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Original poster

DD’s Dad moving to Australia

66 replies

Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 19:15

Me and DD’s Dad are separated, he currently lives reasonably near by and sees her two nights a week at my house and she stays at his one weekend day/night a week. He’s said that he’s planning to move to Australia (we are in the uk) possibly for just a year initially, but perhaps indefinitely. He wants to know what I think about it and claims he still wants to be as much a part of DD’s life as possible, but doesn’t seem to be very realistic in what that will actually mean.

I feel absolutely devastated for my DD. She’s only 15 months and I really don’t think he can have a meaningful relationship with her at this age from FaceTime and once yearly (if that) visits . Although if anyone has experienced differently, I’d be happy to hear about it!

And all he’s done since we split is bleat on about how much he misses her. Before Christmas he said he wanted to talk about having her more overnights in the new year. That was all obviously bullshit!

A part of me thinks it will be easier if he just fucks off and leaves us both alone. She has me and my family and I’ll ensure she maintains a relationship with his. Then when she’s old enough to seek him out he can explain how and why he could so easily leave her. The more sensible part of me knows, I’ll do whatever I can to ensure she keeps some kind of relationship with him. Obviously if he even bothers about her once he’s over there.

I’m not sure what advice I’m actually looking for as yet. I think I just want to rant about how much of a dickhead my ex is really.

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 03/01/2018 19:17

Your reaction is completely understandable op she's such a young age when he's planning to go :(
What's he said about the practicalities money for dd, visits etc does he expect you take her to see him or he'd visit annually etc
Are his family nearby would they still want contact with dd?

Original poster
Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 19:18

And probably really selfishly, I’m thinking him going puts it’s all on me! When she’s with her dad, I can be off duty it’s not quite the same when’s she’s with a babysitter. He’s the one person who’s supposed to love her as much as me and he obviously doesn’t!

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travailtotravel · 03/01/2018 19:21

So, he's factoring in still paying maintenance ( at a higher rate since you'll have her all the time ...) And at least an annual plane ticket home to see her. Until she's old enough he shoukd really pay for you too if he wants her to go out there. I'd say under 12 is too young to fly tgat far alone though I know kids who did it.

rainbowduck · 03/01/2018 19:21

Why is he moving away?

The scenario of international families isn't too uncommon, I have quite a few friends who are in this situation, given today's global work force.

However, it still sucks.

Have you got other support in RL?

Original poster
Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 19:27

He hasn’t said when, but gave the impression as soon as he could. We’ve been there for Christmas, already booked before we split. I have family there, but he stayed with friends who he knew through Work so do the same job and there’s apparently a lot of Work and it’s his ideal lifestyle.

He said he’d either come home to visit or he’d pay for me and her to go there and I can stay with my family there.

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Original poster
Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 19:32

Yes his family are near and I take DD to see his mum, more than he does anyway. And I do have good support. It’s just not the same as another parent and I worry about the damage it could do to DD, no matter how I try surly her dad being so willing to leave her, will effect her in some way.

OP posts:
SheGotOffThePlane · 03/01/2018 19:33

If he's only planning on going for a year initially (travelling visa?) he won't get one if he has any dependants.

DontDIY · 03/01/2018 19:33

I remember your other threads, OP. Quite the turnaround for him, is it not?

What is his reason for going? Has he had an amazing job offer or does he want a clean break after what has happened between you?

My ex moved abroad for 8 months when our DS was 16mo, story being he wanted to get over us, etc. He said I just had to pick up the phone at any time if it got too much and he’d be back. I was somehow okay with it at the time really, but looking back, I don’t know what the hell he was thinking and why I let him go so easily. Probably not least because he didn’t even go for an amazing job, but to work at a hotel looking after other people’s kids! The only time he came home was for a mates wedding.

Personally, I just can’t fathom why someone would want to do it, there’s no good enough reason, in my book.

He only went to a holiday resort in Spain. Not so much to stay there for really, and as I said the job wasn’t reason to stay. He did come back and he has a very good relationship worth DS, now 13.

But if I could go back, I’d tell him to grow the hell up and stay home. (He also has an older DC).

junebirthdaygirl · 03/01/2018 19:39

My ds has a dc. He is not together with her dm. He had always planned to go travelling and to live abroad but since they had his dc no way is he going anywhere. He would miss her too much. He doesn't want her to grow up without him. He knows he is responsible for her even though he is young.
Your dds df is being very unreasonable and totally out of order but unfortunately you cannot stop him. Its terrible and he will be the loser in the end. Maybe his family will talk him out of it. He is living in a fantasy world.

Need2morehands · 03/01/2018 19:42

Hi I was in a similar situation to you so can only say how things worked out for us. Long story short is he left, paid sporadically, Skyped sporadically visited once and has now not been seen or heard of in years. Me and my dd understands her old daddy lives there and that he loves her very much but that he just doesn't know how to be a daddy. She Is very happy balanced child and actually as hard as it's been at times it's actually worked out for the best in my view and experience just because someone makes a child doesn't mean they are going to be a great parent it's not for everyone and my child has certainly not lost out on anything.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 20:10

I’m really not sure SheGot he mentioned this to me when we were coming home on the plane. I honestly couldn’t face talking to him about it. Then he’s messaged to say he’d like us to talk more about it.

No amazing job offer than I know of. It’s something he’s always wanted to do and I think part of it is him moving on Dont. I also wonder if part of it is because I am.

That’s sad but also nice to hear Need2 and I’ll remember those words to use if DD’s Dad ends up no contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 20:17

That’s exactly my thinking june we’re young and I had different plans to the what I’m currently doing. But dd comes first.
I miss her the one night she’s with her dad no way I could be at the other side of the world from her.

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Amatree · 03/01/2018 20:19

I'd be horrified if I were you. There is no way that a parent can maintain any kind of actual relationship with their child from the other side of the world and however he might dress it up, he is abandoning his child and his responsibilities and leaving you to be a full time single parent with no respite. If he is prepared to do that IMO he doesn't deserve the opportunity to try to maintain any kind of piecemeal and confusing (for DD) relationship with him. What he is proposing is nothing short of planned abandonment of his child and he should be ashamed.

SheGotOffThePlane · 03/01/2018 20:34

Apologies @Emboo I meant a 417 working holiday visa which lets him work whilst he's there. I went over on this visa and it won't be granted if you have any dependants.
A 3 month holiday visa he could get easily, but it wouldn't allow him to work and he may have to prove he has sufficient funds to get him by for the 3 months.
It seems like it may be a pipe dream for him, so I wouldn't panic just yet.

Need2morehands · 03/01/2018 20:36

People asked me at the time can't you stop him or what are you going to do about it? And I said I helped find him a flight ( not quite ) but I was never going to try and talk him out of it. He was a grown man and knew the implications of his actions if he thought leaving was the best thing to do then why would I want him to stay? If that's his head worked then it was best for my dd to have him gone sooner rather then later.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 03/01/2018 20:37

My first thought (and it seems like you sound fairly familiar with the way they do things in Oz) is - how likely is it that he'll actually be able to get visa/job/housing out there??

He will still be responsible for child maintenance in Australia.

They don't just let anyone in. And if they do he's going to have to jump through A LOT of hoops. Especially as a pp said if he has dc in the UK.

My ex threatened this and I was in a spin for weeks for all the same reasons you are. He never had any hope of realising his dream - no qualifications, skills, education, savings (didn't I choose a corker!).

So he stayed put and actually as far as the kids are concerned they're no better off as he only sees them twice a year.

Need2morehands · 03/01/2018 20:42

If he does actually go to Australia the csa have no jurisdiction. You have to get something called a remo I think it's called if I remember and it's basically more hassle then it's worth and cost up to £5000 to get one in place. I never bothered I spent the money on awesome holidays just me and my lo.

Coyoacan · 03/01/2018 20:53

My father moved abroad when I was four and I saw him the next time when I was eleven. He wasn't a brilliant father anyway so I have no complaints.

babigailwabble · 03/01/2018 21:41

I remember your previous posts @Emboo19 and tbqh if it was me I'd be cheerily waving that idiot off. Your dd has a great mum and a stupid twat for a dad which is more than a lot people get by with.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 21:52

That’s kinda my thinking Need2 if he’s actually willing to go, then it will be something or someone one day. It’s probably for the best it’s while she’s still young.
I’m just sad for her that she’s not enough of a reason for him to stay. And for that I want to shake him and say how can you even think of leaving her! She’s amazing and perfect and she loves him.

I’m not really sure of the specific details Stronger my uncle has lived over there pretty much my whole life, but I don’t know the process myself.
But he has money saved and a skilled job, he owns a home here (mortgage) he has friends there although some I know only went on visiting visas and just never came home. Some have gone through the process correctly, so I’m guessing could give him advice.

He’s good with maintenance as it stands, but I know someone he worked with purposefully moved to Australia to avoid paying maintenance to his ex. He did think that was disgusting, but then he always said cheating was too......Hmm

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Original poster
Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 21:58

When he’s not being a stupid twat though babigail he’s actually a pretty good dad.

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babigailwabble · 03/01/2018 23:52

@Emboo19 good dads don't sod off to australia! they put their children first.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2018 02:24

I think you should tell him how you think this will affect his relationship with DD.

I'm sure seeing lifestyle over there seems a great opportunity compared to the UK....but his DD is here...

I also believe it's him moving on.

Feodora · 04/01/2018 02:45

I don't think it's possible to have a close relationship with a child who lives on the other side of the world. I think he is putting his needs above his child's here. I am very sorry.

It's not easy getting a working visa. He will need particular skills that garner points under the Australian system. It's possible to go online and see which jobs in each state will entitle a non Australian citizen to a working visa. Eg, secondary schooo teachers when I last looked could get a working visa in many states but a dentist could only get a working visa in one state.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 04/01/2018 03:59

I’m torn about about that Sandy I’m not sure if I should tell him what I think or like Need2 said he’s an adult and he’s making his choice he knows what he’s giving up.

I think it’s a needed job in the state he wants Feodora

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