Still not engaged

[Auntiechristmas]

Been with dp for 8ish years. We have children together and still get on well(obviously we do argue occasionally!) I thought he might have popped the question over Xmas but no... I’m genuinely gutted. We love each other, we have a family, we have no intention of ever leaving each other. So why can’t we make it official? I want to have the same surname as him and my DC.
I told him I was upset that he hadn’t proposed yet and he said ‘I do think about it’. I’m obviously not going to leave him if we don’t get married but it just feel like it’s the last piece of the puzzle for us. All our friends are married and I feel a bit silly when they’re all talking about their weddings etc. I sound ridiculous but I can’t help how I feel

So many posts about this recently!

If marriage and sharing a surname with your kids is so important, then why don't you insist on marriage before trying for a baby?

You already live together and have a child - expecting a big romantic proposal is a bit backwards now!

If you live together, have children together, have no intention of leaving each other etc then why would he marry you? You are already committed to him so there is no incentive for him to marry you unless you make one. Tell him that you are unhappy and that you want to get married. Then he will do it to make you happy, if not, well, then that gives you something to 'think' about.

Ahh I get it and don't think you are being unreasonable. Any update OP?

Another ridiculous post from the likes of stickytoffee. Why didn't you do this before your children.... yadda yadda.
Black and white, backward Idiot.

Shatners I'd normally say that referring to previous posts s bad form but I've seen youall over MN today being an argumentative arse so I assume you just did that to be nasty

Yes OP, just ask him eh?

Think what you like. Although there are people who agree with me on all the threads where I've been, in your opinion, argumentative.

As for quoting previous threads, others do it and these days with so many journalists creating copy and previously banned posters returning to cause shit, I'm surprised even more don't check things out. If they did, they'd often save themselves getting over invested.

But I do think it weird someone who has barely ever posted can't ask the person they live with what result the pregnancy test is showing. Perhaps explains why they may not feel able to propose to their partner

others do it - oh, that's OK then

It's always bad form. In addition your point was tenuous anyway, to say the least

AS it happens I agree she should just ask. But I don't think not wanting to is weird.

As for the test, maybeher DP was out / away / asleep / at work - the results don't last forever!

I'm always struck by the 'why don't you ask him?' response to these posts. Clearly, if the OP was happy to be the one doing the asking she wouldn't be posting.

I have no idea if I'd ever marry again, and I'm a bit older so the whole names and DCs issu wouldn't apply. However, I am clear that if marriage was on the cards, I'd want my DP to be the one 'asking'. When I say asking, I'm not fussed about the whole proposal malarkey, but I mean that I'd want them to be demonstrating that this was something they wanted more than anything, that they wanted to be my husband and that they were willing to overcome any nerves etc to bring this about. I wouldn't want to feel that I was driving the whole thing, that they were at best ambivalent about it, and that they were just going along with it to keep me happy.

Having said all that, I have no idea why people seem to automatically give their DCs the father's surname, whether married or not, if both parents have retained their own.

Yeah, I'm an idiot because I don't want to have children without the legal protection of marriage

Anyway, it just seems a bit odd to me to want the traditional grand romantic proposal when you've already got a house and children together. At this point, marriage is about the legal commitment, so why not talk to your partner and father of your children, and go down to the registry office and tie the knot? What's the need for the grand romantic gesture after ten+ years?

Crikey shatners how terribly Sherlock-esqué of you! Not that this has anything to do with this thread but DP was in work and in meetings all day so no, I was unable to contact him. Plus, we have said that we don’t want anymore children due to potential medical issues. So it wouldn’t have been the best news.
Everyone else, thanks so much for your replies. We rushed into having DC so I guess the traditional thing isn’t going to work here. I dont want a grand proposal or a stupidly expensive ring. I do want to call him my husband. I’m 37. I hate saying ‘my boyfriend’ or ‘partner’(makes my skin crawl a tad!). We live like we’re married but yes, it’s important to me to have an official marriage.
I quite like the idea of just setting a date and skipping past the faf of getting engaged and dragging it out.
We do talk about getting married. We know where we’d get married and what type of wedding it would be. So it isn’t off the cards. I don’t want to ask him though.

So, we just had a brief yet very frank and open chat about this and I suggested we just skip the engagement and duck off to Gretna green. He didn’t look impressed! He said ‘I don’t just think about it. I’ve done Things about it... so you know what I’m saying?so can we just change the subject for now...’. Oh. Er. Right ok... not really sure what to make of this?!

That to me sounds like deflection and stalling tbh. I'd ask him exactly what he's done. If he's done anything then maybe he's bought or thought about buying an engagement ring. Which is totally pointless if he doesn't actually communicate or take action.

Rather than talk about eloping, could you just say that as we both know we want to get married let's decide on a date now and start to organise the wedding. One of you book a venue, the other sort a guest list out and organise the do afterwards, etc. Just be practical and matter of fact about it.

I’m with you sticky
I would no more have a child with a man I wasn’t married to and then give them his name than fly. Then there’s the legal and financial protection of marriage as well.
It’s mad to have kids then moan you aren’t getting proposed to.

He’s hinting that he has bought a ring and is waiting for the ‘right time’.

So either he has bought a ring and will ask soon, or he hasn’t but he wants to delay some more.

Hope it’s the former!

why do woman give their baby the surname of a Man that has not given the same name to the Mother ?

You’re not a lot further on really. He sounds infuriating.

Maybe because they're not bothered about names, they don't want to be "given" a name by a man (no man can give an adult woman a name), for example.

it IS about the name.. her Children now have a different name to their Mother... if it's not about the name then why did OP mention it ?

You asked about women generally, not just the OP. Clearly the OO cares about names, not everyone does.

Another one of these threads . . .

Do you want a big wedding or a small one op?

Quite small I think. Our friends are more ‘quality than quantity’ which is just how we like it

I'm asking my dp end of the year - if I can wait that long

I’d say he’s got things in motion. Give it 6months. My DP did it when I wasn’t expecting it. It wasn’t a birthday, anniversary, holiday etc. Just a random day when we were doing something we always do.