When the gaslightee won’t be gaslighted....

[BG2015]

A friend of mine has just ended a relationship with a guy she was seeing for about 2 years. She’s in her early 50’s and very intelligent ,independent, strong character, knows her mind etc. She’s had a fair few relationships in her time.

She ended the relationship because her ex didn’t consistently work and she just felt they weren’t on the same wavelength.

We talked about her relationship with him over Christmas and she said she was also aware that he sometimes tried to gaslight her, for example he would say that he told her things when she knew full well he hadn’t and he would say things purposely trying to get her to argue with him. He would also be adamant that he was right, even when she knew he was wrong.

My friend wouldn’t allow him to gaslight her and just ignored or agreed with a lot of it. But we got to talking about what a gaslighter would do if he never got a reaction? Would he ramp it up even more, end the relationship or give up?

I’ve never heard of anyone refusing to be gaslighted. Is it even gaslighting in this situation?

grass avoiding triggering is enabling and rewarding the behaviour. Can you get away?

RunRabbitRunRabbit - thank you for the concern. MN can be so lovely. I am away - the person isn't my partner but a relative. I do see the relative but its manageable now.

Grass pigeons, exactly the same here. I actually start to question my own memories.

Last time i challenged her she trotted out the I don’t know what happened, we used to get on so well, why are you saying all this stuff. We have never, ever got on well. What she means is as a child i just stopped showing my feelings and pretty much did what kept her happy. She brought up again about me going to uni, she was so proud i did well etc. Forgetting that was never my career path, she disapproved of what i actually wanted to do (to the extent of turning down a job abroad on my behalf), i chose a path she was happy with and could brag to her friends about.

She swears she has never mentioned my weight and it’s all in my head, and i finish the conversation thinking maybe i have read too much into innocent comments. But I remember it. More than one occasion. She said it was someone else, she remembers me telling her about it. I’m thinking maybe i have got my body issues from elsewhere and am misguided blaming her. But there’s so much more.

Do gaslighters do this to everyone or just certain people e.g. if you have siblings were you all subjected to it? Or just one child?

I can’t believe that there are so many people who have suffered through this.

Again, I think it depends on the gaslighter and how severe their problems are.

They may do it with just one person who they particularly feel they need power over (insecurity in their ability to manage that one relationship), they may do it as a way of managing particular types or groups of people (e.g. children) feel they need power over (insecurity re managing those types/groups), they may do it indiscriminately to everyone (general insecurity at their place in the world).

This is why you get people who don’t do it with people of their own gender but do it to all people of the opposite gender, or why you get some people who do it to all their children/partners, or why you get people who do it to one particular child/partner.

In my experience they just try to push your buttons over something else -keeping going until they do, in a moment of your weakness, score a reaction from you and then they pounce. It’s exhausting.

In my experience they do it in ways that make it hard to verify with others or in ways that make you feel silly/ashamed/petty/guilty to discuss it with others.

My siblings and I started triangulating stories as adults. We rarely get to the the truth but we sure as hell spot the bullshit. Also helps us know it is them not us.

Multiple members of our huge family are like this. Motivations are many and varied.

I am pretty sure they "infect" each other with poison which makes it worse.

For example, one now elderly toxic evil person has a son who is an alcoholic and all that goes with it. I genuinely believe her parenting pushed him there. That has no doubt affected the lives of his estranged partner and his child.

She has a few enablers who cover up for her, minimise, give "reasons" for her behaviour, worry about her mental health and generally walk on eggshells / always cave to a tantrum or sulk (and see the acting out as their fault for not managing her better), etc.

The enablers/martyrs in turn tended to marry abusive controlling types of varying degrees, the children grew up to be enablers, martyrs, addicts or abusers themselves. And so it goes on.

The gaslighting parents might not do it to all children, but they certainly triangulate between the children, and manipulate all.

Hard to explain. They’ll do anything to stop you being a ‘team’. Because once you do team up, you smell all the bullshit of your childhood.

full on toddler meltdown that can be very amusing to watch

THIS. My mother is a 70 year old toddler. Towards the end before going NC, I stood up for myself more and more. Her toddler tantrums were actually quite funny when I stopped being scared.

Even my father doesn’t scare me now, and he’s a violent cunt.

Took me a long time.

Anyway, my best advice for my 3 children, is how to spot a narc. What behaviour is a red flag, not allowing myself to be treated like shit. Hopefully then, they’ll spot the bastards before any damage is caused.

gluteus - I wish my DM had done that for me. When I started dating a gaslighter when I was 20, his behaviour took me by surprise and I had no idea how to handle it, and ended up very depressed, dependent on him and every little crumb of kindness he dropped my way (he sent a red rose every Friday, but never washed up when I had driven 3 hours to his place and couldn't find a clean cup).
He died a year ago, and I'm itching to ask his widow what he was like with her (they had separated but not divorced)