Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

partner says no one will want me

59 replies

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 15:08

so, after two years of trying to leave my husband I finally did it, we are amicable.we just grew apart.
Anyway, so he is still very good to me, always making sure I'm ok and helping out with things.
This morning while he was over to pick up some paperwork he asked how I was doing being single, he then smirked and said 'well you do realise no one will ever want you, two kids, stretch marks, socially anxious and Moody'
He saw he upset me, gave me a hug and said I'm sorry that all slipped out but its the truth plus you nag too much.
I got angry and told him to get off me and get out, He honestly has not ever said anything remotely nasty to me ever so I overreacted I think.
He then said the only type of guy who'll want you will be overweight ugly and boring and then you will realise what you've lost in me.
it's true during the last year of marriage I nagged none stop and hated myself for it but my husband was absolutely useless at doing anything and I mean anything and I hated how I had become.
I can't help feeling upset about what he said though, I'm raising my kids in a religion that may seem strict to people and I do have a problem with social situations, I just clam up. Also although I'm in great shape I have a ton of stretchmarks. That's more than enough to put anyone off.
I don't have any hope do i?

OP posts:

Olgivy · 30/12/2017 15:10

He is a piece of shit, and you shouldn't let that man come in your house ever again. How dare he? I'm not surprised you have anxiety when you have people like that around you.

isitmyturnyet · 30/12/2017 15:12

You absolutely do have hope. You ditched that shallow, nasty arsehole for a start. He’ll be the one who struggles, I’d imagine. You did not overreact! In fact, you are under reacting.

Littlefrogletx · 30/12/2017 15:12

Your ex is a nasty abusive prick. How dare he say that. Take no notice.
I assume he is an Adonis?

MerryShitmas · 30/12/2017 15:12

Don't listen to him.
Even if it was true only a nasty cunt says things like that, and it says more about him than you.
I'm covered in scars, overweight with stretch marks from the bottom of my stomach to the top of my rib cage. I also have a facial hair problem.
Still not short of suitors, because I'm not a dick like your ex I presume.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 30/12/2017 15:15

he then smirked and said 'well you do realise no one will ever want you, two kids, stretch marks, socially anxious and Moody

Ok. First off he's a complete cockwomble, obviously. I'm staggered there was a point you put up with him so even he must have his up sides.

Seriously, think about it? What does he get out of saying that. Decode it. What's the win in it for him? Your answer is here.

'the only type of guy who'll want you will be overweight ugly and boring and then you will realise what you've lost in me.'

What he actually means is 'I'm getting really scared because you're obviously ready to pick a good relationship instead of the lousy one you had with me, and I'll have no control over you and will have lost you permanently'.

Honestly. 'You're so dire that you really have to take me back cos I suck but I'm all you've got' is no kind of offer. He's desperate, he's really stupid too, and you're well shot. Go find the way nicer person he knows he's about to lose you to.

hevonbu · 30/12/2017 15:15

"Sour grapes"!
"A Fox one day spied a beautiful bunch of ripe grapes hanging from a vine trained along the branches of a tree. ..."

chatty1234 · 30/12/2017 15:16

My ex said similar things to me knocked my confidence big time. How wrong he was there are great guys out there who will love every part of you even your stretch marks!! I should know I've loads.. He just doesn't want to see you moving on. Prove him wrong OP he's an idiot nasty man.

SparklyUnicornTractors · 30/12/2017 15:17

Btw most women have stretchmarks and that includes supermodels and tv icons, and many very shy people are very happily married. Those are not major downsides!

43percentburnt · 30/12/2017 15:21

No doubt this is his way of trying to get you back. Well done for getting away from him - he is now showing his true self.

If the social anxiety bothers you and you feel like you would like to change maybe now is a good time to tackle it - new year, new you and all that.

I’d be dressed up to the nines with a smirk on my face and my car keys and bag in my hand next time he comes over, and he wouldn’t be stepping a foot into my house or laying one ‘caring’ finger on my body!

Original poster

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 15:23

When we split up it was more because we grew apart (and I got sick of his laziness) he was never abusive emotionally or otherwise and to be honest he used to build up my confidence a lot.
He has already moved on, he seems happy I don't think he wants me back.
I've not been dating as I'm enjoying being by myself and concentrating on my children.
I feel like he wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true.

OP posts:

SonicBoomBoom · 30/12/2017 15:26

he then smirked and said 'well you do realise no one will ever want you, two kids, stretch marks, socially anxious and Moody

Two kids. No biggie at all. People have children. That's life. If you're at the age where you have children (assuming you weren't a mid-teen mum), then chances are that men your age will have children too. Or at least not be surprised if a woman does have children.

Stretch marks... You've have children. Loads of people (including men) have stretch marks. Very, very few people care. Truly. They really don't matter a jot.

Socially anxious - You can work on that. Probably part of the problem might be anxiety generally. And I'm sure life with your man child ex-h exacerbated that.

Moody - again, no bloody wonder, living with him.

He saw he upset me, gave me a hug and said I'm sorry that all slipped out but its the truth plus you nag too much.

You nagged because you were with him, in a shit relationship, with a man child. When you meet someone who is an functioning independent adult, who doesn't need to be "nagged" to fulfill the minimum obligations of life or expect you to do it all for him, you won't nag. You'll be a happy, carefree joy to be around

Anyone would be moody and a nag if they are in a crap relationship where one party is not pulling their weight. Because then you have to do the work of two people, and it makes you tired and very resentful.

fantasmasgoria1 · 30/12/2017 15:30

Nasty bastard! Both my exes told me that and it turned out to be totally the opposite! Of course what he said is rubbish. He sounds like he doesn’t want you to move on and be happy. He knows deep down that men will find you attractive and it bothers him. Ignore him.

Notreallyarsed · 30/12/2017 15:33

If I had £1 for every time my bastard of an XH told me I was ugly, unlovable, nobody would ever want me, useless, fat blah blah blah I’d be quids in!

He also uttered the peach “you’ll never meet anyone like me again” oh thank fuck for that!

(Incidentally after 4 years alone (my choice!) I met DP who loves me, extra weight, stretch marks, anxiety and desperation and all!)

SparklyUnicornTractors · 30/12/2017 15:36

There's a difference between wanting you back and not wanting to see you move on, forget him and be happy with someone else.

Wankycandles · 30/12/2017 15:38

An old ex of mine was very keen on saying stuff like this. Also gems like 'you've got to realise that you're never going to do better than me'.
Unsurprisingly, I've done much better than him, as will you

labazs · 30/12/2017 15:38

after years of feeling negative about myself reinforced by jerks telling me i am fat ugly worthless i have now found someone who tells me he loves me thinks i am beautiful and loves me as i am

Tinselistacky · 30/12/2017 15:38

I am at my own admission a top bitch. I also have a few stretch marks. I met an amazing, handsome and kind man who loves me and all my hoards of dc!!

fantasmasgoria1 · 30/12/2017 15:40

I have stretch marks on my stomach. My body is fairly slim so my stomach hangs a little, is baggy and covered in stretch marks. My partner doesn’t give a shit. He fancies me and loves me. I said when I met
Him you will hate my stomach and he said he fancies me whatever and only a shallow man would give a shit about such things! I’ll bet you are beautiful, a nice person way too nice for him and you will meet someone amazing who loves you for you!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/12/2017 15:40

It didn't just "slip out". He said it all to hurt you

Antheanna · 30/12/2017 15:51

Ha! my x used to say that to me but he really didn't want me to leave. Funny that.

The difference between me and my X was that I'm not afraid to be on my own. I'm not afraid to look at my part in a fiasco and consider why I made those choices. He can hear nothing above the ''all everybody else's fault'' that does laps in his brain. I have learned so much about myself and about human nature and egos and self-esteems and self-efficacy and the sort of person I want to be since I left him. He is right back in the same place just controlling a different woman.

At the time I feared that he was right but being on your own is not worse than being with somebody so awful that they believe nobody else would want you. Wouldn't bother again unless I was with somebody who believed that they were lucky to have me as so many others would want me too.

Leave him to it. 2018

Original poster

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 15:53

Thank you everyone, it's great to hear that you've all found someone better and that it can happen.
I do need to work on my anxiety for sure.
The rest, stretchmarks etc I cant change so I'm glad to hear it doesn't bother men.
I've only been with one other man before my ex and he used to get drunk and tell me how worthless I was and after him my ex was amazing he built my confidence so much, but I guess he was feeling bitter today or something.
I appreciate all the replies they've honestly made me feel so much better

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 30/12/2017 15:55

Your ex’s comment says everything about him and nothing about you. He tried to hurt you because you don’t want him, classic twat response.
Stretch marks are so common, I’ve rarely come across someone who doesn’t have any. My belly looks like Freddie Krueger had a strop and I’m waaaaay bigger than I should be, yet DP tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me every day. You’ll find someone who loves you and finds you attractive because of who you are.

Original poster

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 15:59

by the way I'm truly happy on my own right now, Its so nice to do things how I want and when I want and not have a grown man to mother as well my children.
I want to concentrate solely on them right now.
But I do have these thoughts in my head that I'm not good enough anyway so it's nice to hear that so many of you have moved on and have partners who love you as you are.

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 30/12/2017 16:02

I just realised I made it sound like you can’t be happy without a man and I’m really annoyed with myself I was bloody happy for 4 years on my own and wouldn’t have given that up for anyone but DP.

But when you start to doubt yourself, just remember, you are more than good enough, you are worth more than you realise and you are fucking awesome! (Just ignore my implication that you need a man to be happy, it wasn’t meant and not what I’d ever say!)

Antheanna · 30/12/2017 16:04

It is isn't it?! Freedom has a lot more gloss than a restrictive exhausting relationship.

nohopeleft it's a long enough journey getting your head back in the right place. I would advise reading a few books about self-esteem and building it.

Marisa Peer on youtube has some clips and ted talks about not feeling enough. They're worth a listen.

Also self-efficacy as I read Anne Dickson's ''A woman in your own right'' (recommended by a m-ner ) and it was brilliant, loads of recognition and insights in there for me. But I gained confidence from feeling in control of my own life and for a long time even though I wouldn't let anybody treat me badly I felt powerless to make the changes I wanted to make in my life. So apologies if I'm overwhelming you with advice which would be more appropriate down the line.

Flip

1 2 3