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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He isn't good enough for me. An we aren't good enough for our children.

78 replies

Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 18:16

I hate having to make this post.
So I don't know why I got involved with him. I was 18, he was 22. He has been a no hoper with jobs. Won't learn to drive and he has no motivation for life. Nothing. I went along being naive I think and if I'm honest, sex was a new and exciting thing with me and I just wanted to meet "the one" and settle down. My life has been pretty shit. Finding my brother committing suicide at 7, all I wanted was my own family.
I got this last year. We welcomed our beautiful little girl into the world. I'm now due again in march with our little boy.
In December he was let go from his job. He's made zero effort to get another. He just expects me to do it all for him. We have a house that we're now loosing. I do a long shift almost 7 months pregnant to clear the debt he put me in and then I have to clean the whole house top to bottom. I've had people (his family) threaten to report me for an untidy house when our little girl was a newborn.
I feel utterly worthless. I don't get 5 mins anymore. I'm dealing with sciatica too that's crippling me as well as rheumatoid arthritis. Even the bins I have to do my damn self. An he just sits there. Getting angry at the xbox.
He won't learn to drive.
He won't help me around the house.
He won't look for another job or even sign on. Nothing.

I've thoughts about adoption for our second. He wasn't planned and we were on contraception. But what life is this? I do overtime to my daughter doesn't go without. My benefits have stopped cause he's with me just there. I'm fed up.
What would you do? Every time we talk it's just a fight

OP posts:
GreenRut · 04/01/2018 19:57

Op, kindly ; you are deluded if you think he is a good father and if the misunderstanding that he is is all that holds you back, you need to turn around that thought asap. He is not motivated enough to find work to help provide for his daughter or second child. He will sit and watch as you work long shifts so that you can pay his way, and that of his children. He will let your parents pay the rent to keep a roof over his daughter's head. He expects to to clean the house from top to bottom, even though you have sciatica. He has presumably been complicit in some way with his own family threatening to call SSC. He is not a good father because he is modelling such little respect for you, and a good father would not do that. You must set the bar higher for your daughter.

Thank God you have your parents. Lean on them for everything and anything. You are obviously switched on, too, so use that spark you have, and your tenacity to get him out of your life. You ARE a good mother Thanks

As for the insistence on 5 days on, 5 days off. Not going to happen. He could tell you he's moving to the moon with them and that would be about as realistic. There is no way he will go to court in the first place but even if he did, a court won't order an arrangement which is so disruptive for young children, let alone a new born baby. Remember : just because he says it (or anything!), it doesn't make it so.

2018 can be your year, op. And what a year it wil be if it sees you removing his leaching arse from your life Thanks

ferando81 · 04/01/2018 20:03

"Cares for your daughter"-no he doesn't .If he cared for he would get a job and provide .Its doing the horrible things like shopping ,housework and working that shows real love.Any moron can play and make a child laugh

peppapigwouldmakelovelyrashers · 04/01/2018 20:06

We spoke about it before and he said if we split he wants the babies 5 days on then 5 days off. I can't have them going that way so young

He's a layabout waster. There is no way on earth he is going to actually want the trouble of shared custody or get his shit together to go to court.

Does he add anything to your life at all?

PenelopePickle · 04/01/2018 20:12

LTB, and I don’t say that lightly.

I’ve been in an almost identical situation, I left 4 years ago (at 36 weeks pregnant) and it was the best decision I ever made.

You and your children deserve better, he won’t change Flowers

midsummabreak · 04/01/2018 20:19

He has a soul destroying addiction to gaming and it needs to stop. Sadly both himself and his family sound very poor at recognising the damage his addiction is doing. Obviously you are not in a position to help him with his addiction as a pregnant mum with young child and worn out from working long shifts. Agree with others, leaving to start a more positive life without him looks appealing in comparison to dealing with his inability to support you, arguments and gaming addiction.

What are you thinking to do at this stage? Can you end rent lease and stay there as single mum, but then you are not making a clean break and he may not accept he needs to go. Or can you ask if you can move in with your mum & dad while looking for a place?

MadisonMontgomery · 04/01/2018 20:20

Honestly, just leave. He can’t be bothered to get off his arse to do anything - what makes you think he is going to find the motivation to take you to court?! Even if he did, a judge is very unlikely to agree to the contact he is proposing, especially with a newborn baby and even more unlikely if you are breastfeeding. I would genuinely be shocked if he bothered seeing your children at all tbh.

midsummabreak · 04/01/2018 20:29

Maybe he is using his gaming as an escape from feeling worried about not having work or as escape from symptoms of anxiety and depression But sadly it just compounds the problem. I hope you can seek support soon to start a happier life. Can you talk to anyone IRL

Original poster
Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 20:32

Midsummer that's exactly what I think it is. I'm not disputing other comments of him not being arsed to do anything. But I know he would always be there emotionally for his kids. Not financial. But it's about both to me. He's severly depressed and has nothing to do but it's gotten to a point where I can't deal with it anymore. It's a burden. It's like looking after an adult child

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 04/01/2018 20:37

So the problem is that he is making it impossible for you to be a decent parent because he is dragging you down to the brink of what you can cope with.

If you leave him one of two things will happen in all likelihood.

  1. He won't change but will no longer be your problem, allowing you to parent properly.

  2. He will get a shock to the system and pull his socks up - good for your kids, good for you.

It's win win really.

RB68 · 04/01/2018 20:41

Sell the x box and kick his sorry ass into touch.

Original poster
Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 20:43

F this ladies. He's sat there after speaking to his mates on xbox since, 6pm. He won't take our daughter as she refuses to sleep. I still have bottles to do, his cleaning up from dinner and dinner to have myself. It's 8:45pm. There's no way I'm eating tonight before work. F this.

OP posts:
Weezol · 04/01/2018 20:44

He needs to move out. He has somewhere to go so he needs to leave and address his addiction. In the short term don't panic about the 5 day thing - once he's gone, allow yourself some time to breathe and recuperate.

Could you tell your family you're going to ask him to move out so they can support you?

I'm so sorry you're in this position. You sound like a great person and a determined and excellent mother Flowers.

Badbadtromance · 04/01/2018 20:44

I wasted a lot of time with a looser like you discribe. I too did everything while he sat around drinking. I remember being heavily pregnant and still working long hours. Ten minutes post birth he had me running up and down the stairs to loose my so called baby weight. I wish I had kicked his arse out sooner. Please op listen to the other posters. This man is only ever going to bring you heartache. Good luck

Original poster
Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 20:46

I need to now. I defended him in this thread and literally you're all right. I'm fed up. I don't know why I defend him to everyone. I'm scared to be alone as I live in an unsafe area. But it has to be better than this. I have no help. At least if I lived alone it's mine and my children's mess which I don't mind.

OP posts:
constantchange · 04/01/2018 20:50

Please leave him. He sounds like an absolutely useless piece of dog shit.

He doesn't care about you or your children.

Go and find someone to love and cherish and PROVIDE for you all.

midsummabreak · 04/01/2018 20:59

RB68's idea of selling the xbox and games is a great idea. Tell your parents to take it to sell- they are covering the cost of his bills on his behalf. What right does he have to sit playing it when you are working long hours both at home and at work.

Original poster
Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 21:08

That xbox Is the debt he got me into. I had so much precious jewellery that I've had to sell to try and clear it and to pay rent. I have nothing. He says it was his Christmas present. I got nothing.
He is hoping for another game in February for his birthday which he is budgeting his disability money for. Or which he is expecting me to pay.
Yet for my 21st he didn't even bother with a card. I was 35 weeks pregnant with my daughter and my parents took us to a sweet little village for the day. He didn't nothing but complain at me. He then got pissed off because I wouldn't have sex with him on the night.

Not to mention he bought a TV 2 years ago and couldn't afford to pay it off cause his hours dropped. So I lent him £200. The TV actually broke. So he managed to get a new one back and have my £200 on a voucher. I was early pregnant with my daughter at this point. An he spent it in front of me on his friend.

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 04/01/2018 21:14

RB68's idea of selling the xbox and games is a great idea. Tell your parents to take it to sell- they are covering the cost of his bills on his behalf. What right does he have to sit playing it when you are working long hours both at home and at work

Whilst I agree that it's all outrageously unfair on the OP I don't think it's good advice at all.

OP is heavily pregnant and needs life to become as stable and consistent as possible as quickly as possible. I would think confrontation needs to be minimized (obvious a break up is confrontational in itself, but still). I wouldnt want to leave him in a potentially vengeful and vindictive mood. Let him carry on with him silly games - she can breathe a sigh of relief without him hanging around her neck. I am a bit of a coward though so perhaps that's just me!

Original poster
Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 21:22

Brokenbattle, it does. I really don't want to deal with it. Especially being as though I'd have his family to deal with. Realistically, my parents don't have room for me and my two children. It's a tiny house. All I get if I confront him is that I'm in the wrong all the time.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 04/01/2018 21:30

I think you may be right BrokenBattleDroid.

It will be much easier to leave a calm game addicted partner than an angry game addicted partner. Agree it is best make a plan to calmly leave him to it, and put all energy into making a new life rather than wasting precios energy on arguments about gaming.

BrokenBattleDroid · 04/01/2018 21:34

So you know what you want to happen, that's great. Next step, implementing it and details.

What about talking to your parents tomorrow as a first step? Will they be supportive do you think- do they know how bad things are?

midsummabreak · 04/01/2018 21:40

GigimoGigimol you are not in the wrong and have every right to expect the father to put in equally for the housework, for the care of your child, to care for and look after you. and to work towards getting his career.

But he is drowning in his addiction to getting better and better at his gaming. Maybe the gaming is an escape from reality that he is failing as a provider for his family. I think you are brave to come on here and
seek hope for a happier future.

If you cant stay at parents house, what do they say about you making a fresh start as a single mum?
Is it possible to move closer to them?

Original poster
Gigimoll · 04/01/2018 21:49

My mom started this yesterday in all honesty. She has been pissed off for ages with him, as has her partner (my non biological dad) about my birthday etc and he sat in the middle of the sofa and wouldn't move so she could sit down. He snapped at her that he wanted his breakfast. I had to apologise on his behalf. She said yesterday she wished I hadn't have gone for him and she can't see why I did. Well.. Neither can I anymore. He just seems to have gotten worse. I haven't told my parents about this baby as there's been problems with him. I didn't know whether to abort if he wasn't healthy, adoption etc. I love him but I'm undecided about adoption. Not only that, my brother committed suicide and a medium told my mom that a boy was to be born soon and he would take on the same route as my brother. So I'm really.. Nervous about it. My mom is a shadow of herself now. So I don't know whether to tell her or not. But they think my partner is a waste of space anyway

OP posts:
Haffiana · 04/01/2018 21:52

OP do not confront your OH. You don't need to reason with him or discuss it. You need to do what is best for you and the kids. He does not need to agree that you are right.

If you live alone you will be in charge of your own finances as well. Remember - he will always be the father of his children. You are not taking that away from them by leaving him.