Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DD’s Dad moving to Australia

66 replies

Emboo19 · 03/01/2018 19:15

Me and DD’s Dad are separated, he currently lives reasonably near by and sees her two nights a week at my house and she stays at his one weekend day/night a week. He’s said that he’s planning to move to Australia (we are in the uk) possibly for just a year initially, but perhaps indefinitely. He wants to know what I think about it and claims he still wants to be as much a part of DD’s life as possible, but doesn’t seem to be very realistic in what that will actually mean.

I feel absolutely devastated for my DD. She’s only 15 months and I really don’t think he can have a meaningful relationship with her at this age from FaceTime and once yearly (if that) visits . Although if anyone has experienced differently, I’d be happy to hear about it!

And all he’s done since we split is bleat on about how much he misses her. Before Christmas he said he wanted to talk about having her more overnights in the new year. That was all obviously bullshit!

A part of me thinks it will be easier if he just fucks off and leaves us both alone. She has me and my family and I’ll ensure she maintains a relationship with his. Then when she’s old enough to seek him out he can explain how and why he could so easily leave her. The more sensible part of me knows, I’ll do whatever I can to ensure she keeps some kind of relationship with him. Obviously if he even bothers about her once he’s over there.

I’m not sure what advice I’m actually looking for as yet. I think I just want to rant about how much of a dickhead my ex is really.

OP posts:

HuskyMcClusky · 04/01/2018 04:23

No decent father would move to the other side of the world when their child is just a baby. No way. I’m appalled.

rainbowduck · 04/01/2018 08:09

I wouldn't say no decent father would move away from his family.

I am an expat and know lots of families where the father commutes or are split due to work commitments. Obv it's not ideal but there can be benefits.

Not sure where you are and what his job/lifestyle prospects are but we could never have the lifestyle we have now, where we came from. There is nothing wrong with looking further afield in order to prosper. Talk to him about his reasons. Why Australia specifically? What is he hoping to achieve or get away from?

I remember from your previous posts that you have only recently split up. Is this a knee jerk reaction to his splitting up the family?

HuskyMcClusky · 04/01/2018 08:43

I am an expat and know lots of families where the father commutes or are split due to work commitments. Obv it's not ideal but there can be benefits.

Of course. But making a joint decision to live apart temporarily for the long-term benefit of the family unit is entirely different.

This is just a single bloke going to the opposite side of the world when he has a very young child to help bring up. I can see zero benefit to the child that outweighs that.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2018 08:45

I don't think there's any harm in telling him your view on it. As long as you are able to remain calm when you do so and emphasise that it's DD you're bearing in mind.

At this young age he needs to be physically present in her life....not moving so far away from his daughter.

VeganIan · 04/01/2018 09:06

So this is the guy who pretended he didn't really have a DD for bloody ages and didn't spend much time with her or anything. Then he had a brief moment of pulling his socks up and playing Dad of the Year. Then that wore off, he cheated on you and is now buggering off to Australia leaving you to pick up the pieces again - bloody good riddance I say. I wouldn't even bother discussing the whys and wherefores of it, just sort out a bullet proof way to get maintenance from him and wave him off.

LostMyMojoSomewhere · 04/01/2018 09:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

daydreamnation · 04/01/2018 09:16

Not at all comparable but my dcs Dad moved away nearly 10 years ago and during that time has seen them approx 6 times a year for normally a 3 night visit. He lives 300 miles away, so nothing like what you're faced with but the impact has been enormous.
Having nothing to do with their day to day lives is a massive thing for a child and now my dd is 16, she talks about it in some depth. She loves her Dad but describes him as not much of a father and is hurt that he chose to live away from her. She has very much replaced him with my dp and I can completely understand why.
I feel for you and your dd, I will never understand how any parent can willingly just move away from their child

Original poster

Emboo19 · 04/01/2018 09:22

I really don’t want to get into the why’s or how he’s feeling conversations. I don’t think that’s my role anymore.
I’m seeing I’m later as he’s coming to see DD, I think I’ll suggest we take her out to soft play or something, so we can talk in a public place and I can hopefully get a idea of exactly what he’s planning and when. And what he thinks is going to happen about contact and money.

Ironically, we got on so well when we were away and he’s been so good with DD. I was actually thinking about us getting back together. Really glad I didn’t mention that now!

OP posts:

PuffinBadger · 04/01/2018 09:22

I could never have moved to the other side of the world from mine. Could you call his bluff and say "Ok, so will you bring her over to see me once a year?" Obviously you wouldn't do that, but it might make him consider what he is doing a bit.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 04/01/2018 09:23

That’s what my mums saying Vegan!
I think I’m just stupid where he’s concerned.

OP posts:

VeganIan · 04/01/2018 10:13

I can hopefully get a idea of exactly what he’s planning and when. And what he thinks is going to happen about contact and money

Are you sure this is a conversation you need to have? I'd go grey rock and all "that's nice dear, here's her coat, there's the door, see you at 5" Why are you going to soft play for a chat? He's your ex, he's playing silly games again If he gets a visa, then see a solicitor. Until then, assume it's not happening. I've a feeling he's expecting you to beg him to stay, and/or that he doesn't actually have answers to any of the how/when questions you might have.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 04/01/2018 12:24

I think for me I do yes Vegan his plans also effect mine. I’m going away for a week in June and he’s supposed to be taking DD on holiday for that week.
I only want to get a idea if he’s serious and if he’s actually looked into it and how long it might take.

I guess I just need to know, that whatever I do or say about it now. Is something I’d feel happy to tell DD when/if she asks in the future. And that he won’t be able to turn it round and say he wanted to keep in touch or something and I wouldn’t support it.

I suggested us going out, so I won’t get personal or upset talking about it.

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 04/01/2018 12:28

I would probably ignore it for now.

I would be quite surprised if he got a visa, with a dependant in the UK!

As for your going away in June, my approach there would be that he won't be in a position to leave before then as he has a prior commitment. No, he can't decide to leave for Australia in May as he will be responsible for his child for a week in June. Unless he wants to fly back to do it. No discussion. It's a prior commitment and that's that. Like other people with commitments, he works around it. It isn't too difficult to say that he will be free to go from June.

But as I said, wait and see if he gets a visa first - it's really quite likely that he won't.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/01/2018 12:30

Oh and yes I would say that charm and pleasant personality aside, this guy at the core is a flake and is really quite likely to disappear eventually, Australia or not. You and your DD might actually have a better chance of moving forward without him to be honest.

babigailwabble · 04/01/2018 12:31

Is he just saying this to push you to ask him to come back 🤔

Which would be pathetic, obviously. Please don't take this sad act back! He's either manipulative and cowardly or a genuine airhead idiot.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/01/2018 12:52

Hello again my lovely 😊

I’m glad you had a nice time when you were away.

Don’t stop him going. I think it will be better for you if he’s not around, because you still have feelings for him and still wish you could be a family. Dating other people hasn’t changed that. You are very good at just getting on with things and ‘moving on’ outwardly, but being honest with yourself for a moment, you know what you’d really like.

As I said from your first ever post, I think that is what he wants too, but due to his past and his age/maturity he just can’t sort his shit out.

I think if he stays here you’ll just keep hurting each other, then one of you will do something to finally end it, but in a way that destroys any amicable situation.

DD will miss him initially, but she’ll soon get used to it and Daddy being on Skype/FaceTime instead. My goddaughter has a wonderful relationship with her niece via Skype and annual visits, her niece is 3.5 and it’s been this way since she was a little younger than your DD.

If he doesn’t go, he’ll resent you and DD and if it’s not this it’ll be something else. He hasn’t been committed to being a parent since you found out you were pregnant, keeping him here, when he wants to go, won’t help any of that.

Yes it’s crap because it’s not what you want for you or DD and literally leaves you holding the baby, but you simply cannot make him be the parent he should be.

You’re a great Mum, you’ll deal with this like you’ve dealt with the rest of his fuckwittery - with far more maturity & grace than many others twice your age. Your DD is a very lucky little girl x

nestletollhouse · 04/01/2018 13:04

What a lovely post @AnnieAnoniMouse

And your advice is spot on.

Teatreedelight · 04/01/2018 13:09

If he does go, better now than when she is older. Not much you can do really. A friend of mine decided to go and live in America and her dad stayed here. 18 years later then still have a good relationship.

wombat1a · 04/01/2018 14:13

I wonder if he is hoping you'll ask him to stay for both DD and yourself. It seems he has put in a lot of effort to try to get back with you but it hasn't gone anywhere so he might now be of the thinking that if seeing DD also means seeing you but not being with you he might actually be thinking is preferable to be on the other side of the world. If I would you I would be thinking along the lines of how likely are you to find someone better for both you and DD? yes he's made a bad bad mistake - while under peer pressure and he's v unlikely to make that mistake again.

VeganIan · 04/01/2018 16:56

yes he's made a bad bad mistake - while under peer pressure Sorry are you saying that he only cheated on her because his friends made him do it ??? Really?

Original poster

Emboo19 · 04/01/2018 17:17

Does it make it more difficult Fizzy and does it depend on the visa? I know of a few people who’ve gone and left ex’s and children behind, don’t know if it made things more difficult though.
He seems really quite serious about it. He’s looking into putting his house up for sale and he seems quite confident he’ll be ok to go and get Work there. He said he thinks realistically it will take about 6 months ish and nothing will change regarding maintenance. He’ll FaceTime regularly and he’ll come back at least once a year, he hopes I’ll consider taking her over once a year as well.

I asked if he’d miss her (because I couldn’t not!). He said of course he would but he misses her now anyway and he needs to give it a try and that he’s sorry.

I think you’re very right Annie! But god it’s so hard

OP posts:

DontDIY · 04/01/2018 17:21

*Needs to give it a try
*
He needs to grow up and put his kid first. That is his only need. Her needs trump any of his.

I don’t think I could ever forgive him if he did this.

Arlblaster · 04/01/2018 17:24

If he was a few hours' flight away, there's a chance he could maintain a relationship. From Australia? No chance. Even adults struggle maintaining family relations (e.g. with elderly parents) between Aus/NZ and the UK. The time difference is as much a problem as the distance, tbh. Sorry :(

Arlblaster · 04/01/2018 17:25

Sorry are you saying that he only cheated on her because his friends made him do it

Don't underestimate peer pressure when men cheat. It's not an excuse, but it's a reason why a lot of them do. I've seen enough of that first-hand...

bastardkitty · 04/01/2018 17:35

A part of me thinks it will be easier if he just fucks off and leaves us both alone.

I agree. If there's anything you can do to make it much easier to enforce maintenance, then do it. Otherwise I see no point discussing it with him at all. He's not a good dad. Would it make more sense to cut all contact with him now then your DD will forget him quickly? You have to think about what's best for her because he isn't going to. He will send tickets for you and DD to visit him < no way this will actually happen.

Flip

1 2 3