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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex saying he wants DD half the week

75 replies

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 12:44

Hi I posted a few weeks ago about taking my ex back. I have told him I’m not taking him back.
He is now saying he wants our 3 yr old half the week ans isn’t going to work part time (2 days a week) so it will mean he pays me less. I questioned how he could afford to do that. He lives with his parents and I said I would only consider it if he has his own place as she has no routine when she’s with him and I end up picking up the pieces when she comes home. He said his parents will help him out and he’ll be able to claim working tax credit!

I’m a bit pissed off he’s considering going part time when I work my arse off to provide for my kids burn ifs just shown me he hasn’t really changed and will just bum around if he does this.

Where do I stand if anywhere?

OP posts:
EarthwormsAndSnails · 04/01/2018 12:46

Do you feel like he's asking to have her half the week because he genuinely wants to or for other motives?

If he genuinely wants to, is there anyway you could work with his parents to help implement a routine. You explain that your DC can stay over for longer periods if the routine she already has it kept at their house?

Greensleeves · 04/01/2018 12:48

Does he have parental rights? Is he likely to challenge you legally if you say no, or is he just yanking your chain? I'd be looking for legal advice I think.

Original poster
Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 12:50

He say she he wants to see her more but I also know how lazy he is so it’s probably an easy option. Plus I don’t really want her to go for half the week. She won’t be going while he’s living with his parents because she doesn’t have a bedroom and sleeps in his bed

OP posts:
Original poster
Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 12:51

Yes he has parental responsibility?! I’m sure he does lol! Part of me is thinking he’s just saying it but I’m not too sure

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 04/01/2018 13:43

I think I've read on MN that experts think 50/50 is not great for the child.

If that is the case, for that reason alone I wouldn't want to do it.

The fact that he is lazy, living with parents, wanting to use this to claim working tax credit shows he's not doing it for your dd's best interest.

Does he ever do school pick ups?

I am remember laughing at a thread where the exH expected the OP to collect their DD from school, and take care of her until he picked her up after work, just so he could say he had her 50/50 and so didn't neeed to pay maintenance.

How much maintenance does he pay now?

FizzyGreenWater · 04/01/2018 13:54

Shared care like this is awful for a small child - unstable, insecure, they suffer being made to shuttle between homes.

So I'd say NO. What she needs is one home, a bed and place of her own, permanently.

I'd say that even if he were the best dad in the world - which it sounds is if he isn't. Sounds more like it's a way of havign a great excuse not to work, pay less maintenance but at the same time hand over responsibility for your DD to his parents. Just no.

The standard is a night in the week and every other weekend.

Don't criticise his parenting, simply say you don't think 50/50 is anything but disruptive and unpleasant for so young a child and you don't agree.

Maintenance is separate and it sounds as if he's going to try and get out of paying more than a bare minimum anyway.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/01/2018 13:55

Oh and if he keeps at it, you say 'No, I don't want my child living with her grandparents and mainly in their care half the week.' Call it what it is.

missyB1 · 04/01/2018 14:03

He's only saying it because he's planning on his parents doing all the work! She wouldn't be living half the week with dad, she'd be with the GPs, what would be the point?

titchy · 04/01/2018 14:15

Keep it child-centred.
'It isn't in her best interests to have her half the week'.
'It isn't in her best interests to have her stay somewhere she has no room and no bed'.
'It isn't in her best interests to have so many changes in routine each week'.
'Once she has started school and you have a bedroom and bed for her then we can revisit'.

Etc

Ellisandra · 04/01/2018 16:22

@FrizzyGreenWater do you know that there are many on MN with children in a shared care arrangement of 50:50 or similar where it works very well indeed? Hmm So whatever you think of the OP's ex, can you please not throw about unsubstantiated criticism of the rest of us?

My 9yo has spent 5 years "shuttling between homes". She's very settled and happy, and sees them as no less permanent homes than a friend who spends 3/4 weekends in a holiday cottage. I know my daughter is happy because apart from odd nights when I'm working away, she knows she has total freedom to ask to be at one home longer than the other. It's not unusual (though not common) for us to switch dates around at her request.

I know plenty of families that don't do EOW plus 1 night in the week, who make it work perfectly well.

Everything depends on the personality of the child - this child may be flexible. Mine always was, long before the divorce she was the child in the group who didn't care for routine.

OP, he is her father. 3 days may not be a bad thing. It allows her to have "daily life" with both of you, not just "Disney weekends". It may allow you a better work life balance too. If you don't have her some days, can you apply to compress your hours to work say, full time in 4 days? Then you get more time to yourself and with her.

If you truly think that his parents will do all the childcare and he'll not even be there - talk to a solicitor about fighting it.

But some lazy men actually do more parenting when they have to, and you need to be objective about whether this could be good for your daughter.

I feel for you - I wish I had my girl 24/7! But objectively, her close relationship with her father (even though it's her SM doing everything!) is wonderful for her.

So I'd also start think about how you could make it work for you.

GlitterSparkles17 · 04/01/2018 16:23

Just say no. What’s he going to do? Take you to court? No how will he afford it? He can’t!

50/50 is going to be extremely stressful and confusing for a child so young, if she was older and he had his own place and you knew he was asking for 50/50 for reasons other than he can claim tax credits then I could understand but he’s literally doing it for money, it’s disgusting.

Also only the resident parent can claim tax credits, so if you already have a claim with them they would then investigate to decide who should get the benefits. He sounds like he’s from another planet.

MrsRolandRat · 04/01/2018 17:06

Why shouldn't he have her 50/50 he's just as much a parent as you are. Just because he's the father doesn't make him less of an equal.

I do 50/50 it works great!

It's what is best for the child/children at the end of the day not what suits the parents. This is how any parenting agreement should be conducted. Putting their needs before your own I'm afraid.

Offred · 04/01/2018 17:28

Did he do 50/50 when you were together?

I think it is true that children need to be flexible to cope with 50/50, it’s very complicated to try and understand whether it is ‘best’ though. Children who are inflexible will never cope well with 50/50.

Also, if it represents a big change in the amount of input he has had this is another factor that makes it harder for her. So if you left him because of his lack of interest in her and now he is expecting to switch to 50/50 will mean her getting used to him being in a parenting role as well. Another factor that makes 50/50 hard for children is if the change between houses is great. Switching from having your own room to sleeping in a parent’s bed, from being an only child at one house to having 3 other children in the other house or parents who have very different routines/parenting styles are all things that make 50/50 more difficult.

It might give you a better work/life balance but that’s not really a consideration when trying to determine what is best for DD.

I think the biggest thing is that he doesn’t have a proper place for her to stay overnight. I would have said no overnights at all until she had her own room/bed TBH. 50/50 when he is essentially staying at his parents and there isn’t enough space is ridiculous. He needs to get himself sorted in a proper home before he can raise 50/50, not be living like a teenager at his parents’ house.

Original poster
Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 17:48

Thanks everyone. He didn’t share the care when we were together, I did everything. I work as a childminder and she is included in my numbers, even when I finished work he would never bath her for me.
I think his parents do a lot for her when he has her.
He’s now saying he’s got a chance to lodge in a female friends house who has a 4 year old which I also feel very uneasy about...

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/01/2018 17:52

I think I've read on MN that experts think 50/50 is not great for the child.

No not necessarily true.

It was brilliant for my DSC until their DM decided it didn't fit with her sex life

Cbaanymore123 · 04/01/2018 17:53

Surely if his 50/50 he won't have to pay you anything ?

Thingsdogetbetter · 04/01/2018 17:54

If he moves, will there be a room for your daughter? If not then 50\50 is not realistic. No judge would go for that.

If he is just thinking that he'll save money, then remind him that he has to pay for everything when she is with him. Clothes food etc. And obviously you won't be taking care of her during his days!

GottadoitGottadoit · 04/01/2018 17:56

My 9yo has spent 5 years "shuttling between homes". She's very settled and happy

I could have written this word for word.

Original poster
Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 17:57

See this is the thing, his mum has stage 4 lung cancer and he says he’s also going part time to care for her but when things get really bad he won’t be looking after DD so it will be down to me.

OP posts:
Bezm · 04/01/2018 17:59

My child, who's now 33, would completely disagree with those who say shared care is not good. From the age of 5, she alternated weekly between myself and her father. It broke my heart at first, but I knew what would be more damaging would be to stop her seeing her father as a parent, by him only having some sporadic access to spend a couple of hours in McDonald's.
It's almost impossible to be objective about this very emotive issue. However, children deserve both parents where possible. My job as a mum was to ensure the relationship with her dad was as positive as it could be.
Why should you not have shared access? Why wouldn't it work? Why shouldn't her grandparents help to look after her? Don't use the child as a weapon!

RandomMess · 04/01/2018 18:01

Another approach is to say, well let's start with 2 nights per week. Sat 9am until Sunday 11am and a Wednesday 9am until Thursday tea time. That means I can start my social life again etc.

Bet he won't be so keen when you start dictating that it means he needs to do lots of actual care and no Late night Fri as up early and no Sat night out...

Bezm · 04/01/2018 18:02

Also, in reply to your comment about his mum having cancer, that's a really cheap shot!
If she does, and he has to look after her at the end of her life, then of course you should support this, after all its your child's grandparent, not some random stranger!

Offred · 04/01/2018 18:10

Any arrangement works if the best interests of the child are forefront.

What the OP is describing is a man who didn’t care for his child before they split and who is very clearly not putting the child’s best interests first but thinking about himself. I’m unsure why he would not be able to manage contact with his DD when his mum is dying. I could understand him asking OP to help him out at times, but blankety stating that he won’t be looking after dd at all?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/01/2018 18:10

Bringing his DM cancer into this is about as low as you can get.

DH ex tried that with the courts about me. It didn't end well for her.

ChaosNeverRains · 04/01/2018 18:14

Shared care is becoming far more the norm now than it used to be.

Whatever you decide it needs to be in the best interests of the child however difficult that is, and the reality is that your DD has two parents and not only one of you gets to decide how it will be.

We started out with a shared care arrangement when we split six years ago, that arrangement broke down for different reasons because of the relationship between DC and eXH’s new partner, however a shared care arrangement made things far more flexible in terms of being able to swap nights etc if need be as DC felt that both houses were their home.

If work arrangements etc mean that shared care isn’t possible then of course it makes complete sense for the DC to spend the majority of their time with one parent, however the less they see the other parent the harder it is to maintain an equal relationship, especially once new partners and potential other children (both step and biological) enter into the equation. Then children and sometimes incoming partners can feel that there is strain on the relationships because they are both only part time fixtures in each other’s lives iyswim.

There is no absolute right or wrong way but whatever happens it should always be with the child at the forefront.

You should seek legal advice because if he does decide to go to court then you will need to be prepared for the fact that a judge won’t accept being told that you’ve decided not to allow it for your own reasons. And as much as people say he won’t go to court, you have no absolute way of knowing that, so fore-armed is best.