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Original poster

He isn't good enough for me. An we aren't good enough for our children.

78 replies

Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 18:16

I hate having to make this post.
So I don't know why I got involved with him. I was 18, he was 22. He has been a no hoper with jobs. Won't learn to drive and he has no motivation for life. Nothing. I went along being naive I think and if I'm honest, sex was a new and exciting thing with me and I just wanted to meet "the one" and settle down. My life has been pretty shit. Finding my brother committing suicide at 7, all I wanted was my own family.
I got this last year. We welcomed our beautiful little girl into the world. I'm now due again in march with our little boy.
In December he was let go from his job. He's made zero effort to get another. He just expects me to do it all for him. We have a house that we're now loosing. I do a long shift almost 7 months pregnant to clear the debt he put me in and then I have to clean the whole house top to bottom. I've had people (his family) threaten to report me for an untidy house when our little girl was a newborn.
I feel utterly worthless. I don't get 5 mins anymore. I'm dealing with sciatica too that's crippling me as well as rheumatoid arthritis. Even the bins I have to do my damn self. An he just sits there. Getting angry at the xbox.
He won't learn to drive.
He won't help me around the house.
He won't look for another job or even sign on. Nothing.

I've thoughts about adoption for our second. He wasn't planned and we were on contraception. But what life is this? I do overtime to my daughter doesn't go without. My benefits have stopped cause he's with me just there. I'm fed up.
What would you do? Every time we talk it's just a fight

OP posts:
saladdays66 · 04/01/2018 21:54

Ugh. LTB. For all the reasons mentioned above. What a useless waste of space.

Rainbowmother · 04/01/2018 21:55

You sound suffocated.

The reality of young children on 3 buses would soon put him off.

Please get out however you can

BrokenBattleDroid · 04/01/2018 22:06

A baby boy may be something to celebrate for your mum, healing even. I don't think adoption is a bad thing at all, it can be very selfless to give your child up to a better life. But that doesn't sound like what this is - you are considering it because of other people. Plus, if your mum is in such a bad place it sounds unlikely that a new baby will make it worse. You being free from this man however....

Even if you do go down the adoption route, do you think your mum might support you?

I think the medium thing is a crock of rubbish but do understand that it probably isn't to your mum.

Original poster
Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 22:11

It's everything to my mom and the medium I hate to say was bang on exactly when I last saw her and when my partner saw her. She would support me but I don't see the point. I'm barely managing to give my daughter what she needs because I'm on such a low income. All my money goes on her. Granted she doesn't need material things. But with two.. I'm barely affording his things. Barely. I'm almost sorted for him and it's taken me a lot of hard work and going without but I'm almost there. I love my kids. I really do more than anything an half of me will die with giving him away if I choose to. I'll never forgive myself but he would have the chance at a better life and not in this mess.
I don't want to.
But I feel it's best.

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 04/01/2018 22:28

I think with mediums you don't remember the things that they were wrong about, it just how it works. Makes it seem real when it isn't. Plus some taking advantage of the fears of vulnerable people sometimes. I hope you don't also feel the medium may be right about your precious baby, she isn't Flowers

Can you look into benefits etc that you would be entitled to as a single parent asap? I just don't know enough to comment, but maybe even start a new thread just about the finances as there will some very knowledgeable posters about.

midsummabreak · 04/01/2018 22:33

I am so sorry for your loss of your brother Gigi Please know I understand it would be so very difficult greiving your loss a 7 year old and wishing for that feeling of being a happy family to come back. It is understandable you worry aboutwhat the medium said. But what the medium said is cruel. I dont believe anyone can see into the future. But plenty of people make a truckload of money out if people worrying themselves sick about their future. She is making money out of your family's understandable anxiety and fears. It is understandable you are terrified of your child going through the same as your dear brother.
We find ourselves at different points in our lives, feeling so worried about how things will go that we seek advice from a cfortune teller, clarevoyant, or medium. But often what they say is only true because they find a way ti say it that would be true for everyone. Its not like they can be specific and say all exact deatails - for a reason- Because they dont know what exactly will happen. But they know vaguely what will happen, just as we all know, vaguely will happen. You said yourself, you just know that your partner will not have found work by February. You know this is likely to be true in future, not because you are a fotune teller, but because you see ypur parner's strong addiction to getting better & better at gaming , and his saving for a game put of his disability money, instead of saving for his family.

Hidingtonothing · 04/01/2018 22:34

You have a chance of a better life too though OP, without the weight of your partner on your back you and your DC could have a completely different life. The decision about your baby is absolutely yours to make but I can't help but think you need to get free of this man before you make it, everything will may feel different once you're away from him.

He's sapping what little is left of your energy, motivation and positivity after working, looking after DD and picking up after him, not to mention the mental load of it all because you know he will contribute nothing, physically, mentally or financially. What seems impossible while you still have the millstone that is your 'partner' hanging round your neck may well feel totally achievable once you're free, please don't underestimate the effect he will be having on your thinking.

I think you should tell your mum about the baby, she will have to know at some point presumably and you need support now. You'll find lots of support here too, please don't feel you're alone Flowers

GlitterSparkles17 · 04/01/2018 22:36

My heart goes out to you you sound totally trapped. But believe me your not.

Kick him out, he won’t want the kids 5 days a week when it comes down to it, how will he play Xbox? Secondly if he does suggest that then you say no. Your their Mum and you get to make the decisions.
He doesn’t love you, he just loves having you be his mummy doing everything for him while he acts like a manchild.

If your parents are helping out with rent is there any way they could help you with a deposit for a new place, a fresh start for you and the kids? I really think you should tell your mum about the pregnancy, it will probably be a weight off your shoulders.

I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like he cares for you at all, he got you nothing for Xmas? Not even a card but expected you to pay for him an Xbox?! That’s just nasty and vile, he has zero respect for you. A decent partner would be helping you with your dc, the housework and trying to find a job. How he’s acting is not normal or acceptable. Please see you are worth more and so are your kids.

As for the adoption suggestion that’s entirely your decision but maybe you wouldn’t feel this way if you didn’t have him hanging around acting like an adult baby?

IrritatedUser1960 · 04/01/2018 22:38

What the hell are you doing with this twat, get shot of him asap. It will only get worse. You have your kids you do not need this waste of space.

AdalindSchade · 04/01/2018 22:39

If your partner didn't consent to adoption you wouldn't be able to proceed with it so just be aware of that.

He's not a good father. He's not there for his daughter in any meaningful way at all and he's a shit partner to you.

GlitterSparkles17 · 04/01/2018 22:40

Also you would get a lot of help from tax credits as a single parent and child benefit for two kids plus your wage. If you decided to go back to work you would also get help towards nursery fees. There is help out there, don’t feel alone.

EskiVodkaCranberry · 04/01/2018 22:47

Don't stick with anyone you wouldn't want your children to stick with. You deserve so much better Thanks

midsummabreak · 04/01/2018 23:17

I am just wondering if in an emergency your parents would take you in? How soon can you end the rent agreement ?

llangennith · 04/01/2018 23:21

Lots of good advice on here OP. I hope you heed it. I only want to add that he is absolutely NOT a good father. Don’t kid yourself.

Cbaanymore123 · 04/01/2018 23:35

Op adoption is very hard and it's unlikely you will be able to go through with it after giving birth.

Are you to late to have a termination ?

You sound amazingly strong I just wish you had enough fight in you to get you and your little girl out this situation. You could have a fantastic life waiting for you and you would never know.

Flowers
DistanceCall · 04/01/2018 23:41

He's not a bad father.

Yes he is. He's mistreating the mother of his children. He's not providing for his children. He's a crap father.

Please leave him. You and your children will be - with total certainty - better off.

Dadaist · 05/01/2018 11:00

Lay out what you have just said calmly to him. And LTB! You need him to step up or ship out!

Offred · 05/01/2018 11:05

What would I do? Kick him out, he’s total dead weight.

Original poster
Gigimoll · 05/01/2018 11:12

Just thought I'd update. I confronted him. I don't think we're together anymore. He insists on taking them both miles away for a few days a week. It's awkward because we aren't talking

OP posts:
Offred · 05/01/2018 11:47

He can’t take a newborn and a 1 year old ‘miles away’. If he’s interested in building a good relationship with them little and often is the best way to do that.

GreenTulips · 05/01/2018 11:51

Well you say you 'don't think' and 'he's taking them away'

Look - he doesn't believe you'll go through with it - if he takes them then he'll have to parent them - call his bluff it won't happen he's playing you - he wants you to calm down and for it to be all rosy again - you know where he gets to play games and brought food and you do everything else -

Throw him out and mean it

GlitterSparkles17 · 05/01/2018 16:05

He does have a right to see his children but I don’t think it’s wise to take a 1 year old and a baby that far when he can’t even drive. Saying that I don’t think it would last longer than a few weeks once the reality sets in that he has to be an actual parent.

LemonShark · 05/01/2018 16:19

When you say miles away OP what sort of distance are you talking here?

category12 · 05/01/2018 18:36

Again, OP, he can "insist" all he likes, but he doesn't have to get it.

DistanceCall · 05/01/2018 21:28

He insists on taking them both miles away for a few days a week.

He can't. I think he's bluffing, but in any case a court will soon disabuse him of his delusions.

Kick him out. Get a divorce. And no taking the children away without a court order.