I think I'm finally leaving my EA and gaslighter husband?!

[GsbMaxi]

I am not even sure what's happening right now. Sorry if this is ling

Today wasn't even nearly as bad as most days are when he gets going. We had a big falling out a few weeks ago which resulted in him smashing my phone to pieces, threatening to stab me, throwing raw eggs at me one by one, and who knows what else I am trying to clear my mind of it. During this episode he started to yell "I need help, I need help" and immediately called a therapist to make an appointment (first time ever, he has always refused) and spend the next 3 days crying his heart out because I'd told him I can't do this anymore and had left to my parents house with our 3 dc.

He cried so much (in 12 years this is the first time, he usually responds to everything with anger) that I truly thought this was the first real step to change and getting him help. He needs it.

But within a week he kept saying he didn't see th point, the connection was gone (because I hadn't had sex with him or cuddled... obviously I was still feeling traumatized by his recent antics) and why should he be nice to me when we have nothing in common and I have no ambition, among other things. I really thought he was just feeling hurt as my parents had found out my situation and he needed some time to figure out how to make it up to me.

Fast forward 3 weeks and here I still am with his attitude the same. He has called me a stupid bitch, fucking cunt, you name it during these weeks and today when he said he said it's pointless that we are together I said no problem I will leave to my parents. I left quick enough that I didn't give him too much time to overreact, though he spat out some things such as "oooh divorcing me because I'm not nice enough?" Or "running to mommy and daddy so quick?" So here I am, dc with me but I don't even know if he will want them tomorrow, I realize he has a right to them also.

I don't even know what I'm feeling. Sad, relieved, bad that he didn't try harder after how sad he was. He needs help. But I can't keep doing this. I called my lawyer just now and left a voicemail. I've seen her to talk separation once before.

GSB

Re your comment:-

"Have been with OH since I was 19. Before this I was in a 3 year relationship with a guy who was much the same. I am not sure how on earth that happened, but I somehow attract narcissists".

Do yourself a favour in the longer term and get some good quality therapy before you ever go into another relationship because this may well have all stemmed from your own childhood experiences. You basically went from one abusive relationship into another which is not a coincidence. What sort of a relationship example have your parents shown you, what did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Why do you attract such people, what is it about you that attracts them to you?

Read up on codependency and see if you are co-dependent in relationships. Are you also a rescuer or saviour in relationships, do you people please to the nth degree?. All this and more besides needs to be considered.

I would look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme (this can be done online) as it could well help you as well. You also need to find a Canadian equivalent and do this type of programme in person too.

Can your dad just take them on his own? He'll use the kids to see you, if it doesn't work he might not want to see them as much.

Yes, ask your dad to do the pick ups and drop offs for a while

Atilla I can understand where you're coming from but my parents actually have a beautiful marriage filled with love. They are one another's best friend and I have always dreamt of having a marriage as wonderful as theirs. They have supported and been amazing always and I am incredibly lucky to have them. Not everyone has a family as close as mine and I am grateful for them, especially at times like these.

I have always been a "rescuer" of sorts though. I am faithful to the core and bond deeply with the select few in my life. I've always tried to see the best in people but it has become a fault of my own. Once I make a decision though I see it through and that's the point I'm at now. It's just really, really rough when my OH is half nasty half "I love you come home" only because it's exhausting and drawn out and I want things to be over civilly.

In some cases, when you have known only love and respect it can take some time to recognise that not all behaviour is rooted in it

Why are you going to pick up/drop off? Better that your dad is there too than you going alone, but why can't your dad just go on his own?

He's unlikely to try and manipulate you with your dad there?, but why give him any chance whatsoever? Looking at his past behaviour, and the fact you've now left him, this is a dangerous time for you. He's already threatened to stab you. I don't want to be too blunt, but I'm worried about the likelihood of him killing you (Dad or no Dad).

I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, but I just can't see any advantages to you going as well; and I can see danger.

If I'm honest I'd be worried about him seeing the kids , but I've only read a thread on mumsnet, you seem like a clear headed woman who onviously knows the situation. The kids seeing him is one thing anyway; (you haven't mentioned any direct abuse against them?), but you seeing him; I just don't see why you would?

My best advice, the only time you see him face to face is when you have to i.e court; when other people will be present. Keep any communication written so it can be used as evidence if needed, but stay on practicalities (or unemotional 'reminders' of his behaviour to see if he'll slip up and admit to things for evidence).

Your parents sound great, and you are in a safe space there - why risk it? X.

You are no doubt doing the right thing leaving him, and you must carry on for yourself and your kids x. Please just think very carefully before you go with your dad. Why are you going? Could anyone else go with your dad? A burly brother? I bet he wouldn't throw eggs at them... x

Or, don't listen to me at all, or any of the rest of us, but please ring /contact one of the professional agencies that are there to help x.

Just wanted to update you all and at least say I haven't gone back. It's been all very confusing and he doesn't give me a days peace. He started to a therapist just this week. I was hoping she would give him a medication for his depression and anger. Instead she gave him drills and he said he didn't click with her.

So I continue with this separation/divorce. He denies anger is even an issue at this point. I wish I could go no contact at all but just isn't possible while sharing the kids.

Just venting. He's such an ass. I'm so ANGRY at him for what he's done to me and our kids. Yet I find myself missing him terribly in the evening as well. I realize I'll get over that part in time but all of this still hurts.

I absolutely knew before you wrote it, that he would be in the emergency services. There are quite a few hero complex/ victim mentality bullies hiding in those ranks.

Well done for getting out, I know how hard it is. As others say prepare yourself for the backlash now. Even from yourself, misplaced romanticism is so right, it's hard to switch off.

Also I found it useful to look up 'trauma bonding'. This is very helpful to know about when ,for reasons that seem to defy logic, all you want to do is go back to him and 'make it better'.

This is part of co dependent abusive relationships and is a powerful draw.
Educating yourself will allow you to identify the plays he makes , it's empowering in this scenario.

Well done Op, it's a hard road but no harder than the one you walked for years. Now you get to choose yours and your children's happiness every day, good luck

I'm so glad you haven't gone back x.

Just a question here... are you sure he has an anger problem? Does he get angry and throw eggs at other people? Something tells me he doesn't get angry and do awful things to his colleagues at work? (Or he'd be sacked?). Or people on the street..?

So is he really angry, or could it just be his way of scaring and controlling you? Part of his abusive personality? Men like him often have no problem controlling their anger if their facing their boss; or a 6 foot wrestler.? Therapy may help, but maybe it's not anger he needs to work on, but understanding why he has behaved like this to you, and that it's not ok. I don't understand the phrase 'gave him drills'? Do you mean like she told him off?

Could you get some counselling to deal/talk through all you've had to deal with/are dealing with now? Xxx.

Or maybe he does just 'save' his anger for you. And you're the only one who sees it? Either way, be presumably copes with controlling his anger at work etc..? But (because he's a dispicable human being) he 'lets you' see/feel his 'anger'. Either way, he can control if/when he wants too..? X

he said he didn't click with her.

My arse.

What he means is that she didnt say "Oh poor you, being wound up and treated so badly by your wife that you end up losing your temper". He will only click with a therapist when he accepts responsibility for his behaviour, ie never.

There is only one healthy way forward and that is to disengage from him, keep yourself and your children safe by staying at your parents', and start legal proceedings.

All the handwringing about his "rights" etc is a total waste of energy.

I know it goes against every fibre of your being to ignore him but that is what you must do in order to get out of this mess.

Honestly, what are you getting out of the texting? Do you secretly enjoy the drama? Could you be comfortable with a life without constant emotional upheaval? Because it can only continue if you allow it to.