DD’s Dad moving to Australia

[Emboo19]

Me and DD’s Dad are separated, he currently lives reasonably near by and sees her two nights a week at my house and she stays at his one weekend day/night a week. He’s said that he’s planning to move to Australia (we are in the uk) possibly for just a year initially, but perhaps indefinitely. He wants to know what I think about it and claims he still wants to be as much a part of DD’s life as possible, but doesn’t seem to be very realistic in what that will actually mean.

I feel absolutely devastated for my DD. She’s only 15 months and I really don’t think he can have a meaningful relationship with her at this age from FaceTime and once yearly (if that) visits . Although if anyone has experienced differently, I’d be happy to hear about it!

And all he’s done since we split is bleat on about how much he misses her. Before Christmas he said he wanted to talk about having her more overnights in the new year. That was all obviously bullshit!

A part of me thinks it will be easier if he just fucks off and leaves us both alone. She has me and my family and I’ll ensure she maintains a relationship with his. Then when she’s old enough to seek him out he can explain how and why he could so easily leave her. The more sensible part of me knows, I’ll do whatever I can to ensure she keeps some kind of relationship with him. Obviously if he even bothers about her once he’s over there.

I’m not sure what advice I’m actually looking for as yet. I think I just want to rant about how much of a dickhead my ex is really.

Don’t go back to the loser whatever you do.

I would tell him going that far away would be detrimental to DD and his relationship with her, and would make him an even worse father than he already is. Shithead.

I’m hoping that’s not the case Arlblaster I have a good relationship with my uncle and he lives there and has since I was small. If he’s willing to keep up contact, I’ll support that. She won’t have a typical father/daughter relationship (if there’s such a thing) but I hope if he does go, they can at least maintain something of a relationship.

No I wouldn’t/couldn’t do that bastardkitty he’s not going to win Dad of the year, I know that. But I do believe he loves and cares about her.
For her sake, I’ll do my part to help them maintain a relationship regardless of where he’s living. If he lets her down, misses contact and doesn’t fulfil promises, then of course I’d stop it.
But while he’s willing, I am too!

I agree with bastardkitty - she's so little that she would actually forget about him - if she were older it would be much more difficult.

It's not about him. It's about what's best for your daughter and not knowingly setting her up for abandonment. You seem lovely OP, but I don't think you really have your eyes wide open to this man yet.

I appreciate what you’re saying bastardkitty and I won’t lie it’s tempting to be like that with him. He’s messing things up for me too, the only real time I get off from being “mum” is the one day and night he currently has her.
But I think so long as he’s consistent that even just a FaceTime/annual visits relationship, is better than no relationship with her father. I guess only time will tell in that department though!!

Now I’ve got the task of breaking things off with a really lovely guy I’ve been seeing. Hoping this start to January is not an indication of the year I’m going to be having. Kinda wishing I’d just stayed in Australia now!

nothing will change regarding maintenance

He'll need to up maintenance to reflect the fact you've got her all the time and he's not having her one day and night per week.

We have a private arrangement with maintenance GoodMorning and to be fair to him, he’s really good in that respect. When he has overtime he gives extra and he puts money away in a savings account for DD.
I’m really not concerned about money. I think he should pay of course, but if he doesn’t we’ll be absolutely fine.

And today when he brought DD home, he’s saying “he’ll stay if I’ll just give him another chance” and some over nonsense.
He’s just fucking with my head isn’t?

I’m going to ask my parents to to do handovers where possible now, and try take take a massive step back from him.

That sounds like a good plan Emboo . Yes it sounds like he is trying to mess with your head.

That's a very unfair way to put it to you.

On the visa front, people saying you won't get in if you have a dependant here: do people just lie and say they have no dependants? Are checks done?

Oh right!!!

So THAT'S what all this is about. Another attempt to manipulate.

What a horrid man - and quite a stupid one too:

'If you don't give me a second chance to prove to you what a great partner and dad I could be after shagging someone else and generally being quite poor at showing my commitment to my daughter, I'll move to the other side of the world and to all intents and purposes leave her without a father figure. Go on, can't you see I'm worth a second chance!?' Errr.....

Tell him that if anything a threat like that proves what a fucking awful dad he will actually be long term. So he doesn't actually see his future in Australia, he just wanted to threaten you with leaving his DD to try and guilt you into taking him back.

I am for you. And I really hope he does fuck off as it sounds to me like the sooner he moves on the better. I suspect your DD will one day have a better stepdad than this slimeball could ever be.

I did wonder if his Australia plans were to prompt a re-union. Oh dear.
Being charitable for a moment, it sounds as if he’s felt the same about your trip. You’ve got on well, great weather, time with your daughter as a family, away from the distractions of the guy you are seeing and he’s coming home wondering what he can do to convince you to come back to him. I don’t think he is being a master manipulator (although it is manipulative), more just immature and feeling desperate.
I think your approach is right, try and disengage a little to help you both move forward and leave the choices to him.
It sounds like you both still love each other but that doesn’t leave you under any obligation to take him back, he should have realised by now that in difficult and stressful situations you react with calm and rational decisions. We’re strangers on the internet and even we can see that.

That’s exactly it Fizzy! I actually can’t believe he’s that stupid that he thinks saying that would make me think to give him another chance.
I’m furious right now and I’m thinking all this time he’s probably only been playing ‘at good daddy’ to try win me back, then I get worried about what he’s actually like when I’m not around, is he still good Dad or is she just ignored when they’re home and there’s no one there to tell me how great he is with her.

He knows I really want to avoid us being at loggerheads. My best friend went through that with her seperated parents and she has so many issues from it. But he’s just using me wanting to get on to try get what he wants and in effect using our daughter.

I’ve blocked his number for tonight. He dropped DD off earlier than normal, because he’s going on a big night out. And I can’t handle the drunken calls later.

I was sure by now he’d have found someone else to fill his bed and wouldn’t be bothering me anymore.

I’ve been talking to my dad (who doesn’t hate him like my mum) and he says similar Redlipstick. I’ve probably not helped matters, we’ve been spending time together and chatting more recently. My dad thinks he hoped something would happen while we were away (we did have a small moment). When it didn’t, he’s thought thatmaking me think I’d lose him completely, might have made me want him back. Or something like that!

I’ve calmed down a bit now. Definitely need to put some space between us though, even if he doesn’t leave.