How do we go about going NC with BIL and SIL?

[sarararararah]

We have always had a difficult relationship with DH’s brother’s wife. I’m pretty confident she is a narcissist or possibly has attachment issues with her own DM. I’m not really sure. Either way she is difficult and extremely hard to predict.

Last Christmas BIL texted to ask if we wanted to meet up with PILs for a Christmas meal. DH didn’t get back to them for about a week as things were really hectic at work for both of us. Admittedly this was a bit shit of him but hardly crime of the century. When we replied we were told the date we needed to agree to, except we couldn’t as we were going to see a friend’s concert, but we could make half an hour after they asked for. We were told no, their Dd would need to be in bed by then(she was then 7) We were surprised as they’ve never been sticklers for routine but told them to go ahead without us if that was the case. We then said to PIL on the phone about it and they suggested we join them for a drink when the concert was over. This meant we got there about 5:30. When we walked in, it was immediately obvious this was a huge problem. SIL said to BIL, “That’s it. Never again.” And then instructed him to get a large glass of wine as “She needed it to get through this.” I busied myself getting chairs for us and asking the manager if we could possibly order something for the children to eat. This was also clearly a problem to BIL and SIL. So, I said to her, very quietly and calmly, that we had obviously upset her, that we were sorry about that and what was the problem so we could sort it out? Reading that, it sounds as though I was aggressive, but I really wasn’t. Anyway, she went ballistic, said we had ignored BILs texts, obviously didn’t want to come and had then “rocked up” and ruined everything. I apologised again, DH suggested we would leave if she liked. She told us no so then we carried on. Obvs it was v uncomfortable but we both tried (Dh and I) to make conversation whilst she texted someone furiously and then eventually left whilst BIL and DN stayed. I should add, so as not to dripfeed, that she had had a miscarriage 8 weeks before that.

Anyway, they stopped talking to us after that. We have tried every month or so to repair things and make contact - mostly unsuccessfully. They did allow DN to come to DS’s birthday party last month and they have sent birthday presents for the children. They have also, in the meantime had a new DS who is 14 days old. They did text to say he had been born but have ignored most of DH’s texts back since despite saying in the summer that we would be welcome to see him when he was born.

They do have form for this type of thing as they ignored our DD (who is nearly 10) for the first 16 months of her life and only made contact again when I wrote to them and then they had DN which triggered an apology from them. I suppose I was hoping for the same this time.

My question is, we clearly can’t make this right. We have tried everything we can think of. Do we just leave it and do nothing, or do we write to them explaining why we’re doing what we’re doing? We both are extremely upset over all of this. We both hate conflict and find it goes over and over in our mind. We need to forget about it. It’s not easy as our DC’s love their cousin and are very upset not to have met their new baby cousin. If you’ve made it through this mammoth essay(sorry, I did try to cut it) what would you advise?

Just back right off for now. Letting things settle can be helpful in situations like this. It's not guaranteed to. But sending them a letter etc is stoking the drama. Go quiet and leave them to it for now.

Your DH didn't reply for a week. When he did eventually reply and the date coincided with the concert, sil said just not to go. You then ignored her, after being rude enough to not even bother to reply for a week, and went late regardless. I'm not surprised your bil and sil were annoyed.

I'd just leave them alone. It sounds like that's what they want, anyways.

I think you and DH were a bit crappy to.not reply to the invite for a week and then rock up when it suited you, disregarding their feelings or anything you said.

This behaviour paired with your intense dislike of her, and you passive aggressiveness (the whole "we can leave if you like" speech) means you are the difficult ones here.

I’m afraid you are unreasonable I’m these circumstances.

Not replying for a week and then going late and ordering food was rude. Your response to them was rude too, when you suggested you should leave.

No one is that busy that it takes a week to respond to a text message. It’s no wonder they don’t like you.

I don't think you meant to be rude but they where trying to organise a family meal you didn't reply for a week. When you did you said you couldn't do the time could it be changed they said no. You then turned up late anyway after you spoke with other family members. It was rude then she reacted badly she obviously feels this has happened before from her comments. You then called her out on it in front of the children. And rest of the family. That would never go down well also your dh saying we will leave then. I'm not saying she isn t a difficult person it sounds like she is and it looks like they have gone low contact with you. I think for now you have to accept this it's easy to say it's all sil but bil is doing it aswell. It sounds like you are all talking about her with pil ECT and she is properly very annoyed about that if it's getting back to her for all you know bil is feeding it back to her. It is dad and it may change in the future but right now they are annoyed with You, they have just had a baby I think you have to give them some space for now and see what happens next.

hmmmm ok. I fully accept there are two sides to the story. I just want to know what to do now since we have tried to make amends for something that really wasn’t that big a deal. We definitely didn’t mean to be rude, if anything, we were guilty of trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one. We will leave it and see what happens. Thanks for your help.

Do they feel that they have always been the ones to do the organising/inviting? Have you actually invited them over this Xmas time on a specific day/time?

You're still minimising "it wasn't that big a deal" but actually it was important to them. They were trying to organise something nice and you were rude and then expected everyone to be overjoyed with you disrupting things. You were pitas.

Tbh, OP, yes it was rude you didn't reply initially but you've acknowledged that. I really don't think moving a meal 30 minutes later is a big deal considering it was a 5pm start (if it had been 7pm the bedtime thing would ring true) so why your SIL felt you not coming at all is a better option, I don't know. If your PILs then invited you when you mentioned it to them, I also don't see anything wrong in you attending. Frankly, I think it's overdramatic and quite pathetic of her.

Thank you, Jamboree. We were simply doing what we’d said we would do given that they weren’t prepared to be flexible. This is why I said it wasn’t a big deal because that’s what we’d agreed to. To then stop talking to us for a whole year is unfathomable.
Tbh I didn’t really ask whether we were in the wrong or they were. As I said, fault on both sides. I asked what to do next. Most people seem to think we should leave it. So that’s what we will do.

I don't think what you did meant she should not speak to you for a year. It does sound like she is difficult and to you what happened at meal wasn't a big deal but it was for them. You have obviously tried really hard to make amends but for whatever reason they wont and you can't force it. It does seem such a shame but I'm.not sure there is anything you do that will change it. I think give it some time and review again in six months

I think your first paragraph of your original post says it all. Yes she does sounds narcissistic and controlling. She controls her husband. You PIL are worried she will withdraw their contact with their DGC. They know she’s controlling too. You are all tiptoeing around the narcissist. My DH SIL is the same. I think she was jealous of you having your first DD. Hence not talking to you until they had a child. Now taking her miscarriage out on you as you have multiple DC. She sounds horrible. I would avoid her. Don’t apologise anymore. Don’t attempt to build bridges with her. She will always want to be in control and perpetuate drama. Agree with poster who said for PIL to allow DC to have contact with cousins.

I wouldn't have gone to the dinner and just turned up. I think if you are honest you must have known this would annoy her.

All sounds too much drama

And now they are ignoring you all

Perfect

You don't have to do anything at all

Thank you. Yes, she is controlling for sure. BIL has said to PIL on more than one occasion that he wishes he hadn’t married her. PIL don’t have very much contact with DN as it is. Occasionally they’re asked to look after her but her family very much takes precedence over his. Obv the baby can’t be away from SIL at the moment and I wouldn’t expect that he was so we’ll just have to wait. We do tiptoe around the narcissist, it’s true. She’s very intimidating and as I said, we don’t like conflict and find it very stressful.

BIL wishes he hadn’t married her but is still trying to make babies with her. I feel sorry for him. I think the way to feel better about this scenario is to mentally detach from it. I know that sounds easier than it is. You accept that she’s is what she is and will never change. But decide that in future your own family will not be manipulated by her. You will be civil and send cards and gifts. But you don’t go out of your way to placate her, apologise or do her bidding. You get on with your lives and choose to be with the friends and family that are positive influences. She can like it or lump it but it won’t be your problem. This is how I deal with my SIL.

Thank you. That makes sense. We have tried to accept that this is who she is, but she still manages to get under our skin somehow. I think this is the end of the line now though. We thought the baby would prompt some action but it hasn’t. So we will do our best to do as you suggest and just get on with our lives. We’re very lucky that PIL are lovely and so are my family (despite my family being more complex on paper!) I guess my only remaining worry is what happens as PIL get older. They both have health issues but are pretty independent for now. When the brothers have to communicate and agree about their care and, eventually funeral arrangements, I can see that all being very difficult. And I feel sad for them that they will go their grave with their sons not talking. I would absolutely hate that if this were my DC. Anyway, thank you, it helps to talk it through with someone who has experienced similar.

You and your DH sound a bit laid back and perhaps have been a little rude with late replies etc. But doesn't warrant her complete overreaction.

I suspect she has other issues with you (perhaps that you have known BIL for so long and have history if a friendship she is not a part of? Perhaps she struggled with her emotions after miscarriage?)

If you do want to mend things I think you could send a lovely gift for the new baby with a message 'dear BIL & SIL, we are delighted you have your beautiful new baby, we would very much love to meet him, we do not know what we have done to upset you, but do apologise for whatever it is. We would love to see you soon, if not then we wish you every happiness in the future'
(Then leave the ball in their court)

If you wish to go NC then leave things exactly as they are now and don't contact them again.

Is your SIL my SIL? My dbs wife has form for this kind of behaviour. It used to divide the whole family, my poor mum always felt like she was in the middle. 13 years on and we've come to the conclusion that she is just simply batshit crazy. We tolerate her for my db and dn but she is clearly from another planet

I don’t think she is your SIL crazycake as DH only has one brother! It’s just such completely alien behaviour to me. If people piss me off, I’ll have a rant to DH about it and move on. My sister was very thoughtless this Christmas but I’ve had my rant and that’s it. I would never not talk to her or stop her being a part of my children’s lives! They’ve been married for 10 years so there’s a long history of drama but I didn’t go into all of it in my already long OP. For example, she stopped talking to PIL once because MIL wanted to do a surprise reading at DN’s christening and hadn’t told her. Sorry your SIL is tricky too. It’s very difficult isn’t it.

Yes, Wednesday, we are pretty laid back and she is very highly strung but we really weren’t deliberately rude. I know it would seem like people always have time for a text but DH works in NHS contract management so this time of the year is horrific. Contracts with all major providers (hospitals, PTS, ambulance service etc etc) have to be signed by Christmas as well as putting plans in place to cope with winter pressures. I barely see him and he is literally run off his feet. And I’m a teacher so the end of the Christmas term is just ridiculous, particularly when I’m the music specialist. I get that they may not realise that though. And I get that it would seem rude.

We have sent a nice gift for the baby with a not too similar message so I think we’ll leave it now.

I believe you mean well, OP, but you and your DH have behaved quite insensitively by not responding to your SIL's text and then just showing up at the meal, and not realising that your behaviour left a lot to be desired. It also sounds like your MIL is difficult, planning a surprise reading at the christening without talking to your BIL and SIL about it. (Although neither thing would upset me all that much, I would just have a moan with my DH and then move on.)

The surprise reading would have pissed me off too, sorry. Who does that?!?

Really?? The OP took a week to reply to a text and you think she’s insensitive?? But the SIL did not contact OP for 18 months after the birth of her DD!! I think that’s a lot more insensitive don’t you!?!
Unfortunately there are many posters on this site who are only really interested in criticising OPs and putting them down to make themselves feel better. It’s abusive and I hate it.

A surprise reading at a christening does seem quite odd op. I’d be quite annoyed if my MIL decided to do this at my child’s christening and I’d be equally annoyed at anyone who thought I was the unreasonable one in that scenario!