Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend's DH is rude

68 replies

wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 15:29

Happy new year all.
Here goes. I have a really great friend who I have a lot in common with - she really is lovely.

We have been close for a number of years. The problem is that I come across her DH at work and he is never nice to me (often blanks me) and sometimes is downright rude. I have tried speaking with my friend about this and she said that he is just different in work environments and struggles with how to behave. She then says she never wants to discuss this again and basically doesn't want to know anything about how he is at work.
So when he is rude to me - do I ignore? Others tend to slag him off behind his back but I am trying to keep my mouth shut out of respect for my friend. So is my only option to put up and shut up?

Any advice gratefully received!!

OP posts:
Original poster
wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 16:10

I would be shocked to the core if there was any type of abuse. My friend is very independent.

OP posts:
MeganBacon · 02/01/2018 16:10

Treat them as two separate entities.
Mirror his behaviour with him at work.
Be her mate.
This only gets complicated if you see them both together, but go with the flow.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 16:12

I will always be too busy to speak to him and never be friendly.

Good strategy.

Original poster
wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 16:12

Sparkle yes this!! She is lovely and I can see she is so very happy with him. I think he must have two sides to him, nobody gets what she sees in him.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 02/01/2018 16:13

It sounds like he is rude when you are being friendly with him at work. Perhaps pretend you don’t know him outside of work so don’t do the friendly stuff, just be professional. Some people do wear different hats for home and work. Not that that is an excuse for him being rude, but in both examples you gave they aren’t really workplace conversations.

Original poster
wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 16:17

Bluntness - loving your username!

So her husbands an arse licking wanker at work. You just need to put up and shut up to her about it.

yep that sums it up.

To be clear I have never complained to her about him, nor do I expect her to tell him off. He started at my company recently and she asked me how he was getting on. I told her straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 16:18

shadow - good plan!

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 02/01/2018 16:21

Your friend does not have the right to dictate how you respond or react to issues at work.

Separate the two things, at work behave and treat her dh the same as you would treat any other colleague and if that means calling him out on his rudeness and other behaviour then do it. By not doing that you are allowing an outside of work friendship to influence you and as a result you are showing favourable bias towards this man.

Outside of work, don't discuss or mention anything relating to your work with her dh, interact with him as you would anyone else outside of a work environment.

If your friend says anything about how your and her dh's interactions are at work just refuse to discuss it with her and tell her you want to keep your friendship and work life separate.

All this would have been so much easier if you'd not involved her in the first place.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 02/01/2018 16:24

I think it’s fair enough she doesn’t want to discuss what he is like at work.

I don’t think it’s fair enough that she had told you not to tell him he is being rude as he would be “devastated”.

I would stop being friendly to him and chatting. You don’t have to be UNfriendly - just a brief smile in passing is fine. Don’t bother Good morning etc. I’m really glad his seniors have noticed he’s a wanker as well. He sounds very socially inept and uncomfortable in work situations to treat you like that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2018 16:25

I wouldn't try and engage with him at work beyond what is absolutely necessary.
For whatever reason, he doesn't wish to acknowledge any relationship with you outside of the work one, so stop trying to make him.
Treat him as you would anyone else who you consider to be a dick at work.

Then, when you see him socially, treat him as you would any husband of a good friend of yours, civil for her sake.

But yes, she doesn't want to know - she can't do anything about his behaviour, she might even realise what an arsehole he is at work but she's stuck with him for now, so she doesn't want to be reminded.

sanityisamyth · 02/01/2018 16:28

My ExH was acutely embarrassing to take anywhere. He totally ignored anyone we met, and if I tried to involve him in any conversation (finding topics that he would have in common) he'd be so bloody arrogant and make himself seem superior. Was horrific. He's an ExH for a reason ...

ATeardropExplodes · 02/01/2018 16:34

I would be shocked to the core if there was any type of abuse. My friend is very independent.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

angstinabaggyjumper · 02/01/2018 16:39

I would be shocked to the core if there was any type of abuse. My friend is very independent.

Yes so was mine.
One day I asked if she knew she was being abused by her H's behaviour and she broke down in tears. She's still with him. She's still independent. She's still being belittled, shouted at and abused.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 02/01/2018 16:46

OP - tell us more about the rude things he does at work so we can sympathise/ offer suggestions / get enraged with you.

Original poster
wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 16:47

angstinabaggyjumper that sounds awful. I have no experience of this and I know there is no way of knowing what goes on behind closed doors. she seems the same as she always has but happily married. I think he's nothing but a suck up! But I will be open minded and there for her just in case.

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/01/2018 16:48

Abusers almost always target strong, popular independent women.

Then systematically destroy them. the rudeness to you is textbook. abusers isolate their victims.

KimmySchmidt1 · 02/01/2018 16:50

Just stop making an effort to be chatty with him at work.

Abitlost2015 · 02/01/2018 16:57

You are friends with her, not him. What does his behaviour have to do with your friendship?

MiddleClassProblem · 02/01/2018 17:00

It could be bravado from being new. It could settle once he finds how he fits in but obviously this behaviour can prolong it. It could stem from insecurity or arrogance.

You could mention something to him if there’s a moment when it’s jist you and him socially. It doesn’t have to be heavy as you don’t want to ruin a social thing but just a “sometimes at work I’m not sure you’re listening, you sometimes drop out mid conversation” or something?

Fingers he’s just finding his feet and it’ll go. I know plenty of people who have been twats when they first start but as they settle, get more confidence and open up then things can seem a distant memory.

angstinabaggyjumper · 02/01/2018 17:01

Hissy
You are so right, the last time DH and I stayed with them he was so rude we are now no longer friends. She has no BF any longer, maybe that's what OP's friend's H wants.

Original poster
wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 17:03

Cauliflower
Once he came into my office threw some papers on my desk and said I need to paginate these. I looked at him strangely and said well I wouldn't know where to start?! Find a secretary?
He emailed my boss to ask something he could and should have asked me.
Today I said happy New Years what did you get up to on nye? He said nothing, walked away from me then started talking golf with my boss. Who ignored him.
Once I was left with him when a group dispersed and he just looked at me, turned on his heel and walked away.
Work related I asked him to ring someone he simply refused said he was too busy then went for a smoke.

OP posts:
Original poster
wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 17:09

Writing this down it seems like nothing! But when I get blanked by him it really pisses me off. Nobody else is like that with me!

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 02/01/2018 17:09

Ok!

Once he came into my office threw some papers on my desk and said I need to paginate these. I looked at him strangely and said well I wouldn't know where to start?! Find a secretary?

Perfect answer! Did he have to pick them all up and go?

He emailed my boss to ask something he could and should have asked me.

He doesn’t like the thought of you being in a more knowledgeable position.

Today I said happy New Years what did you get up to on nye? He said nothing, walked away from me then started talking golf with my boss. Who ignored him.

Delicious. I love the fact your boss ignored him. Next time don’t speak to him.

Once I was left with him when a group dispersed and he just looked at me, turned on his heel and walked away.

Twat head. Next time you be the first to walk off.

Work related I asked him to ring someone he simply refused said he was too busy then went for a smoke.

A-ha: you’ve got him on something there. How can you make this a problem for him??

Original poster
wantthenailsoffnow · 02/01/2018 17:13

Ha ha love it.
When he didn't make the call I asked his boss to call who said no my friends dh should call. So suppose that made it difficult.
He's a bit older than me and privately educated. Probably thinks I shouldn't be at same level as him!

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 02/01/2018 17:14

Actually writing it down, it doesn’t sound very nice at all. I wonder if he doesn’t like the fact that he is working with a friend of the missus. I’d seriously keep him at arms length at work.

Swipe left for the next trending thread