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Original poster

Ex saying he wants DD half the week

75 replies

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 12:44

Hi I posted a few weeks ago about taking my ex back. I have told him I’m not taking him back.
He is now saying he wants our 3 yr old half the week ans isn’t going to work part time (2 days a week) so it will mean he pays me less. I questioned how he could afford to do that. He lives with his parents and I said I would only consider it if he has his own place as she has no routine when she’s with him and I end up picking up the pieces when she comes home. He said his parents will help him out and he’ll be able to claim working tax credit!

I’m a bit pissed off he’s considering going part time when I work my arse off to provide for my kids burn ifs just shown me he hasn’t really changed and will just bum around if he does this.

Where do I stand if anywhere?

OP posts:

DontDIY · 04/01/2018 18:18

Okay, yes, he needs to sort suitable accommodation for them both, but that aside, I don’t really think he should be denied the chance to prove himself.

And if my ex’s DM had stage 4 cancer and eventually needed him looking after her, then damn right I’d pick up the slack without grudging it and vice versa.

Mumof56 · 04/01/2018 18:24

He’s now saying he’s got a chance to lodge in a female friends house who has a 4 year old which I also feel very uneasy about

Why?

Original poster

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 18:29

What I was saying about when his mum gets very ill is that he will need to spend more time with his mum and then she will be back living with me and it probably wouldn’t be in DD best interests for her to be around there too much in the final stages, I don’t know...
but regardless of his mum being ill I can see he will try and change days times etc and not tick to the plan.
I don’t think it is low of me to mention she has cancer but he’s saying he’s giving up full time work cos why should he work when he’s been paying his taxes for years and now it’s his time to claim something back and relax a bit

OP posts:

Mumof56 · 04/01/2018 18:32

And why are you uneasy about him moving in to another place?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/01/2018 18:33

but he’s saying he’s giving up full time work

Do you work full time?

Offred · 04/01/2018 18:53

It’s not about ‘grudging’ him caring for his mum.

It’s about how it shows he’s not serious about 50/50.

I’m sure OP would be willing to help him out on the days he is with his daughter during his mum’s illness and death. He is saying that she will just go back and live with OP.

Original poster

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 18:53

Yes I work full time

OP posts:

Offred · 04/01/2018 18:55

I’d be uneasy at an ex moving into shared accommodation when they had shown that they weren’t properly considering DD’s living conditions already.

She sleeps in his bed and he is suggesting that she does that 50% of the time, that’s not good enough. How can the OP trust him to make sure the new place is adequate for dd?

WitchesHatRim · 04/01/2018 18:56

And why are you uneasy about him moving in to another place?

Good point.

Original poster

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 18:56

ANd yes of course I would do whatever to help him out, after all she is still my mother in law and it’s been a very difficult past year for us so yes I would help him out

Re him moving in with another woman and her child just doesn’t sit right with me when my DD still won’t have her own bedroom

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/01/2018 18:56

She sleeps in his bed and he is suggesting that she does that 50% of the time, that’s not good enough.

Best tell those that co sleep then.

Offred · 04/01/2018 18:58

He’s not cosleeping by choice and for DD’s benefit. He’s cosleeping because his housing situation is temporary and inadequate for his needs.

Original poster

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 19:00

SOrry piglet I can’t work out if your being sarcastic or not? Yes she sleeps with him when she’s with him which then caused me problems because she wouldn’t sleep in her cot at home so ended up sleeping with me for 5 months and now I’ve finally got her into her own bed in my room. She wanted to sleep in her bed at daddy’s the other week but it was blown up so he didn’t let her...
co sleeping is not for me but I’m not getting into a discussion about that

OP posts:

Offred · 04/01/2018 19:00

XH used to have my twins in his bed every time they stayed over (40% of the time), they didn’t sleep and were tired, falling asleep at school and tearful coming home to me so he stopped and sent them back to their beds.

DontDIY · 04/01/2018 19:00

How does it show that he isn’t serious about 50/50? He also has a dad, so he needn’t be doing the caring for his mum 24/7. He may have to reduce time with DD for a while, but don’t we all when we have a dying relative?

And I didn’t read it as him actually saying the DD will go back and live with her, just that OP believes that’s what will happen.

Original poster

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 19:01

THANk you offred

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 04/01/2018 19:03

I wouldn't be happy about the female friend's house. It sounds like he hasn't really thought it through...creating a lack of stability fir her.

One minute his parents .. then a friend... what next?

Seems he sees an opportunity to reduce his hours and claim benefits via DD.

She needs her own bed or it will never seen like home to her...sleeping with her dad. How long will he carry on doing that?

When he can get her a bed...and her own space...then 50/50 sounds good. Not when she's like a visitor...bunking in with daddy.

Offred · 04/01/2018 19:04

That’s what the op says he has said.

he will need to spend more time with his mum and then she will be back living with me and it probably wouldn’t be in DD best interests for her to be around there too much in the final stages

He will still see her but she’ll go back living with the OP so why decide to start 50/50 now, in his parents’ house, when his mother is so ill and they are all living on top of each other?

This wouldn’t be an issue if he had adequate housing of his own.

Original poster

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 19:06

Yes exactly. Why decide now when his mum is ill and he doesn’t need have a house and can’t afford to rent anywhere unless he lives with this female friend and rents a room because he wants to go part time

OP posts:

Parker231 · 04/01/2018 19:12

My friends have shared care for their DC’s. Both work full time and the DC’s alternate weekly between mum and dad. Both wanted 50/50. Seems to have worked out well.

ChaosNeverRains · 04/01/2018 19:18

The thing is though that this is a short term issue at the moment. The dd is only three right now and the DM is terminally ill now but they have to co parent this child for the next fifteen years.

Ultimately the OP isn’t going to be able to say that he can’t have her for any overnights because that wouldn’t be in the child’s interests either, so it would be far preferable to sit down and have a discussion about what works for all of them realistically at the moment as things currently stand, and then revisit once A, the ex’s situation with his parents is less stressful and B, he has a permanent living arrangement.

But even on here people are saying that the norm is every other weekend and one night during the week. That’s still only one night short of what he’s proposing so the issue here is in fact only one of money which, if he is planning to reduce his hours anyway, is going to be separate from access.

Offred · 04/01/2018 19:28

The op certainly could say that it isn’t in DD’s interests to be staying overnight in his current situation. She hasn’t said that though, I said I wouldn’t send my DC to their dad’s overnight if they didn’t have beds there.

Original poster

Npgd81 · 04/01/2018 19:38

Well no I don’t think it is in my daughters best interests to be staying at his friends sharing a bed for half the week...

OP posts:

Offred · 04/01/2018 19:38

Mediation might help TBH.

Offred · 04/01/2018 19:40

I wouldn’t be ok with my dc doing any overnights in his circs is what I meant. There is no my dc would be doing 50% of nights in his circs.

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