I think I'm finally leaving my EA and gaslighter husband?!

[GsbMaxi]

I am not even sure what's happening right now. Sorry if this is ling

Today wasn't even nearly as bad as most days are when he gets going. We had a big falling out a few weeks ago which resulted in him smashing my phone to pieces, threatening to stab me, throwing raw eggs at me one by one, and who knows what else I am trying to clear my mind of it. During this episode he started to yell "I need help, I need help" and immediately called a therapist to make an appointment (first time ever, he has always refused) and spend the next 3 days crying his heart out because I'd told him I can't do this anymore and had left to my parents house with our 3 dc.

He cried so much (in 12 years this is the first time, he usually responds to everything with anger) that I truly thought this was the first real step to change and getting him help. He needs it.

But within a week he kept saying he didn't see th point, the connection was gone (because I hadn't had sex with him or cuddled... obviously I was still feeling traumatized by his recent antics) and why should he be nice to me when we have nothing in common and I have no ambition, among other things. I really thought he was just feeling hurt as my parents had found out my situation and he needed some time to figure out how to make it up to me.

Fast forward 3 weeks and here I still am with his attitude the same. He has called me a stupid bitch, fucking cunt, you name it during these weeks and today when he said he said it's pointless that we are together I said no problem I will leave to my parents. I left quick enough that I didn't give him too much time to overreact, though he spat out some things such as "oooh divorcing me because I'm not nice enough?" Or "running to mommy and daddy so quick?" So here I am, dc with me but I don't even know if he will want them tomorrow, I realize he has a right to them also.

I don't even know what I'm feeling. Sad, relieved, bad that he didn't try harder after how sad he was. He needs help. But I can't keep doing this. I called my lawyer just now and left a voicemail. I've seen her to talk separation once before.

One step at a time, love. Stop catastrophising.

Ring a solicitor on Monday and have all future communication through them.

Contact with his children can happen in due course.

At the moment he has no rights at all.

Hermoine my OH acts the same way. He has broken so many dishes. Thrown them across the room. I didn't mention in my OP but he also took 4L of milk and poured it on me. While throwing all other food around on the floor. It is gut wrenching to think about.

If you do respond make it very unemotional but reasonable. 'I will contact you during the week. The children are safe with me at my parents. When you 'threw plates/smashed my phone/called me names' it scared us all.'

I don't know about in the uk but in Australia I would talk to the police and have a record of what happened that you are just describing. He is a dangerous man and I wouldn't want my children around him. Did you children see this?

nestle my dc are 5, 3 and 20 months. I am only 30 myself. Have been with OH since I was 19. Before this I was in a 3 year relationship with a guy who was much the same. I am not sure how on earth that happened, but I somehow attract narcissists.

God he’s a delight isn’t he.
I’ve have a lot of the shit you’ve endured but interestingly I’ve done a for bit of throwing, mind you he was telling me he’d got his ex wife pregnant at the time / rubbed a shitty nappy in my son’s face.

I left him and you need to leave the one you’re lumbered with at the moment too. He will never change.

I agree with @AnyFucker with any luck he’ll shuffle off this mortal coil. I wish my ex would. I’d throw a party.

Please call Women's Aid and ask them what to do. They can give you great advice. He's not just emotionally abusive. There is family violence.

Am I allowed to say what he does for a living? I'm fairly new to posting and not sure of all the rules. I live on the other side of the ocean though ( think true north strong and free!) And we don't have Women's Aid. I am sure there is something around for help but I do think that so long as I am at my parents I'll be okay. We do have a dog and cats though so when OH travels back to work I will need to go home to take care of them.

Your husband sounds like he is a narcissist.

Listen to this channel on you tube, they give very detailed tutorials on how to effectively deal with and co parent with narcissists.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFpN5rTQCSbX8znSv9-5u9g

Your husband sounds unhinged. Stay awAy

He will not stop bleeping my phone. I have ignored thus far but he has gone from telling me he's getting a lawyer to take the kids and all the nasty stuff to why can't we work things out and you're worth it I want to try. He is like Jekyll and Hyde

Good about your friends x.

He won't be able to take the kids from you, even if he tried, but I bet he'll try his hardest to make you believe he could, to try and regain some form of control over you.

I'm not sure about the communication thing..., I can that see some things need to be discussed, and actually having evidence of the abuse in 'black and white' wouldn't be a bad thing. But... leaving lines of communion open does give him chance to threaten, potentially manipulate etc.

I would say seek advice x. I've just googled 'victims of domestic abuse support' and got loads of websites x. This one looked good and it's 24 hour so presumably could ring now if you wanted too x.

needtotalk
0808 2000 247

Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge

O took me so long to write the post i missed info! Ok, I've posted women's aid! But the point stands x. Professional advice on these matters xx.

Thank you curtains. Just hearing a few of you say that he can't take them from me helps to calm me a bit. I feel truly panicky about it.

He is still at it trying to get me to come home and "work on our marriage"... it's all "our faults" and "our pride" and "our selfishness"..... OUR nothing, twat. This is on him. His abuse. His controlling behaviours. His manipulation. I'm so exhausted of it

Good, I'm glad you can see that xx. You're right x, this is all 'on him'!

Have you told your parents all that's gone on?

I'm so glad you're staying strong, if you ever need a reminder as to why you're doing this, come back to this thread and re-read 'oh my fucks' post. She is an example (unfortunately x) of how children experience these things, and she also provides an example (again, unfortunately), that men like this don't change.

What does he do for a living ? Don't tell me something in a caring profession ?

He’s using whatever he thinks will work on you, Gsb. Whatever will get you to do what he wants. So he has threatened to take your children: but they all do that, every one of them, because they know it will freak out the other person (understandably), and may frighten them back into place.

‘You’re worth it, let’s try’ (or ‘I know I need to change’) is another tactic, this time pressing the ‘I’m a nice guy really, please feel sorry for me’ button.

Don’t try too hard to be nice and reasonable. He’s counting on that. Stick to your plan to put your kids and yourself first.

If I’ve understood you correctly, this dv advice website might be closer to home for you
www.thehotline.org

AF he is a police officer. And tried very hard to make me believe he knows family law far better than I and that he is well within his rights to take the kids and whatnot.

bird thank you for the great information. I don't mind saying where I live so long as it is allowed - I am actually Canadian so unfortunately from what I can see the link you sent won't pertain to me either, although I am sure there is likely something similar for our country. I do hope he backs down and just gets on with it though. I will try to remember not to be too nice. I have this fear of pushing his buttons or saying the wrong thing in case he reacts badly.

Men using suicide threats as emotional manipulation? Hand them a pile of pills and a bottle of vodka. Tell him to get on with it.

I'm glad you're away from him, but I'd keep the kids away from him too with that explosive anger. I wouldn't feel safe leaving them with him.

He's a cop huh?

Well see here's the thing. Keep allllll the nasty texts and stuff he sends you, make a diary of the things he's called you on phone calls etc. Then if he won't get himself in line, tell him you'll go to his boss and out him as an abusive piece of shit. Speak to a solicitor, and if he keeps threatening you with stuff RE the kids, there are plenty of other career/reputation smashing things that can be done to kick a nasty cop in the nuts.

Found this site OP. Hope it's useful.

winhouse.org/about/history/

Police officers are not above the law. His arrogance may be off the scale but it doesn't make what he says true.

Ignore any thteats to take the dc. He doesn't want them, and with shift working could never manage. He just knows which buttons to press.

age thank you! That information could be very helpful to me. I appreciate it.

He is still digging at me today. Though the comments are dying down. We are having a blizzard today so even if he wanted the kids I wouldn't be able to get to him. He is going to take them for the afternoon tomorrow though and I will pick them up at dinner. The kids really want to see him so I think it should be ok. My dad will be with me and it will simply be drop off and pick up

GSB

He may well be a police officer but no man is above the law. Also many many abusive controlling people like this are plausible to those in the outside world.

As you are Canadian I would contact these people:-
endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help/
They cover all the Canadian provinces.

You also need a decent lawyer and one who is well versed in the manipulative ways of controlling men. This individual is going to make it very hard for you to leave him as a further way of punishing you for having the gall in his eyes to do that. But escape him you must. It will do your children no favours at all for them to be further subjected to his manipulations on any level so I would cancel any future meetings. He won't probably be interested in seeing his children in the long term in any case; such abusive men only think of their own selves and self interest.