Help. Please. I think my husband assaulted me last night and I don't know what to do. (Trigger, maybe?)

[INeedHelp2018]

I’m not sure if this is the right place for this, sorry, but I don’t know what to do. I feel sick and so confused and I really need some help.

Last night we had some friends over for drinks and we both (DH and I) drank a lot. We went to bed around 1am and I was feeling a bit woozy so I gave DH a kiss and a cuddle and then said goodnight and rolled over to go to sleep.

[Back story - our sex life is not great at the moment, for a number of reasons, the main one being the fact that we have three small children and I am knackered all the time! I have also struggled a lot with my confidence and self esteem. DH has been getting more and more frustrated and has openly said that he looks forward to me having a drink because I am less inhibited and therefore he is more likely to get lucky. So I’m sure that’s what he was after last night and he was definitely disappointed when I said I was going to sleep.]

I was sort of dozing, not really conscious but still aware (I was really very drunk!) and I felt him touching me and moving my clothes. I think I just rolled over and I know at one point I definitely fell properly asleep but I sort of half woke up again and realised that he was pushing himself into my mouth. I feel sick writing this. It’s all a bit hazy but I think he penetrated me anally too, and possibly other stuff but I’m not really sure.

I don’t know what to do, can someone help me please? He is acting like nothing happened and keeps asking me why I’m not speaking to him. He has been at work all day and only just got home so I haven’t had to see him, but now he won’t leave me alone. I’m actually starting to think maybe I dreamt it, but I don’t think so.

I’m so confused.

Hello OP
I'm so sorry to read this.
First up..THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
You asked what will happen if you go to the police.
You will be examined and DNA samples taken and evidence seized (bedding clothing etc).
A statement will need to be given.
You will be treated with respect,understanding and empathy by professional,experienced officers.
He will be arrested and interviewed and possibly keep in for the next available court if cps agree sufficient evidence of to charge.
If charged and bailed it will be with bail conditions to not contact you directly or indirectly.
You will be given practical advise on finances and help coping with this.
Please seek professional help.
This is a very serious offence and you need help and advice to process it in the best way for you.
If not dealt with and you bottle it up it won't go away.
It is irrelevant if you were drunk or can't remember everything,it is not your fault.
Please ring the police and or the rape helpline.
My thoughts are with you

Reporting is difficult but it is worth bearing in mind that living with not having reported can be more difficult. Reporting can be empowering too.

If you can’t face SARC and examinations consider calling victim support to talk it over.

It is a very normal response to feel ashamed and dirty, this is because you have been violated in a very intimate way, not just at a physical level but also at a spiritual and emotional level.

You are not dirty and you do not have anything to feel ashamed about though.

He on the other hand does.

‘Disgusted with himself’ is an admission really isn’t it? He knew what he was doing.

He is insisting that there was no penetration but I am sore in ways that tell me that this is not true.

I have told him that I don’t want to hear anything more from him and that I want him to leave. He said he will go but he wants to come back and talk when I have ‘calmed down’. I can’t even think about that right now, I just want him really far away from me.

When you 'calm down'? . Jesus! The fucking cheek. He's lucky he's not in the cells and he thinks you need to calm down. I'm fucking furious on your behalf!

Lie to get him out of the house. Tell him you'll talk to him in a week and use that week to get your ducks in a row.

OP, I would get yourself examined so that you have medical evidence of penetration. Then you can decide what to do with that evidence even if it's only to stop you doubting yourself.

No no no. Even if there was no penetration he has sexually assaulted you. Don't calm down. You deserve better than this scumbag.
I really hope you have someone irl to talk to.

If you usually use condoms, take the morning after pill as soon as possible.

Please listen to what Offred is saying.
She gives very good advice.

op I know how hard it is to mentally process this shit.
It took me years and a lot of self medicating with booze and drugs to admit thats what my ex did. It's a shitstorm of emotions....guilt and shame, pain, heartache....

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

Oh sweetheart. My heart goes out to you. Some great advice on this thread, and I want to echo the suggestion to get the morning after pill asap.

@INeedHelp2018 goodness I am so sorry to read of your situation.
It worries me that this sort of thread is not as rare as you would hope it to be. @Aminuts23 I saw your post and remember reading yours. I hope you are doing ok.

I would only echo everything @Offred has written
He can’t deny it one minute then say he’s disgusted with himself the next. What a pig.
His behaviour is disgraceful. It’s entitled, misogyny and violation at its worst. You are his wife, the mother of his children; and as such should be cherished not abused like this. Letting you get plastered so he could take advantage instead of looking after you? I could never forgive him.

I know you've said you were drinking and sometimes sleep very deeply, but I'm concerned that if he was able to hurt you, without you becoming totally conscious, that there's more to it. Is it possible he drugged your drink? I would have a good look through all his stuff, op, including anywhere you wouldn't normally be, in the house, in case there's evidence of drugs.

OP he raped you. More than once from the sounds of it.

You have nothing to be ashamed of: you didn't rape anybody.

Hold your head high. You've had something awful done to you by someone you trusted.

There was nothing you could have done differently.

He should have done things differently (as in not done them at all).

He is disgusting.

You as as beautiful as you have always been, inside and out, low self-esteem or bristling full of confidence. You maybe don't feel that way today, because you're in very justifiable shock. His actions doesn't define your worth in any way.

His actions define the sort of person he is: a rapist.

And check out my username.

OP how are you now?💐

I hope he's gone ok so you've a chance to get your head around things, without him about, clouding everything.

Were the kids in the house? If he was consciously trying to get you so drunk you that he could rape you then he was also showing a complete disregard to the safety of his three young children as you would have been incapable of helping them if they needed you.

Sorry that I didn’t come back last night. I am OK. Well I’m not, but he didn’t stay here last night so that part is OK. He is coming back tonight because I work in the evenings and he needs to look after the children, but he can go again once I have finished work.

He is still insisting that it was not as bad as I think, but I don’t believe him. He seems to have convinced himself but I know what happened and how I feel. Apart from anything else I am in pain and that didn’t happen any other way.

I am not going to report him. I know what he did was awful but he is still the father of my children and I don’t want to risk them ever knowing what he did. So I will just deal with it myself. I don’t know what is going to happen going forwards but I feel a bit more in control today and I am just going to focus on enjoying the last few days of the school holidays.

Thank you for all of your kind messages, advice and support. It’s all been really helpful.

Iits normal to need time to process these things but it doesn't mean you can't have an anonymous chat with one of the organizations listed earlier.

If you decide to stay then I'd ban alcohol from the house and I'd refuse to ever drink in front of him again. It's not worth putting yourself or your kids safety at risk. I'd suggest banning him from drinking but I'd imagine that wouldn't work.

You don't have to report him.
But you absolutely cannot just deal with this yourself.
It will eat away at you.
Please contact Rape Crisis.
You don't have to take action against your H but they can help you with counselling and local support services.
You won't be ready just yet.
You have a lot to process.
But you will need some professional support in the near future.
Please don't deny yourself that.
Get the support and help you need to deal with all this.

I’m glad you are OKish and that he stayed away.

Please don’t feel you have a duty to update this thread but equally, please do feel free to come back if you need the support.

I gently second hells re the support.

It is normal to wildly swing between wanting to pretend it is not happening and feeling overwhelmed by the enormity and confusion. You can change your mind at any time re reporting (even years later), if it helps to know; there will be anonymity so your children would not need to know exactly what he has been reported for (I have told my DC my ex hurt me in a criminal way and so he has been arrested).

It is very important though that you make a choice that you are OK with. The majority of people never report so you will have access to a lot of support and understanding even if not reporting continues to be your choice.

Try to eek out as much space from him as you can and take your time to consider what you want to do.

He has been back this evening to look after our children while I went to work but has gone again now. He kept trying to talk to me, trying to justify what he did (?!) but I told him I didn’t want to hear it and that he needed to leave.

He said his parents have suggested counselling so I said I assumed he hasn’t told them what has actually happened!

I hate him for doing this to us. I really thought we would be together forever, we have been together since I was 18 and I can’t imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else. But now I don’t want to be with him either.

I don't blame you for not wanting to be with him.

He has well and truly lost your trust and only has himself to blame.

Ugh what a knob. Well done you for staying firm on this. He isn't who you thought.

So sorry op. Please do get the support you need even if you don't report him.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this OP

I'm another recommending contacting rape crisis. Women's Aid can also help.