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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

desperate for 3rd child

54 replies

jellybeanJ · 02/01/2018 22:07

Hi all,

I am desperate for another but my husband is refusing. We have argued and argued. I have been to counselling to try and move on, but it has only helped a little. It has really soured our relationship. He feels guilty, and I feel resentful. Sometimes when we talk about it I feel there is a tiny glimmer of hope but most of the time it is a hard 'no'. I just don't know how to move on. It's ruining our marriage and I know I need to leave it, but I just can't.

OP posts:
ClaireDare26 · 03/01/2018 08:30

It's very difficult to accept you will never get to carry a baby inside you again xxxxxx

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 03/01/2018 08:31

I’m sure it does, but I don’t think he’d leave. He’s a good person, adores his children and loves me. We have had some very difficult times and have always stuck together (since we were teenagers). I know it’s a possibility but I doubt it.

What would you do though? I want a baby, but should I make him use contraception? I feel like the current situation is making things worse as I am so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
jellybeanJ · 03/01/2018 08:34

I’m 35. He has said money and attention are his reasons. He was one of 5 and didn’t get the attention he felt he needed. He worries he wouldn’t be able to give 3 the right attention. He is such a good man, and a brilliant dad. I won’t split up the family over this but I find this desire almost debilitating at times. And I worry that I am not enjoying life with my children as much as I should because I want another. Which of course is stupid.

I just wish I knew how to let go.

OP posts:
WineGummyBear · 03/01/2018 08:34

I had this OP and it passed almost overnight when DC2 was 8 months. I just woke up one day realising that I agreed with all DHs points. That raising 2 children was the right amount of chaos. That I'd rather be able to provide for 2 well than struggle to provide for 3.

I still love the idea of a third. But I accept that it's the idea and not the reality.

I do look at mothers of 3 and want what they have but I know logically that the reality is not for us. The families I know who went for #3 are all either loaded or contain have one parent who is teacher/nursery manager. We don't fit either category.

Good luck OP.

WineGummyBear · 03/01/2018 08:36

Just to add. Once I accepted the logical case against a third. My own little family began to look perfect in my eyes. My heart followed my head.

user7654321 · 03/01/2018 08:40

OP, I think if you continue with his method of ‘contraception’ for years you will eventually get pregnant. My DH was an ‘expert’ at the withdrawal method for 8 years, then we ended up with a completely unplanned DS, with the only possible explanation being from pre-cum. We didn’t think it could happen but it does.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 03/01/2018 08:54

I can’t work out if that is a bad thing or a good thing! Heart vs head!

OP posts:
DIngdongmerryilyonhigh · 03/01/2018 09:09

His reasons are logical and he's drawing on his own experiences and obviously wants to be able to offer a childhood to his own children that is an improvement on his which is understandable.

I also feel I didn't cherish/enjoy those newborn days and early months enough but I think we forget how crazy those early months are and we look back on those days with rose tinted glasses. I'm yet to meet a woman who doesn't feel the same and wouldn't like to relive those early months and enjoy them more.

You are only 35, you have a few years left yet :) can you park the idea in the back of your mind for lets say a year, really enjoy the two you have and then revisit it in January 2019 (one year away) and see how you both feel?

LemonShark · 03/01/2018 09:20

You need to start using contraception! You can get pregnant from the withdrawal method even if he's good at it. An unplanned baby would cause massive pain and stress, resentment, and risk blowing your family apart. You don't want a baby with a man who doesn't want it, so look into which contraception method suits you asap. He's being wildly irresponsible to do this when he doesn't want another child and I know your instinct probably screams to keep doing it as there's a chance of a baby, but in the cold light of day you know that's not how you'd want any of this to happen.

Imagine getting pregnant and him telling you it's a termination or the relationship is over. Imagine having to make that choice when pregnant with a much wanted (for you) baby and weighing up the impact on your existing kids if you separate. This is a huge deal, you're risking creating a life here!

ClaireDare26 · 03/01/2018 09:22

I honestly don't know, I have been having anxiety dreams. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I don't believe he would leave you and if he does, then that says alot about him as he took the vows xxxxx

ClaireDare26 · 03/01/2018 09:24

Also, I was thinking of taking another year to think about it but I really want a decision. I feel like if it's not going to happen. I need to close the door on it xxxx

Emily6457 · 18/03/2022 14:13

Hi,
I know this is a very old post, but it’s my exact situation now.
Just wondering how you are doing?
And how you are coping?
Xx

Prettybubblesintheair · 18/03/2022 14:18

I wouldn’t worry op, you’re going to end to pregnant at some point. Withdrawal is NOT a contraceptive method, it’s playing chicken with sperm! I just hope when you do become pregnant he doesn’t try to bully you into an abortion or try to blame you because it will be all on him.

Prettybubblesintheair · 18/03/2022 14:18

Oh god sorry everyone didn’t realise this was a zombie thread!

pastaandpesto · 18/03/2022 14:45

He was one of 5 and didn’t get the attention he felt he needed. He worries he wouldn’t be able to give 3 the right attention.

I think you need to listen properly to what your DH is trying to tell you.

I have 3 DC, and absolutely thrived in the joyous chaos of the early years. I remember feeling a swell of pride and contentment whenever someone commented about being outnumbered, or having my hands full, because most of the time I thought it was absolutely bloody awesome. The three of them were a tight pack and did everything together. I never felt anyone was missing out on anything, and DC3 had simply made a great thing even better.

Fast forward and I have a teen and two tweens and they aren't a pack any more, they are three individual people, as they rightly should be. But it is hard - much, MUCH harder than having three under 5s. Older children's needs are much more complex than little ones, and both DH and I feel constantly that we are spread too thinly and it is only now that we really understand the impact of being outnumbered. I'm under no illusion that if we had have stuck at two we would be able to offer them much more of our time and attention, as individuals.

pastaandpesto · 18/03/2022 14:46

Urgh, zombie thread.

Tessie87 · 11/09/2022 11:33

@jellybeanJ sorry for resurrecting an old thread, but I just wondered if you would mind updating how you’re feeling now, several years on? I could’ve written this pretty much word for word myself and am feeling pretty lost at the moment

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 11/09/2022 13:02

I love life with my 2 children. Now they are older we have a whole new type of life, we can stay up late and aren’t ruled by naps and meal times! Holidays are so fun now and my husband and I aren’t constantly tired so we can just enjoy each other’s company. The children have an amazing bond with each other and I often think a third may have disrupted that. I was also diagnosed with cancer this year, which is early and treatable but it has made me realise how precious life is and how grateful I am to have my husband and 2 children and the life we have together. I don’t regret not having a third at all.

OP posts:
PeanutBellyJam · 11/09/2022 13:16

Thank you for the update…When do you think you got over the need for the 3rd? Do you think it could be a hormonal/biological thing. I find my self obsessively thinking about a 3rd…mine are 4&2 now so I wonder if it is a cycle thing because my marriage isn’t in a great place so I wouldn’t bring a 3rd child in but do keep going back to thinking about having a 3rd

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 11/09/2022 13:37

It faded gradually, I think. I think part of all of this was anxiety over my eldest starting school and the ‘baby phase’ being over. Once I saw how happy and settled she was, and how school brought new good things to our life, the desire for a 3rd just started to fade. Then of course covid and home schooling hit and quite honestly, 2 was plenty during that time!!! At some point, I just stopped thinking about it.

The cancer thing…no one ever thinks they will get ill. If there is ANYTHING positive to take from a very bad situation, it is is truly appreciate what you have. I really feel like I’ve only just properly realised that as of this year. All the little stuff I used to worry about doesn’t matter any more. And all I want is to stay here and be with my perfect little family (which hopefully I will!) x

OP posts:
Winceybincey · 11/09/2022 13:48

ALLIS0N · 02/01/2018 23:09

Everyone looks back wistfully at the baby stage and wishes that they had enjoyed it more.

But then if you did have another baby you would remember soon enough - it’s bloody hard tiring unrelenting work.

Feeling broody is just a phase and it will pass. I’m sorry to sound heartless but it’s the truth. Many if not most women go through this and we all survive .

For you, right now, it’s another child. For someone else it might be a dream job, a chance to travel, a bigger house , better health, sporting success or having a much loved relative still with them.

You, like the rest of us, need to learn to be happy with what you have and not spoil it wishing for things you can’t have .

I agree with this. There’s many things all of us would love to have but can’t have. It’s just life and we have to let it go and appreciate what we already have.

Op I definitely wouldn’t advise breaking up your family for this. There’s no promise that you’ll have a third with anyone else and it will hurt your children.

immerse yourself in your husband and children and the stages your children are at now. There’s so much joy to be had in a family of 4 and now they’re a little bit older you can do so much more stuff with them that would be difficult with a baby in tow

Thelnebriati · 11/09/2022 14:06

You, like the rest of us, need to learn to be happy with what you have and not spoil it wishing for things you can’t have.
This is such good advice.
IDK if this will help, but I tell myself that every woman feels the grief of knowing they have had their last child. Its ok to need to grieve about it. Its not ok to spend your existing children's childhood in grief for something that cannot happen.

Original poster
jellybeanJ · 11/09/2022 15:37

I’m well and truly over it! Was just replying to someone who asked how things had changed over the years

OP posts:
Iknowforsure1 · 11/09/2022 16:16

To be honest OP, I have a slightly smaller age gap and I must say life is so beautiful now when children both slowly approaching secondary school. I am slightly older than you but under 40 and craving another child. My husband would say yes, however I’m afraid to permanently damage my family dynamics, my already destroyed career and push us to the position of poverty (we are quite well at the moment). 2 children is enough. But I sympathise do much. I don’t know what to do myself, I just feel like I’m losing chances year after year… Your DH is right, children require a lot of attention and love during their school years. It’s not always fair to give them another sibling, however of course I know a lot of families with 3 children and they seem to be fine.

Iknowforsure1 · 11/09/2022 16:18

Oops sorry zombie thread