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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm a secret still.

67 replies

Polly92 · 30/12/2017 10:29

I started going out with my bf in May of this year he split up with his wife in November 2016. I know, I know it all happened a bit quickly. He has 3 kids with his wife. We are generally happy most of the time we love each other and spend 4 out of 7 days together. I'm still a secret where his ex and kids are concerned, his youngest is 12 and oldest 16. Am i wrong thinking that by now it should all be out in the open? When she phones him I have to be quiet. When i go back home he won't let me leave as much as a hair band on the side. I feel like because I'm a secret he is ashamed of me or am I just being silly?

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 30/12/2017 10:31

Sounds like he’s still with her

FaFoutis · 30/12/2017 10:31

It sounds like he is protecting his children or his access to them.

TheVanguardSix · 30/12/2017 10:34

Oh stop indulging this wanker who wants to have his cake and eat it to.

It's not normal post-divorce behaviour. Don't buy into it. It doesn't matter why he's behaving this way. It matters that it's totally disrespectful of you.

This is not a good, loving, healthy relationship. Don't you deserve better?

SandyY2K · 30/12/2017 10:35

I refuse to be a secret. That's for mistresses.

Hassled · 30/12/2017 10:35

I doubt he's ashamed of you - but for whatever reason he's very scared of upsetting the wife. It could be genuine concern for her mental well-being - i.e. he doesn't want to see her upset anymore than she already is - but after a year plus of separation that seems a bit odd. Why is she phoning him?

There's bugger all you can do except start making ultimatums (which you'd have to be prepared to carry through on), but do you really want to be with a man whose main priority is his ex-wife?

disappearingninepatch · 30/12/2017 10:41

I don't think it's personal, i.e. that he is ashamed of YOU. I just think he's trying to make life easy for himself. I wouldn't stand for this, OP. Do you spend 4 days a week at his? I would tell him you are not prepared to be a dirty little secret any more and then stay away. Leave the ball in his court.

HorseItIntoMe · 30/12/2017 10:43

He’s either still with her or wants to hedge his bets (ie if it doesn’t work with you he can try and get back with her)

Please don’t stand for this bullshit

Trust me I’ve been here !!!

LesLavandes · 30/12/2017 10:43

OP, I am a secret also, from from my bf's parents! They are a different culture and will never accept me (I found this out after 7 months). I have told him I won't be anybody's secret. Now I need to walk away - somehow.

Your situation seems as if it may be temporary. Talk to him. Good luck 🍀

Pootlebug · 30/12/2017 10:44

I met my boyfriend 6 months after I ended my marriage. I didn't tell ex or kids about him for the first 10 months we were together. Because my ex took our split very badly (threatened suicide), and because he was being difficult over the divorce and I thought it would make matters worse.
I did however talk to my boyfriend about all of this and explain my rationale. Have you talked to him about it?

rainbowstardrops · 30/12/2017 10:45

It’s a bit weird in my opinion. I can understand him not wanting you to be around if his children are staying with him but I can’t see why he wouldn’t want them to know about you at least.

chatty1234 · 30/12/2017 10:50

Does his friends know about you? If yes then I wouldn't worry as maybe he doesn't know how ex will react and he could be protective of his kids. If his friends don't know or you've met none of them then I think it's a red flag

thingymaboob · 30/12/2017 10:57

There's no good second guessing on mumsnet. You need to ask him why he's keeping you a secret.

Angelf1sh · 30/12/2017 11:06

It’s one thing not to have met his kids yet but quite another to have to be silent if he’s on the phone to them. You need to ask him why this is happening and then decide if his answer is good enough for you (whatever it is it wouldn’t be good enough for me now, 7-8 months is long enough to have your relationship acknowledged)

BewareOfDragons · 30/12/2017 11:13

You should know why he's acting like this so you can make an informed decision about whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

If you think he's lying, end it.

If you think his explanation is pants, end it.

If you think his explanation has merit, talk about an ending to the secrecy.

Good luck, OP.

Pavonia · 30/12/2017 11:33

OP I agree that this is not normal behaviour unless there is a very specific issue, in which case he should explain that to you.

My kids were a similar age to his when I separated from their dad. My ex started dating pretty much straight away and explained to the kids that he was doing that. When he met someone he was serious about he told me and introduced her to the kids, that was about a year after our break up (he had probably been seeing her 2 or 3 months) and it was totally fine.

When I started dating I told the kids about it because I don't want to be lying to them and they are old enough to understand. If I was serious about someone and it was going well they would meet my kids.

It may be time to have a chat with him about how he sees your relationship. Does he perhaps see it as a transitional relationship which is why the other important people in his life don't know about you? I would find it very difficult to do what he is doing because he must be lying to his kids all the time.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2017 11:37

He's trying to get back with her. You are the fallback option.

Why did she end the marriage? People don't do that on a whim with three school age children.

In the 3 days out of 7 he's not with you, are the children at his place?

OliviaStabler · 30/12/2017 11:46

He's trying to get back with her. You are the fallback option.

Sorry but I think it might be this ^^

Ohyesiam · 30/12/2017 12:08

What does he dyay his reasons for secrecy are?
He could be trying to protect his access to his children.

TheNaze73 · 30/12/2017 12:09

You’re a placeholder girlfriend at best. There is no logical explanation for his behaviour.
Is there any chance he’s trying to get back with her?

Bitofeverything · 30/12/2017 12:19

I was my DP's first serious gf after his long-term relationship ended. We knew it would be a big deal telling his DD and ex, so took about six months to do it. I was fine with it because it's obviously a big moment, and tricky for kids. It's a huge sign for everyone that it's over and not going back, and that's a big deal for ex and kids. But once we knew it was important and had a future, he told them. Because they were going to have to know at some point, and we didn't like secrets (although it wasn't especially secret in that time anyway, just discreet). He didn't tell them about couple of flings in between either.

Bitofeverything · 30/12/2017 12:21

I suppose it's once we started thinking long-term thoughts, he told them. So maybe just ask why he isn't? Six months felt about right.

SandyY2K · 30/12/2017 12:24

Does anyone in his life know you exist? Like Parents? Siblings? Friends?

Bananalanacake · 30/12/2017 12:32

I was also kept a secret from my ex bf family. He was supposed to be sorting his divorce but kept saying I'll sort it later. He had no kids. This went on for 3 years. I didn't live with him. I had a good laugh when he told me his mum and sister died, i got up. Walked off, shouting over my shoulder "and don't fucking contact me again until you have got over it". His face was a picture

ZipItZebedee · 30/12/2017 12:52

I think it could easily be because of the kids bit the ex wife.

museumum · 30/12/2017 12:53

I’m going to disagree. I think that giving kids age 12 to 16 a year to get over the breakup before introducing the idea of new partners is quite sensible actually.
But it’s been a year now so I would be asking what the plan is now. I’d feel you ought to be acknowledged in the next few months then introduced sometime in the next year.

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