Getting over a rough patch (of four years!) - doable?

[fufulina]

DH and I have been married over ten years. Two DC. Both work. I do all the wife work. Despite repeated attempts to get him to pull his weight. He does most things I ask him to do, but I am Operations Director for the family. Exhausting.

We have stretches of time when things are good, and stretches when things are bad. Whenever we go away on holiday we have a great time - with and without the kids. We have sex (doesn't happen at home), we laugh, we get on. And I think that's because there is no wifework on holiday, so my enormous resentment doesn't get in the way.

We had a long conversation last night, and both of us are committed to the relationship, but something has to change because when you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

And what we get is resentment from me, anger from him and no sex. Until we go on holiday!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation (it's been rough ups and downs for about 4 years), and managed to turn things around? What did you do?

We talked last night and I said that I think marriage is going to feel different to the early days - I think he has unrealistic expectations of hearts and flowers all the time. But - we aren't totally happy and when it's bad, it is hard. No abuse, nothing like that, but lots of rolling of eyes and short tempers.

Any words of wisdom?

See a solicitor. I think you are imagining a different financial and housing situation to the reality.

Do you honestly think he needs or wants his own full on family home anyway? For one night a week and every other weekend, if hobby permits? Chances are you will stay in the house, he buys you out. He will have less than 50:50 financially because you will mostly have the children and the costs that entails. Well, that's how it normally goes anyway.

You buy him out obviously.

Four years isn't a rough patch , it's a doomed relationship.

Sorry.

I couldn't buy him out. I earn more than him (on my four days), but couldn't extend the mortgage to buy him out. The mortgage would already be pretty tricky on my single salary - although going full time would help.

Out of curiosity what is his hobby? Is it something that he does independently or in a team? What are his patterns of work... is he able to take responsibility for his role in a professional environment... or does he tend to be unhappy / critical of colleagues and regularly seek a new job hoping for 'a better fit'? I ask as a friend was in a similar position. Married for 15 years, children together. Husband enjoyed the 'fun' aspects of the marriage but required micro managing. After years of 'encouraging' him to play more of an active role at home she took a step back and realised that his inability to take accountability for a role was not isolated to their relationship but an issue across all areas of his life. They went on to divorce and although it was a difficult time, a few years on she is so much happier in herself and with the healthier life she has cultivated for her children.

Hobby is independent. Long hours of training. And as far as I can tell he totally takes responsibility at work and is very successful in his industry.

Whatever u choose to do to make him behave differently (!?) put a time limit on it. This could run and run and ur life will slip away....believe i know.

He won’t change, although to be honest if he’s doing his own washing and gift/card buying then that’s more than a lot of men on here seem to do. Maybe you need to see your day off work as a day working at home and doing all the “admin” - although how much admin is actually involved in an annual boiler service, banking, appointments and deliveries really?!

He won’t change and you don’t want to split so you either continue as you are or look at things differently, lose the resentment and spend your “day off” doing things to make the household run smoothly. Get a cleaner though as that will make a big difference.

I'd go full time and ask him to do the four days with all of the attached chores on the Friday. Then let him know that he's going to be organising the holiday this year. Tell the kids that their daddy is in charge of the holiday this year to give you a break. It'll be more difficult for him to wriggle out of the responsibility then. Write down all of the wife work you do and split the list between you both. Let him know that you won't be managing his stuff and let him get on with it.

although how much admin is actually involved in an annual boiler service, banking, appointments and deliveries really?!

You sound like DH.

Dentists, doctors, vets, flea-stuff, worm-stuff, holidays, finances, budgets, insurances, investments, maintaining a house, front and back garden, the car, the holidays, the kids clothes, kids activities, school admin, broken down stuff, birthdays, present buying for other kids birthdays... The list is endless and all mine.

Some people are happy to carry the entire load of running a family. I'm not.

Wonders aloud if Emily has time travelled from the 1950s slightly

Hi OP

Your DH sounds very like my STBX. He has now decided to leave me but I have tried for years to get him to pull his weight ( he also had a hobby). I went a bit mad trying to change things and eventually ended up extremely resentful and angry. It wasn’t actually until we had the leaving conversation that I truly understood he would never have changed and also that he didn’t really appreciate all the stuff that I did ( I kept thinking he must deep down).

Before he left I saw a psychologist and was like you - didn’t want to break up the marriage myself. The advice was that I then needed to find a way to accept the situation as it wouldn’t change and I was choosing to stay. I think my issue was I just couldn’t ever accept it - I have friends that do but I couldn’t.

I do understand the London house situation as that is my issue list split as well - and I will have to move to a flat with the kids. Even thought I am devastated and it is so hard though I can now see that I couldn’t have lived like that for the rest of my life.

Hi crumpets - thank you for your post. Really helpful. Are you staying in London? Have you got to move the kids school? How has it been?
And yes - I don;t think he will ever truly understand the extent of the mental load. He just doesn't get it that things just happen to make his life work, and he doesn't see it.

I agree that I am choosing to stay, but like you, I cannot accept doing everything for the rest of my life. So by choosing to stay I am choosing a life of anger and resentment. Something of a lightbulb moment.

Could you reduce some of the tasks so nether of you has to do them?
Amazon subscribe let's you order your flea and worm stuff to come when needed, same with things like detergent,
Hire a cleaner/gardeners/outsource what you can (cheaper than divorce)
What age are kids can they be responsible for their own rooms/laundry etc??
Then divide up what's left?
If you've done everything for 10 years he may not know what he's not doing.

(And yes yes of course he should always have been doing it, no she shouldn't have to show him etc, just trying to offer practical solutions to move forward)

Hi fulfulina

I’m really not sure whether I will end up in London or not - I could move to a less expensive bit and get something a bit bigger, or stay with a small flat and the kids stay at the same school. Have even considered moving back to where I am from ( as would have friends and family support whereas it seems odd just to move randomly to start again in London) but then need to be near STBX for the kids and there is the fact that my job is in a London!

My plan atm is to try and stay in the house for a year in the hope I can take a bit of time to work it out. The thing I have realised though is that if it wasn’t for the very real difficulty of the house/starting again I’d feel much more confident about the split. Which is another thing to ponder! Also I am devastated for my D.C. but again I hope they will see a better me eventually.

Lots of luck with whatever you choose - but don’t let it get to the stage where you lose the person you were because of resentment and anger ( which is pretty much where I was!).

Thanks crumpets - I appreciate your time to respond. It is an interesting point that if I was happy to move back home (which I'm not, but theoretically), I would have left years ago.

The housing situation is difficult, but probably not insurmountable In fact - I feel like every time we go through this cycle I get closer to divorce and start thinking through the practical issues of leaving. This time it feels like I might be perilously close to the tipping point.

Thinking about telling the DC really upsets me, but as you say, both of us will be happier so short term pain for longer term gain for the DC.

Thank you again and I hope everything works out brilliantly for you - you sound very sorted about things in your head, which I think is probably a huge help. I am beyond conflicted!

ShatnersWig you are hilarious - I obviously agree that the OP’s DH should pull his weight in the household. But if the OP is not willing or able to leave and her DH is not willing to change then what can be done? It’s a very difficult situation.

My DH is generally a lazy bastard and does very little of the household admin. I’ve long since stopped trying to force the issue but instead get him to do stuff that he is good at and willingly does. Difficult circumstances mean I am choosing to focus on the positive stuff at the moment while the kids are small, as resentment and anger is no good for a person’s health and wellbeing. But I will not do this forever.

fufulina - I guess because my STBX decided to leave ( he had at least an emotional affair) then the decision was taken for me . I don’t know if I would have ever got there myself.

I won’t lie separating is beyond hard and the impact of the D.C. really haunts me. But it has made me realise just how bad it had got and how resentful I had become and also how my world had shrunk. A key moment for me was when someone at work was talking about how your partner is always your biggest supporter ( I had a major piece of work and really needed not to be the one picking everything up and being responsible for the kids - which traps you as you can’t let them down) and I thought - well no actually. Plus saw others whose partners - whilst not perfect - were equal and even took responsibility without being asked!

Good luck

My key moment was a hen night where they were all going round the room asking what the person loved about their partner / husband. I realised he’d become such an obnoxious arse I actually didn’t love anything anymore :/

We used to be in a similar cycle to you and your DH. I'd do all the jobs re house and kids, every few months I'd explode because DH wouldn't pull his weight. Things would change for 3/4 days, then he would slip back. A few months down the line I'd explode again. We carried on like this for years because I felt I had no choice - lived abroad, little family support, SAHM, or mimimum wage jobs

Realising things would never change I told DH I wanted a divorce. He asked for 6 months to prove he could change and meet my expecttions, he also attended councelling.
In those 6 months, he learnt to cook, started doing the general cleaning and weekly shop and generally pulling his weight round the house and with the kids.

Initially, I was resentful and angry, because he was now doing stuff for the home/family he'd chosen to opt out of previously, but we're still together 10 years down the line and we have more equality in our relationship and are both happier.

With hindsight it's a shame it had to get to a point where I was prepared to divorce, before he took me seriously and actually listened.
Good luck whatever you decide

The thing is, if you split up you'll be doing even more and he'll be doing even less! Life's not fair!

Bibbidee, on the other hand the lifting of resentment makes the workload more bearable. It used to drive me up the wall when things didn't get done unless I did it or initiated it, yet there was another perfectly capable adult to think of it or do it. Now it's all on me and I prioritise as I please and I don't carry round any anger on top. (Plus lazy partners create more work). Life's simpler and calmer just me and the dc.

And EOW I have to myself to do whatever I like.

That’s if the EXH steps up and takes the kids EOW. I’ve got several friends who have divorced and the men who were previously good dads have just disappeared into thin air. Then have second families and reduce the child support too.

There are several things that need fixing in our house and have been that way for weeks. DH is there every day but hasn't done anything about sorting them. It's driving me up the wall!!

OP - if he doesn't get your point by now, I'm not sure he ever will...