I've stayed with alcoholic DH 100 times, and I no longer have anyones support.

[TheBrilloPad]

I’ve been married to DH for 4 years. We have 2 young kids, both pre-school age. Ever since I met him, he’s had problems with drinking binges, and more recently, Cocaine use. He goes out drinking for 24 hours and doesn’t stay in touch, and spends an insane amount of money that we don’t have. He went out yesterday at 10am, said he’d be back after lunch. He gets so drunk he doesn’t text, doesn’t call, and he came home this morning at 8am. The last binge like this was Sept, prior to that it was August. So it’s not a weekly thing, but certainly a good 8-10 times a year, I’d guess.

Every time I ask him to leave for a while, to give me some space. Every time I debate LTB and every time I take him back – we have young kids, he’s good the rest of the time when he’s not drinking, he’s so remorseful and promises to change. And financially, my wages wouldn’t even cover our rent, let alone our childcare bill, household bills etc. I’d have to get housing benefit etc, and I really don’t want to have to go there.

Except this time, I can tell I no longer have the sympathy of my family and friends. They are so fed up of this constantly happening and me getting heartbroken and then taking him back a week later, that this time all I got when I told them was lots of “men, what would you do with them!” and a change of subject, sort of thing.

It hurts. I want someone who knows me, someone who loves me to say “hey, you deserve better than this. Leave him.” And they wont anymore. And as lovely as you vipers are, hearing it from you doesn’t have the same effect as someone who knows me and DH.

I feel like my marriage to him has been death by a million papercuts and I’m a shadow of the person I once was. And I know I should leave, I know that, but I’m not hearing that from those around me and on top of all the other doubts I have, its making it worse. I just want to say to everyone “stop giving up on me! Yes, it may take me many tries before I leave for good, but please, PLEASE, stop acting like it’s not happening to me”.

Gah. Self indulgent rant I guess. I completely understand why I’ve lost their support, it just hurts.

They are probably wary of slagging him off if you you keep getting g back together with him as they don’t want to alienate him.

But it is difficult to continue to support someone who won’t help themselves. They are probably not feeling very useless in this situation.

whats the point of you telling them, them giving you advice or having you cry on their shoulder and then you ignore them and continue making the same mistakes? Theyre not indulging the drama anymore. You obviously want to stay with the guy no matter how he treats you. Its up to you. Hopefully one day youll get fed up with it, but until then, i think your friends are right to stay out of it. Supporting someone that continues to make the same mistake again and again is not fun, its exhausting and futile.

You say you want to hear them say leave him, but they won't anymore. So they have said it time and time again.
You need to leave him. You know this. You don't need them or us to tell you.
Keep your fight up and try again, you haven't lost their support they will be there for you once you take that step.
Good luck x

What advice can they offer you this time, that they haven't offered you already?

Hate it when people do this, ask for advice and completely ignore it all the time. I feel like its just attention seeking and a beg for drama.

Its truly tiring trying to help someone and then feeling like youve wasted your time.

Seriously either deal with not being able to talk about it anymore or get out of the situation so people dont have to hear you whinge about a pathetic excuse of a Husband, and of course hes remorseful .. but he cant be that sad about it if he isnt getting help.... there is lots of help out there.

And so many people use the kids as an excuse... pfft i feel sorry for the children, i would much rather my single mother than a father that feels the need to drink in order to feel fulfilled.

There is only so many times you can support someone. You're using them and then throwing aside any advice or support they give you, and then coming back again and again and again.
Can you imagine being them? stop being so self centred. You're complaining that you are hurt by them refusing to do your little drama for the 101st time? They are hurt by being used by you over and over again and then being ignored. Almost every month!

You chose this. You knew what he was like, you chose to marry him, you chose to bring not one but 2 children into this relationship, knowing that he abuses drink and drugs, you choose to go back over and over and over again. You need to take responsibility.

If they have supported you a hundred times they will most likely do the same when you actually get around to leaving him for good, if you ever choose to do so. But for now they are sick of your drama,a nd who can blame them?

Im really sorry your going through this op, especially with young children to consider.

However I do see where friends and family are coming from. There is only so many times you can give soneone the same advice and have them not take it. Them telling you to LTB isnt going to make you listen anymore than your husband stopping his binge drinking/drug use because you tell him to.

You both need to do it because you want to and not because of other people.

Im sure your friends and family will be there for you if you do decide to LTB.

You've said in your OP that you won't leave him as he's good the rest of the time and you need his wage. So, I assume that people have stopped telling you to leave him as you don't want to, and they don't want to keep telling you to do something that you don't want to do.

Will he get help?

I have a friend like you. Her husband also goes on benders and take drugs periodically, but he's worse than that. He's very critical, mean, verbally abusive, he's walked out several times and got his own place twice now without telling her he's doing so. Her life is waaaay better when he's not there - it's calm, it's happy, their kids are calm and settled - but then she convinces herself that it's better for the kids to have two parents, so she begs him to come back and he's really contrite initially and all the shit starts up again and she sits in pub or at our kitchen tables telling us these horrendous stories and now her kids are starting to see how abusively he treats her and the younger one is starting to copy his dad.

Initially we all told her 'Leave, you're too good for him', or 'Your life is so calm without him in it, why would you want all that drama and abuse back?', but she doesn't listen. She's taken so much shit from him and the longer it goes on, the more he understands that he can do whatever he wants, she'll never kick him out, and so it doesn't just continue, with each passing year it gets worse and worse.

If you want to end this (and you most definitely should), then do so. But don't blame your friends. They want what is best for you, but they probably feel they're banging their heads against a brick wall, so they just nod and smile and sympathise, but choose not to get too involved any more, because it really is your life and it's up to you to change it.

Do you think you might be using the lack of support as another reason not to leave?

If you were my friend or relative I'd find your choices so excruciatingly annoying that it would either be a) ignore it or b) go no contact with you.

You want your friends and family to keep repeating the same advice and offering the same support when you won't take ownership of the situation. I don't get it?

Housing benefit isn't the end of the world and maybe it will save all your other relationships?

I've been through a similar thing with a good friend. Her husband was a nightmare in different ways from yours OP, but she was constantly having huge rows with him, planning to leave, then changing her mind.

At first I would spend ages listening, reflecting, talking, advising, supporting, encouraging etc.

After a few years I'll be honest OP, I got bored. It was the same stuff over and over, and I knew that it didn't matter what I said, the outcome would be the same - she would stay with him. So I couldn't be bothered to say the same old things to her, it wasn't worth the effort.

I'm still a good friend, I still listen, I nod, I act interested. But I no longer reflect on it, and I never advise or give an opinion.

Your friends and family have learned over the years that their opinion clearly doesn't matter to you, so they don't want to waste their energy any more.

Of course they still care, but they have better things to do than invest hugely in a situation that is totally beyond their control.

It's up to you I'm afraid, but I think eve if you can't make the break for yourself, you should do it for your kids. It has broken my heart to see the horrible effect my friend's choices have had on their kids.

When someone gets help for alcohol problems their dear ones often need to get help too. A whole dynamic has started in your relationship and someone has to change. Your family have bowed out of the drama and now you need to decide if you will bow out or stay in it.

You chose this. You knew what he was like, you chose to marry him, you chose to bring not one but 2 children into this relationship, knowing that he abuses drink and drugs, you choose to go back over and over and over again. You need to take responsibility

This ^^

I would understand your choices are your own to make as an adult but to knowingly bring two innocent children into it would make me go nc with such a friend.

There's only so much support you can give before you get fed up of hearing the same thing over and over and nothing ever changing.

When you mobilise to help someone in crisis two or three times, give time, comfort, a listening ear, money practical help, and then they willingly, knowingly put themselves back in the same situation again... Well, you don't feel like helping very much anymore. You feel like a bloody mug, quite frankly.

Do you realise what you're asking? That they should just turn out for you over and over again, despite the fact you've basically shown them you're not listening, despite what it costs them to do it?

If you're not going to leave him, you will have to factor the impact on your friend and family relationships into what it costs you to stay. Because no sane human being is going to be able to keep giving you the kind of support you want. It would amount to masochism, or to a codependent desire to involve themselves in your alcoholic drama.

It hurts. I want someone who knows me, someone who loves me to say “hey, you deserve better than this. Leave him.”

Given your tolerance & excusing of his behaviour, why would anyone say this to you?

Get thee to AlAnon - the support group for those affected by alcoholics in their lives.

And LTB. Is this any sort of way to bring up children? You are both being neglectful in this regard.

“.., but please, PLEASE, stop acting like it’s not happening to me”.

They will once you do. Stop acting like this isn’t happening to you and it’s going to be magically different this time. Stop acting like he’s really changed and this time...”. And they will too.

Unfortunately you want all the attention all the sympathy all the care all the love but you don't want to listen and they're sick of it.

You sound like my sister. Her husband has a problem with pills and gambling. The first ten times, I helped her (financially, physically, amotionally) to leave him. Ten times she went back, and ten times I was the bitch (in his eyes) who had gotten involved.

I’ve told her I’ll be there to support her when she leaves again, and I will. I won’t be the one joining her on the cycle she’s on.

I think my sister enjoys the drama of having people around her, having shoulders to cry on, and ears to listen to her woes.

Sounds like you enjoy the drama too, OP, or you wouldn’t be putting your family, friends, and kids through this time and again.

I had a friend like you, Brillo, and just like you she prioritised her relationship with a drunk over her children. You're doing exactly the same. How can you justify that to yourself? I asked my friend that too (after 100s of crying on shoulder sessions) and she couldn't answer.

The thing is, your children will not stay children forever and one day they will realise that a) their father is a useless drunk/drug addict who didn't care and b) their mother didn't either.

If you truly do want support then it's up to you to make the move that you need to. Put your children first for once.

Your family and friends ARE thinking of you and they DO care and that's why they're just saying "huh men" and changing the subject because they've watched you take him back so many times they fully expect you to forgive and accept the next time it happens. I should imagine they are acutely aware that you have very young children and desperately want him to sort himself out.

I also have a friend like you but she's further down the line, married for 17 years with a 15 year old DD and a 12 year DS. She has been in your shoes many many times. Her DH is faithful he's never cheated, he works, she likes and gets on well with his family and him with hers BUT he continues to drink just like your DH does. And every now and again he will embarrass her, let her down, go AWOL so she has the pleasure of wondering if he's laying dead somewhere. Three years ago they split for a year and then reconciled, he made many promises, but sadly they have now decided to divorce because he hasn't changed despite the promises. She has reached her breaking point and so will you. Maybe you're not there yet but it will come.

Take responsibility for your own choices!

Ok I'll be tough. So he's done this, what 40 times since you met him. ? But you went ahead and married him, oh and then you had a child with him, and then you had another, all the time he was doing it and all the time they were telling you no more, and now you're pissed they have stopped saying leave him? What is that attention seeking?

He's always been like this, you said it yourself. I can see why they have no more sympathy.

So deal with it and leave him. Before he spirals down further. You can't live in this cycle of drama, he does it, and then you feed of the sympathy of others, then go back to him till the next time.

Your kids deserve better.

Ring AA helpline and they will direct you to your nearest AlAnon group who will be able to help you.