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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

confused regular - about to embark on some kind of naughtiess

62 replies

ConfusedRegular · 24/04/2007 00:05

Right.

I have a DP that I am in a good realtionship with and I have lovely children and a lovely house. My life is good.

BUT.. I have my own issues going back a long way. I have recently joined a support group to explore and confront these issues - no-one knows about this not even DP.

There is a man at my support group who has the same issues as me and there is a connection there that helps me so much and makes me so alive.

On Thursday I am going for lunch with him after session.

I know I should not do anything but - well - he gets me- a part of me that I think no-one else will ever get.

OP posts:
emankcin · 24/04/2007 00:06

Oh i am so happy for you. I hope for your sake he has a huge member, lots of money and is worth ruining your wonderful life for.

oh and ruining the lives of your children.

Don't wear any knickers.

scatterbrain · 24/04/2007 00:08

Don't do it !!! If you are working through issues then you may be confused - you stand to ruin your good relationship with your dp !

Lunch is fine - enjoy it - but go no further !

Sackache · 24/04/2007 00:08

emankcin - OUCH! Uncalled for....sensing bitterness.

Why you lookin elsewhere confused if your life is so good... and why doesn't your dp know????

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/04/2007 00:08

ROFL emankcin!

Carmenere · 24/04/2007 00:09

Just because you are going for lunch doesn't mean that you need to act on your attraction. He is not that great actually, he has all the same baggage as you doesn't he?
Go for lunch, chat, leave it at that.

controlfreaky2 · 24/04/2007 00:09

well really cr, what are you expecting people to say ???? get over yourself. good that you are addressing your "issues" but why is this a secret from dp who you are in a "good" relationship with??

Sackache · 24/04/2007 00:11

NB MNers... having lovely children and a lovely house doesn't mean a perfect life!!
.... and saying that its a good relationship could mean just amicable... friendly.... not great.

I'm a prime example!!!!

Carmenere · 24/04/2007 00:14

I have just organised to meet up with an old flame next month. He would have me like a shot, no matter what his circumstances are( not sure if he has a gf atm). The reason I am so sure is because I didn't fall for him first time I was with him. This has made me ridiculously attractive to him. The reason I didn't fall for him is because I knew he would cheat on me because he is a sucker for the forbidden.
He is lovely and he is fun and it will be nice to meet up with him but I would never take it any further. And you shouldn't either.

Original poster
ConfusedRegular · 24/04/2007 00:22

.

OP posts:
flack · 24/04/2007 07:25

I hope your support-group friend turns out to be gay, Confused.

WideWebWitch · 24/04/2007 07:26

Oh, OBVIOUSLY don't do it.
fgs.

WideWebWitch · 24/04/2007 07:27

There's nothing to be 'confused' about imo either. You either want your relationship or you don't.

IdrisTheDragon · 24/04/2007 07:35

Speaking as someone who had a bit of "naughtiness" with someone, that thank god we stopped before it got really bad, DO NOT DO IT.

It is so not worth it. It would be really really stupid. You would feel really awful.

Up to you obviously, but the idea is really really stupid

hatrick · 24/04/2007 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Snaf · 24/04/2007 07:45

I always wonder what these threads hope to achieve. But I'll bite anyway:

I once had a lovely man and a lovely home and a lovely life (this was pre-kids, however). Then I met up with a bloke I had been crazy about at university. And guess what? We still had a 'connection' even after all those years... So, one thing led to another - and now I no longer have the lovely man or the lovely home or the lovely life.

And believe me, several years on, not a day goes by when I don't kick myself for my arrogance, naivety and utter stupidity.

OrmIrian · 24/04/2007 07:49

Been there, done that, not worth it. But it wasn't pre-planned. I don't see why you are putting yourself deliberately in the way of temptation unless you want to mess things up.

FioFio · 24/04/2007 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LadyMacbeth · 24/04/2007 08:05

Why can't you just be friends with this man? Why do you seem so pre-programmed to go the whole hog with him just because he 'gets' you?

If you met a woman (and I'm assuming you're totally heterosexual) who 'got you' would you be meeting up for lunch with her in the potential anticipation of taking it further or would you meet up for lunch in anticipation of becoming better friends?

monkeytrousers · 24/04/2007 08:05

stop it at once! Give yourself a shake and get over it. Think of your kids if not your DP

Sobernow · 24/04/2007 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cathcart · 24/04/2007 08:32

without knowing what your issues are its a bit difficult for me to say this but if I were you I would try and open up a bit more with your dp. A long term relationship should be based on trust. Even if nothing further happens with this other man, secrets and lies could cause all sorts of problems. If you are not totally open with dp then you will of course be drawn to this man who you have this connection with, but who is to say that your own dp will not unmderstand or may have even had similar experiences? Give your dp some credit and your relationship a chance, or it may all go wrong for you here.

kittylette · 24/04/2007 08:36

you obviously dont love your DP, so leave him, loose your house,family and security and start over with this guy because he 'gets you'

seems like thats whats going to happen regarless of what anyone says on here

doubt it will last long

anorak · 24/04/2007 08:40

You have been carried away on a flight of fantasy - 'a part of me that I think no-one else will ever get'.

It's up to you which bits of you people get. Choose to give them to the person you promised to - your DH.

May I suggest you think very carefully about the wording you will choose when you are explaining to your children why Daddy doesn't want to live in the house with you any more?

Please don't anyone accuse me of being harsh. I am trying to save CR from utter heartbreak and devastation.

If this man really is the kind of once in a lifetime thing you think he is then he will still be around when you have split from your DH and made yourself free to be with him. But I expect you're thinking about having them both at the same time so your DH becomes a good backhand if things go wrong. How sad for him to be so disrespected by the person who is supposed to be his nearest and dearest.

hatwoman · 24/04/2007 08:47

CR I think I know what it's like to not, quite, be "got". and I know what it's like to crave being "got". But, imho, focusing on this element of your existing relationship might be missing the point. there is no such thing as the perfect relationship - the nearest you'll get to it, imho, is when you decide that the relationship you're in is (sorry this sounds like a skincare advert) worth it. complete with it's minus points, including not being got, it's worth hanging on to. it's worth accepting for what it is, worth preserving, nurturing, tending. forget the man at the support group and decide whether your existing relationship falls into the category of worth it. if so then tell dp about your support group, and maybe even suggest joint counselling.

if the above doesn't ring true for you then think also about whether the man at the support group really does "get" you. How can you be so sure after what must be a pretty brief - if intense - acquaintance? what will happen away from the rather artificial environment of a support group? ask yourself if you have become too hung up on a particular shortfall of your existing relationship and are transferring a whole lot of stuff, that may in fact not really be there, on to this other man?

cancel lunch. bring dp into dealing with your baggage - or take a full head on decision to deal with it on your own.

zookeeper · 24/04/2007 08:59

It strikes me as a bit odd that you say that you have a good relationship but you have not even told your DP about your support group. Would it not be worth trying to talk to him so that you might feel closer? would it be worth going to relate?

I do think you should cancel lunch in the meantime as you have so much to lose. I think I would advise you to try to look at what you have with fresh eyes and make changes to what you are not happy with.

Noone's perfect so don't get upset by harsh comments

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