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Original poster

Confusion over the meaning of getting engaged.. would love opinions

56 replies

JustWonderingNYE · 31/12/2017 21:36

Happy NYE to all. Just a quick question regarding how you'd understand this... Dilemma with DP. We love each other very much though this year we've had a number of pretty intense arguments partly owing to some stressful life circumstances. Nonetheless we do feel we can work through them and things have improved immensely recently.

More recently we have been discussing getting engaged (to the point of discussing ring styles etc). DP has said that he wants us to be engaged by July as we will be going abroad then for a family event. However, this evening I asked him how long he felt an engagement would be before marriage. His answer was 'until we're as happy as we can be.' I feel like this isn't enough - surely if you're confident enough to make the decision to get engaged then it's with a view to marrying soon (like within a year or eighteen months).

I don't want him to ask me with a plan for there being a 'long engagement' of years and years until he feels we're at this magic 'as happy as we can be' moment. I'd like him to be asking me with confidence that I'm the person he loves and will be happy with. I feel like if he's not confident enough to want me as his wife within a reasonable amount of time post engagement then it's not really a 'real' engagement and doesn't count.

Just be curious to hear people's opinions on what it means to get engaged and when it's a good time to do it?

OP posts:
Enidthecat · 31/12/2017 21:40

To me if you get engaged you should be in a position to set a date you're both happy with. Whether that's 2 weeks away or 3 years (for whatever reason)

"Until were as happy as we can be" would not cut it for me!

coursedarlin · 31/12/2017 21:41

For us it was 5 weeks from asking to the big day so I can’t really answer! But for me it would be that they are committed to making you their wife in the near future, not in a few years time.

Angelf1sh · 31/12/2017 21:41

In my book you’re already engaged. You’ve discussed getting married and you both want to do it. You’re engaged.

I don’t understand long engagements either, it’s just however long it takes to organise the wedding.

itsgettinghotinhere80 · 31/12/2017 21:45

Imo you're not engaged unless you set a date shortly after one of you asks the other and you say yes. If someone is engaged and I ask when the wedding is and they don't know then I don't consider them really engaged. To me it's "engaged to be married" not just "engaged". He's not talking about getting engaged, he's talking about getting you a pretty ring, fairly meaningless really.

Shmithecat · 31/12/2017 21:45

The whole phrase is 'engaged to be married'. If there's no start to actually planning the wedding, I wouldn't be getting engaged tbh. Dh and I got married within 3 weeks of getting engaged. 2nd marriage for both of us so we didn't bother too much with a 'do as such.

ScreamingValenta · 31/12/2017 21:46

To me, it seems odd to say you intend to get engaged in July - I see engagement as an intention to marry, so if you're planning an engagement, you've already indicated the intention to marry.

I can understand a long engagement if you're saving up for a wedding, or perhaps if you have another life-event to get out of the way such as buying a house or going through pregnancy; I don't see the point of a long engagement for its own sake.

I agree that there's no point in getting engaged unless you're sure you want to get married. To sum up - the engagement should happen as soon as you're both sure you want to get married; the wedding should follow as soon as reasonably practical. That's just my opinion.

museumum · 31/12/2017 21:46

I would expect an engaged couple to be setting a date. Even if that is up to two years away due to living away or qualifications or babies.

Original poster
JustWonderingNYE · 31/12/2017 21:47

Ahh thank you for these replies!

@Angelf1sh I suppose it's a question of making that decision 'official' and public knowledge through an engagement? I know what you mean and we have sort of talked about that aspect of it too.

I just don't think an engagement should happen if you're not 100% convinced that someone already makes you 'as happy as you can be'? Has caused quite the debate here tonight (not at all heated ;) )

OP posts:
BlackBetha · 31/12/2017 21:47

To me being engaged just means you've decided to get married. It's not a thing in and of itself.

Maybe to you and your partner it means something different, though, because to me it doesn't make sense 'discuss getting engaged' - surely you discuss getting married?

Do you think he actually wants to marry you, or do you feel like he's stringing you along with the promise of engagement status?

Justmuddlingalong · 31/12/2017 21:47

What significance does the trip in July have?

Angelf1sh · 31/12/2017 21:49

I agree with you there op - if you’re not convinced you make each other happy then definitely don’t get married.

flowery · 31/12/2017 21:49

Engaged means you’ve definitely decided you are going to get married. Either you are in a position to set a date or are only not doing so for logistical reasons- ie not because you’re not “ready” or any such nonsense.

Rockandrollwithit · 31/12/2017 21:50

I personally think that the point of getting engaged is to start planning the wedding. DH and I were together for 7 years before getting engaged - we knew we wanted to be together but were waiting for jobs, finances etc to all come together. Then we got married 6 months after getting engaged.

Maybe ask your partner when he sees you actually getting married?

TheweewitchRoz · 31/12/2017 21:51

I told my DH (boyfriend at the time) that I didn't want a long engagement so only propose if he was happy to get married within 12 months! We were married 11 months after getting engaged Grin

For me, it was about the marriage - I knew I wanted the stability, joint future, house & DCs etc. The engagement was a means to getting there, nothing more.

Mybabystolemysanity · 31/12/2017 21:51

DH and I got engaged very early in the relationship. Too early, really (he proposed and I hadn't the heart to say no).

Took another 8 years to actually be ready to get married. We went through N awful lot in that time and it was only out the other side that I knew it was the right thing to do.

You have to be happy being unhappy together iyswim. Good luck!

sausagerollsrock · 31/12/2017 21:52

I don't see the point of getting engaged for the sake of it. The idea is that you are engaged to be married. I think a date should be set pretty much as soon as you're engaged. Whether that be 6 months or 6 years away.
I have a friend who has been engaged for a few years and refers to dp as fiancé but I find it silly as they have no intention to get married.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/12/2017 21:53

If I were you I would be firmer with your expectations. Say once engaged officially you can start planning the wedding and setting a date, whether it’s 6 months or 2years.

If you are concerned this will delay the engagement then figure out if this is what you really want or seat an engagement deadline.

sausagerollsrock · 31/12/2017 21:53

Just to add I told my dh that if we were to become engaged then we would be setting a date as soon as. We married exactly a year to the date of engagement.

CocaColaTruck · 31/12/2017 21:54

You get engaged when you've set the date for the wedding, surely?

Gemini69 · 31/12/2017 21:54

I was married 6 months after engagement Flowers

pallisers · 31/12/2017 21:55

I just don't think an engagement should happen if you're not 100% convinced that someone already makes you 'as happy as you can be'?

I agree with you OP. To me an engagement means you have decided this is the one for you and you want to marry them. The engagement signifies a(n unnecessary) public announcement of this and that you are actively planning to get married.

I would not agree to marry someone who wasn't 100 percent sure he wanted to marry me.

(Historically getting engaged had legal consequences - the person who breached it could be sued for breach of promise and would certainly be subject to a lot of social approbrium (lots of Trollope novels turn on this point - was there a proposal/engagement or not). In fact further back, a betrothal was regarded as as good as a marriage so if you were betrothed to one brother and then married another, you might need church dispensation. In Ireland property acquired while engaged - ring/family home - might be subject to different legislation than property disputes between non engaged couples (family law act 1981 I think) probably all changed now.)

DramaAlpaca · 31/12/2017 21:55

For me, getting engaged means publicly announcing you are going to get married and starting to put wedding plans into action. We lived together for six months, then got engaged and our wedding was 15 months after that.

ScreamingValenta · 31/12/2017 21:56

We got engaged in February and got married in June - it was a very small wedding, though.

SheepyFun · 31/12/2017 21:57

Another one who would say that getting engaged means you have the definite intention to get married - we couldn't set a date immediately as I had an overseas assignment of unclear length (though with a definite maximum limit); we set a date once it was clear when my assignment would end. But we definitely saw engagement as a precursor to marriage, not an end in itself, and with a date by which it would have happened.

LML83 · 31/12/2017 21:58

as others have said when you get engaged you make a plan to get married.

We took a few months to find venue then date that suited was 15 months later.

Circumstances may change, money or having a baby may mean wedding plan change/be delayed but I think the engagement is the decision to get married not to get engaged hoping at some point you will want to marry.

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