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Original poster

will be dumped if i don't agree to spend next Christmas with partner

59 replies

Convoy2000 · 02/01/2018 13:35

I've been with my partner 8 years & I spend Christmas with my elderly parents (in another country).
I don't have brothers & sisters & there are no close relatives near to my parents. I love my parents but feel wrung out after the visit & then I come home to an unhappy/sulky partner.

My partner is not into Christmas - and prefers to stay home He is also invited to my parents house but does not want to go (I have no issue with this as i would not want to spend Christmas with his family either). I've also offered to pay for a hotel close to my parents so we can have space in the evening but he does not want this either.

Next Christmas he wants to go on a holiday & has said I'm jumped if I don't go. Fed up with feeling torn. There are no children involved in this to consider.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/01/2018 15:17

Ultimata though are not attractive. Op has tried to come up with solutions, which he won't consider. She's piggy in the middle here, she wants to have a Christmas at home, but feels obliged to see parents, he's demanding what he wants. OP, if you do stay with him, could you compromise and have Christmas at home and visit parents just before or after?

SandyY2K · 02/01/2018 15:18

I think it's not unreasonable that he wants a Christmas with you.

You've had it your way for 7 years. Relationships are about compromise. I suspect he feels at the end if his tether....but ultimatums like this aren't good.

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 15:20

Riding I didn't say the thread in itself or the way it was put was necessarily reasonable. But relationships are about compromise. I have seen no evidence of compromise on the OPs part who has spent every Christmas since she has been in this relationship with her parents in another country. Her partner has compromised once, she hasn't compromised at all.

After eight years of this, I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect the OP for their NINTH Christmas as a couple, for her to spend Christmas with him where he would like to.

Yellow is perfectly correct. If a woman was posting on here that for eight years her husband has gone home to his parents for Xmas and never staying home with her, they'd be told he was a wanker.

Karigan1 · 02/01/2018 15:23

So for 8 years you’ve done what you want? It will not hurt you to one year do what he wants. He’s probably tired of being left alone at a time when everything is about the people you love.

Christmascardqueen · 02/01/2018 15:26

The problem is the threat; if you don’t do this I’ll dump you. Next month it will be if you don’t do XYZ, I’ll dump you. The I’ll dump you threat will never end.
Either work on a compromise (family visit in November or January) or move on.

dorislessingscat · 02/01/2018 15:30

I wouldn't spend Christmas in a smoker's house.

ididntmeanitlikethat · 02/01/2018 15:31

It's not the wanting to spend Christmas together that I'd find concerning but the threat of being dumped if you don't!

Either work on a compromise or move on

Agreed

Gemini69 · 02/01/2018 15:33

so he's not really 'into Christmas' but wants your complete attention over this 'special' period to you and your elderly parents... Hmm

I'd drop him like a stone Flowers

AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/01/2018 15:36

It doesn’t matter what it’s about, ‘I’ll dump you if you don’t do what I want’ is controlling and ridiculous.

He doesn’t care about Christmas, so you could do what he wants any of the other 51 weeks of the year. You and your parents do care about spending Christmas together, so it’s a no brainier!

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 15:38

Compromise means BOTH parties make an effort.

He's made one. He went with her one year.

Her compromise is that she goes to her parents as normal every year and he goes but they stay in a hotel.

That isn't a compromise. It's one partner always getting their way. And if it was a man doing that, he'd be a called a wanker. He wants for the first time ever, in nine years, to spend a Christmas, just the two of them, on holiday somewhere.

He's still a wanker.

Hissy · 02/01/2018 15:40

The ONLY reply to "i'll dump you if you..." is to DUMP THEM.

Do it. Let's see how he likes them apples.

Ivymaud · 02/01/2018 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2018 15:41

It's one partner always getting their way. And if it was a man doing that, he'd be a called a wanker.

^...^...^

This 100%

MoKnickers · 02/01/2018 15:42

I’m amazed he’s getting a pasting. Imagine the roles reversed!

LazyDailyMailJournos · 02/01/2018 15:44

You are both being unreasonable.

I completely understand that you want to see your parents whilst they are still here and make the most of Christmases with them. But this essentially means that your partner has to do what you want for Christmas every single year, for the foreseeable future, when he's been putting up with it for 8 years already. I'd be pretty pissed off if DH fucked off to his parents for the whole of Christmas every single year. As Shatner has said, compromise works both ways. What exactly are you proposing to compromise on?

OTOH threatening to 'dump' you if you don't agree is very childish and petulant. So he is unreasonable for that.

However on balance I feel more sympathetic to him because I suspect that after 8 years he's probably had his fill of having to spend Christmas alone each year.

Cricrichan · 02/01/2018 15:46

But her partner doesn't care about Christmas - they can have a holiday at any other time!

LilaoftheGreenwood · 02/01/2018 15:47

This isn't a direct answer, Convoy2000, but maybe it'll help. I've just spent Xmas in my own home, and I hesitated because of the "suppose parents pop their clogs in the coming year" thing. I felt a bit guilty that I didn't have a "reason" to be elsewhere, I just decided I wanted to be. But the trouble is parents popping off will only ever become more likely, so you're basically deciding never to have a different kind of Christmas while they're alive. How does that feel? What clinched it for me was realising that even if I did do Christmas "perfectly" ie by staying with them every time, when they do pop off I'll be bound to find some other bit of past behaviour to beat myself up with! Emotional guilt and obligation aren't predictable like that.

Anyway, I cannot recommend it enough, if you have even a slight pull towards it do it. It was bliss! I love my parents but gosh, the relief of not having to do all that travelling, and having that lovely sense of abundance and twinkly lights and leftovers in MY fridge for a change, rather than coming back to a cold, undecorated flat on 28th Dec.

AnathemaPulsifer · 02/01/2018 15:51

If you care about your partner compromise and see your parents at Easter that year instead.

Scabbersley · 02/01/2018 15:52

Gp away with him at Xmas and see you parents before or after. Could your parents not come to you?

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 15:53

Cric Actually, the OP says he's not into Christmas. Not quite the same thing as doesn't care about it. I find Christmas difficult because a friend died on Xmas Eve. I go through the motions but I'd probably say I'm not really into Christmas. I'd quite like (if I had a partner) to just go away somewhere foreign one year and sort of avoid the usual Christmas stuff.

And you can not particularly be "into" Christmas, but still want to spend that time off work with the person you love and who loves you. I was off work for the whole week between Xmas and New Year and I'm single and it was fucking lonely. He's not single and still spends every Xmas on his own.

Whenever people get married and problems with inlaws arrive, we generally say that the couple (without or without kids) are first priority and are family. Actual relatives come second

LilaoftheGreenwood · 02/01/2018 15:55

Btw I see why other posters are saying you've had it "your way" for 8 years, but you haven't really, have you? It's just one sort of love/obligation over another. Plus I know what it's like to have one of these "I'm not into Christmas" types around and it's pretty joyless, so presumably that has contributed to your decision.

Saying that, 8 years to me sounds like a long time to have any particular Christmas routine. It would probably help if he'd sold this as "I'd love us to spend Christmas together in an exciting place" rather than "do this or you're dumped" wouldn't it.

Flyingflipflop · 02/01/2018 15:57

I’m amazed he’s getting a pasting. Imagine the roles reversed!

I’m amazed you’re amazed! Grin

You can guarantee on any thread that the mans going to be called a controlling arsehole!

It always makes me smile those who pop up saying 'I would say the same if the roles were reversed'. Funny, you never see them at all on those threads!

Ivymaud · 02/01/2018 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 02/01/2018 16:00

Shatner you should've come over, I was like Mrs Insane Christmas Pixie Grin I'd have happily fed a houseful.

Loonoonow · 02/01/2018 16:04

If he is threatening to dump you, whatever his reason or excuse might be then I think he is telling you he is going to dump you at some point. What he is effectively saying is 'I am not planning the to spend rest of my life with you. My commitment will only last while your do the things I want.' If you go on this holiday he will have another demand and if you don't comply he will dump you then. This will go on and on until he eventually dumps you on whatever pretext suits him then.

I don't blame him for not wanting to leave his home at Christmas. I certainly don't blame him for not wanting to spend time in a house where people smoke. I wouldn't want to spend all Christmas with my inlaws. I would be upset if my DP spent Christmas without me. I am in total agreement with him on all those points. But they pale into insignificance beside his bullying arrogant attitude and his belief that his leaving you is such a terrible, terrible threat that you will immediately kow-tow.

I normally advocate for working on relationship difficulties but in this case the only sane response to him would be 'Don't let the door hit you in the arse on your way out'.