Help. Please. I think my husband assaulted me last night and I don't know what to do. (Trigger, maybe?)

[INeedHelp2018]

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, sorry, but I don’t know what to do. I feel sick and so confused and I really need some help.

Last night we had some friends over for drinks and we both (DH and I) drank a lot. We went to bed around 1am and I was feeling a bit woozy so I gave DH a kiss and a cuddle and then said goodnight and rolled over to go to sleep.

[Back story - our sex life is not great at the moment, for a number of reasons, the main one being the fact that we have three small children and I am knackered all the time! I have also struggled a lot with my confidence and self esteem. DH has been getting more and more frustrated and has openly said that he looks forward to me having a drink because I am less inhibited and therefore he is more likely to get lucky. So I’m sure that’s what he was after last night and he was definitely disappointed when I said I was going to sleep.]

I was sort of dozing, not really conscious but still aware (I was really very drunk!) and I felt him touching me and moving my clothes. I think I just rolled over and I know at one point I definitely fell properly asleep but I sort of half woke up again and realised that he was pushing himself into my mouth. I feel sick writing this. It’s all a bit hazy but I think he penetrated me anally too, and possibly other stuff but I’m not really sure.

I don’t know what to do, can someone help me please? He is acting like nothing happened and keeps asking me why I’m not speaking to him. He has been at work all day and only just got home so I haven’t had to see him, but now he won’t leave me alone. I’m actually starting to think maybe I dreamt it, but I don’t think so.

I’m so confused.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. This is rape, husband or not. What you do from here is really up to you - could you call Rape Crisis and have a chat about what's happened? My concern for you is that this is a line that's been crossed and may well happen again. I know how difficult it is when it's someone you love and have a life with but this is an horrific thing to do to your wife. If he's asking why you're upset you should damn well tell him, and that you haven't yet decided what to do but he will be sleeping elsewhere for now. Is he at all violent or threatening in other ways?

I would say to him "I'm not speaking to you, because I know what you did last night. And you know what that was, and I'm disgusted with you".

And see what he says. Whether he denies, minimises, says he thought your sleeping body was "up for it".

I think you know you didn't dream it. I'm really sorry he did this to you.

Hi, it sounds like he knows what he has done as do you. You know he has violated you, the question now is what do you want to do next? Is there someone in real life you can talk to? Don’t let him confuse you. You need to report this as an assault ASAP can you call family/friend to come to you now? Whatever you do now do not let him know what you are thinking. Keep posting on here, sending you a big hug x

He raped you; would you consider calling rape crisis or the police? Is there somewhere else you can stay tonight?

Oh gosh you poor thing . You really need to ask him whether he did do this to you and let him know it's rape and inform the police . So sorry op

What will happen if I speak to the police? I don’t want our children to see him taken away by the police or anything like that.

I just want him to go away so I don’t have to mention it ever again really. I feel dirty and so shocked and sad that he would do something like that.

He is not usually violent (although he can be a bit shouty and aggressive sometimes) and I never thought he’d do anything like this. I’m now wondering if that was stupid and he may have done it before.

I don’t want to say anything to him about it, I don’t know how. I feel sick even thinking about it, I am not sure I could actually get the words out. It was hard enough writing it down.

Thank you for your replies. I feel very alone right now. I don’t really have anywhere I can go, I don’t want to have to tell anyone what’s happened.

I'm so sorry op but he raped you. Alcohol is never an excuse and the fact that he 'won't leave you alone' suggests that he know what he has done and is attempting to minimise it.

Another vote for contacting Rape Crisis if you feel up to it and perhaps see if you and your children can stay elsewhere tonight so you can think about what you want to do.

You're in shock - that's completely normal when someone you trust abuses you like this. This is how men like this get away with things like this every single day. It's absolutely devastating and confusing, and that's a completely normal reaction.

I would speak to a charity in the first instance and talk through what's happened, talk about getting you some immediate help and support, about your reporting options etc. I know you just want the problem to go away but unfortunately that's not going to happen. I'm sorry. He knows what he has done and he will be watching your reaction. He probably doesn't consider himself or rapist or that he's raped you, he's probably minimising it to himself just as much as you want to minimise it.

Is it likely this has happened before? Do you drink a lot often / are you a heavy sleeper? I don't drink much and I'm a very light sleeper so I would absolutely know, but that's not the case for everyone - and you should be able to drink and much as you want and sleep as deeply as you want without being concerned for your safety around your own bloody husband.

You could go to a SARC and they will talk you through reporting and give you the option whether you want to or not.

You can fake illness with him to keep him away if you can’t bring yourself to say it to him in the meantime while you work out how to get away.

You could tell him directly that you want him away because of what he did last night.

Fake illness for now to give you time to think & process. Sleep on the sofa, that way you can ring the rape helpline later. The last thing you need right now is to be confronting him. We are all here for you x

Offred - what’s a SARC? Sorry if it’s obvious, I just couldn’t work it out.

I do think I need to speak to someone. I just feel really embarrassed though. I’m not even sure how I’d get the words out.

It is possible that he could have done it before. I don’t drink heavily often but I have had a few ‘big nights out’ this year. My sleeping patterns are not great so when I do eventually fall asleep I sleep quite deeply. I usually go to bed quite a while after him because he gets up for work very early, so he’s usually asleep before me, but he could have woken up in the night, I don’t know.

I just don’t want him in the house or anywhere near me right now. Or ever, possibly.

Sarc = sexual assault referral centre. Im sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine how u must feel. Be gentle with yourself and please don't blame yourself.

So sorry, that is pretty serious rape. If you were raped anally you will likely have bruising as. I think you should strongly consider going to the police.

Yes sexual assault referral centre.

You find your local one here

You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You are not dirty.

It is rape.

He has likely done it before, and will do so again (bitter experience here)

I'm so sorry he did this to you.

Please contact rape crisis.

They will have heard everything, and will not judge you, or force you to do something you aren't happy/sure about.
They will listen, give you advice.

I didn't report my ex for identical rapes.
I wish I had now, but at the time I would have not been able to cope with it.

Can you ask him to leave to give you space?

Op please ring Rape crisis and Explain what's happened . It sounds like he has done it before because of the comment he made about how he likes you drinking . Please don't let him get away with this

OP this happened to me. I know exactly how you feel. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. He has raped you. I’m sorry. You will be shocked right now. I think you need to tell him to go, right now. It is probably not the first time he has done this. Make your own decisions in your own time about reporting it. But please bear in mind the physical evidence will not last long

I have told him to leave. He said that ‘nothing really happened’ but that he is sorry. He wants me to forgive him and for us to work things out. I can’t even look at him right now, I don’t want to speak to him or be anywhere near him. I feel like I might throw up.

He is insisting that he didn’t have sex with me but I know he did, I didn’t dream it or make it up. He says he is disgusted with himself, but that doesn’t change anything does it?

I know you are all saying I shouldn’t feel dirty or ashamed but I do. I can’t talk to anyone about this, people I know I mean. What am I going to say when they ask why he’s left?

Say you found out something about him you couldn't forgive and you don't want to discuss it. People will probs think affair/prostitutes and not ask.

Have you got a close friend you could talk to? Sister or parents?

He is horrible, please don't feel ashamed but at the same time you don't have to tell anyone what happened if you don't want to.

He is disgusted with himself but insisting he didn't have sex with you

He knows he did it for sure!

Just say “ we needed some time apart, I’m sure you understand that I don’t want to talk about it “.

Wanting to throw up , feeling shaky and confused is totally normal.

Have you been to a sexual assault centre today or phoned rape crisis ? please do so if you possibly can. Phone a friend or family member to stay with the kids.

Why is he disgusted with himself if he hasn't done anything? He knows exactly what he has done and is minimising.
You don't have to tell anyone anything.

Personally I would wait for him to go out then change the locks / leave the key in the door so he can't get back in. There's NO excuse for his behaviour and he doesn't deserve to be in the same house as you. What a **

If he is insisting he didn't have sex with you then why is he saying he is disgusted with himself? He clearly did it!

Really sorry that this has happened to you.

I think you should consider going to one of the sexual assault centres and getting an examination to make sure you are ok. You don't have to have the police involved but they hold copies of the examination report and any evidence in case you change your mind in the future.

The ones in London are called the Havens.

All you have to say to anyone who asks is that things aren't working out at the moment and you're taking some time apart. You have no need to say any more than that unless you want to.

You should not feel ashamed or dirty, there is no blame attached to you at all and your H knows this full well. He's trying to minimise it.

This is in no way your fault, keep telling yourself that and more than anything else take all the time you need to decide how YOU want things to go from now on. What he wants is not important at this stage, please don't let him push you into doing anything, brush everything under the carpet, forget it ever happened etc etc. You decide what suits you and when it happens.

Be kind to yourself.