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Original poster

Getting over a rough patch (of four years!) - doable?

51 replies

fufulina · 02/01/2018 10:18

DH and I have been married over ten years. Two DC. Both work. I do all the wife work. Despite repeated attempts to get him to pull his weight. He does most things I ask him to do, but I am Operations Director for the family. Exhausting.

We have stretches of time when things are good, and stretches when things are bad. Whenever we go away on holiday we have a great time - with and without the kids. We have sex (doesn't happen at home), we laugh, we get on. And I think that's because there is no wifework on holiday, so my enormous resentment doesn't get in the way.

We had a long conversation last night, and both of us are committed to the relationship, but something has to change because when you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

And what we get is resentment from me, anger from him and no sex. Until we go on holiday!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation (it's been rough ups and downs for about 4 years), and managed to turn things around? What did you do?

We talked last night and I said that I think marriage is going to feel different to the early days - I think he has unrealistic expectations of hearts and flowers all the time. But - we aren't totally happy and when it's bad, it is hard. No abuse, nothing like that, but lots of rolling of eyes and short tempers.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 10:35

Make him pull his fucking weight. Seriously. Otherwise this is just going to be the repeated cycle for the rest of the marriage until the resentment boils over and you will want to leave. Honestly.

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 10:36

PS Wife work is a bullshit phrase and I say that as a man.

Original poster
fufulina · 02/01/2018 10:44

Thanks Shatners.

I used the term wifework as the understood term for the mental load of marriage and kids - the book.

But - after a repeated cycle of four years - how do I 'make him pull his fucking weight'? If he doesn't want to, then how do I?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 10:51

I hate to tell you this, but I suspect you can't. That ship clearly sailed long ago. He's been doing fuck all for over 10 years. You've tried to get him to pull his weight and failed more than once. You shouldn't need to continually ask him to do something. I suspect he thinks it's "your job". Fuck that shit.

It's either put up and shut up and carry on or tell him as of 2018, he will be doing XY and Z (let's say you look after tidying and cleaning lounge, kitchen and your bedroom and he does the kids bedrooms and bathroom) and if he doesn't, then those things don't get done. So, do yours and the kids washing and ironing. Leave him to do his.

Original poster
fufulina · 02/01/2018 10:55

Great in theory, but then the kids rooms would be vile, they wouldn't have any clean clothes or clothes that fit, and that impacts them!

I've not done his washing for years because its the only thing I could scale back which wouldn't impact me or the kids.

This year I am not booking any holidays/weekends away and we will see if anything happens. I suspect not.

To be fair, I have put up and shut up for years. And I suppose you're right - I either accept that he won't change, or I leave.

You're right - he won't change.

OP posts:
pollythedolly · 02/01/2018 10:56

He won't change because he hasn't needed to. The cycle restarted. Break that, hard. He will either come to his senses or not. If not end the relationship.

Snowysnowysnow · 02/01/2018 10:57

I don't think you quote get the issue Shartners - if she tells/asks him to do something then he does it. However it's up to OP to work out what needs to be done everytime.

OP I don't know what you do about it but if you feel that things aren't balanced then you need to deal with it and of course things won't stay the same. I bear most of the 'mental load' but to be honest it doesn't bother me that much. DH probably bears more of the 'physical' load and I see it as just us each doing what we're best at. I am, and will always be, more organised than he is. That said it clearly bothers you so you just need to push foreard.

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 11:02

Snowy I absolutely get the issue which is why I suggested what I did. If he does what the OP tells him to, then she literally tells him "as of now, these are your jobs to do every week".

But the OP is quite right in her last posting. He won't change.

category12 · 02/01/2018 11:04

Oh I think not booking any holidays will be a killer.

It's one of those things where really he needs to live somewhere else and you just date.

Butterymuffin · 02/01/2018 11:07

I also think he's unlikely to change. Is there really nothing else that impacts on him but not you or the kids, that you can offload onto him? Do you both have jobs?

Original poster
fufulina · 02/01/2018 11:07

category12 - flippant comment, or actual suggestion?

We can't afford two homes where we live so if he moves out, it would be as much upheaval as divorce, so we may as well just call it a day!

OP posts:
Original poster
fufulina · 02/01/2018 11:09

Yes - both work. Me 4 days, him full time. And on my day off I do a shed load of washing, admin (appointments, paperwork, get deliveries, boiler service, handypeople - all that stuff) and cleaning.

After six years I offloaded present and card buying for his family to him. It's taken him 4 years, but now he actually gets cards and presents to his family on time.

I have thought hard about other stuff I could offload which wouldn't impact me or kids and can't think of anything.

The really frustrating thing is that when it's something for his hobby - he is beyond efficient. He just doesn't give a shit about the rest of us.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/01/2018 11:11

Flippant. Relationships rarely survive trying to roll back commitment levels, even if it were practical. (Although there's a lot to be said for the idea really. I'd be reluctant to live with someone again.)

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/01/2018 11:11

I don't understand your big conversation last night.

We had a long conversation last night, and both of us are committed to the relationship, but something has to change because when you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

Sounds good.

How does that sit with this post soon after though?

But - after a repeated cycle of four years - how do I 'make him pull his fucking weight'? If he doesn't want to, then how do I?

I thought the big talk was him saying he will do it. So why do you need strategies to manipulate him?

Did he take something different from the big talk? Is he expecting to load the dishwasher now and then while you never "nag" are always little miss sunshine and are up for all the sex all the time? Is that what you meant by I think he has unrealistic expectations of hearts and flowers all the time.

What did he say that made you think he would put real sustained effort into taking on work he believes deep down is your work (that he might kindly help with sometimes)?

category12 · 02/01/2018 11:11

Flippant. Relationships rarely survive trying to roll back commitment levels, even if it were practical. (Although there's a lot to be said for the idea really. I'd be reluctant to live with someone again.)

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 11:12

There you are. Like I said. He thinks those things are you job/role in the marriage. He is perfectly capable of doing his own washing. He's perfectly capable of doing things for his hobby. Because he's a selfish arse.

I'm sorry to say that I think this is dead in the water, actually. Wonder what he'd do if you said you were going to leave if he didn't shape up?

Original poster
fufulina · 02/01/2018 11:14

Rabbit - I was responding to Shatners post.

And really - it is the nub of my OP. How do we change things?

OP posts:
Original poster
fufulina · 02/01/2018 11:17

Rabbit - sorry, didn't read your whole post.

Yes - I think he expects me to tell him he is wonderful all the time. But he's not, and that just makes me feel like his mother. Passion killer.

No idea what he took from the conversation. I explained how I felt (as OP), and he said he agreed and understood.

I think I just can't face breaking up the family. I have ZERO interest in living with another man ever - but I don't want to deprive DC of living with us both. I have seriously considered divorce, but it would be massive upheaval. We live in London so the family home wouldn't split into two family homes.

Am totally conflicted to be honest. I know he won't change. I just want an equal adult partner.

OP posts:
Karigan1 · 02/01/2018 11:19

He isn’t hearing and doesn’t understand. Do a role reversal for a week. Talk it through first. Write down everything you sort in a week. Get him to write down everything he does then switch roles and stick to each other’s role. Do not step in to help. Do not take over if the kids get feral. Literally leave your normal roles to him.

Sometimes it’s not just that the person doesn’t pull their weight but might also be that he has a different time scale or acceptance level than you and you’re stepping in before it hits his mark. You might need to step back and let him step up. Switching roles will help each other understand and learn the issues. It’s not easy as you find yourself automatically starting things you do usually but step back and sit on your hands if you have to. The house will suffer at first but it’ll be better in the long run.

Butterymuffin · 02/01/2018 11:19

How about you switch and he works 4 days and does all the stuff you currently do on the fifth day, while you go full time? Don't know how many years you've done that for, but surely there's a case for saying 'your turn now'?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/01/2018 11:19

You don't change. He does.

He knows what you want. He is an intelligent man capable of organising, as you see from his hobby and ability to hold down a job. If he doesn't want to change then there's nothing you can do.

If he doesn't change, then it is your turn to change things. The divorce way.

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 11:22

Unfortunately, what you want and what you have are two different things. Maybe had you made your stand much earlier, things might have been different (although probably not).

Your children WILL pick up on the resentment and things being bad. They aren't stupid. Seriously, staying together in an unhappy marriage supposedly for the sake of the children is NEVER a good idea. What message does it give to your children to see you doing all the work and being unhappy? Do you want this for them when they are older? Because that's what you will be teaching them and that's NOT good parenting, in my opinion.

category12 · 02/01/2018 11:24

He needs to care enough to change.

Atm there's nothing in it for him - he has his life quite nicely arranged - sure, the wife moans and strops, but she gets over it.

Original poster
fufulina · 02/01/2018 11:25

Karigan - very interesting idea.

I am going away for a week imminently. As I wrote out the notes for the handover, and spent a few hours doing all the banking, arranging and paying for childcare, forwarding emails to him, it became so clear how little he does day to day. But if I point that out to him he is outraged. Because 'I just do it'!

I do it because he has failed to do things in the past, and I don't want the kids not being picked up from school, or bills not being paid.

He is going away for a week in a couple of months and I can guarantee there wouldn't be a single handover note required.

I like the idea though - a last ditch, let's role reverse and see what happens. I have also asked him many times to consider four days and I go full time - to address the issue. But he claims he can't. Obviously. Because he is a man and men don't work four days a week - although one of his team (female) does!

OP posts:
Original poster
fufulina · 02/01/2018 11:28

Category Atm there's nothing in it for him - he has his life quite nicely arranged - sure, the wife moans and strops, but she gets over it.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. He knows that I don't want to break up the family. So he can do whatever he wants.

OP posts: