are you wanting to to stay in? He said 'in then out, out then in whatever'. I thought 'okaaaay, romantic or what' but replied 'great'. Fast forward to today, I get a message at lunch saying (not asking): "See you at 7 at yours. Would it be possible to have clean sheets? Channelling my inner German so hope that is not too blunt a persona."

I was taken aback and felt it was a bit rude, perfunctory and lacking in any attempt to woo me. My reply was 'Yes, too blunt to be honest. Sheets clean yesterday but as you know I share my bed with my 6 years old and 3 year old so I do my best. No mention of dinner. Sounds like you're coming round for a shag. Let's take a raincheck'.

Am I being a dick or is he?

Thanks laydees!

OP posts:
Bluedoglead · 06/01/2018 08:45

I had a FWB/fuckbuddy.

The deal was one of us would text the other. We would get a date that suited. Go to whosever house, Chinese or pizza or whatever then shag then the person whose house it wasn’t went home.

It never strayed into going out because it wasn’t dating. He wasn’t a boyfriend.

Linguini · 06/01/2018 08:45

Those of you all saying "but of course he was only coming round for a shag because, fwb" you are forgetting all previous texts were about where to go for dinner. They talked about a dinner date, then he totally ignored all that.

Anyway he sounds seriously gross OP. Even the "in out, out in" text. Yuck!

Bluedoglead · 06/01/2018 08:45

Oh and I had young kids and they were with their dad when I was doing the shagging With the FWB, regardless of whose house it was.

merville · 06/01/2018 08:46

Boyfriend - lover - fwb are very different things, esp boyfriend. You'd need to be crystal clear in your head what it is.

Most women don't seem to be able to do fwb on my experience.

BackInTheRoom · 06/01/2018 08:46

He was rude. He was also showing a certain sense of familiarity that he has with you after so many years. I think the problem is, who exactly is he to you? If you're FWB, you could have replied 'yeah they're clean now but they won't be later!' But you got offended? Sounds like you're falling for him.

Bluedoglead · 06/01/2018 08:47

I think the op is thinking dates plus which isn’t fwb it’s straying into boyfriend and he's thinking fuck buddy / FWB which is take away and a shag territory.

Angelf1sh · 06/01/2018 08:50

Linguini, the op asked if he still wanted to go out or if he wanted to stay in - she took the option of dinner off the table as she told him it was fine to just stay in. If he is just a fwb then staying in can only mean just come over for sex.

Bluedoglead · 06/01/2018 08:51

Going out means going out - it could mean out to the pub for a drink, it doesn’t have to mean dinner. And his whatever text to me demonstrates and shows he isn’t wanting a relationship. He’s wanting the sex and doesn’t care what happens before it.

Ellisandra · 06/01/2018 08:55

If my sheets were clean last time I'd tell him he was offensive and not bother with him again.

If my sheets were grim last time, I'd acknowledge it but also point out lightly that it didn't need him bringing up.

If my sheets were always grim, I'd learn a lesson.

Sheets aside, you really need to sort out what you want.

You didn't like his reply about - but you'd pushed the question to him. He was just saying he didn't mind. Then when he does take the lead you're complaining that he didn't ask. Boyfriend or FWB, you'd piss me off - how can you complain the same paragraph that he isn't sorting out the date, and then complain again when he does?

He wants sex, you want a relationship that includes wooing.

Just end it.

merville · 06/01/2018 08:55

Also if you're truly capable of fwb , there's an over supply of men who'd be v happy to have that arrangement; you could get one who has a bit more tact/diplomacy/charm. Also one who'd pony up for a hotel (or go halves) so people's homes could be as untidy as they liked and there's no pressure to clean . Also puts it in the not normal, not homely context where confusion about relationship status is less likely to occur.

PoshPenny · 06/01/2018 08:57

I think that's a great reply OP, time to move on and find someone else I think.

SheKnows · 06/01/2018 09:07

Firstly, what Ellisandra said.

Secondly, a boyfriend and an FWB are completely different things. And this doesn't sound like either.

A FWB is someone you are friends with. Hang out with as friends. Care about each other as friends. A proper friend. But that sometimes, when the mood takes, you have sex. I've had a few of these and they are genuine friendships that existed before the sex and once the sex had ended. I wouldn't have wanted any of them to be a boyfriend.

A boyfriend is, well a boyfriend.

What you are describing is a fuck buddy - someone you hook up with purely for sex. No more and no less.

WizardOfToss · 06/01/2018 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkdelight · 06/01/2018 09:11

Does he have kids? If not, it's more understandable that he could feel weird shagging in the sheets where you've co-slept. Even if they're not grim, the bed probably smells of the dc and even if a parent wouldn't notice or care, he might find it unpleasant. Clean sheets would psychologically make it a lovers bed not a kiddie bed. That's all I'd assume he meant and wouldn't be offended.

That said, your reply put your feelings across jolly well and I don't sense any issues with self esteem!

Bluedoglead · 06/01/2018 09:12

If it’s a fuck buddy, which it sounds like to me, then it’s all about the shag and I’d expect clean sheets.

He didn’t phrase it too well but this isn’t a relationship or even a friendship (thanks to sheknows who has articulated what I wanted to say). It’s not an fwb it’s a fuck buddy. And he wants just the sex in a clean bed.

Op. You want different things and it’s as well its ended

ChiaraRimini · 06/01/2018 09:17

I'm Shock at a man who would give a toss about clean sheets when there's a shag on the cards! Never met one of those and I've shagged a fair few!!
Dump and run OP. If this is a new relationship this is as good as it's going to get.

Namethecat · 06/01/2018 09:23

More telling will be his reply / actions to your text ?

Original poster
theodorgeisel · 07/01/2018 00:27

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond to my first ever post! All food for thought.. You guys are fab. (Ooh, must just say to @AstridWhite - thanks for taking the time to respond, but my kids were with their dad, not in the house. That would be neglect I'm sure. Yuck!)

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
theodorgeisel · 07/01/2018 00:28

@pinkdellight - he has SIX kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
theodorgeisel · 07/01/2018 00:37

Update: His response was 'ouch. sounds like you need a drink. hope we're still on'. My response 'sorry, I've made other plans'. His response 'that's a shame'.

The end.

You guys are hilarious. Over n out

OP posts:
Itsalottery · 07/01/2018 00:48

Actually you are hilarious! What a wally (him)!! Well curved ball I say.

MISSINDE · 07/01/2018 00:50

Gosh he sounds revolting. Glad you kicked him into touch!

thebewilderness · 07/01/2018 00:54

I cannot effing believe he effing doubled down telling you you sound like you need a drink. Asshat.

CountdowntoSanta · 07/01/2018 01:31

Mumsnet in action. Love it!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 07/01/2018 01:48

Does he have kids? If not, it's more understandable that he could feel weird shagging in the sheets where you've co-slept. Even if they're not grim, the bed probably smells of the dc and even if a parent wouldn't notice or care, he might find it unpleasant.

Whether he has his own kids or not, the scent of someone else’s kids would be off putting for anyone. My DP’s DD shared his bed until very recently and if ever I slept over I felt really uncomfortable sleeping in ‘worn’ sheets that smelled of someone else. If I tried to change them when I got there he would get defensive about it, so I can see where this guy was coming from by heading it off before he arrived. Nothing kills passion more than changing a duvet cover.

As for the rest of it, sounds like an odd set up if you’re not sure what you are or whether you should expect dinner before a shag. Best straighten that out before you get any deeper into it.