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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Still not engaged

70 replies

Auntiechristmas · 01/01/2018 23:34

Been with dp for 8ish years. We have children together and still get on well(obviously we do argue occasionally!) I thought he might have popped the question over Xmas but no... I’m genuinely gutted. We love each other, we have a family, we have no intention of ever leaving each other. So why can’t we make it official? I want to have the same surname as him and my DC.
I told him I was upset that he hadn’t proposed yet and he said ‘I do think about it’. I’m obviously not going to leave him if we don’t get married but it just feel like it’s the last piece of the puzzle for us. All our friends are married and I feel a bit silly when they’re all talking about their weddings etc. I sound ridiculous but I can’t help how I feel

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 01/01/2018 23:35

Let's ask the usual question when it comes to this: "why haven't YOU asked HIM?"

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/01/2018 23:46

A proposal isn't necessary though. If you both know you want to get married then discuss with him that you want to start planning the wedding. Is he going to say that he doesn't want to marry you if you do that?

grobagsforever · 01/01/2018 23:59

Give me strength. Ask him. Why does he get the power? What's wrong with you? Arrrrrghhhhjjjjjjj it's bloody 2018 when will these types of posts end???

littlebillie · 02/01/2018 00:10

I think some people don't want to rock the boat getting married. You can discuss this with him without proposing. We were 5 years and our circumstances changed I need up know where we we going. A week later he proposed.

TheCraicDealer · 02/01/2018 00:45

How many of these threads have we had in the last month? Xmas and NY brings up lots of feelings about the passage of time, familial links, and seeing other people getting engaged over the holidays.

You will be asked why you don't ask him, and it's always a relevant point. Please do not say "you're traditional and want to be proposed to"- that's by far the most common response to that question. I don't want to be blunt but having children with someone without being married isn't traditional. Neither is giving them your DP's last name without discussing what you want to do longer term. If he was traditional and marriage was high on his list of priorities he would've asked by now, so if you sit around just making hints it won't happen unless he has a miraculous epiphany.

So you've got to ask him, or even just bring up the topic and ask if he ever sees you two getting married. He may see that happening "at some point" but just not have actually gone beyond that, in which case you saying "I want this" might jump start him into action. He may however say that no, he doesn't see the point in it, just a bit of paper, why fix something that isn't broken. And then you have a choice to make about how important it really is to you.

I do think those that come out with the "I'm traditional" line half know the response they'll get. It's easier to take the passive road and keep the hope alive that he'll eventually listen to the hints, rather than kill the possibility stone dead by him saying, "no". I appreciate that might not be your story, but the only solution to this problem is to talk to your partner.

boredofmyoldname · 02/01/2018 00:48

If you're only bothered about the name then you can change yours so you're all the same.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 02/01/2018 01:04

Great post by TheCraicDealer.

Tell him you want to get married this year and you want to sit down with him to set a date. Be clear in your mind first how important marriage is to you and what, if any, action you will take if he refuses to enter into it. Then be clear with him.

UnbiasedOpinons · 02/01/2018 05:15

You write

We love each other, we have a family, we have no intention of ever leaving each other. So why can’t we make it official?

Consider

We love each other, we have a family, we have no intention of ever leaving each other. So why ---- make it official?

ButteredScone · 02/01/2018 05:19

Get married or you leave yourself exposed financially/legally. You do not sound ridiculous.

If he is the right partner for you, what is stopping you discussing this directly and arranging a date?

Littlechocola · 02/01/2018 05:52

Change your name or ask him.

glow1984 · 02/01/2018 06:36

I’ve seen this kind of post so many times on MN and my answer/thoughts always are

Why don’t you ask him?
Why does there have to be a big proposal? Just discuss marriage, and if you both want to, set a date

After 8 years and kids, a fairytale proposal is a bit of an unrealistic expectation.

Psychobabble123 · 02/01/2018 07:01

Yes PP are right, if you want to marry him just ask him. If you wait for him you'll just feel more disappointed with every birthday/anniversary/Christmas that goes by. If he says no, well then you can think about what that means for your relationship.

InfiniteSheldon · 02/01/2018 07:09

I was in this position with the father of my dc and I wish we had really talked about it more I accepted the same answers as you and bit by bit it created a distance between us. I wanted him to want to marry me. I understand all the responses saying just ask him, say you wish to set a date but that wasnt it. Eventually we drifted apart and i left him He asked me repeatedly then but it was too late.

MrsDilber · 02/01/2018 07:13

I've been married 25 years and I get the all having the same name thing, that was important to me too. I don't think marriage is necessary though and I really don't get vow renewals at all. It's nice to have the day, have the memories, but not necessary if you're committed at heart.

Having kids with someone is more of a commitment than any piece of paper. You really are stuck together for the long haul when you have kids.

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2018 07:19

Having kids with someone is more of a commitment than any piece of paper. You really are stuck together for the long haul when you have kids.

Is it? You might be tied to someone (although you don’t have to look too far to see that deadbeat dads who won’t take any responsibility for their children exist) but having a child with them doesn’t give you the same legal protections as being married. Also, many children are conceived accidentally. How is that showing more commitment than a couple who actively chose to marry each other?

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2018 07:21

op, you need to decide how much of a sticking point not being married is and have a serious talk with your partner. Sitting around waiting isn’t going to make things change.

hlr1987 · 02/01/2018 07:23

Be honest with yourself, is it the romantic proposal you want as a gesture of validation or is it the marriage? My dh would be massively uncomfortable proposing- the speech at our wedding made him nearly sick. I told him I'd found a ring I liked and thought we should get married next year, not a proposal, but an unromantic discussion. We got married. I don't think I was made less happy by the lack of a proposal, and I got to know I hadn't made my husband actively unhappy expecting him to act in a way he wasn't comfortable with. It really doesn't sound like he's uncommitted to you, are you just hoping he will act in a way that isn't natural to him so you can go "look how much he loves me everyone!"? Marriage should be an equal, grown up decision, not something you passively wait for. If he's not proposed because he's oblivious or because he's anti marriage that's one thing, if you're expecting him to act completely out of character to make yourself feel better it's a little sexist and unreasonable.

Willswife · 02/01/2018 07:24

I was in the same position as you.

I told my then partner we needed to talk and then told him that I needed to get married. I had a whole speech worked out but didn't need more than the first sentence! I think he was relieved that that was all my "we need to talk" was about! His response was "okay, lets do it" and we married 4 months later.

I would still be waiting if I hadn't spoken to him and I think he feels a little guilty that he didn't realise just how important it was for me. We had children so I was unlikely to leave because of it, but I was prepared that this could be a consequence. If he had told me that he didn't love me enough to marry me for example then I wouldn't have stayed. Felt he was a pretty sure thing though!

Angelf1sh · 02/01/2018 07:41

I have absolutely no sympathy for these type of posts.

If you want to be married to him then ask him to marry you ffs. You’re an adult. You have agency. Stop giving somebody else that level of power over your happiness when you are more than capable of controlling it yourself. As another pp has said, “I’m a traditionalist” is simply not an answer here.

Cambionome · 02/01/2018 08:38

Does he realise that not being married puts you in a very vulnerable position financially and legally? (Apologies if you have already thought of that and protected yourself).

You are totally and completely within your rights to say that marriage is very important to you (for the above or any other reasons) and calmly insist on having a proper discussion about it. It's not all about what he wants!

chocorosco · 02/01/2018 10:08

I'm in the same boat as you with DCs. I did have the conversation with DP and like the posters suggest here, I asked him how he would feel if I asked him to marry me. He told me not to do that, it was his 'job' to ask me! That was over a year ago and he still hasn't asked. I hate the way we're supposed to wait submissively for that question to be popped which he says will be asked "some day." I find it controlling and it sends my blood boiling. I am now considering just changing my name via de-poll so that its the same as DCs as I'm not sure I now want to marry someone who wants to have such control over our relationship. It has brewed a lot of resentment from my point of view.

littlebillie · 02/01/2018 10:16

Choc you don't have to propose but you do need to know the plan as it's your life too. If he isn't committed better you know now than later on

ShatnersWig · 02/01/2018 10:34

Three days before this posting OP was expressing relief at not being pregnant again having asked MN to check her text result for her. Happy to ask strangers about that, not happy to ask her DP of umpteen years to marry her. Weird.

timeisnotaline · 02/01/2018 11:33

chocoid push to change the children’s nam to yours not yours to match a guy who can’t be bothered asking you to marry him. Tell him it’s becoming an increasing issue for you and if it is a deal breaker you will get the children more (assuming that’s true) so they should match your name.

flowery · 02/01/2018 11:38

”I'm not sure I now want to marry someone who wants to have such control over our relationship”

But you want to change your name to match his?

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