So sick of DH taking no responsibility

[NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5]

Rant alert. I am so sick of DH. I am sick of him anyway but he takes responsibility for anything and won't make a decision but if my decision is the wrong one it's all my fault.

• Won't go clothes shopping on his own but when I go with him dismisses everything I pick and hisses under his breath
• If we are doing anywhere I sort out the kids and he will go out to the car and will look surprised if it needs to be defrosted or delisted
• Never brings money anywhere and frequently forgets his phone/wallet
• Procrastinates so much that he either thinks he has done the thing or forgets to do it. Can't be relied on for anything
• Proclaims to be tecchy (it's his area) but does nothing if anything breaks and gets angry if I ask BIL

They are just a few examples. There are many many more but is this behaviour normal or are all partners like this. Am at the end of my tether. I always have to be 20 steps ahead to pre-empt anything and it's exhausting.

Twattery, not twittery. Auto-correct!!

Remember that when you leave him, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone.

In fact, I found very few people even hinted at asking why - people are wise enough to know there can be a whole fucking closet full of skeletons that they just don't want to know about

You don't have to worry that you'll present a picture that won't fit with their perception of Mr Nice.

My XH is Mr Nice. And I'm actually the first to say - if you met him, you'd like him. Didn't stop him being a habitual user of prostitutes so he had to go!

My line: "tbh, we both have grown apart. We're both great, but we don't have the spark together that you need for a lifetime, we'll be happier apart, and it's better to part as friends than risk frustration and resentment setting in one day".

People accept that. And because it's very positive about both people, they can't say "yes but he's nice! You're wrong!"

NK - good for you.

Don’t worry about how he appears great on the outside. Those people don’t have to live with him.

My friend’s ex husband was delightful to all friends and neighbours. But indoors he was an absolute arsehole. My friend was always sure people wouldn’t believe her. We did.

Ellis that's a really good explanation. You're right it's nobody else's business

Op get the stuff he's left in the bathroom and chuck it in the bin. Inconvenience him.

Does he ever make you late? Especially when YOU want to go somewhere?
Is he on time for all his events?
How is he at work?
Is this selective in which case he's an abusive twat or is this his life in general in which case he's a lazy man child.

Thanks Cauliflower it's very difficult living with him

Fish he makes me late for every occasion. I'm not a super early person but would always be there on time, not late. The problem is he can drive so has control. I am learning to drive though so will have more control.

He is very productive at work. Over productive if anything

Keep going with those driving lessons.
Plan for your independence. You can do it!

Cauliflower am really enjoying the drive v and aim to pass my test by summer. It will give me great independence

Can you leave him? Sounds like a miserable way to live and no example for your children.

Santas I am making plans to go but it will take a while. I'd have a much quieter chaos free life if he was just gone

You read about so many men like this on here OP.

Amazingly they all seem perfectly capable of being pro-active/organised whilst at work or in the capacity of any interest/hobby that's meaningful to them yet are "incapable" of doing so within the domestic sphere and typically resentful/angry when being pulled up on this.

The only possible explanation is that this behaviour is absolutely deliberate and it demonstrates an utter lack of respect, courtesy, and care for the person being expected to pick up the slack from this purposeful self absenting of any domestic responsibility.

I think they get away with it because so many women don't want to say "I left because he kept forgetting his wallet/wouldn't dress himself/empty the dishwasher Etc" but the truth is your not leaving because of those things - you leave because of the reflection those actions (or rather deliberate inaction) shines on your relationship with regard to care, partnership, support, respect and fundamentally love - because you really don't treat someone you love this way.

You might want to read this OP - or even, dare I suggest get your husband to read it....

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

Hanna really interesting article. I won't share it with OH because he'll perceive it as a dig and nothing will change. I don't respect him anymore or love him enough to care if he changes.

The article hit the nail on the head though I don't feel safe and supported by him. He has to be told to do every last thing right down to buying a light bulb and changing it. He says I nag all the time but if I didn't constantly remind him nothing would be done ever.

He sounds draining.

If and when you leave will he be organised enough to give you any maintenance?

Rainbow he is such a drain. Yeah he will give maintenance alright. He has a great job and although he'll resent it he will give it.

OP my dad (an Irishman so Manchild x 2 000 000%) was like this. My mother bought his underwear for his entire adult life (!!) laid his clothes out, had dinner on the table at 7pm every night, worried about him and when she had a hip replaced, he was too selfish to remember his door key so she would have to stagger down the stairs to let him in.

And yes I would challenge mum on why she couldn't just go out sometimes and let him gasp get his own dinner from a well stocked fridge but she would sigh and say: 'Sure it's easier to do it meself.' So they were both locked into this toxic pattern. Dad didn't appreciate it either - he resented her 'mothering' as he put it, but he never exhibited any domestic independence.

I'm not saying this is you at all but it sounds as though your life will be a lot less stressful if you can remove yourself from this relationship.

My mother died suddenly a few years ago and shortly after my dad developed Alzheimer's. I know this isn't his fault but now he's in a care home and he's still being fed and looked after by women.

I've tried to break this pattern by making my son do chores from an early age and frankly many times it would have been easier to 'do it meself.' But now aged 18, he cooks, cleans and buys his own bloody underwear.

As HannaSolo says you do not treat someone you love this way.

no I can't see him ever improving. He just feeds off me emotionally. Is constantly asking me what he should do, down to what he should wear and if I don't play ball he has a tantrum

OP I am shocked only because I have often seen people on MN who have similar issues but never someone who has 99.9% exactly the same as me. Difference is I have put up with it for 30 years - what a mess. I think you must be considerably younger than me, looks like you have the chance to get away from him - please please please do it.

Staples I cant believe you have the same issues. I've been with him 17 years. I'm 40. I am planning to leave. Do you want to leave too?

Sagging my life would be far less stressful without him in it. I feel so guilty for the kids but we aren't good role models for a functioning relationship

I am in a strange land, which I think may be more prevalent on gransnet, but I am now scared to go because having been with this arsehole for so long, its all I know (no other family other than a couple of cousins). Also DDs feel sorry for him and they don't want him to be "all alone". I am worried as soon as I was gone he'd start on them.

If we sell our house we'd end up with not enough to buy but then rent would eat all the capital. Also I am quite worried what he would do, I think he'd be threatening suicide etc. I thought in NY I would write it all down as when asked upfront like this I often get confused as to why I want to stay/go. But at 40, blimey, you have a huge life ahead of you.

Staples that truly is an awful situation to be in. Are your DDs living with you or just putting pressure on you to stay?

Yeah life begins at 40 or so they say. My counsellor is excellent and said things would just keep happening and that the wheel was in motion anyway. I feel like it is gathering momentum for me and 2018 is the year I will be finally able to break free and have the courage to go.

I really really hope you can find the courage to do it. Very scary to completely turn your life upside down. But perhaps he scary picture is staying and this is your life until the end of time

Rainbow I am hoping 2018 will be the year I can gain the courage to do it. You are right: the thoughts of staying like this for the rest of my life is a far scarier thought than plucking up the courage to go now.

They want this horrible situation to "stop" (they are teens) but they don't want that to involve losing their newly decorated rooms that they have waited years for us to be able to afford, the nice location, the big house and someone (ME) looking after their dad. they genuinely fear having no money because we have been through all that having to count pennies out at the till in Aldi and asking the cashier to put things back. So no, they are not directly putting pressure on me, they just want me to be the adult.

Anyway, this is your thread, just let my experience be a cautionary tale. I think your situation is offering you a chance to leave and I think long term (if not sooner) you will all benefit.