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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a secret still.

67 replies

Polly92 · 30/12/2017 10:29

I started going out with my bf in May of this year he split up with his wife in November 2016. I know, I know it all happened a bit quickly. He has 3 kids with his wife. We are generally happy most of the time we love each other and spend 4 out of 7 days together. I'm still a secret where his ex and kids are concerned, his youngest is 12 and oldest 16. Am i wrong thinking that by now it should all be out in the open? When she phones him I have to be quiet. When i go back home he won't let me leave as much as a hair band on the side. I feel like because I'm a secret he is ashamed of me or am I just being silly?

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 30/12/2017 12:59

I think it's a good idea for a few months to work out if the relationship is serious. There is no point potentially upsetting your family for a fling. It might be that he isn't that serious about you op.

It's been long enough and now I'd be thinking that he either needs to tell them or it might be time to call it a day. Ultimatum time, but only if you are prepared to go through with it.

Thinkingofausername1 · 30/12/2017 16:25

Mmm. I'd move on - he's still with her.

Pavonia · 30/12/2017 18:22

@museumum the thing is what do you say when you finally introduce them? Pretend that you've only just met or admit that you've been together for months and telling lies about what you've been doing?

I think if you think your kids will be upset by you dating soon after a break up then the answer is to wait before dating.

OP if you are reading, one way or another you deserve better. Hope you're OK.

rothbury · 30/12/2017 18:39

What is his rationale? What does he say about it?

JustAnIdiot · 30/12/2017 18:48

When you're being quiet & he's on the phone to her, what is their conversation like?

aftertheevent · 30/12/2017 19:06

My dh and I split up but he wanted to come back but meanwhile had secret girlfriends. When I found out he said he would dump them if we got back together. So we got back together and he did.
This I think is what's happening to you. Do you want to be second best? Dump him first.

littlepoppett · 30/12/2017 19:20

Been there. Don't trust him. My DP was not man enough to leave his wife and had us both strung along for years. He didn't want to be with her but she threatened to take the kids away.

pudding21 · 30/12/2017 19:51

I left my emotionally absive ex in Feb, started seeing someone in the may. We saw each other regularly until just recently when we agreed mutually to end it. It wasn't going anywhere really partly because of my reluctance to tell ex. I'm Flagg I didn't tell him, I wasn't ready for a full relationship he knew the score from day one and it suited him too. I couldn't cope with emotional fall out that would have ensued. He's none the wiser. Also I Felt he didn't need to know. It was my private business.

You need to talk about it honestly, it sound so like now is time but pethaps he's afraid.

pudding21 · 30/12/2017 19:53

And hand on heart I at no time wanted to keep it hush because I wanted to get back with my ex, not once.

KnightsOfCydonia · 30/12/2017 19:59

I'm going to take a different opinion from PPs
I've been separated from my husband for over a year now.
I haven't met anyone else yet however I have already decided that if/when I do I would not introduce anyone to my DC until I'm absolutely certain that they will be in my life long term, I think I'd have to be with someone for around a year before I'd feel ready to tell my children about them or introduce them.
Although he's been separated from the wife for over a year you have only been with him for 6-7 months so I think he is just being a considerate parent by keeping you from the kids for now.

ny20005 · 30/12/2017 20:01

It's probably because he's afraid she'll stop access to the kids. Op says they split up nov 16, not that they are divorced since then

HouseworkIsAPain · 30/12/2017 20:10

He’s most likely not ready to deal with the upset, from either the ex or the kids, when they realise that this is it and the parents are not getting back together.

I would question whether he is actually ready for a relationship or whether he is with you for company, because it makes life easier for him, becuase it’s nice to have you on the back burner ready to spend time with when he is not with his DC.

Has he started to sort any of the divorce paperwork (if he was married) and the child arrangements? Perhaps he is scared to rock the boat before all that is sorted - but again makes me think he’s not ready for a relationship yet (sorry).

1DAD2KIDS · 30/12/2017 20:23

A lot of people are jumping to conclusions about your bf (all though hes a lying cgeating scumbag is MN default setting). Could be a whole range of reasons, not all sinister. What's important is what you want out of the relationship right now as well as him? If you not happy to follow his lead on this it's time to make a stand. Give him an ultimatum if your not happy.

demirose87 · 30/12/2017 20:25

I ended it with someone for this reason. If someone rang him he'd tell me to be quiet and say he was somewhere he wasn't, even to his friends. Turned out he was married, not divorced as I had thought.

rememberthetime · 30/12/2017 20:40

I'm in a similar situation. I understand his reasons, but after one year I think the time has come for him to be brave and tell his ex. I can understand not telling the children as they are young.

But he has told some work colleagues and his best friend about me - so that makes me feel better.

But it does make you question if the relationship with the ex is truly over.

MeganBacon · 30/12/2017 20:53

Some people break up cleanly, but most don't. Where it's a dirty split, it takes a lot longer than a year for emotions to settle. Especially if she didn't want to split, but even if she did - I have a good friend at work whose wife divorced him but she is way too interested in his life still, even though he desperately did not want to divorce and she did.
I think you haven't been in his life very long and I wouldn't be too worried about it yet, but I would want him to be talking openly about why she can't know. And I would then trust my instincts about whether his reasons were good ones. So please talk to him.

OrionsGirl · 30/12/2017 22:39

You need to have an open and honest exchange of views on this.

I've been in a similar situation. Got together soon after he split with his wife. They had no children. We were a secret from his family and friends for several months because he didn't want to hurt her more or for us to be blamed for their break up. Family and friends were an intertwined friendship group.
I understood his reasons and there was always a planned timescale for being open. It was hard. I was excluded from family events as nobody knew I existed. He was invited to things that interfered with our plans because people thought he needed company.
He understood why it bothered me and this resulted in an earlier revelation of my existence.
Basically, you need to know why and what his plans are, if any, for things to change and he needs to know how you feel.

charlie753 · 30/12/2017 22:47

As someone who is a similar position perhaps to your BF, there are lots of possible reasons, because every person is different, but for me is because as a man I am totally beholden on the good will of my (separated) wife for access to the children. We currently co-parent, but that is because in effect she allows it. Should she get annoyed, upset, hurt, then I could be down to one night a week and every other weekend, and that would quite frankly be fucking terrifying. It is terrifying. And if I wanted to change it it would be expensive lawyers and court processes (and no guarantees).

There are threads on here where posters have explicitly said they cut down access once he had a new GF etc.

And that is outside of the very valid reasons of wanting to not unsettle children. OP like in most things in life you will have to go with your gut, because those could be excuses to string you along, but equally they could be rooted in some very valid concerns and fears. Good luck.

Littlechocola · 30/12/2017 22:49

Ask him!

SandyY2K · 30/12/2017 23:03

Would any Ex wife or girlfriend be brave enough to explain why you withhold visitation when your Ex moves on?

If I was a man and this happened to me... is be telling the Ex is make damn sure the child/children we're aware or would be made aware when they ģot older exactly what their mother had done. I'd ensure I had written evidence that was indisputable.

It's just beyond ridiculous.

charlie753 · 30/12/2017 23:29

@SandyY2K normally I agree with nearly everything you post (sorry that sounds stalkerish) but in this case I do not. Yes one could and would do that, but that would still entail the potential for years of alienation and hurt. But that is assuming 1) rational actors in an environment not always renowned for rational un-emotive thinking, 2) that you could get the evidence, and 3) that there are not lots of justifications that could be given for the change... even down to just, "I thought it was best to be the prime carer" which is still the default presumption (to have a prime carer) in courts etc.

(I should add, IANAL)

Tumbleweeds24 · 30/12/2017 23:34

I was in exactly the same situation almost. I'm pregnant and my partner didn't want his ex to find out about me and baby because he was scared she would stop access to his kids. We are living together and since she's found out about me and baby she won't let him have the kids anywhere other than her house incase he has them around me. I believe the reason is control, although other people on MN wondered whether there was more to it (I posted on here before). We have a whole new set of problems now, made worse by him keeping everything a secret. His problems have become my problems and the whole thing is a bloody nightmare that I could have done without and wish I avoided.

There could be any number of reasons he doesn't want his ex to find out. It may be to protect the children, they are old enough to understand and may become upset at the thought of dad with a new girlfriend. It may be to avoid drama with the ex wife, she might be the type to cause you both issues if she takes umbrage with the fact he's moved on.

It's also possible he and the ex wife are still emotionally and or physically involved and he doesn't want to burn his bridges, although hopefully it's not the latter (I couldn't bare the thought of that in my case)

Please don't be a push over like I was. Tell him you are not prepared to be a secret, that you are worth more than that. Because you are. We all are.

Sit him down and have a frank discussion, tell him you want to know exactly why he's so concerned about his ex finding out he has moved on. Tell him he needs to be honest with you now because sneaking around as though you are having an affair is a deal breaker - and mean it.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I'm honest with myself, if I knew then what I know now about how my DP bends over backwards to prioritise his exes feelings over my own despite knowing it makes me unhappy.. I would run for the bloody hills. Not so easy now we have a baby due in 3 weeks and a joint tenancy which I'm bonded to.

Please whatever you do, don't become me!

I wish you the best of luck. You deserve somebody who's proud to announce you as their SO, not somebody who's afraid to cut the apron ties.

All the best x

SandyY2K · 31/12/2017 00:10

@charlie753

Fathers are all too often accused of abandoning and not caring about their DC....I would not want to be the dad who's kids think he didn't care....

If the bitter Ex wives realised their withholding access would come back on them...they'd think twice.

When dealing with such people....you have to fight back and be several steps ahead of them.

Evidence is key...you have to put emotion aside and think practically.

HorseItIntoMe · 02/01/2018 10:09

Sandy I think it’s basically just a control thing (re exes withholding visitation)...they do it cos they can

And when their dc father has upset them by leaving it’s an easy way of hitting back

I’ve seen it time after time 😔

Op how are things now ? Any updates x

Nellia · 02/01/2018 12:11

Sounds a bit odd why only 4 days out of 7 and why cant you leave anything behind does his ex and children come over every weekend after you leave.
Im in a similar situation but as the wife rather than the girlfriend and it wasnt about access and witholding children once I found out. It was about the fact that he wanted to come back claiming that the woman he saw while we where seperated was just something he did while his head was a mess. Be very carefull.