Ex saying he wants DD half the week

[Npgd81]

Hi I posted a few weeks ago about taking my ex back. I have told him I’m not taking him back.
He is now saying he wants our 3 yr old half the week ans isn’t going to work part time (2 days a week) so it will mean he pays me less. I questioned how he could afford to do that. He lives with his parents and I said I would only consider it if he has his own place as she has no routine when she’s with him and I end up picking up the pieces when she comes home. He said his parents will help him out and he’ll be able to claim working tax credit!

I’m a bit pissed off he’s considering going part time when I work my arse off to provide for my kids burn ifs just shown me he hasn’t really changed and will just bum around if he does this.

Where do I stand if anywhere?

Well no I don’t think it is in my daughters best interests to be staying at his friends sharing a bed for half the week...

Have you said to him that you don’t think 50/50 is in her interests until he can provide appropriate accommodation with her own bed, clothes, toys etc?

Ok, I haven’t read the complete thread. Notwithstanding the OPs particular case, those contributors who simply feel the mother can say no are kidding themselves. Those times are over. Welcome to gender equality ladies! The father is entitled (legally) to claim shared parental care and can claim primary care if he so chooses. The courts decide on the merits of the claim should it get to that point.

Welcome to the 21st century ladies.

I have a law degree and that isn’t the case at all.

It’s nothing to do with ‘the mother’. It is to do with one parent requesting to change the circumstances of the child’s care.

Despite the shared care law the welfare principle is still paramount.

In cases which are not being litigated either parent can ‘say’ whatever they want to, reasonable or unreasonable. I think it is highly unlikely that a court would order shared care (or even regular overnights TBF) given this represents a change to the child’s current circumstances and given the welfare checklist.

There’s no issue with shared care in general or with men. It’s about the child’s care and I can’t see why a court would change an arrangement where the DD is being cared for primarily by one parent (and has been from birth), she has her own room and her own bed, to one where she stays in unsuitable accommodation 50% of the time.

The courts don’t like to make substantial changes to how the parents chose to arrange childcare when they were together because they recognise that this is disruptive for the DC.

If men want shared care when there is a split they need to do shared care when they are together.

My XH didn’t do shared care before we split TBH but I didn’t have significant concerns about his ability to provide the DC with stable and appropriate care so I agreed to the change in what we had always done.

I would have had concerns if he was living with his dying mum, had nowhere for the dc to sleep and no plans to make a home that was suitable.

I did shared care 50/50 my kids weren’t affected badly by it they knew they had two homes.

I think they weren’t affected at all. We made it work for the sake of the kids having an equal relationship with both of us. Which they are entitled to have.

Once they were 12/13the schedule was more flexible and the kids chose the house they wanted to be at around their own social schedules.

It’s not always a bad thing.

Following with interest...imo & experience, shared care generally ends up with the absolute bulk of care/admin etc falling to the primary carer.
Other parent doesn't do anywhere near the same amount of 'work' but has the benefit of time with them.

I know it's probably as it should be, but it's galling. (My issue, I know)

Offred. Are you a family lawyer? Your advice is not quite accurate.

My XH does genuinely share the care TBF to him.

IMO the children’s anxiety is greater and has remained greater than when they were in one place the majority of the time (XH still visited everyday).

A lot of that is to do with our very different parenting styles though - XH is a lot further towards the authoritarian end of things, he rarely talks to them about their feelings (he will ask and comfort but he doesn’t talk things out), he doesn’t really explain things and has a lot of rules and he loses his temper quite a bit.

Offered. Do you have a law degree or are you a family lawyer?

No, I just did a law degree.

I’m not expecting it to be perfectly accurate.

The point was more that it simply isn’t true that the OP has no right to say she doesn’t feel a change to shared care is in DD’s interest.

(As I said BTW in my reply).

Ah. I’d advise not giving advice then!! 😃

It’s MN, if you disagree with my partially educated opinion just say....

🤷🏻‍♀️

So what's your advice, cod ?

I think OP is lucky to have Offred on the thread, as lots of people seem to be pushing OP to agree to 50:50 even though it's clear her ex has no intention of abiding by a 50:50 shared care arrangement and also does not have his dd's best interests at heart.

Ex is already using his mum's terminal illness as the reason why dd will have to live with OP, but still officially 50:50, so he doesn't have to pay maintenance and can also claim working tax credit.

Bear in mind this is anman who did fuck for all for his dd when they were together.

Ex is already using his mum's terminal illness as the reason why dd will have to live with OP,

No he hasn't. It's what OP has assumed will happen he hasn't said it.

What I was saying about when his mum gets very ill is that he will need to spend more time with his mum and then she will be back living with me and it probably wouldn’t be in DD best interests for her to be around there too much in the final stages, I don’t know...

You need mediation.

OP doesn't say she has assumed this so I thought ex has said something to her.

Hopefully OP can clarify.

And just to add I am in no way opposed to shared care. My XH even has his step kids 40% of the time (-one night every other week when they see their biological dad). IME it has given my kids an opportunity to have, as Ellisandra said, ‘daily life’ with their dad.

My XH loves them and despite initially saying territorial things about ‘my kids’ he has stepped up to putting a lot more into the relationship with them than he ever did when we were together and he was hiding behind work. He’s fitted his life around the kids much more and he has made concessions and sacrifices to do so.

It’s improved their relationship with him and it has improved him as a father IMO.

If I was the OP then I wouldn’t be opposed to shared care in principle either, just not in his current circumstances. Not until she has a bed of her own is a pretty minimal response to his request TBH.

If men want shared care when there is a split they need to do shared care when they are together.

Really? This is fact?

Not a fact no, but it is the best way to make sure you stand a good chance of getting shared care after a split. It’s a bit dubious to not bother and leave it to the mother while you are together and then demand the child spends half the time with you when you split.

If someone is prepared to put that level of effort into their child why wouldn’t they have done it from the start (like many men I know TBH).

offred most of your posts sound quite reasonable tbh. However, starting a rebuttal with stating you’re a lawyer followed by unambiguous statements can certainly be misconstrued.

I, on the other hand, am certainly not a lawyer! I think I might have met one once:) I just shoot from the hip....and lip:)

Getting back to he OP. Exh certainly doesn’t sound like he has his shit in one pile and a shared arrangement may not be best for the kid.

But in principle I think both parents should be fully involved in the child’s upbringing including shared arrangements as best suits all parties. Gender should not play a role in this.

www.emsleys.co.uk/blog/what-does-shared-care-actually-mean

The Children and Families Act came into effect in 2014. It emphasizes that both parents of children have equal status as parents following the breakdown of their relationship with one another. The Act was felt by some likely to lead to an increase in Court proceedings started mainly by dads not living with their children as much as they would like, aiming to ask the Court for guidance as to what shared care actually means.

She didn’t say she was a lawyer

I stand corrected. Remove lawyer. Insert law degree. Of course the problem with stating the Law degree angle is the assumption of expertise. If this is not the case, then one can blandly state they are dentists or accountants. It holds no relivence.

I on the other hand hold neither a law degree or have ever been admitted to the bar. I’ve been in a few pubs though :)

Btw, DIY is not a bad thing. Even with limited expertise.

But gender does play a role in it. Gender plays a role in it because still in 2017 women end up doing the vast majority of the childcare and the shitwork in relationships and after they break down. Whether they like it or not.

Both parents have had equal status in law (responsibility to the child) for an age. A change from the past where children and wives were considered property of the man.

Men have been able to assert that it is in the best interests of their child to have shared care for a looooong time.

The children and families act provisions relating to shared care were a rather pointless and potentially harmful piece of legislation IMO.

It diverts attention away from the child’s best interests onto parent’s rights, it leads to less attention being on the effects of DV on children, it influences families who may never end up in court by leading them to believe that shared care is the same as ‘best interests’ and in reality it has not made any tangible difference to the law.

It was made in response to the perception that the family courts were sexist. IMO opinion it is our culture regarding who should care for the children that is what is sexist, the family courts are simply operating in that environment.

Yes, a child benefits from loving fully involved engagement from both parents but it is the quality of the care that the parent gives that determines the benefit, not an arbitrary splitting out of time. Shared care with a parent (male or female) who doesn’t provide for the child’s needs is damaging and it would be better that that parent had less time but better time contributing to their child’s upbringing.

This is how it is with my eldest two’s dad. He does one night every other week. This is how long he can manage to be a good parent for. It is an improvement on how he has been for years, he is able to sustain it, he is able to make that time good time and I actually respect him for setting the limit in this way because it shows he is thinking about what’s best for DC. I still feel sad for my DC that he isn’t able to manage more, that they had so many years of being let down etc but he is being sensible about it and putting them first.

And surely it’s an assumption the level of understanding that a law degree confers...

I’m not sure why anyone would read ‘law degree’ and think ‘ultimate authority on family court’.

A degree is only part of the way towards qualification as a lawyer.