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Relationships

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Original poster

will be dumped if i don't agree to spend next Christmas with partner

59 replies

Convoy2000 · 02/01/2018 13:35

I've been with my partner 8 years & I spend Christmas with my elderly parents (in another country).
I don't have brothers & sisters & there are no close relatives near to my parents. I love my parents but feel wrung out after the visit & then I come home to an unhappy/sulky partner.

My partner is not into Christmas - and prefers to stay home He is also invited to my parents house but does not want to go (I have no issue with this as i would not want to spend Christmas with his family either). I've also offered to pay for a hotel close to my parents so we can have space in the evening but he does not want this either.

Next Christmas he wants to go on a holiday & has said I'm jumped if I don't go. Fed up with feeling torn. There are no children involved in this to consider.

OP posts:

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 02/01/2018 13:36

He sounds like an arse to be honest. Is your relationship otherwise good?

MumGoneMild · 02/01/2018 13:37

Tell him you want him to come to your parents or you will dump him

Throw it right back at him.

Arrietty123 · 02/01/2018 13:40

Tell him to go on holiday by himself if he's so desperate to get away. If he wants company there's plenty of holidays for lone travellers where you can join a group.

abilockhart · 02/01/2018 13:40

My response would be to ask him when is he moving out in that case.

MsAwesomeDragon · 02/01/2018 13:41

Go to your parents if that's what you want to do. Tbh a lot of people would have dumped him before now if he's refused all offers to come with you to your parents in order to spend Christmas together.

My dh doesn't like visiting my parents, but does it anyway. I don't particularly like visiting his mum either, but I do it.

MillennialFalcon · 02/01/2018 13:43

It's concerning that he is not willing to compromise by even staying at a hotel near your parents. It sounds like you are making all the effort to please him and your parents. What do you want?

Cricrichan · 02/01/2018 13:47

I'd dump him. What an arse.

thethoughtfox · 02/01/2018 13:48

If he is serious and prepared to end your relationship over this, you don't have a future together. If he is just threatening this to manipulate you, this is a giant red flag.

RidingWindhorses · 02/01/2018 13:48

Call his bluff and tell him it's over then.

Despite the fact he doesn't care about Christmas he's trying to make you choose him over your parents at Christmas.

No reason why you can't go away together after you've seen your parents.

RidingWindhorses · 02/01/2018 13:49

Or before for that matter.

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2018 13:49

Would it be so bad to spend christmas without your parents? Lots of people alternate parents every other year, you could see them the week before or after christmas instead.

I don't think your partner should be issuing ultimatums but it seems reasonable to be more flexible to me

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 13:50

Have you never spent Christmas together in eight years? Have you always prioritised your parents? Has he never gone to their country for Christmas with you in the 8 years?

Trying to see both sides here, has he ever asked you to spend Christmas with him before and have you always refused?

MyNewBearTotoro · 02/01/2018 13:50

If the relationship means that little to him that he’s willing to risk losing you over where you spend Christmas, when he doesn’t even particularly want to celebrate it, i’d dump him.

Crispbutty · 02/01/2018 13:50

Don’t wait til next Christmas, dump him now. By next Christmas you could have met someone who is a much nicer person.

Cantuccit · 02/01/2018 13:51

He wants to go on holiday so that he can keep you away from your parents over Christmas, boy because he wants to spend Christmas with you.

I would see this as a red flag as it's a desire for control.

If he was bothered about Christmas then he would have tried to negotiate with you I.e. you alternative xmas with him and your parents each year

RidingWindhorses · 02/01/2018 13:54

If the relationship means that little to him that he’s willing to risk losing you over where you spend Christmas, when he doesn’t even particularly want to celebrate it, i’d dump him.

Agreed.

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 02/01/2018 13:55

Christmas is (can be) a good time of year, and fun, and a chance to spend time with loved ones, and it can also be a time of obligation and stress, as OP demonstrates. What is really is NOT is such a significant thing that it's enough to throw a strop and break up an otherwise healthy long term relationship over.

This isn't about flexibility at Christmas. This is about control.

Original poster

Convoy2000 · 02/01/2018 14:06

He did spend 1 christmas with my parents - but won't do it again. One reason is my mum is a smoker (which I understand will be no-no for some people who hate smoking).

As for what I 'want'.
Ironically, I would love a christmas in my own home or in the sun - I love my parents but I go stir crazy after a couple of days in their house (or anyone's house :) ) - BUT - the reason I go to my parents every year is they are old, not in good health, and I worry how many more Christmases I will have them around for.

As Youcanstayundermyumbrella said in a post above love & obligation at play here.

Relationship with partner 'OK-ish'. Ups & downs like everyone else.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 14:13

OK, so he has spent one Christmas with your parents.

How many Christmases have you spent with him?

I'm guessing the answer is no. Sorry, but I do think not to have spent one Christmas on HIS terms in eight years is a little unfair.

I appreciate they are old and not in good health but that has been the reason for going for eight years and they're still here. I think I would feel pretty disappointed if my partner had not spent one Christmas at home - or even on a holiday, if he's not particularly into Christmas festivities himself - in eight years. He at least compromised once; you haven't compromised at all.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 02/01/2018 14:41

If this was reversed, he would be called selfish for leaving you every Christmas.

I don't think he is asking a lot, he wants Christmas away with you but your priorities are not him which is fine as he knows where he stands and can make the decision to leave if things don't change.

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 15:08

Quite, Yellow which is why I posed my initial questions rather than jumped to the same response of "controlling arsehole" of many posters. He's been made aware of his importance in the scheme of things and is allowing her to know the score in return. Seems reasonable.

RidingWindhorses · 02/01/2018 15:11

This is a man who doesn't care about Christmas. If he did he could have agreed with OP for her to go every other year or some years go for her to go before or after Christmas.

When your parents get to a certain age you want to spend every Christmas with them as it may be their last. He's free to visit his parents if they're alive.

If he doesn't like smoking, OP and he could stay in a hotel near her parents.

There are so many discussions and arrangements that could have been had and made over the last 8 years rather than pulling a massive strop and threatening to end the relationship.

RidingWindhorses · 02/01/2018 15:14

You jumped to the response that a very silly immature threat to end a relationship over Christmas relationships was 'reasonable'.

RidingWindhorses · 02/01/2018 15:14

^ To Shatner obviously.

RidingWindhorses · 02/01/2018 15:17

If this was reversed, he would be called selfish for leaving you every Christmas.

I would say exactly the same to a woman who wasn't into Christmas but wanted to prevent her partner from visiting his ageing parents. Threatening to end the relationship over it.

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