I've stayed with alcoholic DH 100 times, and I no longer have anyones support.

[TheBrilloPad]

I’ve been married to DH for 4 years. We have 2 young kids, both pre-school age. Ever since I met him, he’s had problems with drinking binges, and more recently, Cocaine use. He goes out drinking for 24 hours and doesn’t stay in touch, and spends an insane amount of money that we don’t have. He went out yesterday at 10am, said he’d be back after lunch. He gets so drunk he doesn’t text, doesn’t call, and he came home this morning at 8am. The last binge like this was Sept, prior to that it was August. So it’s not a weekly thing, but certainly a good 8-10 times a year, I’d guess.

Every time I ask him to leave for a while, to give me some space. Every time I debate LTB and every time I take him back – we have young kids, he’s good the rest of the time when he’s not drinking, he’s so remorseful and promises to change. And financially, my wages wouldn’t even cover our rent, let alone our childcare bill, household bills etc. I’d have to get housing benefit etc, and I really don’t want to have to go there.

Except this time, I can tell I no longer have the sympathy of my family and friends. They are so fed up of this constantly happening and me getting heartbroken and then taking him back a week later, that this time all I got when I told them was lots of “men, what would you do with them!” and a change of subject, sort of thing.

It hurts. I want someone who knows me, someone who loves me to say “hey, you deserve better than this. Leave him.” And they wont anymore. And as lovely as you vipers are, hearing it from you doesn’t have the same effect as someone who knows me and DH.

I feel like my marriage to him has been death by a million papercuts and I’m a shadow of the person I once was. And I know I should leave, I know that, but I’m not hearing that from those around me and on top of all the other doubts I have, its making it worse. I just want to say to everyone “stop giving up on me! Yes, it may take me many tries before I leave for good, but please, PLEASE, stop acting like it’s not happening to me”.

Gah. Self indulgent rant I guess. I completely understand why I’ve lost their support, it just hurts.

You are not taking responsibility for your self, your life and your own choices unfortunately. Just like an alcoholic, you can't expect anyone else to change your behaviour - only you can do that.

I think this so-called "lack of support" right now is a convenient excuse not to take some sort of positive action.

It's not happening to you OP you have chosen to become an active player in this drama. Your children, who are too young to make choices and rely on their parents to make wise choices on their behalf are the ones who this is happening to. They have no choice, they are being put in a position by one supposedly sensible parent to witness and live with the fact that the other parent loves and cares more about alcohol and drugs than he does about his wife or children.

No wonder your friends have stopped saying anything to you or sympathising with you they are wasting their breath, time and effort.

So many people saying they have a friend like this. I think almost all of us do have a friend or family member like you.

Mine, I gave up. I said, "when you need me, you have a bed at my house but I can't listen to this anymore." She eventually left him. Thank fuck because I think he would have killed her in the the end.

Think about what it's like for people that love you to hear this over and over and see the kids getting older and more damaged by it and you, the only person with the power to change this, making the same decisions over and over.

Leave. He won't change so you have to.

I have a friend like you. Like other posters, I've invested tonnes of emotional energy/time into trying to give her advice, support her, drive to her in the middle of the night.

But after several years it becomes A) very draining to repeat yourself over and over as the same situations continue to occur and B) rather pointless as the advice is never taken.

He's made it clear that he'll continue to repeat this behaviour. It's up to you to either put up with it or take control of your own life and leave him.

But why do you need them to keep saying this to you? You aren’t listening! Do you just enjoy the attention? You have to take responsibility for the situation you are in and have chosen to put your children in. No one else can do it for you.

No sympathy OP.
Stay or leave but stop boring the arse off all and sundry about it.

@TheBrilloPad do you see that it is completely batshit crazy that you would rather have your kids live with an alcoholic with a drug problem than make a claim for housing benefit?

I too am at a loss re what you actually want TBH. Of course if, after marrying and having two kids with someone who you know to be like this, after taking him back time and time again and spouting this crap about housing benefit your family and friends are going to have decided that you must like this life.

No-one is going to change this situation apart from you. If you are not prepared to change it then you need to find a way to accept it, though I think it is shameful that you would keep your kids in a household like this simply because of your feelings for him.

Is he with the same people each time? Does he go to the same places? Does he have a trigger or will he just turn up to the opening of an envelope?

I do agree, by telling everyone every detail it does sound like you enjoy the drama. Does he drink at all at home? Sadly it's not just an alcoholic DH you have but a drug addicted one too..

I have stopped suggesting to my friend she would be better off without him.....after 3 years.It is exhausting and frustrating. 3 friends of mine(sibling group) had an alky dad......they are completely messed up.They have managed to grow up and function .......but he left them when they were teens got sober and started a new family.You need to think of your children

What AhJaysus said

Another one here with a friend like you. After about the 5th or 6th time I distanced myself. I just couldn't find the emotional reserves to give her and I told her that I was withdrawing but I'd be there for her when she eventually left. I barely saw her for about 3 years until she did finally leave him, after he'd lost her house.

You want someone who tells you that you deserve better? You can be that person.

Of course your friends are going to fall by the wayside when they've supported you over and over through the same dysfunctional nonsense. You have to look after yourself. You have to stand up for yourself. Yes, you do deserve better. But the only person who can make you put things in place so that better things start to happen is you.

Thanks all. Tough love, but probably what I needed to hear.

It's just so hard, I feel like I no longer have the confidence to make my own decisions, over time he's eroded everything I ever thought was good about myself and I felt like I needed their support to leave one day. I get that I need to make a better future for my kids. I do. It's just so freaking hard when he can be a great dad for weeks and weeks on end, and I feel like it's such a hard decision to make. I needed people to bounce off, people to tell me I'm not overreacting when he's downplaying it. I swear it's not an attention thing, I'm the least attention seeking person ever, and I hate drama. It's just that I genuinely can't bring myself to leave the only man I've ever loved, when he's always sorry and promises to change.

He's moved out for tonight anyway, and this time I messaged a locksmith and he's coming tomorrow to change the locks. I'll take it a day at a time.

And for the poster that asked - yes, he has triggers. It's drinking with his family. His dad and uncles and cousins all meet for beers early in the morning then it carries on til the next day. So not something that's easy to cut out of his life.

Unfortunately you want all the attention all the sympathy all the care all the love but you don't want to listen and they're sick of it.

^This. You sound like a drama queen OP

I needed people to bounce off, people to tell me I'm not overreacting when he's downplaying it

They've done that for you a hundred times. You seem to think they should do it forever...because lets face it, you're not leaving are you? Why bother changing the locks when you'll be giving him a key by monday?

I promise your support is still there, just less vocal as they feel that they have said it all already. You need to show them that this time you're serious. To be honest he probably doesn't believe your serious either. This is a dance you have both done before.

Contact al-non, etc. Go to CAB about your rights. Get housing benefits sorted - there is nothing to be ashamed of, you are exactly the type of person this SAFETYNET was designed for!

Fake your confidence until you feel it. Most people do!

You are worth more than this. Those who love you have repeatedly told you this. Show them you were listening.

Your children deserve better

when he can be a great dad for weeks and weeks on end
But he’s not being a great dad for weeks on end because he’s putting his children’s mother (and soon his own children as they get older) through the stress and worry of when this is going to happen again. This is not a good way for them to be brought up.

It doesn’t matter what he does inbetween anyway. If he was a great dad for weeks but then beat them up every now and then would you say ‘oh but the times he’s not battering us all, he’s fantastic’.

I genuinely can’t bring myself to leave the only man I’ve ever loved
How sad for your DCs, please put them before yourself.

It's just that I genuinely can't bring myself to leave the only man I've ever loved

I think this is the truth really. Unfortunately it really is as simple as asking who you love more, him or your children?

My dad did this to my mum all their marriage. Out on a Friday night not back to Sunday. Just popping out for an hour back at 3am. I was your child. I saw her sadness and pain all my life and grew up wishing to god she’d leave him. Eventually she did after 25 years and 2 grown up kids. Was he a horrible person no I love him he’s my dad. But I hate what he did and I hate that she was so weak to stand up for herself for soooo long. It has also left me with a real hatred for people that drink a lot. I can’t stand it. Crazy think is next women my dad met didn’t put up with his shit and guess what.. he changed barely drinks at all now. Make a stand please!!!

Your friends will be there for you again the moment they see you actually mean it. It's great you've changed the locks. Don't give him a key, start officially moving towards a separation and custody agreement, apply for all the financial help you can get... And they'll be there to back you up. Good luck

People have lives of their own OP. problems of their own that you probably don't know about because it's all about your need for support, your monthly drama.

If I was your friend, I would run out of energy after the first half a dozen times. Simple as that. It's up to you to leave, if other people could do it for you then you wouldn't have returned after the first time. There's only so much anyone can do for you. The final step has to be your own. If you can't make that step then nobody is to blame but yourself.

I guarantee you that if you took it upon yourself to leave and proved you weren't going back, you'd get that support again. But other people can't carry you forever.

You know what, you will get their support - once they see action and can see that you're doing what it takes to protect your children. But they're not going to sit around for years reiterating the same old crap while your children have a shitty childhood.

Well done on getting started. Courage!