me time!

[VoidedWinter]

So I became a father again around 7 months ago and my son is amazing! I have an 8 year old from a previous relationship who I look after every other weekend.

My query today is on the topic of "me time".

My partner and I had a little tiff (shouting, storming out, not speaking, elbows in bed. You know, normal stuff!) all because I explained that I was being a little moody and withdrawn that day as I was beginning to feel tired, stressed, worn out and generally just a little despondent. This all linked to me not having a little time to do things I enjoyed, reading, watching films without falling asleep etc.

Now I did explain that I am well aware that this is how things are these days but just wanted my partner to be aware of how I was feeling, generally just wanting a reply somewhere along the lines of. I know, its poo, but it will get better.

Instead I got the, well you get to go to work everyday, and you don't wake during the night etc. (partners breastfeeding and I'm a really heavy sleeper, thunder from the gods is not like to wake me!)

Now before I get lynched, I am more than aware of the amazing job my partner is doing and try to let her know this most days. Yes I can be a little lax with housework but I do try my best to do things that need doing.

Now aside from me explaining how I felt, the argument kicked off because I was shouted from downstairs to come and give my partner a hand sorting out the wee ones dinner. I shouted back I was coming in a minute, as I was just putting away the ironing I'd been doing for the last hour and was sorting some clothing out from my eldests wardrobe (5-6 years pants for an 8 year old! they need chucking!)

When I got downstairs I was hit with a torrent of abuse for not coming when asked and leaving my partner to do everything. I realised my error and apologised, offering to help with anything else that needs doing, leaving my remaining ironing for a little while. Clearly this wasn't god enough and I got a little more abuse, which led to my partner storming off, not speaking to me, and me now seeking some help on here!

Did I do something completely wrong, am I being harshly treated?

thoughts and opinions greatly appreciated!

Voided

What were you expecting her to say to the expression of your feelings then if you were just intending to get them off your chest?

"That's nice dear. Yes its terrible you get no me time. I feel for you"?

If she had said that you'd have been all fine and dandy?

Seems to me that you view the mental and physical load as your wife’s job and you are ‘helping’.
Women rarely view what they do as mothers and taking on the majority of the housework as ‘helping’. They just ‘do’.
Age sorting pants upstairs at dinner time with a baby and small child is not the time to do that particular job. You need to be at the front-line sharing the mental load.
And being a SAHP with a baby is bloody boring. I can quite imagine resentment brewing when a partner is able to put a coat on and leave the house, engage in conversation with an adult about world events. A commute seems a very attractive proposition.
I think you need to exercise a little more understanding.

Instead I got the, well you get to go to work everyday, and you don't wake during the night etc. (partners breastfeeding and I'm a really heavy sleeper, thunder from the gods is not like to wake me!)

Hth.

OP, at the weekend when you don't have work the next day, I challenge you to do everything your wife does including waking up at night while she feeds and not going back to sleep until she does. You are not allowed to go for a shower until the baby is settled. You make breakfast, lunch and dinner (unless you usually make dinner anyway?) while simultaneously making sure baby is happy/fed etc. You make sure baby is safe each time you go to the loo. The only thing your wife does is feed the baby. Then imagine doing that always 24/7. Then come back and tell us your wife is being unreasonable for not patting you on the back and giving you a big thumbs up for sacrificing your "me" time.

cloudchaos

you hit the nail on the head!

I say it all the time.

I try and give my partner some time for herself and never expect it.

Just a simple, i'm sorry you feel that way, here have a cuddle, lets go watch some criminal minds! and fall asleep like always!

but I see thats very wrong of me!

Give the guy a break too. I’m in the exact same situation, newborn to look after, house to look after, spending time with my partner before he has to go to work to provide for us.

It’s exhausting on both ends, both deserve a break. It doesn’t matter if he works or is at home 24/7 at least he is trying! Some men don’t bother. In my eyes, it’s frustrating being at home most of the time, knowing it’s none stop and there’s things to be done around the house, there is no break feeling when in the same 4 walls constantly, and it can get lonely. I’m a lot happier and feel more relaxed when parents have DD for a few hours, just to get things done, have a nap and spend time with partner.

Is it possible to have a baby sitter for a few hours if she can express milk into bottles? Spend some time together, have a day out, or at least a few hours. Try to remind her housework can wait and to relax more, and same to yourself. Try and make time for yourselves.

Dscarl07.

thankyou.

At least some people do get it!

Ohforfoxsakereturns.

Partner was asleep downstairs when I went upstairs. How would I know they woken and were getting dinner ready.

sorry, i'll reword everything to say I have done or do such and such a job.

But I won;'t reword that i try and help as much as I can. I think that stands for itself!

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup.

Yes that says I sleep well.

Not that I said I'm more tired!

KatnissK.

I think you missed my point.

I know, wait sorry, I understand its hard. And I have done this in the past so do get it as much as I can.

This was never about how busy, tired, overworked or stressed my partner is. It was purely about whether I had been treated harshly for daring to say how I felt.

As I mentioned before, should I just keep my mouth shut. If so I might have to try extra hard to ensure I don't seem too happy, as surely that might cause an issue as well!

I give up op. You are massively hard work just on the internet-to deal with you in real life I think your wife must be a Saint!
Good luck.

I didn't miss the point (or not so far as I understand what the point of this thread is).
Your point: your wife should be sympathetic to the difficulties in having a baby, particularly in relation to the loss of your "me" time.
My point: try to understand how tired your wife is and how much she is sacrificing by doing all her work for 24 hours, and you will understand why your comment was tactless and met with little sympathy.
If that's not your point then I don't really understand what your point is.

Yet another one.
Man posts with seemingly genuine question (though sounds a bit clueless in op)
Posters respond
OP carefully explains to posters why their advice is Bad and Wrong (except those few who agree with him ( it is always a him).
Continue until everyone's heads explode. At which point OP retires, satisfied he's proved what hysterical harpies we all are.

Eta that this is so formulaic - and so similar to a lot of goady posts from first time male ops lately that I have reported.

I’m going through this now. I’m the breastfeeding mum while DH sleeps all night. I’m on mat leave though and this is second baby so I’ve done work and stayed home - IMO work is easier than being home with kids all day.

And yes when DH complains about a lack of “me time” I want to punch him! It’s fine to feel that way but

A) that doesn’t mean it’s fine to expect to get that time - it’s not. You have a baby, you give up “me time” for a period. And

B) your mate/brother/whoever is a better person to vent about this to than your sleep-deprived wife. She doesn’t care in the slightest because she has it way harder.

Sometimes it's best to acknowledge your feelings but say nothing , as to open your fat gob would be considered either crass or an invitation for a knuckle sandwich.

Your "me time" is, as someone else stated, your commute time or break times at work.

You have had a baby. You are a father now. Hobbies and "me time" take a back seat to junior and supporting your partner.

Notice I'm childless......

It’s probably the same one, Katsu. Even if not, its a GF.

GF

🙄💅🏻

Not goading, nor trying to cause conflict.

Wanted a sensible answer which some posters have given. Others just seemingly decided to point the finger because I dared to express my personal feelings.

Like I said before all parents deserve some level of support regardless of whether they are mum or dad. However I appear to have just stumbled slightly into a biased view.

Maybe she’s miffed it might sound as though you did a lot more with your previous child than this one. As you pointed out doing lots of looking after them back then and nowadays nothing can even wake you up...

I won't hear that as you 'expressing your feelings', I'd hear that as having a 'poor me' whinge!

Oh bless you. Us unreasonable women with our "biased view".

Hate myself for even responding to such an obvious MRA pile of crap, but your definition of sensible is just anyone who agrees with you. Which kind of proves the point I made above.

But now I'm out and hope MN Towers look into this asap.

Ok, it's over now. Time to get to business. You need to work together, do the stuff that she physically can't and mentally can't do all of the time, I.e.

Change the bed clothes

Do a shop (or arrange a home shop)

Check calendar for next appointments and block off Saturday/Sunday mornings for DP (see later points below)

Continue to fold washing, maybe have the baby in a bouncer at the same time and give DP a break.

My DH would put the baby into a sling (front when small and back carrier about from 8months) and get on with housework

Take out the rubbish every day as you go to work or first thing when you're back (with baby in sling thus freeing DP)

Take the baby after the morning feed in the sling on Saturday and Sunday. DP would walk to costa or library with other DS giving me time to MySELf!!!!

Take off a Friday and or a monday at least once a month and get stuck in

Your DP will be grateful.

My heart bleeds for you @VoidedWinter

Poor lamb. Bless.

Why bother posting when you only want to listen to responses that suit your dainty ears?