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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

desperate for 3rd child

54 replies

jellybeanJ · 02/01/2018 22:07

Hi all,

I am desperate for another but my husband is refusing. We have argued and argued. I have been to counselling to try and move on, but it has only helped a little. It has really soured our relationship. He feels guilty, and I feel resentful. Sometimes when we talk about it I feel there is a tiny glimmer of hope but most of the time it is a hard 'no'. I just don't know how to move on. It's ruining our marriage and I know I need to leave it, but I just can't.

OP posts:
cleomummy · 02/01/2018 22:17

How old are your other dcs?

Mumof56 · 02/01/2018 22:22

Just like he would have to respect your decision to have an abortion, you have to respect his not to want to create a child. It mustn't be much of a relationship though if you are prepared to split your living childrens family over your desire to have another baby.

Or you could just trick him and accidently get pregnant. I'm sure that will fix things.

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 22:24

Well, you could divorce and find someone to have a third child with. Alternatively give it time and this will pass. It took me 7 years and I will always regret not having a third but I am resigned to it and it is no longer so painful - an occasional ache rather than a sharp pakn.

MotherOfBeagles · 02/01/2018 22:24

Seriously mumof56? Wtf? What a horrible reply.

OP I understand where you're coming from but you know the reality you are in. Have you thought about going back and trying counselling again? I think you and your dh maybe should go together and get this finally put to rest. Is it a yes or a no and go from there.

I hope things work out somehow for you!

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 02/01/2018 22:34

Well mumof56, I am not prepared to split up the marriage - that’s just it. I know having a secure family for my 2 existing children is more important than my need for another. I just don’t know how to stop wanting it, or how to manage it. The counselling has resulted in me managing not to talk about it. I don’t bring it up, but sometimes we still argue as my husband says I look sad and that makes him feel guilty. I think about it constantly. He won’t come to counselling with me.

My children are 4 and 2. I have always wanted 3 and that’s how I pictured my family. I also definitely did not feel that my youngest was my last and so now constantly feel that I didn’t appreciate the bay years enough - now they are gone altogether. My oldest will go to school in September which is also something I am finding very hard. Will it get easier because I do not want to live like this until I hit menopause!

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 02/01/2018 22:37

Are you working?

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 02/01/2018 22:39

Yes part time

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybeanJ · 02/01/2018 22:41

Thank you barbarianmum. 7 years is a long time.

OP posts:
cleomummy · 02/01/2018 22:43

Do you think you’re husband would be more into the idea when your children are older? They are extremely hard work at that age with that age gap. I also have a 2 and 4 year old. I couldn’t comprehend having another right now.

Perhaps when things become easier and your youngest is at school your dh might be more into the idea? Perhaps you need to just wait.

My dsis just had #3 and her dh was very against it before but now her other dcs are at school and things are easier he was more into the idea.

thisgirlrides · 02/01/2018 22:43

Pretty much everything @BarbarianMum said.

Dc2 is 9 now and around 9/12 months after having him I started thinking about having a 3rd. Dh wasn't keen but I always assumed he was just a bit reluctant so soon, then he voiced financial concerns and again I didn't force the issue as I assumed he'd come round I could persuade him even though he was very clear he didn't want more.

However when ds2 was around 3/3.5 & I was knocking on 40 I started getting more persistent/panicky and it came to a head when dh pointed out that I either had to accept our (otherwise very happy) family of 4 or leave. There was no 3rd child happy family option that I dreamt of but thank god I woke up to the fact that I would lose my family if I didn't give it up. Yes I do still get the odd pang especially if I hear a pg announcement or see a family of 5 and do of course wish we'd had another but it doesn't keep me awake at night anymore and didn't break up our family. Don't let it ruin what you you've got op. big unmumsnetty hugs

LML83 · 02/01/2018 22:43

my youngest is 2, he is my last and I always knew that. This hasn't changed.

But I didn't savour that baby bit enough, I tried to but I think no matter how much you treasured it there is always a part that want a to see the small baby again.

Why does your husband not want a 3rd? try to look from his point of view. Start a hobby or do something with your children you wouldn't have time or money for with a 3rd and try to appreciate that?

It's hard Flowers

Silverthorn · 02/01/2018 22:47

I too want a third but dh is dead against. Perhaps you both need to have a heartfelt conversation about it and maybe therapy together?
I feel like there is someone missing from our family. Dh is focused on the practical problems a third would introduce. Flowers

BarbarianMum · 02/01/2018 22:50

7 years is a long time. But it wasn't soul- consuming obsession for the whole time, more a reoccurring theme. There were arguements/pleading/sulking/periods of resentment along the way but also plenty of good times. A majority of good times.

One thing I would suggest is that you pass all responsibility for contraception to him (I really resented having to prevent a baby I wanted) and being very clear that you would continue with any accidental pregnancy.

In the event we only had one scare and it made me realise how much I didn't want to be pregnant with a baby my dh didn't want.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 02/01/2018 22:51

Thank you all, so helpful and I know your right. I doubt he will change his mind later, I can’t see him wanting to go back to nappies! He always said his reasons were financial but I know that can’t really be the case. We are fine financially, have no debts and can afford a nice life. I actually think he just doesn’t want to have to deal with the chaos another would bring to our lives. I love the chaos!

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybeanJ · 02/01/2018 22:54

Yep contraception is his domain! No snip, no condoms, just very controlled at knowing when! He knows I want another l, so that’s all on him. It’s another thing that makes it confusing though because if he really didn’t want another, wouldn’t he be trying harder to prevent it?

OP posts:
Rainbowsandflowers78 · 02/01/2018 22:59

This isn’t ideal but needs must - is there anything you can trade with him for it? A move to a different place he wants to live in more, you supporting a hobby of his, you supporting a career move /retraining for him?
Also can you alleviate his fears - can you ‘fix’ some of the chaos like saying you would do the nights etc.
As a minimum I would wait until your 2 year old starts school

ALLIS0N · 02/01/2018 23:09

Everyone looks back wistfully at the baby stage and wishes that they had enjoyed it more.

But then if you did have another baby you would remember soon enough - it’s bloody hard tiring unrelenting work.

Feeling broody is just a phase and it will pass. I’m sorry to sound heartless but it’s the truth. Many if not most women go through this and we all survive .

For you, right now, it’s another child. For someone else it might be a dream job, a chance to travel, a bigger house , better health, sporting success or having a much loved relative still with them.

You, like the rest of us, need to learn to be happy with what you have and not spoil it wishing for things you can’t have .

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 02/01/2018 23:22

Yes you are right, it’s a dream and I need to accept it won’t happen.

OP posts:
LemonShark · 03/01/2018 08:10

Are you saying that you rely on the withdrawal method?

ShatnersWig · 03/01/2018 08:22

Man doesn't want baby but doesn't use condoms and hasn't had a vasectomy.

This is going to end well....

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 03/01/2018 08:22

Yes - he knows if there was an accident, we’d be keeping the baby. I’ve also suggested he gets the snip but have categorically said I won’t be going back on the pill.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybeanJ · 03/01/2018 08:23

He would use condoms if I asked him to of course.
Having said that, he is very good at his method of choice!

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 03/01/2018 08:25

Be prepared for him to leave if you get pregnant. Seen that happen on these threads many times.

ClaireDare26 · 03/01/2018 08:28

It's really difficult, My partner has only just given me the green light to extend our family and my son is five, I'm not sure what to do as I would love to have another one but don't want to shake up what we have. You are blessed with two beautiful children but I understand when the pull to have another one is there, there is nothing else you can think about. Xxxxx

DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 03/01/2018 08:29

I understand how you feel OP.

I have a 2.7 year old and a 15 month old and I've been wondering whether to try for a 'final' baby for months. I have just 17 months between my two but I'm also 44 so if we were to go for another it needs to be now and may not happen anyway. MY DH is also fiercely against the idea which I can understand because our two are so young and dependent it's hard to imagine throwing another in to the mix. But obviously for me it's a case of now or never.

How old are you? As other posters have said your two are still very little. I wonder if your DH would warm to the idea in a couple more years once you're past the nappy stage altogether and sleepless nights have become a distant memory.

What are his reasons for not wanting another? Does he see your family as being complete with two? A lot of people do. Is it for financial reasons? Practical reasons e.g. you would need an extra bedroom in time and possibly a bigger car?

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