How do we go about going NC with BIL and SIL?

[sarararararah]

We have always had a difficult relationship with DH’s brother’s wife. I’m pretty confident she is a narcissist or possibly has attachment issues with her own DM. I’m not really sure. Either way she is difficult and extremely hard to predict.

Last Christmas BIL texted to ask if we wanted to meet up with PILs for a Christmas meal. DH didn’t get back to them for about a week as things were really hectic at work for both of us. Admittedly this was a bit shit of him but hardly crime of the century. When we replied we were told the date we needed to agree to, except we couldn’t as we were going to see a friend’s concert, but we could make half an hour after they asked for. We were told no, their Dd would need to be in bed by then(she was then 7) We were surprised as they’ve never been sticklers for routine but told them to go ahead without us if that was the case. We then said to PIL on the phone about it and they suggested we join them for a drink when the concert was over. This meant we got there about 5:30. When we walked in, it was immediately obvious this was a huge problem. SIL said to BIL, “That’s it. Never again.” And then instructed him to get a large glass of wine as “She needed it to get through this.” I busied myself getting chairs for us and asking the manager if we could possibly order something for the children to eat. This was also clearly a problem to BIL and SIL. So, I said to her, very quietly and calmly, that we had obviously upset her, that we were sorry about that and what was the problem so we could sort it out? Reading that, it sounds as though I was aggressive, but I really wasn’t. Anyway, she went ballistic, said we had ignored BILs texts, obviously didn’t want to come and had then “rocked up” and ruined everything. I apologised again, DH suggested we would leave if she liked. She told us no so then we carried on. Obvs it was v uncomfortable but we both tried (Dh and I) to make conversation whilst she texted someone furiously and then eventually left whilst BIL and DN stayed. I should add, so as not to dripfeed, that she had had a miscarriage 8 weeks before that.

Anyway, they stopped talking to us after that. We have tried every month or so to repair things and make contact - mostly unsuccessfully. They did allow DN to come to DS’s birthday party last month and they have sent birthday presents for the children. They have also, in the meantime had a new DS who is 14 days old. They did text to say he had been born but have ignored most of DH’s texts back since despite saying in the summer that we would be welcome to see him when he was born.

They do have form for this type of thing as they ignored our DD (who is nearly 10) for the first 16 months of her life and only made contact again when I wrote to them and then they had DN which triggered an apology from them. I suppose I was hoping for the same this time.

My question is, we clearly can’t make this right. We have tried everything we can think of. Do we just leave it and do nothing, or do we write to them explaining why we’re doing what we’re doing? We both are extremely upset over all of this. We both hate conflict and find it goes over and over in our mind. We need to forget about it. It’s not easy as our DC’s love their cousin and are very upset not to have met their new baby cousin. If you’ve made it through this mammoth essay(sorry, I did try to cut it) what would you advise?

I think your DH needs to handle this as it's his family at the end of the day.

If I was him, I'd probably speak to his DB and say "Look, we want to spend time with you, but your wife seems to find our presence very stressful and unpleasant. How about you bring your DC over to ours on your own?"

Unfortunately, BIL won’t answer the phone if DH rings. We have tried many times, although admittedly not for a while. I think it’s unlikely he’d be allowed to see us on his own, but I do like your way of suggesting she’s not around!

If your BIL is ignoring your DH... just leave it. They need to sort it out or carry on as they are.

They clearly aren't the closest of brothers...because they wouldn't let a woman come between them otherwise.

Wild horses wouldn't keep my sisters from seeing a new niece or nephew... they would be at my house even if they didn't like my DH.

Well, they used to be very close. I’ve known DBIL and DH since high school so I know this to be true. It’s just a lot has happened and DBIL has to do as he’s told.

I agree with Sandy, you don’t need to make a plan here because they’re already not talking to you. Just leave the status quo as it is. Anything else (writing to them to tell them you’re not talking to them) feels provocative, like you’re trying to upset them.

Yes, I see what you mean. I guess I just hate not being able to fix things. I didn’t mean we’d write to say we’re not talking to them. I meant that we’d say that we can’t keep trying to sort things out and that we would stop trying and to get in contact if they ever change their mind. I guess we’d like to have our say so that we can have closure but yes, that might be stupid. As I said, she’s very hard to predict so whatever we do will probably be wrong anyway.

Well the thing is, if they ever change their minds then they’ll get in contact anyway won’t they? You saying that won’t change it (in fact it might make it less likely if anything because they might get their backs up). It’ll just be your trying to get the last word.

It sounds like they have gone NC with you.

😂 Yes, I suppose they have! I don’t think we deserve it - but I guess I can’t make them see we’re nice.

Leave them be. Some folk are too draining to try and understand.

I just feel very upset that they care so little about my children, in particular. I was actually friends with BIL before I met DH so I feel doubly let down I suppose.

All you need to do is stop contacting them. They might surprise you and relax a bit and actually want to spend time with you when they feel under less pressure from you.

Maybe! I think it’s unlikely but doing nothing is the only thing we haven’t tried so we’ll see. We have given the present we have for the baby (since they ignored DH’s text asking to give it to them) to PIL and we will just put it behind us and move on. It’s actually been very helpful to write it all down. I think I might write the letter I want to send but never send it. I included all of the relevant information in my op but there is actually a hell of a lot of other stuff that has gone on going back over 10 years so I think I’ll write it all, get it out of my system and get on with our lives. Thank you all for your help. Persuading DH to do the same might be tricky as he’s very upset he hasn’t been allowed to see his DN and new nephew.

I don't think it's worth going NC over, but I do think you handled the whole Christmas meal badly.

There's no point in a letter. The letter will just seem like you're stiring things.

You can't fix this one. If your BIL is unable to stand up to his wife... none of you can do anything.

People don't recognise that they are being abused and isolated unfortunately.

Do your PILS know their relationship is strained?

Oh dear. Well, I didn’t say we were perfect. I think we worry so much about causing her to kick off that we end up doing the wrong thing. What do you think we handled badly?
I think they over-reacted massively and can’t imagine anyone else I know behaving like that but I guess it’s hard to write out exactly what happened in a post. For what it’s worth, PIL think they’re being absolutely ridiculous and i know they would tell us if they thought otherwise.

You couldn't make the meal. I think you should have left it at that instead of turning up late, rearranging the table and trying to get a meal for your DC. Quite a disturbance.

Why don’t PIL intercede? It’s ridiculous of them, obviously there is more to it in their minds than the dinner. Not replying for a week was bloody rude though, it’s not hard to say ‘let me consult dw and diary and get back to you asap’ is it.

Yes, it was rude of DH. He knows that and has apologised for it.
The meal was at a table2table place so not really a disturbance. We just made a separate order. We thought they’d be more pissed of at us for not coming. In my family, everyone would have just been pleased we could make it. And even if they were pissed off, they’d have just made a joke of it and moved on, not caused a year long disagreement over it.
I think if we can get over them ignoring our DD for 16 months they could get over this. But I do accept we made mistakes, however we apologised for it. More than once too!

I don’t think there was more to it than the dinner. They’ve said it was that. SIL just does this to people if they do something she doesn’t like. She does it to her own family and friends too.

Oh, and PIL do try and intervene but they’re worried she’ll go NC with them too and they won’t be able to see their grandchildren. BIL just tells them what they want to hear - that he will sort it out, but then doesn’t.

I wouldn't engage with them because it will just turn into a drama. Let them do their own thing, when he misses his brother, he'll contact him.

I don't think the problem is all your sil though, it's your bil that's ignoring his calls!

Keep your pil out of it! That will just rile her up more and push them further away. Leave them be for a while.

Not replying and then turning up was annoying and rude but not worth falling out over. But she said here we go again oor something so obviously she feels she has seen all that before. I wonder is she jealous you knew her dh before her and does she feel he panders to you because of that old friendship.
But its too much drama let her off.

You need to admit to yourself that you can't stand her and you have lost a lot of respect for your BIL and given the circumstances it isn't going to be happy ever after.

You come across as passive aggressive and sanctimonious. I genuinely dont think that you mean to at all. Acknowledge the negative feelings including the anger that you feel and stop focussing on being seen to be so reasonable.

Try kicking a door or smashing a plate or anything to unleash the fury you feel at her. Deep down you really want to rip her head off and call her every name under the sun. You might feel relief.

You will never change her but you can change how you react to her. Stop giving a hoot and lighten up and be yourself.

You and the rest of the family sound like perfectly nice people. Give her a wide berth and if you see her just say hi, how are you. Their behaviour might change when they stop seeing you and your DH being so tense.

I doubt they will ever invite you again. Maybe the children can meet up with their grandparents.