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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aibu to go to work ?

71 replies

Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 08:41

Hi all hope you have all had a great Christmas !
Am posting for reality check - 5 of us in family 4 have been ill with traditionalnasty Christmas cold - fever,shots coughing etc. DH is a contractor and currently off work . I had to take day off work as felt terrible but have gone in today. Kids are ok . I did not check DH before I left as he was asleep. I am not feeling brilliant but feel I have to work as it is a team job and if I don't, the others have to work twice as hard and felt bad enough about yesterday.
He has just rung me to say I am out of order for going in without checking he was ok . I know he slept ok but n9w he says he feels awful. Am I BU and a cow for going in - leaving him with children til 330 this afternoon ? Please be honest . I feel like a bit of a cow !

OP posts:
chaplin1409 · 28/12/2017 17:07

Surely you can't have a day off work because your husband is ill. Would he take a day off if you were ill?

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:11

No he wouldnt. When he was employed as opposed to contracting he would take 'carers leave ' if he wanted a day off saying I was ill and he needed to look sfter children. Which is tosh because I rarely take any time off for me being ill . Everyone has different standards don't they ?

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 28/12/2017 17:14

DH sounds like a selfish grump.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:18

Yup. I am no angel and I suspect I should be more sympathetic ...! But I appreciate everyone's thoughts. He has the hump with me - I got in from work and took the kids straight out to burn some beans as they have been inside for two days and he told mw that he was so disppounted that i did not care enough to take the day off today. So the conversation about tomorrow should be interesting !!

OP posts:
user9217 · 28/12/2017 17:35

Parents don't get a day off when their child(ren) are sick. Unfortunately for him this applies to him too. Tell him to suck it up

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:42

Well.if he was away for work and the children were too ill to go to school, then unfortunately u would have to be off - and work would be fine as they are good like that. However they prob w9uld not be fine if they thought I was off to look after DH and kids!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:43

Sorry user I meant I would have to take day off not u !Wink

OP posts:
user9217 · 28/12/2017 17:45

Haha can imagine the conversation
You: I need a day off today
Boss: oh why's that?
You: DH isn't well need to look after him today
Boss: HmmHmm
😂

Iloveacurry · 28/12/2017 17:45

But if you had been really ill and if he had to go to work, he would of gone wouldn’t he?

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:49

Well before he had the kind of job with s massive family friendly American firm that he completely took advantage of their generous leave policy because he could. He was not theonly one. But now he is self employed he wouldn't .or can't . But it's all new territory as I do wonder if his new contract employers would tolerate his relaxed attitude to attendance ...! We will see !

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 17:50

User - quite! Can actually picture my bosses face !!! I would not ever ask that of her for that reason !

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 28/12/2017 21:59

Your husband needs reminding that he is a parent with responsibilities.....being ill doesn't give him a 'get out' card.
Same way you have to step up regardless of how you're feeling when he's away.

he always kicks off about me working on a low paid long commute job when financially we do not need it . Long story.....
So he basically wants you at home, dependent on him financially so he can control you and call the shots about what happens in your home, your marriage and your life Hmm

he is always saying I should put family first
Emotional blackmail!
You are putting your family first - by balancing work and parental responsibilities......he is the one that needs to work on putting his family above his selfishness.

it seems unfair to expect him to look after them from 8 until 630 tomorrow
No, it isn't unfair! For fuck's sake he's their father! He's got a minor illness he's hardly at fucking deaths door or disabled!
When he's away and you're ill - who looks after the kids and does what still needs doing? You!
So if you can do it then so can he!

he told mw that he was so disppointed that i did not care enough to take the day off today
I'd turn that back round on him - how disappointing that he doesn't care enough to actively support his wife or willingly look after his own kids, or get a job that allows him paid time off to look after his own family when needed.

So I tend to creep out to avoid the inevitable argument or huffy silence
This is outrageous!
I think you've got some serious problems in your marriage that you can't keep ignoring.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 28/12/2017 23:03

Thank you so much for that heebiejeebie. I cant argue with the issues you point out. Have come to bed after arguing about me going to work tomorrow- he just can't see why I should go in. Why I am persevering with going to work although am feeling better by degrees u know how colds are - I can work . He is cross bexause he will be goung away from us soon to work and feels this is quality time together as a family that should not be interrupted by work . He is just so self centred but cannot see how it is wrong as his 'motivation is always love . ' i have come on mumsnet before to ask advice and time and time again the lovely people on here give me that reality check. I am getting fed up - am hoping him working away will take the intensity off of our marriage

OP posts:
PinaKoala · 28/12/2017 23:09

It sounds like he has man flu along with a huge amount of self pity. Agree with what other posters said, if you were ill he would not have taken the day off and you would have had to get on with it, looking after the children and yourself. As for the comments about your job not being important, I'm sure whatever it is that you do is valuable and having your independence and life outside the home is essential. You are entitled to be your own personal as well as a wife and mum.

PinaKoala · 28/12/2017 23:10

*person

Accidentallyexisting · 29/12/2017 00:14

My dh once left me at home with pneumonia and four children 6 months old twins a 3 year old and a 5 year old............ I spent the day pretty much hating him however I don’t think you were unreasonable today.

Cricrichan · 29/12/2017 00:58

What a cock. I've had to ask dh to stay home to look after the kids twice I think because I've been so ill that I physically couldn't look after them. And a couple of times when he's been abroad, I've needed a friend to look after them. But that's when I had 4 kids under 6. Now that they're older, I wouldn't need him! And I wouldn't have needed him with your age children. Plus your 15 year old could help him as well as look after the younger two.

But this isn't about him being ill. This is about making it difficult for you to work and he's being unfair and controlling. You're just as entitled to work as he is.

Mxyzptlk · 29/12/2017 01:04

Maybe DH could put family first and get a job closer to home, even if lower paid, so that you can all have more quality time??

user1497997754 · 29/12/2017 06:15

I understand your situation....we have 2 dogs that can't be left all day for me to work full time and my husband is self employed and works in an industry where every working day is different and in different parts of the country and you can't plan where he is going to be on a daily basis. So I have had to find work part time so I can walk dogs etc ...be home if their ill. It has caused huge problems between us because of his inability to be flexible. We don't live close to family and he won't use dog sitters or anything as doesn't want people coming into the house. I have just given up a job I was doing that meant I had to get up at 4.30 to be in work for 6 and finish at 12 as when up trying to get ready shower etc he would wake up and dogs would be up which affected sleep. Therefore in a situation where he will have to cover all bills at the mo....I was okay for last two years as had some money left to me and paid a years mortgage and although no actual bills paid for food and going out etc. Am actively looking for another job with better hours but it's not easy to find something as he doesn't want me working nights or weekends. Having a discussion with him tomorrow about money situation as we don't have joint bank accounts and I hate asking him for money to run my car etc. I just sometimes feel that everything has to revolve around him and I feel under valued...he never makes me feel like that it's just I have always worked full time and the dogs are a joint responsibility ....thing is he can earn in one day as much as I can earn part time on minimum wage so for him it just makes financial sense for me to be the flexible one.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/12/2017 08:14

Wow accidentally that is spectacularly shit . Must have been hellish I am so sorry ! X apologies I fell asleep last night.thank you for your posts. Cricrichan I understand - we could not reach an agreement last night. So the latest is that when he woke up this morning he has crackle chest pain. He is asthmatic and 70 % of the time when he gets a cold it affects his chest , it's the same patter n - he needs nebilosed oxygen and a big slug of steroid tablets to stave off an attack. It's so routine I could tell u how it will go . So when I get up at 7 - before I know this - I bring a Lemsip, a berocca and a fresh inhaler for him . I dress kids and wake them and am just about to message my dad to ask if he can sit with lones so dh can pop to walk in for treatment. He goes mental and does not want my dad to come over. He says he will cope until I get home at 7 . I work 30 miles away so I can't just pop back
I have done everything I can but aibu to still go to work ? There are only 2 and half people at work today and no cover . Please help - I am on way to work now and quite worried and anxious .

OP posts:
Buck3t · 29/12/2017 08:23

Continúe on to work.

Hoy want as far as to get help which he stubbornly refused.

So much going on here, I feel work is sensible place for you right now.

I always wonder about marriages where men get to dictate like this and use emotional blackmail to get their way.

Buck3t · 29/12/2017 08:24

Hoy want
You went

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 29/12/2017 08:25

Your DH is an idiot sorry.
Seeing his history of asthma attack, he should KNOW that he needs treatment. But clearly he wants to make a point. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he is then blaming YOU if he gets really bad.

Having said that, I would go but only after making it VERY CLEAR that this is HIS decision to wait to see a doctor. That he needs to be aware that you won’t be available straight away to come over and he will need to make his own arrangement with your dad if he needs to go to the walk in.
I would also remind him of how things normally go an how bad he is when he gets a cold.... After all, an asthma attack ca still be deadly. Does he really want to take that risk to make a point?

But please remember, this is HIS CHOICE and HIS responsibility to seek help from a doctor. NOT yours.....

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 29/12/2017 08:30

And YY about emotional blackmail.
He already has managed to make you feel guilty that you are not looking after him enough.
But now think about it. He is an adult. It’s up to him to make his choices re his own health. Not yours.
It’s up to him to look after himself. Not yours.
And he is a parent. It’s up to him to decide if he is well enough to look after his own dcs. Not our responsibility when your u are actually at work and he is at home with the dcs.

Think about it. If things were reversed and he was at work, would you expect him to take time off to look afetr you? Would you use emotional blackmail so ‘make him stay at home to look afetr you’? Would you make out he is a terrible man to leave you with the dcs?
Or would you just get in with it the best you can whilst seeking help of you need it (for example to go and see the GP)??

Please treat him like the responsible adult that he is.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 29/12/2017 08:30

Ok thank you Hermione and bucket . I feel I am going mad and yes there is a lot going on in our marriage - i did not realise it was that obvious ! I feel like I am clinging on for another 10 days until he goes away to work for the first time and we all get a breather! But yes Hermione o did make it clear that my dad was happy to come over or the eldest can watch little ones for an hour if he needs to go. He also could have gone this morning I offered to stay hone for an extra bit but said he would have to get up and go now. He said I was cruel and he would be struggling all day. But I have tried to put things in place. Another commute to work feeling on edge. I feel like mumsnet is my little rope to sanity - genuinely thank you both so much for responding quickly xxx

OP posts: