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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to go to work ?

71 replies

Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 08:41

Hi all hope you have all had a great Christmas !
Am posting for reality check - 5 of us in family 4 have been ill with traditionalnasty Christmas cold - fever,shots coughing etc. DH is a contractor and currently off work . I had to take day off work as felt terrible but have gone in today. Kids are ok . I did not check DH before I left as he was asleep. I am not feeling brilliant but feel I have to work as it is a team job and if I don't, the others have to work twice as hard and felt bad enough about yesterday.
He has just rung me to say I am out of order for going in without checking he was ok . I know he slept ok but n9w he says he feels awful. Am I BU and a cow for going in - leaving him with children til 330 this afternoon ? Please be honest . I feel like a bit of a cow !

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 28/12/2017 08:48

He’s an adult, he should act like it. Mothers who are unwell look after kids all the time. If it’s just a cold then he should get a grip.

On the other hand I think you are being unreasonable if you’re still ill and have gone into work because you’re currently likely to be infecting others!

PNGirl · 28/12/2017 08:51

Honestly I'd have woken him up to check how he was. If he'd worsened or developed full flu then he'd be incapable of getting up for the kids.

Then, unless he was really bad, I'd have gone to work.

Olicity17 · 28/12/2017 08:57

If you were ill, would he take the day off work?

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 28/12/2017 09:01

Grrrr! Of course you weren't U going to work! So he's not feeling well and can't deal with the kids?!! FFS just get on with it! What do single parents do when they're not well? They have to get on with things. You have a quiet day in front of the tv. I don't understand this at all - I'm not well you'll have to take the day off to look after the kids

Bingbongboo29 · 28/12/2017 09:05

Why would you stay home because he is ill? Would he stay home if you were ill and look after the kids?

NataliaOsipova · 28/12/2017 09:08

How old are your kids? If they're very small and he's genuinely feeling awful, then he can't look after them properly and yes, I think you should have checked. If they're older than, say, 7 and can reasonably be plonked in front of a DVD while he lies on the sofa or even goes back to bed, then asking him to struggle through until 3.30 isn't that much of an ask....

Jinglejoo · 28/12/2017 09:11

YANBU. I have always managed to look after the DCs when ill, and would never expect DH to take the day off. Would never have the annual leave to do so for a start.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 09:28

Angelfish-its the perennial question - if I don't come in there is no-one to cover but I am risking spreading germs I kniw. Being extra careful.
Thanks all - kids are 5 and7 and 15. Obvs the 15 year old can help.a bit. I didn't check DH before i.left but if he is really bad I could try and leave earlier. But am working a full 11 hour day tomorrow too. I feel unreasonable because he is always saying I should put family first. But my job is also important obvs. Thanks for your thoights. I am v mich a get on with it kind of person i.was just checking I was not being a bitch! I would love to be at home of course we could all have a duvet day but that is not how it works !! Thanks again x

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 28/12/2017 09:31

With kids those ages, he is making himself sound like a baby. He’s well enough to phone you and moan so he’s clearly not incapacitated. He can switch on the tele, make a sandwich and move the duvet to the sofa ffs 😂😂

MyNewBearTotoro · 28/12/2017 09:36

Yanbu - your DP should be able to look after the dc with a cold. At 5 & 7 he will be able to just placate them with a very lazy TV/ iPad day (especially if they’re unwell too) or set them up to play with some of their new Christmas toys. All he really has to do is make breakfast/ lunch and maybe a little bit of refereeing from the sofa but it’s not a very demanding age so unless his illness is serious he should be able to get on with it.

PNGirl · 28/12/2017 09:37

Ah, if one is 15 then I would say you did the right thing! I was imagining toddler age roaming about unsupervised while he's laid in a heap.

teaiseverything · 28/12/2017 09:38

As someone whose DH is also a contractor, I know fine well that they can't just take time off when family members have a minor illness. So tell him he couldn't do it for you so to pipe down and drink some honey and lemon Wink

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 09:51

Yes good thank you angel and my new bear ! Xx and tea - he has plenty of honey and lemon Wink I feel a bit less guilty now thank you !

OP posts:
debbs77 · 28/12/2017 11:57

I don't think you are u reasonable to leave then to it but you should've told him you were leaving

Joysmum · 28/12/2017 12:04

I agree with the couple of posters who say you should have told him first.

SeaToSki · 28/12/2017 12:17

A 15 year old can easily babysit for a day for younger siblings and look after their father too. Did the DC know you were going? Even if your DH did feel worse and was in terrible straights, he could call you when he woke up and you could go home. YANBU

Viviennemary · 28/12/2017 12:22

If you think you are coming down with this I don't think you should have gone to work if you think you might pass it on. Your DH will just have to cope on his own. A single parent does all the time. But why didn't you just say I'm going to work. And then he'd have known.

mindutopia · 28/12/2017 13:23

Unless he is so ill he is going into hospital, no, you are right to be at work. My dh has never taken off work to stay home with me when I’m sick. I’ve managed a kid with winter vomiting bug while being sick myself just fine. He may not work extra late or may do the bare minimum if I’m really ill (he’s self employed so has a lot of flexibility), but we’re both adults and no child ever imploded from a day of tv while a parent lies on the sofa feeling miserable.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 14:28

Yes I perhaps should have woken him before I left - it's just not worth the hassle as (sorry if appears to be drip feeding ) he always kicks off about me working on a low paid long commute job when financially we do not need it . Long story . So I tend to creep out to avoid the inevitable argument or huffy silence. ..not saying that for sympathy that's just what I do. And i have to go to work as it's a cold not a migraine or the flu and there are staffing issues as in they will be massively massively more under pressure if o don't come in .

OP posts:
Josieannathe2nd · 28/12/2017 14:45

If it was babies/toddlers you were leaving them I would have said that’s a bit harsh on him but not not with older kids. Won’t they all just have a TV/chilling day?

In our house the SAHP of the day would have to be seriously vomiting/unable to stand before the other one misses a day of work- sounds harsh but we miss so much because of child illness/school closures etc we can’t also pander to adults.

Trills · 28/12/2017 14:48

It sounds like if you'd woken him up he'd have been pissed off about being woken when he was sleeping.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:00

I just get a bit pee d off as ,like you said Josie, i have to take time off for kids illness too. On the one hand I simply cannot be unreliable for work because of the staffing issues as it is (my colleagues are amazing but there is only so much I can trade on them covering-they all have kids too ) and on the other , it seems unfair to expect him to look after them from 8 until 630 tomorrow iyswim.

OP posts:
Jellyheadbang · 28/12/2017 17:03

IM a single working mum with disabilities and if I get the flu I have to look after small kids, nobody else steps in... sure he’d have been fine...

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:05

Debs and joys mum - Yes I realise that now . I should have woken him up before I left. Will discuss it with him tonight to avoid same problem .

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:07

Oh jelly that must be very very difficult! I can't imagine Flowers good point also x

OP posts: