me time!

[VoidedWinter]

So I became a father again around 7 months ago and my son is amazing! I have an 8 year old from a previous relationship who I look after every other weekend.

My query today is on the topic of "me time".

My partner and I had a little tiff (shouting, storming out, not speaking, elbows in bed. You know, normal stuff!) all because I explained that I was being a little moody and withdrawn that day as I was beginning to feel tired, stressed, worn out and generally just a little despondent. This all linked to me not having a little time to do things I enjoyed, reading, watching films without falling asleep etc.

Now I did explain that I am well aware that this is how things are these days but just wanted my partner to be aware of how I was feeling, generally just wanting a reply somewhere along the lines of. I know, its poo, but it will get better.

Instead I got the, well you get to go to work everyday, and you don't wake during the night etc. (partners breastfeeding and I'm a really heavy sleeper, thunder from the gods is not like to wake me!)

Now before I get lynched, I am more than aware of the amazing job my partner is doing and try to let her know this most days. Yes I can be a little lax with housework but I do try my best to do things that need doing.

Now aside from me explaining how I felt, the argument kicked off because I was shouted from downstairs to come and give my partner a hand sorting out the wee ones dinner. I shouted back I was coming in a minute, as I was just putting away the ironing I'd been doing for the last hour and was sorting some clothing out from my eldests wardrobe (5-6 years pants for an 8 year old! they need chucking!)

When I got downstairs I was hit with a torrent of abuse for not coming when asked and leaving my partner to do everything. I realised my error and apologised, offering to help with anything else that needs doing, leaving my remaining ironing for a little while. Clearly this wasn't god enough and I got a little more abuse, which led to my partner storming off, not speaking to me, and me now seeking some help on here!

Did I do something completely wrong, am I being harshly treated?

thoughts and opinions greatly appreciated!

Is this a reverse?

I'm currently breastfeeding a 6 month old and doing all night wake ups. If my partner DARED to say he needed more 'me time' I would probably lynch him too. You're getting a full night's sleep every night. That's your me time. Don't be a dick. Be nice to your wife.

Honestly it sounds to me like two exhausted stressed out people sniping at each other because of that exhaustion. Can the baby be left with family at all if she gets some bottles ready? If so then arrange a day when you can both relax together.

Instead I got the, well you get to go to work everyday, and you don't wake during the night etc. (partners breastfeeding and I'm a really heavy sleeper, thunder from the gods is not like to wake me!)

^Read it back and go and apologise to your wife! She's absolutely right-you escape to work every day and you get a full nights sleep every night! What on earth is the problem here? My Husband shares the night wake ups and would never think to complain about 'me time'. Especially at 8 months!
We also have an 8 month old (our 4th) breastfed baby and my Husband comes home from work and takes the baby for as long as baby allows because he knows said baby has been attached to me all day. That it is mentally as well as physically draining. That's what you do when you love someone, you share the load.
What did you expect?!

You're very brave posting on here. I hope you have thick skin and a shield.

ok so i've done the apologising bit. but my point still stands.

I try to do as much as I can and never expected my partner to say, oh well here you go you have an hour every day to yourself, you deserve it!

My point was I've explained how I'm feeling and been basically told that my feelings do not matter.

Am I right to assume by some of the replies that what I should do is just keep me mouth shut and not concern my partner with my feelings.

Just for information, I try and get my partner to take some time for herself, which some times she takes me up on and other times doesn't.

And whilst "escaping" to work sounds like a dream to some people, when I'm at work I would much rather be at home with my son. So i'm not exactly escaping, i'm just not there.

I guess what I expected is for someone to say that everyone deserves a break sometimes and talking to your partner isn't a bad thing its actually a good thing. Silly me, must have assumed wrongly!

Yes I can be a little lax with housework but I do try my best to do things that need doing.

Don't be lax, just do it. I don't believe you try your best sorry.

He's 8 months old! And yes, work is an escape. Take a weeks holiday, do her job and then come back and tell us work isn't a form of escape.

Sandyy2k.

I'm not brave. But I am a parent, whether I'm the primary caregiver or not, surely my views are just as valid.

I would guess that every person on here, mothers and fathers alike, all had some idea of how parenthood would be and the stress and pressures that come with it. I would also assume that most people have had similar issues.

I will add its disheartening to see that most people are only concerned about the mothers well-being though.

And before anyone starts, under no circumstances do I think I have a harder time that my partner. That would be very stupid of me!

That being said, we both came into this together, both decided starting a family together was a good idea. As someone who has almost always been involved in team sports, everyone plays there part but not one person is bigger than the team, everyone needs supporting and encouraging in the same way. So surely me saying, hey, go have a bath and relax should sometimes be reciprocated?

Or do we all go for the belief that someone takes all the flack with little in return?

I would guess that every person on here, mothers and fathers alike, all had some idea of how parenthood would be and the stress and pressures that come with it. I would also assume that most people have had similar issues.

I really don't think you did have any idea of how it would be, sorry.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup.

As mentioned I have an 8 year old soon. aside from the breastfeeding, he was bottle fed, i've done all that and more. I also had weeks off at a time to care for him in his very young years. So yes, I get its hard.

In some ways I'd love to say lets just move onto formula so I can take some of the load, But thats not what we agreed on, nor do we think it the best choice.

Please don't think I'm just some moaning, cranky, lazy git. I do my share, or at least believe I do my best at trying to do so.

Do what a PP said. Take a week’s holiday and look after the 8mo yourself and do everything for your older child at the weekend.

Then you will understand about me time.

Bibbidee.

Mind explaining how you came to that assumption?

FHS the guy did not go straight away because he was ironing! He’s helping.

This isn’t a competition about who is doing the most or the most exhausted. Both are tired, both are being run ragged by a little dictator who takes their time. Both need some time for them and each other.

So arrange it OP!

Right now be forgiving with each other and pull together. Exhausted people get cranky it’s a fact

ALLIS0N.

I'll glad do so. Then come on here and say exactly the same thing.

You did read the bit where I said I was expressing my feelings, not that I was asking for anything??

Would I be ok in listening to my partner complain about her day and how shes feeling and just ignoring what shes said?

But you've admitted you sleep through the night, every night. Not much has changed for you. Why do you think you are just as tired as she?

Karigan1

FHS? For heavens sake?

Sorry i'm not down with the kids these days!

and OP, whats that?

Your post sounded strangely positive and with everyone seemingly telling me to stop whinging i'm just checking before I say thankyou for actually reading the message and understanding my point.

Do you shower/bath in the morning alone without children to care for simultaneously?

Does your wife?

Do you get a commute to and from work alone without interruptions to read or if driving to listen to music in the car?

Does your wife?

Do you get coffee breaks and a whole lunch to yourself without anyone needing you to care for them?

Does your wife?

This is your "me" time.

Do you at least help with night feeds at weekends if your wife has expressed? Do you give her a lie in while you look after the kids at the weekend for her to get some much needed mental space?

You don't seem to understand the monotony of dealing with the same thing day in day out with no sleep. I can't believe you're expecting your wife to subject herself to even more of this drudgery so you can add to the "me time" you already get.

And you're not even helping much with the housework?!

Things will get easier as the baby gets older but until then. Suck it up. Your wife has to.

Stitchit.

You'll get no argument from me on that. However, I was only explaining how I felt as I knew she thought something was wrong. I believe I even said the words.

"its wrong of me to think like this, so i'm sorry"

on the otherhand, if for example, and don't laugh.

I did absolutely everything I can to be helpful and to make her job easier. Cooking, Cleaning, Ironing, Bum changing etc. And logically my partner was still tried and cranky herself. And that chip resided on her shoulder.

Would it be ok for me to think, that she needs to lose that chip herself?

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup.

Sorry I don't recall this being said?

My point was I've explained how I'm feeling and been basically told that my feelings do not matter

No, you've had a grouse about how you're feeling to someone who is having at least as rough a time if not rougher - you're both knackered, suffering from a lack of time to yourself and too much to do. She's not the person to let off steam to. I love my husband and we're generally a good team but when DS was tiny every complaint DH made about not getting enough sleep or time to himself came across as self-obsessed, whiny, competitive tiredness and made me want to take a cheese grater to him She's not in a place where she's going to be receptive to it. Adjust your expectations and move on.

No. Still on your wife's side. You really aren't justifying it.

cloudchaos.

Do you shower/bath in the morning alone without children to care for simultaneously? Yes, mostly, except weekends and evenign when I usually bath my son with me?

Does your wife? I wouldn't know I'm at work. If I guess I'd say not always.

Do you get a commute to and from work alone without interruptions to read or if driving to listen to music in the car? yes, no argument

Does your wife? well no work commute, so no.

Do you get coffee breaks and a whole lunch to yourself without anyone needing you to care for them? yes mostly

Does your wife? I would imagine no

This is your "me" time. There was no argument about this!

Do you at least help with night feeds at weekends if your wife has expressed? Do you give her a lie in while you look after the kids at the weekend for her to get some much needed mental space? Son won't take a bottle too well, even though we've tried and are continuing to do so. And I have always tried to give her a lie in, but she's one of these funny people that just won't stay in bed!

You don't seem to understand the monotony of dealing with the same thing day in day out with no sleep. I can't believe you're expecting your wife to subject herself to even more of this drudgery so you can add to the "me time" you already get. Again, never asked for anything, just explained how I felt. Read the posts.

And you're not even helping much with the housework?! I said lax not that I'm not helping out!