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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm a secret still.

67 replies

Polly92 · 30/12/2017 10:29

I started going out with my bf in May of this year he split up with his wife in November 2016. I know, I know it all happened a bit quickly. He has 3 kids with his wife. We are generally happy most of the time we love each other and spend 4 out of 7 days together. I'm still a secret where his ex and kids are concerned, his youngest is 12 and oldest 16. Am i wrong thinking that by now it should all be out in the open? When she phones him I have to be quiet. When i go back home he won't let me leave as much as a hair band on the side. I feel like because I'm a secret he is ashamed of me or am I just being silly?

OP posts:

HorseItIntoMe · 02/01/2018 12:17

I hope you told him where to go Nellia

Having his cake and eating it basically, urgh

akaWisey · 02/01/2018 12:35

I think you were in rebound territory when you got together with your BF.

I also think its not necessarily a sign of bad character that he doesn't yet want his DC's or his former DW to know he's dating again. There may be all kinds of reasons he's not gone public to them yet.

But you won't be in a position to know what they are until you ask him.

JellyBean31 · 02/01/2018 13:07

My ex is seeing someone... He denies it.. He's on holiday with her right now, he told our (grown up) kids he's gone with a group of friends.

We've been split over 3 years, I don't care, the DCs font care but he still lies. No idea why.

He played the victim when I left him and still is to our mutual friend, I suppose having moved on would make him seem less so.

Original poster

Polly92 · 02/01/2018 13:49

I live with my parents this is why I only spend 4 days out of 7 with him. His ex and kids came over this his over Christmas to visit and he hid anything I left behind his wardrobe and in a bag which he ended up putting rubbish into So I confronted him about it saying it's not on anymore me being hid like this his farther has agreed with me but his mother is still in the frame of mind I should be hidden. I told him that he should of thought about whether he was ready to move on or not when he started telling me he loved me. So he went to see his kids yesterday and assured me he would tell his ex but when he came home he made up some excuse as to why he couldn't do it so no new improvement except he now knows it's starting to upset me. I brought him a lava lamp and a Bluetooth speaker for Christmas these were both hidden when I came over

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 02/01/2018 14:01

Tell him you're done.

You deserve better.

You will always come last by quite some distance by the sounds of it. He gets sex and company and looked afternwhen he doesn't have the kids, and you are to disappear and be silent and not exist when he does. What a great deal ... for him!

LaGattaNera · 02/01/2018 14:10

He has been gone over a year and his children are not babies and are imo old enough to know that their father has met a new lady. I suspect he is more concerned about his wife knowing. That is why he made an excuse yesterday. There will probably always be an excuse. She was tired or upset about something or someone was there with them or she was ill he has had months to tell her and when you told him to tell her he bottled out.
He has sex with you and sees you on his terms but you have to be invisible the rest of the time - when he is on the phone or he hides your gifts. What a knobhead OP - can you accidentally sneeze when he is on the phone to her?
I hate this sort of situation.

Whinesalot · 02/01/2018 17:51

Now he knows you have a problem with it, you can give him a short time frame to choose his moment. But you really do have to dump him if he doesn't follow through with his promises.
Maybe he has built it up in his mind to be a bigger issue than it actually will be.

Leanin15yearsmaybe · 02/01/2018 18:06

Wish my exh would hide his a bit more... he’s on gf16 in 3 years and the kids heads are spinning!!

I would definitely be talking to him and questioning why. 10 months is a decent time and one which I would be happy for someone to be introduced to kids. Sooner than that for adult family. Sounds to me as if he is keeping several options open I’m afraid 😟

Whinesalot · 02/01/2018 18:14

He doesn't even need to introduce you for a while. They just need to know of your existence to begin with.

Original poster

Polly92 · 02/01/2018 18:35

Yea I'm not overly worried about him introducing me yet they will need to get their heads around their dad meeting someone new first

OP posts:

thegreysheep · 05/01/2018 13:06

I had this with someone I'd been seeing for over a year, one year post breaking up. At first I didn't mind and understood, and it was partly so we could see where things were going, and also he didn't want to rock the boat. It was a tricky breakup. I didn't want to meet them, but suggested that after a while he should mention there was someone, as children prefer you to be honest with them. My real problem was, that even after ex and kids found out (small town) and told him they knew and were fine about it, but not the lying, he still pretended I didn't exist!! After that I concluded that he not only didn't want to rock the boat, but also maybe keep the hard done by status (his ex left the marriage for another guy). And he wanted to remain the good guy. By the time he did offer to meet his kids, I had lost interest and respect at that stage and declined, and the relationship finished soon after.

April229 · 05/01/2018 13:15

Are you sure they aren’t still together? If the issue is the kids why can’t his ex wife know?

scrabbler3 · 05/01/2018 22:57

I'm not so sure that he's worried about access - the children are old enough to make their own arrangements. So, this leads me to believe that he has other reasons. Maybe they didn't actually split in Nov 2016, maybe it was later and there was an overlap with you? Maybe he thinks that one or more of them would react very badly. I don't think you should put up with this for too much longer, anyway. Give him until the end of the month to tell them.

Original poster

Polly92 · 15/01/2018 13:51

Just an update. He told them Friday!! All 4 of them cried. His ex told him she wish he had just told her from the start instead of lying. His 2 younger children have asked when they can meet me which is good. His eldest is a bit pissed off wanting to know my name so she can message me on Facebook some shitty messages he said but I'm sure she will get over it eventually

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 15/01/2018 17:19

Do you really need this hassle? People crying on being told about your relationship?

You sound young (ish) living with your folks and from how you speak.... I'm just thinking whether being with him...baggage of 3 kids and an Ex is really worth it.

I suggest you block his daughter before she attempts to message you.

aftertheevent · 15/01/2018 18:04

I'm presuming then that you are much younger than him and he was ashamed? Bet he still hasn't told his wife the truth about you still living at home with your parents. Geez. Have you any idea what you are letting yourself in for?
If I were the wife I'd be very amused. I wonder why they split up do you know? Were you the reason really?
What a prize.

GottadoitGottadoit · 15/01/2018 18:10

I hope he had a word with his eldest about appropriate behaviour!

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