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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner says no one will want me

59 replies

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 15:08

so, after two years of trying to leave my husband I finally did it, we are amicable.we just grew apart.
Anyway, so he is still very good to me, always making sure I'm ok and helping out with things.
This morning while he was over to pick up some paperwork he asked how I was doing being single, he then smirked and said 'well you do realise no one will ever want you, two kids, stretch marks, socially anxious and Moody'
He saw he upset me, gave me a hug and said I'm sorry that all slipped out but its the truth plus you nag too much.
I got angry and told him to get off me and get out, He honestly has not ever said anything remotely nasty to me ever so I overreacted I think.
He then said the only type of guy who'll want you will be overweight ugly and boring and then you will realise what you've lost in me.
it's true during the last year of marriage I nagged none stop and hated myself for it but my husband was absolutely useless at doing anything and I mean anything and I hated how I had become.
I can't help feeling upset about what he said though, I'm raising my kids in a religion that may seem strict to people and I do have a problem with social situations, I just clam up. Also although I'm in great shape I have a ton of stretchmarks. That's more than enough to put anyone off.
I don't have any hope do i?

OP posts:

Antheanna · 30/12/2017 16:06

I like her. Find her easy to listen to.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/12/2017 16:07

Perhaps it's time to put up some boundaries.

Why is he still 'helping you out with stuff' by doing this it keeps you in your place. Start standing on your own 2 feet. If he 'helping' with the children then he takes them out away from your house.

Why does he still have paperwork at your house. If you are separated/divorced then box all his stuff he has left at your home and tell to take it to his home.

As long as you are have these 'nice' chats it opens the door for him to abuse you more.

Joysmum · 30/12/2017 16:10

he then smirked and said 'well you do realise no one will ever want you, two kids, stretch marks, socially anxious and Moody

And yet he kept trying to keep you and he wasn’t good enough for you.

You hurt him by leaving. He knows you better than anyone else and what he said was calculated to inflict maximum hurt.

If what he said was true he wouldn’t have wanted you either. He can now see you’re ready to do better in life not being held back by him so he’s trying his best to make sure you don’t. Don’t fall for his shit!

Original poster

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 16:11

notreallyarsed sorry my last post wasn't in response to you I understood what you meant and i dont think you sounded like you cant live without a man. I'm happy on my own but if someone awesome came along that would great too.
antheanna thank you I will look into what you've recommended, I appreciate the advice.

OP posts:

Original poster

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 16:17

He still has paperwork here as he says he's not had time to take it all over to his place and reorganize it, he's very very OCD about things and the thought of moving things makes him frustrated.
He also comes over a lot as we thought it would be good for the kids to see us get along and to make it easier for them to see him. our eldest took really really badly to us splitting up and is having therapy. I wanted to show him we were friends and that we could get together as a 'family' now and then.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 30/12/2017 16:21

Oh wow 😮

Haven’t you had a lucky escape... 😆

He comes over to help out - does he now ..nods head knowingly, I bet he does

What a fucking creep

That hasn’t worked op

So he’s now undermining your confidence by insulting you

TBH is stop the hugging, visits etc and be a little more cordial - keep him at barge pole length away from you

Be assured he’s worried you’ll move on and I bet you’re an attractive lady inside and out

Ohyesiam · 30/12/2017 16:22

Where do I start?

You were NOT over reacting.

The definition of a nag is someone who is not being listened to.

He is feeling insecure, and had to make sure you do to. Don't give him the pleasure.

Keep him OUT of your life. Civil, good communication about the kids, not obstructive, but DEFINITELY not in your house, chatting.

When you meet someone who cares about you, the will see you for who you are, and love you for that, not for any perceived perfection/ imperfection.

Feeling rubbish about stretch marks is rubbish for casual sex. But keep your standards high, look for real connection and chemistry, and I promise you it will all be fine.(this is the voice of experience, can you tell?)

This is not 1964. Men will not be put off by your kids.

And finally, I'm really sorry you have been so insulted. It speaks volumes about him, and says nothing about you.

labazs · 30/12/2017 16:28

i had five years on my own it was just what i needed i used to keep jumping into ridiculous relationships which only served to bring me down so the time alone gave me time to sort myself out when i met my partner i could choose if i wanted a relationship or not not just jump in cos i didnt want to be alone

MeMeMeMe123 · 30/12/2017 16:30

Antheanna

Thanks for the great advice and links... I'm over two years down the road and still not strong as I'd like.
The process has been dragged out for longer due to lack of funds and sheer intransigence on his part.

I suppose what I'm saying is, OP, establish boundaries, keep things civil/cordial and amicable will follow. Understand he will say just about anything to undermine your confidence and choices right now.. its almost to be expected.

There's always hope. Always x

JGK0 · 30/12/2017 16:34

"He has already moved on, he seems happy I don't think he wants me back. "

Ever thought that "Ms Move On" may have sussed him very early and moved on herself?

If he's as useless as you say, he is he may be (albeit tactlessly) trying to engineer a return to what he once had.

Original poster

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 16:42

To be honest his new woman seems to do everything for him and seems to want to do it, I always refused to do 100 percent of the housework and which Is why I nagged him.
But he seems to have found a partner who is perfect for him and I'm glad for him.
I knew he would find it easy to move on.

OP posts:

elfieonshelfie · 30/12/2017 16:55

Oh good she he sounds like a delight! What a wanker! Sounds to me like he is in a shit place in his life so he is trying to make you feel shit! I can't say what I'd be telling him but it starts with F and end with F too. I am so mad with what he has said to u!

elfieonshelfie · 30/12/2017 16:55

Oh gosh he sounds like... that first line should say

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2017 17:04

It is confusing for children if it is unclear if you are together or not. Uncertainty is the worst for children.

Stop all the behaving as a family. Stop keeping his stuff at your house. Make it clear to the children that the marriage is over. It would be clearer if took them to his place for contact and never came into your house. Then it is clear that he's still their dad, just living in a different house. You are still their mum but not in a relationship with their dad.

When it is clear what's what, children adapt quickly. If they don't know what the new normal looks like then they can't adapt.

misscheery · 30/12/2017 17:04

Oh well. You have stretch marks and he's being an asshole. Guess which one is worse Plus you're one step ahead only by dumping the asshole

gingergenius · 30/12/2017 17:18

gingergenius · 30/12/2017 17:20

Can I just ask whether there was any kind of similar unkindness while you were together? Nothing to give you an idea that he was this heartless?

Original poster

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 17:30

gingergenius no in fact he built me up. if I ever commented on how I looked or he saw I felt bad then he would always tell me I was beautiful. That's why I was so update at what he said because I thought if he s saying it it must be true

OP posts:

Aturkeyisnotjustforchristmas · 30/12/2017 17:32

Geez, you most certainly didn't over reacted. He's a king size knob head and it's brilliant that he's an ex. You need to move on without him being around, he's no good for you.

gingergenius · 30/12/2017 17:35

Then pay it no mind @nohopeleft

BarbarianMum · 30/12/2017 17:44

I guess you hurt him when you dumped him - now he's bitter. Doesn't mean you were wrong then or he's right now. And actually who does or does not want you is not the piint. The point is you didn't want him (which is likely why he's bitter now).

offside · 30/12/2017 17:48

He obviously thought that he would be back in your bed by now OP, and has realised that isn’t going to happen. Just ignore.

I also don’t understand ‘men’ who throw the comments it about no one wanting someone because they have kids...he also has two kids or does that not count?! Does he just see the kids as your responsibility but now you’re not together he is absolved of all parental involvement. What a cock.

Original poster

nohopeleft · 30/12/2017 17:49

upset not update

OP posts:

movingtowardsthelight · 30/12/2017 18:08

Remember, always, you are amazing.

You will find yourself again. Do not take his comments, they were aimed to hurt you and nothing more.

My partner loves (LOVES) my wobbly bits, my slightly flat hair, my vertically challenged height. He has restored my faith in men after decades of being put down about my appearance by my ExH.

Love yourself, leave these hurtful and nasty comments behind. I did, it’s the best decision ever made.

You have the rest of your life to look forward to. And you are, just as you are, somebody’s idea of perfection.

Find that special person.

Whocansay · 30/12/2017 19:10

He's negging you.

I bet his new relationship isn't quite as rosy as he would have you believe. This guy is not your friend. You cannot trust what he says.

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