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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I'm finally leaving my EA and gaslighter husband?!

87 replies

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 17:10

I am not even sure what's happening right now. Sorry if this is ling

Today wasn't even nearly as bad as most days are when he gets going. We had a big falling out a few weeks ago which resulted in him smashing my phone to pieces, threatening to stab me, throwing raw eggs at me one by one, and who knows what else I am trying to clear my mind of it. During this episode he started to yell "I need help, I need help" and immediately called a therapist to make an appointment (first time ever, he has always refused) and spend the next 3 days crying his heart out because I'd told him I can't do this anymore and had left to my parents house with our 3 dc.

He cried so much (in 12 years this is the first time, he usually responds to everything with anger) that I truly thought this was the first real step to change and getting him help. He needs it.

But within a week he kept saying he didn't see th point, the connection was gone (because I hadn't had sex with him or cuddled... obviously I was still feeling traumatized by his recent antics) and why should he be nice to me when we have nothing in common and I have no ambition, among other things. I really thought he was just feeling hurt as my parents had found out my situation and he needed some time to figure out how to make it up to me.

Fast forward 3 weeks and here I still am with his attitude the same. He has called me a stupid bitch, fucking cunt, you name it during these weeks and today when he said he said it's pointless that we are together I said no problem I will leave to my parents. I left quick enough that I didn't give him too much time to overreact, though he spat out some things such as "oooh divorcing me because I'm not nice enough?" Or "running to mommy and daddy so quick?" So here I am, dc with me but I don't even know if he will want them tomorrow, I realize he has a right to them also.

I don't even know what I'm feeling. Sad, relieved, bad that he didn't try harder after how sad he was. He needs help. But I can't keep doing this. I called my lawyer just now and left a voicemail. I've seen her to talk separation once before.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 19:47

@GsbMaxi

He blames you because the truth is so abhorrent to him...he is his problem.

Throwing eggs at you, so disrespectful and demeaning.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 20:02

Glad to see you here, Attila

Original poster

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 20:23

Yes you are all so right. I just need reminders because even though his love was always an act mine was not. But I do know I need to plow on. I wouldn't be a showing my kids a good example if I didn't. Someday I hope they understand why.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 20:24

They will

Original poster

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 21:10

He's finally messaged me. "What's the plan" he says. Like what???

OP posts:

Curtainsandtv · 05/01/2018 21:15

They will understand why.

My parents divorced simply because they weren't happy together any more. I felt a bit sad but would rather they were happy seperately than together unhappily.

If my dad had behaved like your psycho of a husband, I would have judged her for not

How would you feel if your mum had stayed with a man who was constantly horrible to her, threatened to stab her, and threw eggs at her? X.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 21:17

Don't dignify that bullshit with a reply.

Just get on with the practical side of separating. He is trying to suck you in.

Curtainsandtv · 05/01/2018 21:18

Sorry I didn't mean that to sound harsh.

Please please please stay strong x. For you and your kids x. He needs to sort himself out, and you need to move on and live happily with your kids x.

Curtainsandtv · 05/01/2018 21:32

Surely the plan now is to sort out the practicalities of your separation? X. Only engage now with these practicalities. Ignore anything else. Do as much as you can yourself Ie not speaking with him. Get advice re divorce, finance etc.

If you do need to talk to him, please have someone else there. But wherever possible I'd try and keep things written x.

Curtainsandtv · 05/01/2018 21:44

Also, there are agencies that help victims of domestic abuse. Your parents sound supportive which is great x, but these agencies might be able to offer some help as well? If I were you I'd tell trusted friends too, get all the support you can x. You'll look back one day and be so glad you did this x.

Original poster

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 22:07

Well he is laying his temper on me now. I knew it was coming.

Says he has never abused me, never called me names and I'm being dramatic. He doesn't know why we are arguing but if I want to play games he is ready to play. He is going to find a lawyer and make sure the kids are going to him.

I am freaking out now. He can't possibly take my children from me can he? The thought of it has me distraught and it's the weekend my lawyer won't get to me until Monday now. He can't take them. He can't. I'm all for sharing them but he is being nasty.

OP posts:

Original poster

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 22:08

Also he's accusing me of abusing him!! Wtf!!

OP posts:

ferando81 · 05/01/2018 22:11

Plenty of times I have read LTB and thought it might be working on the relationship.Not in this case you need to get out before the loon kills you

Original poster

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 22:12

And no curtains you are absolutely right. Thank you for your advice I appreciate it more than I can explain. I do have two friends who are aware of the extent of it and have for several years. They are both willing to stand for me in court if necessary to at least explain they know he has been EA for years as I have told them about it every step of the way.

OP posts:

Lalliella · 05/01/2018 22:13

Write a journal OP. Write down everything abusive he’s done, dates, actions, details, the lot. Get a lawyer and take your journal to court. Never go back. Good luck

Original poster

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 22:18

Will a journal be worth anything if I am writing down memories of things he's said or done? At this point I wouldn't remember dates or possibly years (it's been 12) but I will try to log everything from here on out also.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 05/01/2018 22:21

Hey OP. You don't have to listen to his bs now! Disengage and keep a diary. He cannot help himself so you will have no problem filing up a diary with the bs that comes out of his mouth! Don't stress, be calm and collected but if you feel threatened in any way by him, ring the Police and get an incident number.

Ohmyfuck · 05/01/2018 22:29

My dad was like this. Throwing his plate of dinner at the door, pouring a trifle on top of my mother's head who was crouching and sobbing on the floor, shouting and humiliating her, etc. It's not just about you, it's about your poor kids too. My sisters and I would fantasise about him leaving. Once the neighbours called the police but my mum wouldn't press charges. Us girls were pleading with the police to take him away. Nowadays we'd have been moved out, I expect, but they just left us there. They're still together and he still speaks to her like shit and puts her down. She has no confidence. It's best you leave soon and if he does anything silly, know it wasn't your fault. Good luck.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 22:44

You are not listening to us. Stop engaging with him. You have nothing to say to him and there is nothing you want to hear. Block him on all messaging services. If you engage with him you will fall for all the manipulations he has used before

He cannot take the children.

If you do what you have always done you will get what you have always got. He is not above the law, he is not king and he is not the boss of you.

Ignore and press on with your plans This is imperative. If you do not, no one can help you.

Ryder63 · 05/01/2018 22:52

You may unwittingly have become addicted to the drama OP. There is a term for it but I cannot recall it atm.

AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 22:59

Co dependent

Hermonie2016 · 05/01/2018 23:13

Its scary once they ramp up the anger but just keep going.It maybe a long fight but it will be worth it. From a distance my exs behaviour felt even more scary as I think the loss of control drove greater anger.
Ex went to counselling for a year but it made it worse.It dragged up his childhood abuse and he was confronted about his behaviour towards me.After each session he was a ball of rage.I think he assumed counselling would confirm his status as a victim and he would just get empathy but its not like that as change takes responsibility.

Remember you are safe with your parents and on Monday you can take legal steps.
It will get easier.

Original poster

GsbMaxi · 05/01/2018 23:17

I am at my parents with the kids and trying to ignore him as much as possible... doesn't he have a right to see his children though? If I am to block him how can I communicate when and how he is to visit them?

I am sorry, I am not trying to be ignorant I just don't know what I am allowed to do or if he could call the police on me for "taking" his children. I am afraid that he will show up to take them home with him if I ignore him completely.

I also don't want him to say to the court that I've been unreasonable or prevented him from seeing his children. I want to look like the one who is trying to cooperate and have the kids see both parents.

This said, my thinking could be all off. Maybe someone could help me understand how the court will see me if I totally disengage?

Thank you again everyone for your help. I hope I don't come off too stupid.

OP posts:

nestletollhouse · 05/01/2018 23:21

How old are your children op?

nestletollhouse · 05/01/2018 23:22

I don't think in this circumstance where you are leaving an abusive relationship you need to give contact at this time. At least until you speak to your lawyer on Monday. You're not going to be punished for this weekend. If he turns up at your parents call the police.

Don't block him as you need his texts as evidence but do ignore him. Don't engage.

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