Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Confusion over the meaning of getting engaged.. would love opinions

56 replies

JustWonderingNYE · 31/12/2017 21:36

Happy NYE to all. Just a quick question regarding how you'd understand this... Dilemma with DP. We love each other very much though this year we've had a number of pretty intense arguments partly owing to some stressful life circumstances. Nonetheless we do feel we can work through them and things have improved immensely recently.

More recently we have been discussing getting engaged (to the point of discussing ring styles etc). DP has said that he wants us to be engaged by July as we will be going abroad then for a family event. However, this evening I asked him how long he felt an engagement would be before marriage. His answer was 'until we're as happy as we can be.' I feel like this isn't enough - surely if you're confident enough to make the decision to get engaged then it's with a view to marrying soon (like within a year or eighteen months).

I don't want him to ask me with a plan for there being a 'long engagement' of years and years until he feels we're at this magic 'as happy as we can be' moment. I'd like him to be asking me with confidence that I'm the person he loves and will be happy with. I feel like if he's not confident enough to want me as his wife within a reasonable amount of time post engagement then it's not really a 'real' engagement and doesn't count.

Just be curious to hear people's opinions on what it means to get engaged and when it's a good time to do it?

OP posts:

Original poster

JustWonderingNYE · 31/12/2017 21:58

Again thank you so much for these replies! I always felt that an engagement should signify getting married within a year (unless there was an agreed logistical reason too). I mentioned some of the points raised here in reply to DP and he said 'OK then it's until our finances are sorted.' He then said 'name a date' and I said 'within a year.' He has now put a silly wedding song on

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 31/12/2017 22:04

People don't always fix a time when they get engaged. But obviously it is an intention to marry in the future. I think a poster said once she'd been engaged for 20 years. I think that's pushing it just a bit. If you're very young then I can see the point of long engagements if not then I can't. But I suppose it's up to the individuals.

Viviennemary · 31/12/2017 22:04

Cross post. That's sweet!

flowery · 31/12/2017 22:08

DH and I got engaged when we were 18 and didn’t marry until we were 22 as we were at university (separately) in the interim. But getting engaged was a definite decision that we intended to get married.

Original poster

JustWonderingNYE · 31/12/2017 22:10

I suppose I want this (marriage) because to me it's an indicator that we've truly decided on one another and are devoted to spending our lives together. But I don't want an engagement that peters on for years until he decides 'yep, peak happiness has been attained, time to seal the deal.'

OP posts:

SlightlyJaded · 31/12/2017 22:17

Are you both 'truly decided on one another' though OP? I might be wrong but I am getting a feeling that the 'engagement' is all about 'taking the next step', rather than you both coming from a position of 'We are 100% sure we are committed for life . We want to grow old together'.

Sorry if I have underestimated your feelings, but i you love eachot her enough that you want to get married, you should both be jumping from the rooftops with happiness, and keen to set a date.

Ceebs85 · 31/12/2017 22:18

I just see it as a promise to one another that you will get married at some point.

PositivelyPERF · 31/12/2017 22:19

It's like dangling a carrot in front of you, so you don't wander off.

ElephantsandTigers · 31/12/2017 22:19

Dh proposed and then said he didn't want a long engagement. We married nine months later as the weather would be better then.

As happy as can be sounds very wankery and a cop out in advance.

Original poster

JustWonderingNYE · 31/12/2017 22:20

@SlightlyJaded - I know I'm 100% at that point, I'm hoping DP is too but get a bit worried when he says things that sound vague..

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 31/12/2017 22:21

Engaged is planning a wedding. I don’t like your bfs approach.

Original poster

JustWonderingNYE · 31/12/2017 22:22

@Elephantsandtigers - 'wankery' made me giggle (that might be the red wine). I guess I want to know it means 'this is definitely happening' not 'you have a ring but nothing's changed.'

OP posts:

Paintspotsonthefloor · 31/12/2017 22:24

Engaged to me means you set a wedding date. I don't understand engagements that are longer than, approximately a year. Actually, I don't get engagements of longer than a few months, but I am trying to be generous here.

There is no moment of perfect happiness. He needs to understand that if your marriage is to have any hope of a) happening in the first place and b) lasting.

Original poster

JustWonderingNYE · 31/12/2017 22:24

Should probably add we do have a joint mortgage on a house together (and a very naughty cat..)

OP posts:

cloudyweewee · 31/12/2017 22:24

My DH proposed when we had been together 6 months. It came straight out of the blue but I said yes straight away. The next day, we fixed a date for the wedding in the following Summer. Why get engaged if you're not going to set a date??

gail734 · 31/12/2017 22:25

I once worked with a young woman who was delighted to be proposed to and given a ring. She was often seen in the wedding dress department (we worked in a big store). When the alleged groom noticed what she was up to, he told her to calm down ... they were "just engaged." She was gutted when she realised that he had no intention of setting a date: he'd basically just given her a ring to keep her happy, or so he thought. She gave him his ring back.

ElephantsandTigers · 31/12/2017 22:25

I didn't marry the boyfriend who told me when we'd be getting engaged. My very wise boss said what's the point in planning to get engaged? Just got married.

I'm not sorry I didn't marry him but she had a point.

mindutopia · 31/12/2017 22:37

Yes, I think you're right. I don't think the marriage date itself has to be immediately imminent (like if there are good reasons it has to be in 2 years, then that's fine), but it does mean you are choosing to marry and create a life together and you are 100% sure of that decision and ready to take that step as soon as it's possible to do that (whatever the extenuating circumstances might be). I agree I think it seems a bit disingenuous to do it and then be like I'm not ready to get married because I don't know if we're happy enough being together. You should definitely be at that point before getting engaged. Otherwise it comes across as doing it just for show, for the congratulations or to be able to share the news with family, etc. rather than it being about the marriage, which is what it should be.

My dh and I were long distance before we got married (for 2.5 years, 11 hour flight apart in different countries). We got engaged in January and married in September. It was quick for immigration reasons (needed to be married really to ease the process of moving to be together), but also because we got engaged knowing we were ready to be married. I think it's totally fair to ask him to wait until he's truly ready to be married.

greenapplesplatter · 31/12/2017 23:40

I think that over the years 'getting engaged' has become a thing of its own. I don't agree with that, it's not a commitment as such. We have a couple of friends who have been engaged for 10+ years - that's not the idea. The idea is to be 'engaged to be married'. If you're not in a position to set a wedding date or commit to a certain length of engagement then don't do it.

Personally we didn't even get engaged, we were on holiday & just decided the skip it all & go straight for the wedding!!

MaisyPops · 31/12/2017 23:50

Engaged to me means we are planning to marry.

Prior to engagement DH and i had discussed what we wanted long term and knew we were on thr same page. When he proposed it was because we were going to marry and actually plan to do it. Neither of us particularly understood the point of a long engagement with no fixed marriage date as there's no point in our opinion (plus at what point do you sit down and say 'we have been engaged 5 years and still have no date yet. Sort it out!')

To us it is to be 'engaged to be married' not we are engaged so come to an engagement party and then at some point we might actually get married.

BackforGood · 01/01/2018 00:00

I agree with most. 'engaged' is a shortened form of 'engaged to be married'. So you are 'engaged' when you start to plan your wedding.

Sn0tnose · 01/01/2018 01:19

We set a date shortly after getting engaged. It was a three year engagement because we wanted plenty of time to save (huge wedding, paid for it ourselves and didn't want to go into debt) and because we wanted a specific date. Although it was a long engagement, we began planning straight away. Otherwise, what's the point? He might as well have bought you a pair of earrings.

isthismummy · 01/01/2018 10:33

A couple I know got engaged last year. They put an announcement on facebook saying "marriage will definitely be in our future plans at some point"

I was engaged some years ago to a man who wouldn't set a date. I'm the end I gave the ring back. It lost its meaning. It was just an expensive, pointless bauble.

My DH and I got engaged in December 2016 and got married in the Summer. No fucking around.

If you want to marry somebody you name a date and do it! I don't like your DP attitude at all. I'd be extremely wary op.

KatyaZamolodchikova · 01/01/2018 10:43

I told DP from the start that if he were to propose then I would expect him to be ready to set a date, organise a wedding & get married. Which is why we got engaged after 7 years, and are getting married next year (15 months engagement to wedding). It’s taken us this long to both be comfortably where we want to be with money, jobs, security etc, although we have talked about getting married to each other from the start. We both always knew we would marry, but the engagement happened when we were ready to get on with it!

Jaygee61 · 01/01/2018 10:45

I also think it’s silly to get engaged if you have no plans to marry in the foreseeable future. We got married a year after we got engaged.

I think some people see it as a way of moving a relationship to another level, as a remedial action when things have started to go a bit wrong, just as some people will get married or have a baby for the same reason. It doesn’t always work.

Flip

1 2 3