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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When the gaslightee won’t be gaslighted....

60 replies

BG2015 · 01/01/2018 19:37

A friend of mine has just ended a relationship with a guy she was seeing for about 2 years. She’s in her early 50’s and very intelligent ,independent, strong character, knows her mind etc. She’s had a fair few relationships in her time.

She ended the relationship because her ex didn’t consistently work and she just felt they weren’t on the same wavelength.

We talked about her relationship with him over Christmas and she said she was also aware that he sometimes tried to gaslight her, for example he would say that he told her things when she knew full well he hadn’t and he would say things purposely trying to get her to argue with him. He would also be adamant that he was right, even when she knew he was wrong.

My friend wouldn’t allow him to gaslight her and just ignored or agreed with a lot of it. But we got to talking about what a gaslighter would do if he never got a reaction? Would he ramp it up even more, end the relationship or give up?

I’ve never heard of anyone refusing to be gaslighted. Is it even gaslighting in this situation?

OP posts:

SylviaTietjens · 01/01/2018 19:41

A guy tried to do this to me once. I just thought he was an idiot, I knew what I’d said, he’d said etc. I just dumped him. I guess you either dump them, stay with them and call them on it whenever they do it, or get gaslighted.

ohfortuna · 01/01/2018 19:57

I think I might be tempted to think ok sunshine it's game on

you want to fuk with my mind I'm going to fuck with your mind even more ...,😈

Original poster

BG2015 · 01/01/2018 19:57

My friend said she called him out on a few things and once or twice he did back down and admitted he was wrong. She’s probably more intelligent than him and can be quite intimidating sometimes.

OP posts:

ohfortuna · 01/01/2018 19:58

Oh no don't call him out on it just play along with it and then when you get a chance to go in for the kill

sarahjconnor · 01/01/2018 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2018 20:00

I know a couple of people who gaslight because of childhood abuse. I think a person with good boundaries could work with their partner on this. Possibly.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/01/2018 20:01

She was with the gaslighter for two years so doesn't she already know how he would react to no reacrion?

Warmblanketfoot · 01/01/2018 20:15

Interesting thread

My experience of gas lighting lunatics is that they “test boundaries” first on small things?

So they start with little lies and if you overlook those for the “sake of the peace” or because you’re embarrassed FOR them or because you can’t be bothered, they escalate into this complete controlling mode/fantasy world with full on assault on your boundaries/reinvention of reality

I dunno if this works but I’ve noticed a lot of people with “good people skills” tend to be able to call these things out as soon as they happen?

Obviously NC is best, but I think gaslighters do hunt for people who let “little things go”, and then start escalating?

Some phrases I’ve heard are:

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t think that’s what happened, are you feeling alright”

“You need to work on your manners just a little bit ”

“That’s a bit...weird?”

“What made you say that? What a curious thing to say?”

Delivered in a fairly neutral tone of voice/expression?

Sort of letting them know you’ve noticed without having a big emotional reaction to it.

I think friends with good boundaries tend to say things like that?

Original poster

BG2015 · 01/01/2018 21:26

I had a male friend (in my 20’s) who was totally argumentative. He would really wind me up and I would rise to it.

He went on to marry my cousin and they subsequently divorced some years later. I always wonder if he was a gaslighter. I’ve never spoken to my cousin about it.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 01/01/2018 21:28

What sarah said
My father reacted the same if you refused to be gaslighted

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2018 22:02

I wonder if it's like bullying. The bully looks for a victim, some people stand up to them, end of game, some don't, game on.
So you both have to be doing the same dance.

Offred · 01/01/2018 22:18

Yes, what Sarah said. My ex did all that, then added desperate crying and climbing all over me pawing at me and demanding I comfort him because he was so sad (never sorry though and never wrong either).

elephantoverthehill · 01/01/2018 22:20

Warmblanket so many of the things you suggested ring bells. After 2 crap relationships I maybe still in denial, but I am getting there slowly.

Offred · 01/01/2018 22:23

With him it always went;

Attempt to gaslight.

Frightening rage.

Sustained period of throwing absolutely everything possible at me re my many many faults over the entire relationship, scoffing, sneering, rolling eyes, changing what I said.

Back and forth between 2 and 3 for a few hours.

Desperate crying neediness and self pity, pestering of me, pulling my arms round him if I didn’t want to cuddle him, sitting on me, grabbing me and forcing me into a hug.

But never ever ever admitting any fault, feeling sorry for me or even noticing or respecting how I was feeling.

elephantoverthehill · 01/01/2018 22:31

Sorry I know this is not my thread, but Offred this is so close to the bone.

reallyanotherone · 01/01/2018 22:35

I don’t think gaslighters are always aware of it.

My mother gaslights. She will swear i am misremembering, “i would never say/do that”, occasionally she flat out says “you’re making things up”. I do end up questioning my own memories or letting it drop because she manages to make me feel shitty and turns herself into the victim - i’m bullying her by saying all these untrue things.

Thing is I am not sure she does remember. I think she doesn’t realise what she says is actually fucking nasty and hurtful, and like i wouldn’t remember that i discussed the rain with my friend last week, she’s mentioned my weight so often she doesn’t recall talking about it. I’m fat, she knows I’m fat, and talking about me being fat in public is the same as talking about whether it rained yesterday —i’m not fucking fat—. Like the conversations we have are so unimportant they’re not even worth remembering.

Plus i think if she does remember she denies it even to herself, as she wouldn’t really say something so horrible, as that would make her a pretty awful person...

I can kind of understand that more than i can understand someone consciously lying to fuck with someone elses mind...

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 01/01/2018 22:35

Do you think some men do this on a lower level? Occasionally I will tell my DH he’s doing it and call him up on it. Usually he denies it but that’s generally the end of it.

Dlpdep · 01/01/2018 22:36

I’m no help - I’m busy wondering if it should be gas lighted or gas lit?

thisishard2 · 01/01/2018 22:49

Me too dipdep .

I think my stbx gaslights. I have instigated the divorce but it is very painful.

I think he is already in another relationship despite the fact that 2 months ago he was trying to manipulate me into staying. We are still living in the same house and he is obstructing the divorce.

If I were to bring up the fact that I think he is seeing someone, I am pretty sure that he would just shout at me and call me names. Not that he can't see someone, but hearing him having long phone conversations with this person while he is in the house, is very painful .

thisishard2 · 01/01/2018 22:51

And was he already with this person in some capacity when he was trying to convince me to stay? By saying things like he would he dead soon and then everything would be mine .

sonjadog · 01/01/2018 22:59

I’ve had a few encounters with men who have done this to me. The first I walked away from when I received an 11 page email describing my faults in relation to events that had never happened. I realized that I couldn’t fight that one. The second one I fought back and refused to accept his stories. It was exhausting and when he realized I wasn’t going to be bullied, he turned really nasty.

So from my experience, yes it can be fought against but it is exhausting and not worth it. It’s much better to just walk away.

Cantuccit · 01/01/2018 23:05

elephantoverthehill

Sorry I know this is not my thread, but Offred this is so close to the bone.

I think the thread is pretty general, if you want to share your experiences?

I hope you're out of those relationships

elephantoverthehill · 01/01/2018 23:09

@Cantuccit Thank you, yes I am well out of those relationships. I'm just trying to understand me.

birdbandit · 01/01/2018 23:14

My experience is the same. H lies, I don't accept lie, he questions my mental health, if I don't capitulate then it's full on rage and/or suicide threats until I back down.

It's exhausting. It can help to diffuse by having some noncommittal stock phrases such as "really, is that so", or "bless your heart" etc.

Really there isn't much hope of ever "winning". You won't ever get them to concede they are lying. If you can't out, then don't fight them, but KNOW that you are right.

elephantoverthehill · 01/01/2018 23:16

Bird how do keep up with that? I couldn't and didn't.

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