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Original poster

Friend's DH is rude

68 replies

wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 15:29

Happy new year all.
Here goes. I have a really great friend who I have a lot in common with - she really is lovely.

We have been close for a number of years. The problem is that I come across her DH at work and he is never nice to me (often blanks me) and sometimes is downright rude. I have tried speaking with my friend about this and she said that he is just different in work environments and struggles with how to behave. She then says she never wants to discuss this again and basically doesn't want to know anything about how he is at work.
So when he is rude to me - do I ignore? Others tend to slag him off behind his back but I am trying to keep my mouth shut out of respect for my friend. So is my only option to put up and shut up?

Any advice gratefully received!!

OP posts:

Tinselistacky · 02/01/2018 15:31

No reason you have to see him outside of working hours is there? Don't tar her with his ignorance brush.
She is prob cringing you have seen the real him.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/01/2018 15:36

Do you see him outside of work at all?
What is he like then towards you?
I don't think there is much your friend can do about how her DH behaves at work.

CheekyFuckersAreEntertaining · 02/01/2018 15:36

You don't need to mention anything to your friend. Pull HIM up on his attitude. That old MN classic "Did you mean to be so rude?!" Is a good start. When he ignores you (if you're speaking to him) ask him why he ignored you. HE's the issue, not your friend.

BenLui · 02/01/2018 15:38

This is nothing to do with your friend. Her husband’s behaviour at work isn’t her responsibility.

Deal with him how you’d deal with any rude colleague.

Original poster

wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 15:38

thanks Tinsel. Yes I think she is embarrassed and wants to keep her rose tinted glasses firmly on her face! I had taken the stance of being the bigger person recently and being very friendly to him. But then today after my Happy New Year to him he was so rude it has annoyed me.

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2018 15:39

Stop mentioning it to her, as she can't do anything about it. I woudn't bother making the effort with him at work, just basic civility if you need to work together occasionally. I wouldn't socialise with him either, if she asks why, you can legitmately say he's a rude oaf rude, but otherwise, I would leave it.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2018 15:39

Is he senior to you at work? Do you have to interact with him?

How would you react if he wasn't her husband and was rude? I suggest that's what you need to do.

Treat him as you would a rude colleague... give it back to him or put in a complaint.

Hissy · 02/01/2018 15:41

He is nothing to do with your friendship with her.

If he's rude to you, call him out. It doesn't matter if he is senior to you or not, nobody has the right to be rude to anyone.

SaturdaySauv · 02/01/2018 15:42

Could he possibly have a crush on you? This happened to me (still does to some extent) and I always wondered why. I was told by a mutual friend a few years ago that during a drunken conversation at a wedding the bloke in question had told her husband he had a 'thing' for me.

He's still rude but I don't let it bother me. Oddly I was asked to be Godmother to his first born

MaggieFS · 02/01/2018 15:42

If she's lovely and you want to stay friends then leave his work behaviour out of any chats.it puts her in an awkward spot and there can't be a good outcome of it becoming a discussion point.
As for him at work, be cordial or ignore. If it doesn't affect you, decide he's a twat and leave it be.

Original poster

wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 15:44

thanks all. I see him very rarely outside of work hours. If I do see him with my friend he is very nice to me - and everyone else (!)

When he is rude / blanks me (and others) it is usually in order to suck up to someone more senior than me (and him) and there are many people around - and it is very subtle (e.g. I ask him did you have a nice weekend and he spins around so his back is to me and speaks to someone more important - or worse, does this mid-conversation) .

OP posts:

Original poster

wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 15:48

Maggie I think you are right. He was very rude to a new and shy member of staff once and I so wish I had called him out on it!
He isn't more senior (as much as he would LOVE to be - we are at the same level).
Saturday - haha I doubt it! My friend is a stunner (and I'm not)plus they are newlyweds. And he is like this with a lot of people (except more senior staff at work - whom have told me they see through his behaviour).

OP posts:

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 15:54

OP, just ignore him. Why are you letting him treat you like a doormat?

It's not rude to ignore someone who blanks you. Get a backbone.

Couchpotato3 · 02/01/2018 15:58

Just think how you would react if someone else did this to you at work and react accordingly. Forget the fact that he is your friend's DH. Leave her out of it, ignore the behaviour as much as you are able, don't attempt to interact with him other than for strictly work-related conversations and leave it there. Don't embarrass or upset your friend by mentioning it again, but enjoy your friendship with her and leave her DH out of it.

Original poster

wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 15:58

Cant I am trying to be tactful rather than allowing things to escalate.
My main priority here is to preserve my friendship with his DW. I never want her to be in the position of having to take sides (and rightly she would take his). That's why I have been trying to be nice to him and I thought it was working - but it isn't now!

I guess I was hopeful things would get better but my olive branch hasn't worked.

OP posts:

Original poster

wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 16:01

Couch thanks. I have had people snap at me at work and I have let them calm down then had a quiet word with them where they have apologised. I suggested to my friend when we talked it through (the one time we did) and she said she never wants me to tell him he is rude as he would be devastated! so that is out!

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/01/2018 16:03

she said she never wants me to tell him he is rude as he would be devastated!

OK for him to be a rude prick tho?

Is he abusive to her? sounds like she's trying to minimise fall out

TrojansAreSmegheads · 02/01/2018 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 16:06

OP, if you mirror his behaviour and ignore him, and his wife gets upset at you, then she is no kind of friend.

You would be worth 10 of her.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 02/01/2018 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 16:09

OK for him to be a rude prick tho?

yes, it seems so. that is my upset I suppose.

I have spoken to my boss who understands it and like I said the senior managers do see him for what he is. If it weren't my friends DH it would be water off a ducks back so I don't feel the need or inclination to speak to HR or anything.

OP, if you mirror his behaviour and ignore him, and his wife gets upset at you, then she is no kind of friend.

I guess I don't want to test this out. I would hate to put us both through this.

I will be civil and polite. I will always be too busy to speak to him and never be friendly. I bet he wont even notice!

OP posts:

RatherBeRiding · 02/01/2018 16:09

If someone complained to me about my partner's behaviour towards them at work I would ask "what do you expect me to do about it?"

It's not your friend's problem. If someone is blatantly rude to you at work then call them on it - don't be a doormat just because your friend is "lovely". Her DH isn't, and it's him you work with not her. Keep the two issues completely separate and deal with him the same way you'd deal with anyone being rude to you at work.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2018 16:10

Just deal with him as you would any other colleague. Your friend is not responsible for what he does at work and she is not his keeper, anyway.

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2018 16:10

There is no point in keeping telling her. She knows she gets it. She's not going to take your side over his, she's made that clear and she's not going to talk to him about it.

So her husbands an arse licking wanker at work. You just need to put up and shut up to her about it.

Sparkletastic · 02/01/2018 16:10

Although you say your friend is lovely it must be hard not to question her judgement given who she has married. I would completely ignore him whenever possible.

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