So sick of DH taking no responsibility

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Rant alert. I am so sick of DH. I am sick of him anyway but he takes responsibility for anything and won't make a decision but if my decision is the wrong one it's all my fault.

• Won't go clothes shopping on his own but when I go with him dismisses everything I pick and hisses under his breath
• If we are doing anywhere I sort out the kids and he will go out to the car and will look surprised if it needs to be defrosted or delisted
• Never brings money anywhere and frequently forgets his phone/wallet
• Procrastinates so much that he either thinks he has done the thing or forgets to do it. Can't be relied on for anything
• Proclaims to be tecchy (it's his area) but does nothing if anything breaks and gets angry if I ask BIL

They are just a few examples. There are many many more but is this behaviour normal or are all partners like this. Am at the end of my tether. I always have to be 20 steps ahead to pre-empt anything and it's exhausting.

Normal behaviour for somebody who's lazy, tight, unimaginitive and probably a sexist. He obviously thinks he's your additional child to be looked after. If you weren't with him how much harder would your life actually be?

Seems like passive aggressive behaviour.

There is often a benefit to him for his behaviour, either its control, he thwarts your plans or he gets to play the victim.
Its usually the behaviour of someone who is conflict avoidant, has an outward image of Mr Nice guy but usually deeply angry underneath.

Conflict avoider?

Sounds exactly like my ex, (even down to any techy problem and he was a pc expert apparantly ) Killed any love , lust or respect I had for him.

I assume you had conversations with him over this and it gradually goes back to his 'normality' of leaving everything down to you.
They dont get better I am afraid, wheareas you sound like a strong capable woman who would be better off without this lazy twat

Its direct conflict he may avoid but acts out in other ways.Procastination is often a sign or always forgetting important stuff.Essentially never does what you need or agreed but will never tell you that he won't.its infuriating and if op get angry she's unreasonable.

its a much more destructive and unhealthy way to operate.Often manipulative rather than being direct.
Ex was like this, went to counselling but it only made him outwardly aggressive.

He sounds like a teenager/manchild.

It's just so tiring always having to think of myself, him and the 2 kids. He is a very angry person. It's very hard to love or lust someone who is helpless.

He is hands on with the kids & does do some cooking and cleaning but it's like he has to be reminded of every little step.

My "D"H has been like this for 30 years. He denies all of it, all the time, he has never done anything wrong ever. Or if he did, I made him do it. Constantly angry. Has always washed up/loaded dishwasher, and explains to me carefully that this proves he is doing more than his share as so many women complain that their husbands don't load the dishwasher, so he must be right.

Even down t the thing about going out to the car - he's ready, he doesn't want to help anyone else, so he says I'm going to "get the car ready" meaning turn on the engine. Everyone else can go fuck themselves, as nothing is his responsibility.

How long has this been going on for you OP and how do you feel the future is looking?

Staples this has been going on for years but has only become noticeable since the kids came along. He is just so helpless and has to be prompted at every step.

He has an overinflated sense of himself so thinks he is tidy and punctual but he isn't and seems to thrive in a constant state of chaos.

I have been attending counselling since Nov and he went to someone re: his anger but didn't 'click' with them. I can't see him going again and I'm not prompting him. I've enough to be doing trying to look after my own mental health.

Nice I don't think my life would be harder without him. I think it would actually be easier as I wouldn't be walking on eggshells and wouldn't be second guessing everything and trying to anticipate stuff for him as well.

Hermonie and Bibidee he definitely doesn't avoid conflict. He is very confrontational and angry. He is also passive aggressive as well.

You're not describing someone I would bother to stay married to.

There are some small things you can do though - example 1, then why the fuck are you taking a grown man clothes shopping?!

Ruddy no I can't see him ever improving. He just feeds off me emotionally. Is constantly asking me what he should do, down to what he should wear and if I don't play ball he has a tantrum.

Everyone thinks he is Mr. Nice guy. His mask only slips at home.

Then let him tantrum.
Seriously.
You think it's less tiring to give in to it and choose his fucking underwear for him.
It isn't.
It's less tiring that time.
Let him tantrum away until he tantrums himself out. Or better still, you realise your life could be better.

No fucking way could I have any joy in a relationship with a man who won't even dress himself without kicking off at me.

Your life could be so much nicer.

Ellis I've stopped going shopping with him with the result he is walking around in rags. All his jeans have holes in them and before a night out at Christmas (a few hours before) he was dropping hints for me to sew the hole in the crotch. I ignored him but he eventually got his friend to do it

Good start NK.
Frankly - so fucking what if his clothes are rags?

Re the money:
If he doesn't have his wallet, tough shit. Don't sub him.
Work out the entertainment budget that includes him and pay it to yourself every month. So if you're out with the kids and he has no money, it doesn't ruin a day out with them for you to say "no money, no do".
But anything else - if he wants something for him "oh sorry love, I haven't brought mine either". Or better still - "no". Just "no".

It will be hellish - but it's kill or cure. And btw I have no faith that it would cure him. More that it would kill your hope that it will change, or that you can keep living with it. Which is a horrible place to reach - but a necessary one, and you're half way there.,

I really wouldn’t spend time working out how to improve things. He has absolutely zero intention of changing. Why not promise yourself that 2018 will be the year you squeeze out this cyst in your life.

I heard something that rang so true to me: You can't keep a house of cards up in the wind. Does that make sense? Stop compensating for him. Let it fall.

Why are you helping him dress himself? He’s an adult with access to money - leave him to it.

Some other things are more important so save your energy to fight those / overrule him.

Ellis I actually don't care that he's walking around in rags.

We share all finances jointly so he's not tight in that way. Just totally depends on me to have money with me or withdrawn. He just seems to thrive in chaos in the house and rushing, racing and shouting

Cauliflower I am in counselling now to figure out how to leave him. It's so hard and scary because everyone thinks he's wonderful. He plays the victim card very well. On the outside he looks busy all the time but is busy doing nothing.

Miss that makes so much sense. It's a great saying. I'm exhausted from him. I went into the bathroom there and he has left batteries and tools and his contact lense solution scattered everywhere. I only cleaned the bathroom yesterday. I am a messy person but very conscious of the fact. He thinks he is so tidy but he is way messier than me.

What a manchild!!

I never choose what DH should wear, nor do I buy his clothes, except for the occasional item as a birthday or Christmas present.

Don't go shopping with him at all. Refuse to engage in all of the other twittery too. Let him stew, and as he does that then decide what you really want.

Museum I've stopped going clothes shopping with him and now he walks around in rags. I don't care