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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Still not engaged

70 replies

Auntiechristmas · 01/01/2018 23:34

Been with dp for 8ish years. We have children together and still get on well(obviously we do argue occasionally!) I thought he might have popped the question over Xmas but no... I’m genuinely gutted. We love each other, we have a family, we have no intention of ever leaving each other. So why can’t we make it official? I want to have the same surname as him and my DC.
I told him I was upset that he hadn’t proposed yet and he said ‘I do think about it’. I’m obviously not going to leave him if we don’t get married but it just feel like it’s the last piece of the puzzle for us. All our friends are married and I feel a bit silly when they’re all talking about their weddings etc. I sound ridiculous but I can’t help how I feel

OP posts:

Original poster

Auntiechristmas · 04/01/2018 08:26

Ah are you. Good on you. Don’t think I’m brave enough! Haha

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2018 08:28

That sounds like a stall to me. And not in a good way.

Angelf1sh · 04/01/2018 08:35

Sounds like a stall to me too. Unless he’s booked a sky writer or something spectacular where the date simply cannot be changed why wouldn’t he have just said it there and then? Reminds me of that post where they were perpetually ring shopping so that he never actually had to ask her.

ShatnersWig · 04/01/2018 08:54

So, when you told him the other day you were upset about this he replied "I do think about it" but a day or two later you raise it again and this time he starts saying he's not just thought about it but actually done something about it?

Odd he didn't reassure you the first time when you were actually upset about it, rather than in a frank and open chat. That would have been the more normal reaction. Or, an even more normal reaction would have been - had he actually done something - to have stopped you being upset by proposing to you. You know, if he wanted to actually do it.

Because, as others have said, what is there to DO? Unless he's come up with a flashmob to happen when you're out shopping or come up with some very elaborate scheme whereby you follow umpteen clues to find where he's hidden the ring?

Give him the benefit of the doubt, though. It's 6 weeks until Valentine's Day. If it doesn't happen then, I'd be pretty certain he's stalling.

chocorosco · 04/01/2018 09:53

Decide how long you're willing to wait... or atleast tell him how long you're willing to wait. Maybe "I would like to be engaged by September so that we can begin planning things." To take back some control. When September comes, he has a lot of answering to do if you're still not engaged by then and you get to decide whether you want to stay. Waiting and waiting is miserable. Like I said up thread, I was waiting a few years and I've since become so resentful, I don't want to marry him anymore. Had I have known it would take this long, I never would have given the DCs his surname in the first place. Our plan was completely different to how it has turned out. I had PND after DCs (not part of the plan) and we had relationship struggles as a result, this apparently put him off asking me... the resentment has built on that really. He still says he's planning something and thinking about when and how, but I tell him not to bother, it's just words and him stalling things. Hope it turns out differently for you OP xx

Original poster

Auntiechristmas · 04/01/2018 19:27

Valentines is a big anniversary for us so who knows...
I won’t leave him I’d we don’t get married. We’re pretty solid as we are and the DC are happy so I’d be pretty selfish to yo and leave over this.

OP posts:

Whisky2014 · 04/01/2018 19:38

I think it is in motion now.
But I also got fed up waiting and I picked a date that I decided if he hadn't proposed by, I would leave.
We actually just got engaged last month. I think you should give it up to 3 more months before you raise again.

Original poster

Auntiechristmas · 05/01/2018 11:59

Yes, I won’t be bringing it up again now. Will give it until valentines. If nothing happens then, I guess it never will

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2018 12:23

I think he is stalling as well.

I would force this issue now and ask him straight out whether he does want to marry you in future, do not wait until February 14th.

You may well love him but your own resentment may well likely build over his apparent stalling and otherwise refusal to marry you. You're basically in his eyes good enough to live with and have children by (they likely have his surname) but not marry. He does not want to make that level of commitment to you and I do not think you and he will ever marry. I hope I am wrong but have seen many of these types of threads before and they rarely if ever end the couple actually marrying.

Whisky2014 · 05/01/2018 13:36

I don't agree atilla. In fact i kind of ruined my own engagement because of Mumsnet making me paranoid and posts like the one you just gave. My partner said similar to the ops partner. I kept bringing it up and once and for all he then said he had bought my ring and was proposing in 2 weeks...So when we were off out for a weekend away I knew it was coming.
So OP, think carefully before going in all guns blazing. You know him, so do you think he was stalling or do you think he has planned something?

wombatron · 05/01/2018 17:49

I also don't agree. If you force the matter too much after this discussion you may put him off doing so even longer. If it's not the end of the world to you, wait till summer. Then if it bothers you ... propose to him is the obvious answer, the outcome will be the same if he wants to marry you

Original poster

Auntiechristmas · 06/01/2018 12:20

He isn’t refusing to marry me. He’s said he wants to. We decided where we’d get married a long time ago and still talk about it occasionally.
Who knows if he’s just stalling or if he does have something in the pipeline. Time will tell...

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/01/2018 13:54

Why can’t you, him, make it official?

It boils down to whether you care about it or not. Your posting flip flops on this. Posting in the first place, saying you were gutted you didn’t get engaged over Christmas, says you care. Saying you would stay in the relationship if you never got engaged/married says you don’t care about it, or reworded- that you do not place value on it.

IImho, your focus on other couples’ relationship progress is a mistake. They have nothing to do with you and their relationship is irrelevant to your relationship, iyswim. Your “baby daddy” (something worse than ‘boyfriend’ or ‘partner’, no?) may not want to feel manipulated into bowing to peer pressure.

Are you financially independent from your bloke? This is the crux of the matter. You need to be if you are not married.

Have you told him you will stay in the relationship regardless of being married or not? If so, I don’t see where you would have any leverage to “encourage” him to marry. You’ve moved in with sex on tap, have had and care for his children, and declared your everlasting loyalty: he has all of this without legally binding half his net worth to you. Why would he propose at this point?

I think he is stalling as well, sorry.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/01/2018 13:55

Lip service is easy and cheap.

extinctspecies · 06/01/2018 13:59

Jeez. it's 2018 not 1958.

Did feminism never happen?

You need to discuss your relationship & what you both want from it together like adults. Not wait for him to 'pop the question'.

DH & I did this almost 20 years ago, & it wasn't unusual then. Sometimes I think Society is going backwards.

MikeUniformMike · 06/01/2018 14:08

It's not about a wedding, it's about Your Legal Rights.
There is no such thing as a common law wife.
You are not your partner's next of kin.
If he dies, and the house is in his name only, you could be left homeless etc.

Cambionome · 06/01/2018 14:08

I agree with extinct.

Also op, please please stop being so passive; your needs and wants are just as valid as his and you are entitled to ask for them.

Don't spend the rest of your life tiptoeing around trying not to pre-empt something that he may not be intending to do anyway!

Also, as others have mentioned, make sure that lack of a marriage certificate is not putting you in a vulnerable financial position. Take control of your own life!

brusselsprout5 · 06/01/2018 20:12

In exactly same position as you OP and after reading your post & then replies decided to have the 'talk' about this too.

We've been together 9 years, have 2 dc together (6 & 3). Didn't really want to stir things up before & have always assumed we'd get married. But now after all this time I'm just sick of waiting for him to ask. I've obviously brought it up before, we talked about it when first got together, when I was pregnant, after children, assuming if I gave the dc his name it would mean something. I haven't wanted to ruin the proposal by telling him to do it but enough is enough!

Told it like it is, using some of the advice on here. We're not protected financially. I own house in my name only. No next of kin. I'm unhappy I gave our children his name, said I feel betrayed by his assurances that we would be a family one day. I'm the only one with a different surname. People comment on us not being married. I'm sick of calling him my partner or boyfriend as we're now late thirties!

Anyway all I'm saying is OP is good luck, I'm really glad I read this & have confronted this problem. I was full of anger & resentment & think it's impossible to know how this feels if it's not a situation you've been in. I love my DP with all my heart, I don't want to leave him but if he doesn't love me enough after all this time to marry me at least I'll know! Would love to know how you get on too. ❤️

2rebecca · 06/01/2018 22:48

When he said ""I've done things about it so you know what I'm saying?" why did you not just say "no, this is 2018, I'm an equal partner in this relationship what exactly are you saying and can we discuss getting married like 2 adults. If you've already booked a wedding then can you please tell me when it's happening, I'm not a 1950s teenager "

2rebecca · 06/01/2018 22:52

I really don't get why so many sensible women turn in to powerless little girls when it comes to marriage. Most mean are quite happy to not marry women but live with them and have the women run around after them without marriage especially if they are the main earners. If women want marriage they have to be clear about this and not move in with men and definitely not have kids with men until they get married.
If a man hasn't wanted to get married before having kids then why should he ever bother?

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