If you were me, would you be upset about it ...

[Definitelynotalovestory]

I got married last year...a very low key wedding. We had 20 guests, only parents, siblings...etc...We had a daughter already so that was the reason we didn't want a big wedding and also because we are not made of money..the wole thing has costed 1 grand + money we spent in holidays (the wedding was in France and we stay 2 weeks there)....out of our wedding we almost got 3 grands from our families as a wedding gift, which quite a lot no ???

We go back to England, we dispatches a bit the cheques we got between us to put it in the bank...some of them were on my maiden name and some others were on his name...don't ask me why they didn't put it in all the same name.

I was hoping to do a little trip with this money but when I asked about the money to my DH, he said nothing was left...that the money my parents gave..covered the money we spent in the wedding...and the rest was in various debt we had (debts I was not made aware of even if I asked few times about our financial situation)....so nothing left at all..I was stunned, I tought we could afford this wedding but we couldn't even a small one...but he could afford to go to a stag do with his mates which I found out costed 400 quids...

Sorry for the long rant but can you understand why I'm upset and bitter ???

well, you don't have enough information about your finances to know wht is fair..

How much does he earn each month and how much are your living costs eg mortage, c tax, utilities, insurances and groceries?

Only knowing those two figures will you understand if he is spending money paying off personal debts that you are unaware of.

You need all the facts.

Thank you very much for your honest comments..I know we have to change our way of doing big time otherwise we'll never get anywhere...

Sensible advice from mumto3, you need to know these things. Since your childcare costs are going to drop I would not start paying for more things, but start putting extra money in your savings and make sure he has no access to it.
Just in case. I know it sounds awful, and it could turn out you need not worry, but you don't want to be left with nothing and it's always sensible to have some emergency funds for just you.

Your DH doesn't get it I'm afraid - now you're married, the money that comes into the household is both of yours. I agree that he is behaving in a very irresponsible and - dare I say - controlling way. There is no way I would stand for this with my DH and I don't earn a penny at the moment. We don't have a joint bank account because we have been too lazy to organise, but I have his cashcard and PIN and we treat it like a joint account anyway.

I don't want to worry you, but a friend of mine had a DH who acted like this over money, hiding bills etc. It transpired that he had got into about £90,000 of debt not including the mortgage You need to be 100% aware of your joint financial situation NOW and if that means opening all the post until you do know what is going on, then so be it.

Is he this controlling in other aspects of your relationship, or is it just money?

Actually you are a married couple fgs and for lots of us who earn little or nothing compared to our dh's, a joint a/c is totally the norm.

I have a little income but am basically a sahm to our 4 children. Dh is self employed. We've ALWAYS had a joint account, plus a separate business a/c for dh, for professional purposes. There's no secrets in that either btw; we keep statements for both in files in the study. Both of us can look them up as we please (actually we don't unless we need to analyse outgoings for an upcoming economy drive or whatever !).

I do most of the grocery shopping online or at local shops, using cc for online and cash from joint a/c for butcher etc.
Cc funded ultimately fron joint a/c by direct debit.

Food is for the FAMILY surely; why not a joint a/c for you ?

Oh and why is childcare cost down to you ?

Like everyone else we have spells of economising; we agree not to buy anything but essentials for a while. But generally if I or the children need anything I just buy it without bdiscussing it with dh. Obviously in theory I could go out and fritter the joint a/c on Mulberry handbags and the latest phone, but of course I don't. It's all about balance and trust. I don't think your dh trusts you much I'm afraid. Time to talk to him...

And I'm bloddy crying now...I'll never reach that with my husband, I have been on his case for month...and who tells me he's going to change.

I think you have had a lot of good advice so far. I do think you have to speak to your DH and explain that you are worried. One thing I was interested in is that you say that you pay 90% of your income on child care costs. If that really is true is it viable for you to go out to work? The other 10% of your income is presumably spent on other working costs eg. travel expenses, work clothes etc. Do you intend to return to work again when your maternity leave ends? If so, are your childcare cost going to exceed your salary? Sorry for all the questions. Just curious really but all things which I think you need to talk over with your DH.

You don't need to contribute to be named on a joint account . Given your imminent drop in income I would use this as an opportunity to insist on there being a joint account with some transparency of the incomings and outgoings from which you could pay for food and other day to day expenses. It doens't have to be the account into which his salary is paid but once your Maternity pay ceases £100 a month pocket money won't go far.

What is the loan for btw , if you paid off the debts with the wedding money ? Sounds potentially as if your spending is already out of control again. btw how did he access money which must have been paid into accounts in your name only ie. the ones in your maiden name, it would have needed your signature ?

Definitelynotalovestory - we have always had 3 accounts... a joint one that most of our money gets paid into and all the bills get paid out of, plus one each in our own name that we get an agreed amount paid into that we can spend as we like without accounting for it... 'pocket money' if you like.

I would never have married dh if I'd thought that we had secrets about our financial affairs.

Look on the bright side - your dh sounds like a bit of a romantic who wants to take on the 'provider' role so that you don't have to worry about anything. BUT... that's just not acceptable in the modern world - YOU must have joint responsibility for your financial affairs and that means a joint account. Otherwise there is no trust in your relationship.

Don't cry...sorry if any of us have upset you.

We are just concerned. You came looking for advice about your finances and obviously we can only see your situation from an outiders point of view, but you do need to have a long talk with him and don't give up until you have the facts.

I'd be livid if i were you.

rumpypumpy - I pay all the chilcare, 175 pounds per week, 15 pounds for transport and rest goes to savings. I must have spent a little bit more that 100 pounds in clothes since I have been pregnant.

I can't afford not to work as I need it for my own self confidence..etc..etc..

I intend to go back to work again but this time the childcare is going to be doubled (well over my salary) so I don't know yet how we are going to sort it out things...I came to term long time ago that while the kid[s]are not full time at school well we won't have spare money...

Lizls - The debt we have are pre-wedding, I just didn't know the extent...we are not crazy people...all the extra money goes on things for DD

Definitelynotalovestory - don't cry... print off the thread and show it to him. It's TOTALLY normal to have a joint account even when one partner earns nothing - my parents did that 45 years ago - it's not a new concept.

Most of the people I know with totally separate finances are now divorced.

He probably doesn't realise how unhappy this is making you.

Don't keep on about the stag do, though, that's water under the bridge now. It was clearly wrong of him but there's no point in using it as a weapon against him.

If you have had debts already then you need to plan your finances NOW if your childcare costs are increasing or you will sink further into debt. You won't be given 3 grand every year to sort out your finances, will you?

Be positive, be grateful that you have cleared your debts for the time being, work out what you can afford to spend each month and TEAR UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS NOW

So the wedding money wasn't actually enough to pay off the previous debts? What I'm not clear about is how the money payable to you found its way to disappear without you knowledge ?

If he needs to renegotiate the loan then presumably your joint income is not covering your expenses atm and this will become more difficult over the next few months. Perhaps ask him, for your own peace of mind, to demonstrate how you are going to manage going forward, with 2 babies and you not working and additional childcare costs when you resume. Perhaps he is still trying to protect you but you are right to worry that there may be more to it - he needs to prove otherwise.

I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself...but I really want this to work...he admitted himself I was low maintenance wife (nice)...I really hope that with me in ML, it's going to be a new beginning...because the difficulties and the many other variables will come back when I get back to work. If we can't make it at this stage, I don't think we are going to be able to make it at all.

definitelynotalovestory don't cry, and I'm sorry if my post upset you. Try to look on the positive - you are going to do something about this and however hard, it will improve both your financial situation and your relationship for the future.

Definitelynotalovestory - don't forget to make allowances for the fact that you are very hormonal at the moment. You need to sit down with him and plan how you are going to manage - he can't afford to stick his head in the sand and ignore the situation.

I don't have credit card, as I don't spend money I don't have....we still are in debt, not catastrophic debt...no debts based on extravagantza we could have bought but still debt...our daughter came as a surprise so we have been trought difficult period...as a lot of people before me I'm sure about it...

I agree I should move on the subject of the wedding because, what is done is done....this money has been spent on various things which needed to be payed, it's just sad it came as a surprise to me, meaning I didn't realise the extent of our problem...

I just want now to work on it together..he has to stop his attitude of martyr poor guy who has to manage his family finances...I'm not asking him to do it on his own.

Yes very hormonal at the moment...but he should listen to me because what I say makes sense...and I'm not a bloody fucking french idiot who understand nothing.

Sorry for being rude...

The thing is that - even if your debts are small - you need to plan carefully as your expenses are about to increase so you won't be able to clear them as easily.

Lokking on the bright side... things do get easier. When I had ds1 (13) I gave up work and by the time we'd paid our household bills we had about £300 a month left to feed & clothe ourselves, buy nappies, run the car etc.

But of course as time went by, dh's salary increased, then eventually I got a part time job.

You need to plan carefully now so that your relationship doesn't suffer because of the financial situation.

You are entitled to be rude, but perhaps you need to take out your frustration on him rather than on Mumsnet ( or both - feel free!!

I hope he has got everything under control and just doesn't want to bother you with the details - but you won't know for sure until you sit down and ask him what your financial situation is like and how it will be affected by another baby.

Good Luck! and by the way your english is great - wish i could speak french!!

Fortyplus - It's what I tell him, we need to plan carefully...that means we need to predict, we can't live our lives day by day...in 9 months when I go back to work, I suspect the childcare is going to reach 1400-1600 ponds per month, we are going to get child benefits but I don't want to base our finance in the benefits we are going to get..it's wrong

Mumto3girls - I actually took my frustration on him yesterday evening while he was supporting his football team yesterday evening

I'm going to be on his case, more than never now...I can be a big pain !!

Thank you for the compliment about my english...that's cheer me up