will be dumped if i don't agree to spend next Christmas with partner

[Convoy2000]

I've been with my partner 8 years & I spend Christmas with my elderly parents (in another country).
I don't have brothers & sisters & there are no close relatives near to my parents. I love my parents but feel wrung out after the visit & then I come home to an unhappy/sulky partner.

My partner is not into Christmas - and prefers to stay home He is also invited to my parents house but does not want to go (I have no issue with this as i would not want to spend Christmas with his family either). I've also offered to pay for a hotel close to my parents so we can have space in the evening but he does not want this either.

Next Christmas he wants to go on a holiday & has said I'm jumped if I don't go. Fed up with feeling torn. There are no children involved in this to consider.

Oh gosh, sorry Shatner, that was a bit insensitive. I was skimming a bit and only really read your middle para, missed the first

OP you’ve mentioned that going to your parents leaves you feeling a bit worn down and you’d like to spend it away from them sometimes. Do you tell your DP this frequently?
I find it interesting you say you’d like to spend Christmas ‘in the sun’ and your DP is offering you exactly that.
If you’re telling him how going to your parents makes you feel, he could just be a bit tired of you putting yourself in a situation that makes you feel shit.
If my DH was putting himself in a situation that stressed him out, for nearly a decade, I’d probably be telling giving him some sort of an ultimatum (not necessarily ‘its over’ but something maybe as harsh if nothing else worked).
He’s probably also seen that you’ve made your mind up about Christmas, (it does sound like you’ll be spending every Christmas there, even if you dont want to) so there’s no point in saying anything other than ‘hes not that into it’.

I agree with pp, if the roles were reversed he would still be ‘controlling’ and LTB and all that. They’d be asking why should you be expected to go to a hotel.

It’s a long while away yet, I’d consider it. It might be his way of getting you to break a cycle you dont want to be in, but can’t say no to.
You could visit your parents before or after.

If he isn't 'into' Xmas then why does he care where you spend it? Would he feel the same way if you took the same amount of time off at a different time of year every year to spend with your parents?

But another question is what exactly is 'not into it'? Some people enjoy Xmas but want to spend the time quietly, minimal fuss, just being together. Just because he doesn't want a big hoo-ha doesn't mean the Day itself isn't special to him.

Is there room for compromise? Being gone a shorter time period or perhaps alternate years spending the actual day here vs there, one year with your parents on the 25th, the next year going before or after? I have a feeling that what your parents enjoy is having YOU there, as opposed to having you there on the 25th. TBH, spending an extended period of time in a smoker's house wouldn't be something I'd do, either, but I'd try to find a compromise.

But in a larger sense, this has nothing to do with Christmas. This has to do with partners issuing ultimatums. I agree with ultimatums when it comes to addiction, abuse, hoarding, etc, real 'deal breaker' stuff. But not when it comes to something like where to spend Xmas or where to go on holiday. These are things that can, and should, be compromised on. If your partner won't work on a compromise, then you need to reconsider the relationship.

Compromise? Spend a couple of days with your parents before Xmas and go on holiday with your partner for the Xmas break.

Are your parents that bothered about you being there on Xmas day?

My husband annpunced that this Christmas we would be staying at home and if my mum and son wanted to spend Christmas with us they would have to come to us. My Son works in banking and works until Christmas eve and we live 7 hours away and he has to be back to work on 27th at 8am. We have two nearly three weeks off at Christmas so us travelling to them is not a problem but he is insisting. I just say well I will be going so I hope you have a good day and I will leave you a frozen dinner in the freezer. See you on the 27th . Bet a million pounds he is in that car with me lol

it doesnt matter whether the roles are reversed or not! threatening to leave a relationship over something like that is mental! Its manipulative, that is not how you reach a compromise together as adults. 'Do this or ill leave you!' wtf!

The suggestion the OP made with them staying in a hotel was the start of a good compromise but that was rejected by her partner.

I've been with my Dp for 8 years - and we've only just now spent a christmas together!

I have kids so have prioritised spending christmas with them - dP usually goes to his parents. This past year the kids were at their fathers so I hosted Dps parents at mine.

Nobody has ever threatened a dumping if we dont spent it together!

If he isn't into Christmas why is he making it such an issue?

What he is effectively saying is ... "My commitment will only last while your do the things I want"

If that was the case I imagine he'd have bailed out long ago, but he didn't - instead he's spent nearly every Christmas without OP, no doubt wondering if it will ever be his turn

I don't like ultimatums either, but I doubt this has come out of the blue; more likely he's tried reasonable persuasion and found himself ignored

And maybe it's worth remembering that compromise goes in two directions, not just one