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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you were me, would you be upset about it ...

67 replies

Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 08:30

I got married last year...a very low key wedding. We had 20 guests, only parents, siblings...etc...We had a daughter already so that was the reason we didn't want a big wedding and also because we are not made of money..the wole thing has costed 1 grand + money we spent in holidays (the wedding was in France and we stay 2 weeks there)....out of our wedding we almost got 3 grands from our families as a wedding gift, which quite a lot no ???

We go back to England, we dispatches a bit the cheques we got between us to put it in the bank...some of them were on my maiden name and some others were on his name...don't ask me why they didn't put it in all the same name.

I was hoping to do a little trip with this money but when I asked about the money to my DH, he said nothing was left...that the money my parents gave..covered the money we spent in the wedding...and the rest was in various debt we had (debts I was not made aware of even if I asked few times about our financial situation)....so nothing left at all..I was stunned, I tought we could afford this wedding but we couldn't even a small one...but he could afford to go to a stag do with his mates which I found out costed 400 quids...

Sorry for the long rant but can you understand why I'm upset and bitter ???

OP posts:
oranges · 25/04/2007 08:33

not surprising that the money was spent on bits and pieces but a bit worried you have no idea about your joint financial situation. I'd write this off but make sure you have control of your money from now on.

belgo · 25/04/2007 08:36

I'm not surprised you're bitter and upset. It's a hard way to learn a lessen, but you have to be in control of your finances, as it doesn't sound like you can trust your dh.

FioFio · 25/04/2007 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 25/04/2007 08:36

How is the money situation generally? I'd definately want to get more involved and maybe do some budgeting, to find out what was going on, and try to take control a bit more.

I would not be happy if my DH was spending lots of money on a trip for him, but there wasn't enough money for a trip for me.

GooseyLoosey · 25/04/2007 08:36

I can understand why you think he should not have spent £400 getting drunk with his mates (assuming that's what he did) when you have no money. However, like oranges, I think that you should have a better idea of your joint finances - do you not look at your bank statements? I don't really think its his fault that you had less money than you thought you had unless he had been secretly running up debts which he used your money to pay off - in which case rant anway, you are entirely justified.

mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 08:36

I think this shows an apalling lack of communication between the two of you both before and after your wedding.

Surely whilst planning the wedding you must have sat down and discussed the budget? How can he claim tat money given at the wedding was needed to pay for the wedding, which presumably was already paid for...

I would ask him for a full break down of the costs and expect to have 50% say in where future monies get spent...

Original poster
Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 08:39

I have control of it now but I'm unable to have a joint account...I findit sad beinglike this, I haven't been raised like this, my parents made me aware of their financial situation by showing me the figures....my DH did it sometimes but not everytime at the "variables" as he put it...were changing all the time...I trust him but not athe financial level..pathetic no ? Sad ?

OP posts:
oranges · 25/04/2007 08:41

Why can't you have a joint account? Or open your own account? DO you mean he has an account and you don't?

Chandra · 25/04/2007 08:43

Erm, I agree with everything oranges has said. You have to imporve your communication and take a more active part in the financial role.

Original poster
Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 08:45

I know I'm part to blame as well..I tought we had a communication but visibly no...he says he doesn't want to worry me but when I ask him to show me a spreadsheet with all our fixed charges and everything..he says yes yes...the other day he has hided to call the bank in order to renegociate a loan we had...wouldn't you expect your DH or partner to talk about it with you ?

I tried to learn a lesson from this and told him we should work as a team....I still feel he's not telling me everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 08:50

I have my account..I don't earn as much as him but 90 % of it goes to pay the childminder and what's left goes to saving accounts that I have opened since what has happened last year..I didn't keep it secret from my husband, for me it's just a way of reinsuring myself that if we've got a bad month I can help out. I changed, I did change my attitude, I want to get involve and not letting everything going on his shoulder...but he won't let me.

That's why I can't move on from what has happened last year. I feel silly to bore you with my problem but it has been eating me from the inside...

OP posts:
oranges · 25/04/2007 08:52

Right, well tell him that half the childminding costs come out of his salary, so you keep more of your earnings.
Let last year go. Weddings do eat up money, no matter how carefully you plan them, and at least its made you more careful about finances.
I still don't see why you don't have a joint account for household expenses.

Chandra · 25/04/2007 08:55

Well, considering you don't trust him, perhaps you can put all the money you get on your own account, at least you would know on what the money is spent. DH is not exactly good with money (although not terribly bad either) after regular over spendings (mostly in gourmet food, could you believe it??? in terms of "I got this wine bottle for just £80!") and him depositing one of my cheques in his account, I eventually managed to convince him to tranfer an equal payment to both individual accounts a month from the joint account, and the rest to be left alone in it. It works well, as we use the joint account for the direct debits for the bills, mortgage, etc. while the money we keep in our personal accounts acts as "pocket money" to use on whatever we fancy without the need to consult each other.

Original poster
Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 09:03

We do not have a joint account because I don't earn enought money...we divide things this way...I pay all the childcare + plus I keep the bit left for the savings for emergencies and he pays for the rest...We do not have spare money as he says...

I just want to be shown by him how much does he pay for everything...to avoid the bad surprises of last year...I'm not a silly cow if I would have know the whole situation, I would have never get married..not wanting to spend the money we do not have....

This idiot is still hiding his bank statements...

OP posts:
oranges · 25/04/2007 09:06

You don't have to earn anything at all to have a joint bank account. look you either have to get a better paying job so you can afford to support yourself and your child or make him have a joint account that you can access. You are incredibly vulnerable like this.

Chandra · 25/04/2007 09:08

"This idiot is still hiding his bank statements... "

HUGE warning sign there!, you can't trust him with money!

maveta · 25/04/2007 09:15

I agree that what happened with the wedding and the money left over is annoying but it´s over and done with and you need to focus on how you are going to manage your finances together in the future. It´s really worrying that he doesn´t seem able/ willing to sit down and talk through all of your bills/ debts with you OR that he is hiding his bank statements.

I only have a joint account with my dh as it just works better for us this way. In general I ´do´ the accounts in terms of staying on top of where we are with everything and dh would quite happily let me take care of it and just ask me from time to time if he can e.g. buy some clothes. But that was doing my head in so now I MAKE him sit down and look at them with me so I know he understands where we are, what money we have, what needs to be paid etc etc. It makes life much easier when you have joint responsibility.

Helennn · 25/04/2007 09:29

I do not directly earn anything - yet we have a joint account and both access it equally. It is worrying that you think this means you cannot have a joint account

Your post is extremely worrying to me, he sounds like he controls you and makes financial decisions without considering you. A friend was in your situation, they split up last year because he was so controlling - she has since discovered he has led a life of lies and created tonnes of debt which she is now being forced to pay back, she was not even allowed to see her own post, let alone their joint ones.

Also, if he is trying to re-negotiate a loan that you both have refuse to sign anything until you fully understand it - don't let him tell you he is trying to protect you or that you wouldn't understand it. If he "buggers off", you will be jointly liable to pay it back - just like my friend, (who also looks after her 2 children and has to earn a fortune to pay off the debts!!).

Original poster
Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 09:33

Well I'm sure the fact he's like this come from his parents...his dad was the bread winner, the mum stays at home and she never questionned anything....now the mum has touched a massive inheritance from her mother so she's loaded...they both have different accounts, they often don't go in holidays together...it's weird...if I let things going unchanged maybe I'm heading for the same situation...

The other day, I was talking about some glasses I really liked...he interrupted me and said, you want them, you pay for it...WTF ???

As married couple, are we supposed to be like this with each other ???

OP posts:
Original poster
Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 09:35

Heleenn - You make me scared.

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 09:41

right...insist the he writes down every bill and debt that gets paid each month so you can work out a budget....and you know what percentage of his wages are spent
who pays for the grocery shopping?

Original poster
Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 09:45

Grocery shoppping : he does pay for it but I pay for it when I have extra money..generally I pay for the bits and blobs we need during the week.

My maternity leave starts monday, so it's going to be quite interesting to see how we work out things...

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 25/04/2007 09:48

do you get maternity pay?

presumably you will not have childcare costs whilst you're at home?

Just tell him this is the ideal time to sort out the finances.

Original poster
Definitelynotalovestory · 25/04/2007 09:55

I get the maternity allowance...112 quids per week and no child care to pay...he says we are going to be confortable...I asked him to give me 100 pounds everymonth to put in my emergency account..it's only fair no ?

OP posts:
BandofMothers · 25/04/2007 09:56

I would worry too actually. If he wont show you bank statements then he is probably hiding something.
He needs to realise that you are not your mother and he is not his father and that the 2 of you need to do things differently, or you will question him over it, which I think is normal.

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