We have always had a difficult relationship with DH’s brother’s wife. I’m pretty confident she is a narcissist or possibly has attachment issues with her own DM. I’m not really sure. Either way she is difficult and extremely hard to predict.
Last Christmas BIL texted to ask if we wanted to meet up with PILs for a Christmas meal. DH didn’t get back to them for about a week as things were really hectic at work for both of us. Admittedly this was a bit shit of him but hardly crime of the century. When we replied we were told the date we needed to agree to, except we couldn’t as we were going to see a friend’s concert, but we could make half an hour after they asked for. We were told no, their Dd would need to be in bed by then(she was then 7) We were surprised as they’ve never been sticklers for routine but told them to go ahead without us if that was the case. We then said to PIL on the phone about it and they suggested we join them for a drink when the concert was over. This meant we got there about 5:30. When we walked in, it was immediately obvious this was a huge problem. SIL said to BIL, “That’s it. Never again.” And then instructed him to get a large glass of wine as “She needed it to get through this.” I busied myself getting chairs for us and asking the manager if we could possibly order something for the children to eat. This was also clearly a problem to BIL and SIL. So, I said to her, very quietly and calmly, that we had obviously upset her, that we were sorry about that and what was the problem so we could sort it out? Reading that, it sounds as though I was aggressive, but I really wasn’t. Anyway, she went ballistic, said we had ignored BILs texts, obviously didn’t want to come and had then “rocked up” and ruined everything. I apologised again, DH suggested we would leave if she liked. She told us no so then we carried on. Obvs it was v uncomfortable but we both tried (Dh and I) to make conversation whilst she texted someone furiously and then eventually left whilst BIL and DN stayed. I should add, so as not to dripfeed, that she had had a miscarriage 8 weeks before that.
Anyway, they stopped talking to us after that. We have tried every month or so to repair things and make contact - mostly unsuccessfully. They did allow DN to come to DS’s birthday party last month and they have sent birthday presents for the children. They have also, in the meantime had a new DS who is 14 days old. They did text to say he had been born but have ignored most of DH’s texts back since despite saying in the summer that we would be welcome to see him when he was born.
They do have form for this type of thing as they ignored our DD (who is nearly 10) for the first 16 months of her life and only made contact again when I wrote to them and then they had DN which triggered an apology from them. I suppose I was hoping for the same this time.
My question is, we clearly can’t make this right. We have tried everything we can think of. Do we just leave it and do nothing, or do we write to them explaining why we’re doing what we’re doing? We both are extremely upset over all of this. We both hate conflict and find it goes over and over in our mind. We need to forget about it. It’s not easy as our DC’s love their cousin and are very upset not to have met their new baby cousin. If you’ve made it through this mammoth essay(sorry, I did try to cut it) what would you advise?