I've stayed with alcoholic DH 100 times, and I no longer have anyones support.

[TheBrilloPad]

I’ve been married to DH for 4 years. We have 2 young kids, both pre-school age. Ever since I met him, he’s had problems with drinking binges, and more recently, Cocaine use. He goes out drinking for 24 hours and doesn’t stay in touch, and spends an insane amount of money that we don’t have. He went out yesterday at 10am, said he’d be back after lunch. He gets so drunk he doesn’t text, doesn’t call, and he came home this morning at 8am. The last binge like this was Sept, prior to that it was August. So it’s not a weekly thing, but certainly a good 8-10 times a year, I’d guess.

Every time I ask him to leave for a while, to give me some space. Every time I debate LTB and every time I take him back – we have young kids, he’s good the rest of the time when he’s not drinking, he’s so remorseful and promises to change. And financially, my wages wouldn’t even cover our rent, let alone our childcare bill, household bills etc. I’d have to get housing benefit etc, and I really don’t want to have to go there.

Except this time, I can tell I no longer have the sympathy of my family and friends. They are so fed up of this constantly happening and me getting heartbroken and then taking him back a week later, that this time all I got when I told them was lots of “men, what would you do with them!” and a change of subject, sort of thing.

It hurts. I want someone who knows me, someone who loves me to say “hey, you deserve better than this. Leave him.” And they wont anymore. And as lovely as you vipers are, hearing it from you doesn’t have the same effect as someone who knows me and DH.

I feel like my marriage to him has been death by a million papercuts and I’m a shadow of the person I once was. And I know I should leave, I know that, but I’m not hearing that from those around me and on top of all the other doubts I have, its making it worse. I just want to say to everyone “stop giving up on me! Yes, it may take me many tries before I leave for good, but please, PLEASE, stop acting like it’s not happening to me”.

Gah. Self indulgent rant I guess. I completely understand why I’ve lost their support, it just hurts.

Your friends will support you once you show them you are putting your children first by leaving and showing that this time you mean it and it is for good.

How many times does he need to break his promise to change before you actually realise he doesn't mean the promises he makes and has no intention of keeping them? If he truly meant them he would be strong enough not to go drinking with his family, he would put you and your children over his desire to drink and take drugs with his family, but in his mind you and your children are not worth making that sacrifice for.

The welfare of your children should not be a hard decision to make, he is not a great dad, great dads don't prize drink and drug binges over their children. A few good weeks with the children does not diminish the bad weeks, as your children get older the more they will see and understand what is happening - do you think they will thank you for making them live like this? Do you want them in the future to look back on their childhood and remember these bad times (and believe me they will remember them)? Are you looking forward to explaining to your children that they can't have something they need because their dad has spent all the money on drink and drugs? Do you want your children to follow in their father's footsteps?

You say he has eroded all the good in you and all your confidence yet you say he is the only man you have ever loved, ask yourself why you love someone who has destroyed so much of you and will do the same to your children?

Find the lost good in you, put your children and a better life for you and them first.

How dare you! If you won’t prioritise your emotional well being it’s a bit rich expecting others to. It’s no fun continually supporting someone who won’t support themselves, I.e being the host to an emotional leech.

Has it ever occurred to you how they must feel watching you make the same poor decisions over and over again.

Just because you will need to be on housing benefit for a while doesn't mean you will be on it for ever.

Just what Isetan says.
I've supported a very close family member married to an alcoholic for probably 20+ years and it's like Groundhog Day. She stays because of the £££ in my and other family member's opinion.
It's exhausting, futile and quite frankly an insult to my and their intelligence.
No wonder friends and family are distancing themselves; incessant moaning is enough to turn anyone off helping if advice and support is ignored.

You seem uninterested in the emotional cost to the people around you
Your friends have supported you through years and years, two children and countless resolutions to leave followed by ‘but I love him!’
People get tired of being endlessly called upon and then ignored and their hearts must be breaking for your poor children
I’m a good friend but I’d chose to disengage by now
Only you can change things and you seem to have turned the people who love and try to support you into an excuse to leave things as they are

Can you speak to a counsellor, OP?

Will your DH attend counselling with you? (This seems like a long shot, but worth suggesting...)

You have my sympathy because I've been exactly in your situation.

It was my child that forced me to make a change. They were just a baby but thinking of them growing up in that environment, repeating the cycle, making it seem normal and acceptable behaviour made me feel sick. I didn't want them to see their mum as weak. I had to leave him for their sake and I've never looked back.

Best thing I ever did. Child is older and is only ever around him when sober as visits are always pre arranged so controlled. He gets pissed up in his own time and child is not exposed to it. If we were still living together I wouldn't be able to shield child from his behaviour.

I do know of one man who after losing family, friends, employment to the booze threw himself into recovery and was able to rebuild his life and is now many many years sober and works to help others. He did AA. Sadly you can't hang your hopes on this happening for you, only he can do that and it's very rare. Good luck.

Forgot to add am now in a happy stable relationship where partner respects me and one parent isn't disappearing for days on end blowing all our money. Your happiness and right to be treated with love and respect are important too and while he's still letting this happen he is being a selfish inconsiderate prick who doesn't know the meaning of the word love regardless of all his promises and sorrys. If he doesn't change once you've left him he never will and he does not love you. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's a horrible thing to love someone with this problem

I really hope you get a happy ending

You think you love him but I don't believe you do. You are addicted to the crisis of being involved with him.

I'm glad your friends are no longer feeding your addiction, and as someone who has a friend like you, I understand how tedious it is for them hearing your woes repeated ad infinitum. My friend has been telling me the same story of woe for 7 years and tbh I've lost respect for her. I no longer believe she is interested in building a good life, I believe she is comfortable with the familiarity of toxicity. I also feel v sad for their children as they've been dragged through a lot of nonsense.

"I think this is the truth really. Unfortunately it really is as simple as asking who you love more, him or your children?"

This. Like fatand40 I was a child in a similar situation.

"Are you looking forward to explaining to your children that they can't have something they need because their dad has spent all the money on drink and drugs?" I've also tonight posted on a thread about poverty, dad was earning well but we never saw the benefit of it because money for booze was prioritised.

My mother made a choice to marry him, to have 2 more children with him, to reject help from family and friends to leave and stay gone.

I am now very lc with my dad having been at various points Nc and lc with my mum. Her excuse when we were kids was she didn't want us to "come from a broken home" since we became adults she no longer has that or any other excuse. I'll be honest, while my mum is/was a victim I've run out of the energy to listen to her complain about him any more. She has money, support, is in reasonable health for her age so there's no practical reason for her to stay. All but one of her siblings and one of mine, has taken the same stance as me, don't wanna hear about it unless you're leaving him.

It's exhausting and emotionally draining on the people that were once willing to support you too.

And what's wrong with being on benefits? I'm on them, far better for children to be in a household on benefits than one mired in serious addiction issues.

I think they're just bored of you OP. You've written your post in really entitled fashion as well. It's up to you or not whether you stay with this man. But you have to accept you're not the centre of other peoples' world and they'll lose interest when you persistently aim to centre you and your situation that they've heard about 100 times before, in theirs. Hope all turns out ok tho

Why should they continue to support you? You live in the same cycle and they are obviously sick of trying to help you because it's fruitless.

Perhaps if you did actually LTB they would mobilise and be the first to support you.

It can't be that he's great for weeks and weeks because he does it almost monthly. It sounds like you exaggerate the good times and downplay the bad times.
But even your response is all about you and him and your love for him, blah blah rather than the poor kids who are growing up, with no choice, in this toxic environment.

So he’s going out with his dad, uncle, cousins in the early morning?! They all start drinking early morning??!! Do you see how fucked up and abnormal that is! How will you feel when they decided to start including your kids in this “family drinking session”. Because they will, not now obviously, but what happens when your kids turn 18? By then they’ve seen daddy doing it and it’s great and mummy always forgives him...it’s becoming part of their lives right now...you need to get your head out of the sand because at some point your kids are going to get dragged into this abnormal drinking cycle because the “great dad” does it. You need help to stop that happening. You need to stop him having any access to your kids until he’s attended a years worth of AA meetings and been dry and committed for a year. Him going full on sober is the only way your kids lives aren’t going to be totally fucked up. If you don’t do this and do it now you are setting you and your kids up for a massive world of pain in the future. Imaging how you’ll feel being called to the hospital because one of your kids is dying from liver failure..picture it. It’s a real possibility for you and your kids. Now get off your arse and do something about it and maybe spending a little bit of effort to apply for housing benefit doesn’t seem that bad after all?

My stepfather was an alcoholic, he died in his forties due to his alcoholism. He had a decent well paid job but his children and stepchildren went without. He drove my Mother insane.

I was glad when he died.

The thought of them all going out drinking. Then it's off home to stagger about, breath and pores reeking of stale alcohol, no doubt finale is mouth wide open on back snoring, whilst pissing and shitting the bed. What's to love about that

There's only so many times that you can pick someone up, prop them up, help them heal. Eventually; you just can't anymore.

he has triggers. It's drinking with his family. His dad and uncles and cousins all meet for beers early in the morning then it carries on til the next day. So not something that's easy to cut out of his life.

Yes it is. Don't meet them. Jesus Christ you're telling me he pretends to be sorry but he hasn't even cut out a trigger this fucking obvious.

The cunt taking you for a ride.

You are enabling his behaviour.
You are normalising it. For both yourself and your children.
It is damaging your children.
He is damaging your children and you are assisting him.
Someone needs to put them first - it clearly isn't going to be him.
Is it going to be you?

I think people are too quick to advise leaving.

His crimes are coming back later than he said he would and possibly spending too much money.

Having too much to drink over the festive period is normal to me. Maybe that says something about my childhood but I'm certainly glad my mother didn't leave my father over it. While staying is not always best for the kids, contrary to MN advise, leaving is not always best either. It depends.

If he hasn't done it since September and is good otherwise, I certainly wouldn't be turning my life upside down over this.

But as others have said, you have to own your decisions. If I was staying put, I wouldn't be describing it as death by a thousand cuts and expecting sympathy from friends. They have their own problems.

@Winebottle you don't know the first thing about alcoholism and problem drinking. This is much more than having a couple more than usual over Christmas.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine was struggling with 2 kids & working evenings. Her then DP was lazy & selfish, he worked but did nothing in the house & played world of Warcraft all weekend. She got

It's just that I genuinely can't bring myself to leave the only man I've ever loved, when he's always sorry and promises to change

But he isn't genuinely sorry, is he, and you know full well his promises are absolutely meaningless. He just knows what act to put on to get you to take him back. If he meant this, he would refuse the invitations to meet up with his useless drinking/drug-taking relatives.

In your shoes, what would really concern me most would be the strong likelihood that he would induct any sons into this appalling culture, and/or that your children will grown up despising both of you. Plus, of course, the fact that there's every likelihood that he will die young.

You're worth so much more than this. Make it clear to him that if this ever happens again he is not to come home and you will not be taking him back. And mean it. Once your friends and family see that you have finally kicked him out for good, they will be delighted to give you all the support you need.

Sorry Brillo but your subsequent post made me even more annoyed than your first one. You're going to lose your children's respect if you don't wake up.

Their father is no good. He isn't putting them first. You haven't been either and still seem obsessed with this man because you love him. What about your children? Do you love them? It's clear that he isn't bothered either way because his need for alcohol and drugs will always come first. Those needs come before you first too in case you haven't realised that.

If this man has anything about him he will stay away from you and the children whilst you sort yourselves out into a new family unit in the interim. That means that you need to stop as well. As pp says, you are just as addicted but to the drama.

I don't know if you're 'worth more' or not, sorry. You've put yourself (and him) before your children every time. They are certainly deserving of better. If you can provide that for them, give them a stable home and at least one caring parent then you can regain what you've been losing.

Don't be that parent who is hated by their children for being too weak to protect them. He is NOT a good father and, because you've enabled that, you've not been a good mother either. You can change that. Please do, your children are depending on you.

I don't wish you luck, I wish you strength and commitment to putting your children first - finally.

Best wishes for that. You can do this if you really want to.

I feel very sorry for your children: their father puts drink and drugs before their welfare and their mother puts her “love” story above their needs.

Your excuse that you don’t earn enough to support them makes no sense when your partner’s drug habit threatens your financial stability. Surely cutting back/downsizing but having security and stability makes more financial sense than living on a precipice.

You’re telling yourself a fairy story OP. “The only man you’ve ever loved” is a story that puts your drama front and Centre with your children as bit-players. Why not change the story? How about a story about a hero, who cares so much about her little children that she would rebuild the world to protect them? A hero who could put her own desires (for drink, drugs or romance) to one side. A hero who knows that love isn’t a feeling; it’s the tough, gritty work you do, and housing benefit isn’t shameful or humiliating but a badge of honour in the battle to give your children a safe, secure home and childhood.

Pull the sword out of the stone and start cutting through the lies and cliches that are holding you in this prison.

And if you want to take him back, then do, when he’s been sober and clean and attending AA for a year.